Your experience in uncovering alters-time line

Johnny-Jack wrote:I think our timeline is not unusual, except for the stupid 20+ years between meeting the first alter and realizing this was DID.

Yup. It is a similar story here, and it really sucks. I still cannot talk about Teen Girl losing 30 years without crying. And I never noticed how much of me was missing. For example, my husband does not "look at" women but now that I know to ask about his subjective experience of the world he tells me sometimes he notices women. Sometimes he even feels sexual attraction. I know intellectually that this is normal but before Teen Girl and I integrated I never had that experience. Sexual arousal in response to a man coming on to me yes, but no sexual attraction to someone who was minding their own business.

*May Trigger*

I apologize in advance if this ends up being a long reply. A list form allows me to organize thoughts better, and I tend to explain things in great detail. This is Cassandra's "timeline".

--Ages 1-7: Kat's voice.
Cassandra has heard Kat's voice for as long as she can remember. When they were both young, though, Kat went by her original name of "Katherine". She was Cassandra's much-desired older sister, she was an "imaginary" friend, she was a protector, and she gave comfort and advice to Cassandra.

--Age 8: Cassie starts to split. Cassandra is unaware.
When Cassandra was 8, our parents went through a messy separation that came very close to ending in a messy divorce. This cause the unmet childish needs of Cassandra to begin to "split" into Cassie, but she did not yet become fully separate. If Cassandra was a piece of paper, Cassie had only started to "rip away" from her, leaving the "paper" only half-ripped. Kat's voice is still the only known one at this time.

--Age 10: Cassie and Ray appear. Cassandra is still unaware.
When Cassandra was 10, our mother died a very painful death that we were witness to. This caused Cassie to finish her initial split from Cassandra, and she "goes back" to being 8 years old. Ray is also split from Cassandra here, reverting to primal/animalistic instincts and reactions under stress and in frightening environments/situations. However, Cassandra is still only aware of Kat's voice.

--Ages 11-12: Kat encounters "Hannibal". Cassandra is unaware.
When Cassandra was 11-12 yrs old, (Kat being 14-15), Kat encounters an alter we call "Hannibal" for the first time that she can remember. "Hannibal" begins to abuse, torture, "train", and manipulate Kat. Cassie makes it hard for Cassandra to cope with the changes to her lifestyle, and Kat is having to "raise" both of them. Cassandra is only aware of Kat's voice and Cassie's voice/feelings. She is unaware of Cassie's presence, and is completely unaware of "Hannibal".

--Ages 12-13: Cassie is "locked away". Cassandra is barely aware.
Because of Kat's encounters with "Hannibal", her struggles to basically raise/take care of an 8 yr old and a 12/13 yr old, and the fact that there was not anyone or anything who could fill Cassie's needs at the time, Kat locks her away in a room somewhere. Cassie is not seen or heard from since being locked away. Cassandra is aware that many childish feelings/thoughts disappear and she's able to adapt to her changed lifestyle easier, but that's all she's aware of.

--Age 13: L.C., Kyra, and myself appear. Cassandra is partially aware. Self-harm begins
"Hannibal's" manipulation and abuse of Kat turn her from Katherine to Kataki. "Kataki" is a name that Kat picked out for herself. It means "Revenge" in Japanese, and Kat became abusive as Kataki. Advice became orders, assistance became control, and anything that wasn't done to perfection, Cassandra was punished for. Kat/Kataki was verbally and physically abusive, acting on what "Hannibal" had "taught" her and acting on the fact that if Cassandra fell short of expectations in any way, Kat/Kataki was punished for it by "Hannibal". I, myself, being Kat's younger sister, came forward to Cassandra to help her. Kat/Kataki and I were yin/yang; Cassandra's "shoulder devil" and "shoulder angel", as she would call us. I would fight Kat/Kataki's control; I would fight the abuse caused by her; and I would help "patch up" all wounds, physical and emotional, caused by her. Kat/Kataki was now only the protector, and I was Cassandra's source of advice and comfort. L.C. also comes forward during this year, to help Cassandra cope with the pain and stress our father was putting us through, and to express/hold Cassandra's feelings of depression and apathy. With L.C. also burst forward our Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Cassandra starts experiencing flashbacks and anxiety for the first time. Kyra appears this year as well, but Cassandra is unaware of her or her control. Cassandra is aware of my voice, Kat/Kataki's voice, and L.C.'s voice. She is not aware of Kyra's existence, or the fact that she sat in the "background" while Kyra and L.C. were out "running the show". In essence, for the entire year of 8th grade, Cassandra was "looking over" Kyra and L.C.'s shoulders.
This is also the first time Cassandra experiences self-harm. Kat/Kataki was responsible for the very first cut, out of anger, as a form of punishment to Cassandra for forgetting L.C.'s journal at a friend's house. L.C. realizes how emotions seem to "wash away" with the blood from the cut, and so starts using cutting as a coping method.

