my he-self communicated with T and it went badly

Some recent events have made me realize, with complete certainty that I have different selves/alters. I still am not aware of losing time, but who the hell knows these days. I am distraught atm. I am pretty sure I am the protector/caregiver or something I cannot remember the definitions atm. But my original me is, I think my he-self. He is a traumatized soul and doesn’t communicate or play well with others. My he-self communicated with my T over email for the first time and it ended in disaster. My T doesn’t like email communication. However after much debate he wrote a very difficult email. Difficult in the sense of writing, it didn’t say all too much except a bit of how he felt. Then, naturally after making ourselves a tiny bit vulnerable through this action we pushed back. And I feel my T let go. Like I grabbed his hands, and jumped over a bridge, and instead of him pulling be back he let us all go. I know this is dramatic but when you cannot deal with emotions of attachment well, the emotions ARE dramatic. And I know I am an adult and have to accept the consequences for jumping over/pushing back, but sometimes I feel how a child feels. This is also why I know I am here to take care