--Ages 13-14: Kyra disappears, L.C. steps down from control, Cassandra's back as the "main one out". Cassandra is unaware.
With the transition from middle school to high school, Kyra retreats and ends up submerging deep into our subconscious. She continues "living", but is in her own reality. Though she ages with Cassandra, and the same amount of time passes, Kyra's life is completely imaginary. She is still currently living this "life" today, and knows nothing of true reality. L.C. steps down from control and Cassandra resumes being the "host". However, to Cassandra, all that happened was seemingly a simple mood change and a new outlook on a new fresh start (high school). She is also still only aware of our voices; she has not had black-out time loss, she does not understand any switches that happen except for viewing them as "losing control", and she is unaware that we are more than just voices.

--Ages 14-15: Cassie returns. First time loss episode. Cassandra's awareness starts.
Upon getting her first real boyfriend, a source for things that Cassie needed/wanted, (such as hugs, comfort, being held, positive attention, etc.), was suddenly realized to exist. Kat/Kataki fights to keep Cassie locked up, but eventually Cassie bursts free. Cassandra perceives herself as "needy" and "clingy", when in reality, this was Cassie showing through. Kat/Kataki forcefully takes over control one day after becoming extremely angered by a close friend of Cassandra's. A physical fight ensues, and when it is over, Cassandra returns confused. The friend, Nathan, explains what happened. Cassandra begins to think of us as different parts/sides of herself as well as different voices. She begins to warn people she gets close to about Kat/Kataki.

--Age 16: Everything falls apart and becomes clear at the same time.
During her junior year of high school, everything falls apart for Cassandra. She tears the ACL of her knee, which puts her out of Kat's/her physical outlets such as soccer, marching band, and track. It also basically immobilizes us, as we needed crutches, and our dad didn't have a working car. Due to L.C.'s creeping depression, the lack of money, and the libraries not having the books needed, Cassandra is unable to finish important summer homework for school. Within the first week of school, she is already failing classes. This eventually sends her over the edge.
One morning, after a whole evening/night/morning of our father not returning home, and after discovering that we would be late for our ride, Cassandra told her ride to go on to school without her (we were on crutches at the time). She had been texting a close friend, Nathan, at the time, and sharing L.C.'s thoughts/feelings of self-harm with him (though she was unaware they belonged to L.C.). She stopped texting him when L.C. and Kat/Kataki took control. They cut the tops of her/their forearms repeatedly; Kat/Kataki meaning to punish Cassandra for being late, and L.C. meaning to cut herself for "being worthless". When Cassandra stopped texting Nathan, he reported her and her texts to the school counselor, who called the police.
The police came by after the cutting was already done and cleaned up, proceeding to take us to the hospital (some of the cuts looked like they might need stitches). There, family members were called, and the self-harm couldn't be hidden anymore. Nor could the bad environment that we were in, as our father proceeded to show up still drunk to the hospital. A hospital psychiatrist talked to us, reaching the conclusion that we were most likely suffering from depression, and ordered us to be removed from our dad's care. We were ordered to seek therapy as well, and were referred to LifeWorks NorthWest. There, we were evaluated and diagnosed with depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, rapid cycling bipolar disorder, mild visual hallucinations-cause unknown, and possible DID. Because of our psychology classes in high school and research of our own, the diagnosis came as no surprise to us, as we had done a great deal of research on our own time and had a good idea of what to expect. (Though Cassandra was still having a hard time being aware of us as more than "just voices". Sometimes she believed she had DID, other times she doubted it). Kat/Kataki was extremely upset with the "possible DID" diagnosis, and caused the 2nd incident of time loss. Despite her expressions of anger to the psychiatrist, and despite causing our Aunt to leave the room crying "It's like she's a different person", the diagnosis was left as "possible DID". A second evaluation to change that never happened.
Cassandra begins therapy, being mainly treated for her PTSD, bipolar disorder, and depression. She begins to learn more about us and DID in general, and thus begins to become more aware of us and our presence. She is now fully aware of Kat/Kataki, L.C., Cassie, and myself.

--Age 16: "Hannibal" is encountered by Cassandra. Cassandra is unaware.
This is the earliest encounter Cassandra can recall of "Hannibal". She was told to run away from our father's house during an overnight visit. Though nothing had happened to trigger and everything, currently, was "fine". Later, it was deemed to be the cause of multiple things that had built up. But that wasn't the only cause. Cassandra heard a voice telling her to run away; guiding her in how to quietly open the back door; helping her to sneak out of the house. At times, Cassandra experiences extreme depersonalization, and feels like she is watching herself sneak out of the house; something that she never dreamed she would do. This voice turned out to be "Hannibal", as he later confirmed, and we believe that at times he was the one in control to help her sneak out. This act of running away caused our father a lot of pain, and ended up causing much stress, pain, and drama overall. However, it did help everyone to wake up to Cassandra's situation. At the time she ran away, she had still not gotten her ACL surgery (though we'd stopped using crutches), her first counselor was not a good fit, and she felt like she was getting stuck in a rut very quickly. After she ran away, people seemed to "wake up" to her. Her grandma took custody away from our father and worked on getting us our knee surgery (finally received 6 months after the injury happened), we got a new counselor that was the best one we've ever had, and Cassandra felt like she was getting somewhere with progress.

--Age 16: Rebel appears. Cassandra is aware.
Due to being unable to concentrate in school, Cassandra's grades plummet. But she finds that she no longer cares. This is partially due to L.C.'s depression, but it's also due to Rebel, who has appeared as an outlet for Cassandra's frustrations and "I'm going to do what I want" emotions. Cassandra finds herself shoplifting and stealing due to Rebel. At this time, Cassandra was also dating a boy who was a potentially "bad boy" named Jeremy. A fellow band kid with a rocky home life and walking the line between "going somewhere" and "taking a left turn", not many of Cassandra's friends or family approved of him. This had an affect on Cassandra at times, but Rebel couldn't have cared less. She became Jeremy's girl, and would not have left him for the world. She's still angry at Cassandra for breaking up with him.

--Age 16: Cassandra is raped by her best friend, Nathan. First remembered glimpses of Luna, Cassandra is unaware.
Since Cassandra was put into her Aunt's care, she stayed out at her Aunt's house which was about 45 min. away from her high school. Because of this, Cassandra sometimes stayed the night at friend's houses. Though she couldn't march, she still participated in the marching band, learning "pit" instruments such as the cymbals, and practices often ran late. When she would spend the night at Nathan's, she would sometimes ask him to lay with her due to anxieties and nightmares from Cassie. (Though they both knew he liked her, but they remained close friends, despite a sometimes "messy" friendship. Cassandra did not desire a relationship with him, but one time when she was vulnerable from a recent break-up, they had kissed. They continued doing things such as making out and "feeling each other up" until Cassandra got another boyfriend. However, Kat/Kataki often "went back" to Nathan in order to make Cassandra cheat on the current boyfriend, in the hopes of causing a break-up; though she had stopped this once Cassandra started dating Jeremy).
One night, when she was supposed to stay at Nathan's house, Cassandra/Rebel went to see a late movie with current boyfriend Jeremy and a couple friends. She didn't get to Nathan's house until around 2am, now utterly exhausted. Despite being so tired, Cassie's anxiousness about being in a strange house kept her awake. So Cassandra asked Nathan to come and lay with her until she was asleep. When she was nearly asleep, Nathan proceeded to stand her up, undress her, and then have sex with her. Between how tired she was, the dissociation she was experiencing, and the disbelief that this was actually happening, she found herself unable to say "no" and unable to push him away. Her mouth had gone mute and her body had frozen; possibly influenced by L.C. and Luna's presence as well.
L.C. and Luna mainly hold these memories/emotions, though Cassandra is and always has been fully aware of what happened. (She does not always, however, admit that it was rape, or that it happened to her specifically). After this event, L.C. remembers catching a glimpse of Luna, but since all other memories of Luna had been erased at the time, she brushed it off until recently. All the rest of us in the system see is further growth in "masculine L.C." and "feminine L.C.", and Cassandra was unaware of anything.
Due to feeling unworthy of Jeremy because of this rape, and feeling that she "should" be with Nathan, Cassandra breaks up with Jeremy and starts dating her rapist. Rebel is furious, but calms down once she's able to maintain contact with Jeremy (as a friend).

--Age 18: Rebel disappears; Awareness increases
During the summer after graduation, Rebel begins to have an affair with Jeremy. Cassandra feels guilty about possibly leading him on, and feels guilty about cheating, though she has no remorse for Nathan, who she was cheating on. When Jeremy asks Cassandra to date him again, Cassandra hesitates, not wanting to hurt him again, and asks him to give her time to think about it, although Rebel tries to make her say "yes" immediately. During this time, Jeremy apparently moves on without telling Cassandra, and ends up getting "married" to a girl, that Cassandra knew from elementary school, while they were attending Burning Man together. Cassandra finds this out from facebook and mutual friends, and Rebel is hurt. Attempting to fix things or at least find out why he acted this way, Rebel contacts him. All he tells her is that he's done with her and doesn't want her in his life at all. Completely crushed, Rebel ends up cutting her/Cassandra's forearms (tops of them), and "leaves". She is now "stuck" in the summer of 2009. Each time she comes "out", she does not remember Jeremy's rejection or cutting herself. All she remembers/thinks is that it is the summer of 2009, Jeremy and her are still on good terms if not dating again, and that she still lives in Cassandra's first apartment. Cassandra is unaware of Rebel leaving, becoming aware of it later and assuming that she simply integrated. However, she continues therapy and becomes more aware of Kat/Kataki, L.C., Cassie, and myself, and communication between us improves.

--Age 19: Ray is discovered, "Hannibal" is discovered, Kat changes. Cassandra is aware.
By now, Cassandra has discovered some measure of control. She is fully aware of us four; we have better communication; we can switch at-will; sometimes we experience co-consciousness; and Cassandra is able to "hold onto" her control of the body a bit better.
During this time, we started to date our current boyfriend, Michael/Mike. He was the first one to meet Ray, and was even the one to "give" her a name. Cassandra experiences black-out time loss when she is out. With Michael's help, we began learning all that we could about her. Eventually, we learn enough about her and adjust to her presence enough that she joins Kat/Kataki, L.C., Cassie, and myself, in Cassandra's full awareness. This eliminates the time loss that Ray used to cause.
Kat/Kataki changes during this time period, also thanks to Michael. Despite her initial hatred of him, he was able to eventually show her that she had no need to be Kataki anymore. She had fought off "Hannibal's" control finally some time ago; she was no longer in an unsafe environment; there was no more reason for her to hold onto her abusive and violent tendencies. Thus, she changed her name to "Kat", and that is what she goes by now.
"Hannibal" is discovered and named after Cassandra watches the Hannibal Lecter movie series starring Anthony Hopkins. She notices that in the movie, Lecter seems familiar, from the way he speaks to how he acts. Later, "Hannibal" comes out and has a short texting conversation with Michael, due to Cassandra switching mid-text. He is then learned about as much as possible, and given the name "Hannibal" due the the resemblance of Anthony Hopkins' character, Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter.

--Age 20: Lynn, Kyra, Valera, and Marie are discovered. Rebel resurfaces.
After Cassandra loses her job and her place, we find ourselves moving in with Michael. The stress from the move causes a "new" little to surface; a 2 yr old named Lynn. She seems to not share any of our memory, and so does not realize that our mother is dead and our father now lives in a separate house. Because of this gap in connection, she still causes time loss, though Cassandra does not black-out. We do, however, unintentionally get "locked out" of control from Lynn, and it can take a bit before one of us is able to resume control.
Rebel begins to resurface, causing black-out time loss and confusion. The confusion ends once we realize it's her, but the black-out time loss continues whenever she comes "out".
Kyra is discovered after Cassandra reunites with a guy, named David, that she became friends with in 8th grade. During one of their hang-outs, Kyra surfaces, causing black-out time loss until Cassandra returns. David tells us about her, and her version of "reality" is discovered. Kyra believes her and David to be dating, among other untrue things, and has not been seen since this appearance.
Valera surfaces one night while at a small house part where Cassandra/the others were drinking. While she is aware of everything, she rarely shows herself. Though we do not know exactly when she "came to be", we do know that she is Adam's girl. Adam is a lifelong friend of Cassandra's, who was also her first crush, first love, first kiss, and first attempt at a boyfriend (after he asked her out, he didn't contact her for 2-3 years). After much confusion, affair occasions, vague answers, and "leading ons", he and Cassandra are now just friends. We suspect that Valera formed after Adam finally shared everything about his life with Cassandra (including illegal activities that explained why he was hard to stay in contact with). Valera is much like Kat, though less emotional. She's the part of Cassandra that "fits" Adam perfectly and would do anything to be with him, or to keep alive the chance of being with him.
Marie surfaces one night that Cassandra is having troubles with anxiety while driving, and this causes troubles with denial. Cassandra attempts self-talk to help calm her while driving, when suddenly a calm voice with a country accent tells her to relax and that she'll drive for her. Cassandra doesn't want to believe that there's another one and thinks that she's making it up to suit her needs. Marie proceeds to try and calm Cassandra by talking to her while driving safely for her. Cassandra battles denial for a bit, then accepts Marie's presence.

--Age 21: Dallas, Damone, Cassidy, and Luna are discovered.
These are our recent discoveries. Dallas and Damone are twin boys, both 19 years of age. We are not sure when they first "came to be", but we do know that they were there for when Cassandra felt pressured to be or felt more comfortable being "just one of the guys". They both dealt with our father, our father's friends, and Cassandra's guy friends. Damone also appears to be "sharing" L.C. and Luna's "load" of memories, emotions, and purpose; as well as seeming to be the sole alter coping with Cassandra first, and bad, experience with LSD.
Cassidy is a disturbed 8 yr old girl. She seems to have the tendencies of Antisocial Personality Disorder so far, and lives in complete denial over our mother's death. She believes our mother to still be alive, and has visual hallucinations of her when "out" in control. She also has her own reality to a point, in the sense that when she is not "out" in control, she continues to live her own "life" in which our mother is still alive and Cassidy still lives at home. In addition to this, Cassidy does not know/realize that she/we have DID, and she's said that she does not, and has never, heard voices (such as mine). My hypothesis is that Cassidy split from Cassie at some point in time. Neither of them has truly dealt with our mother's death, but Cassie only stays 8 yrs old because of it, whereas Cassidy has created a world in which our mother is still alive and combines it with reality she experiences.
Luna is a 16 yr old girl, and a twin of L.C., as you have probably heard. It is believed, but not certain, that she "came to be" immediately after L.C. did, just like twins being born in real life. While there are remembered masculine or feminine changes in L.C.'s wardrobe, it is still unclear whether or not there was an actual switch, or just a switch in clothing preference. Both of their names stem from the abbreviation "L.C.", which stands for Lost Child and Luna Crystal. To Cassandra, "L.C." originally stood for "Lost Child". But to Cassie, "L.C." originally stood for the name that she gave to L.C., "Luna Crystal". It is still unsure which meaning/name came first. And despite the fact that both of them stutter when they talk, they've proven to be quite the "chatter-boxes" so far.

Again, I apologize for the long post, but with the recent discoveries, many memories are becoming blurred, overlapped, and confusing. As a result, it can be difficult to keep thoughts straight, much less condensed. Especially since it's been a while since I've thought our timeline through and discussed it. Of course, I know I also have a habit of including a lot of detail. I hope you understand.

~Rain

That was very interesting to read Rain - thank you for sharing it with all of us here on the forum!

- Nin

Rain, I loved reading your post. It not only makes an interesting chronology by itself. It also serves as an example of a DID life history which others here see they too can eventually put together for themselves, using memories from the past and the broader understanding that comes later. It is so much better when all the confusion and impossible to explain events begin falling into place as part of a larger narrative which is your life. Each bold line is like the start of a new chapter. What you've written is already an outline for your biography, should you ever choose to write one. I hope you do.

Johnny-Jack and lifelongthing, thank you. It is nice to hear that my writing is appreciated. Johnny-Jack, once again, you speak very true words. The more we discover, learn, and realize about ourselves and our system, the more our timeline changes and the more we are able to understand. I have saved this piece of writing, and indeed plan to use it to assist Cassandra in writing about our story. Your encouragement is appreciated.

~Rain

This is my first post, a little scary.
I me my first alter Beth around 4 years ago, she had beeen there a long time, and was a protector, and did not share time or memories. She joined me fully over about a year, then a few montha ago, 4 other started presenting themselves, and I realized I have been timesharing and sharing consciousness with them for some time without knowing.
Watcher came first. She hides most of the time. She holds the majority of my trauma memories, so I am afraid to share with her, but trying.
Then Sunshine, who is very childlike, and mute. I have no idea what age she is, she seems ageless. She is full of joy and wonder at the world, and I love when she is out, even if she does not speak.
Zoe speaks for her, and when Zoe describes herself, she basically describes Sunshine. Zoe, though, feels like everything she is and does has no validity unless someone shares it. I think she and Sunshine are trying to merge.
Chloe is confident and loving, and is merging with me, although she didn't introduce herself until yesterday.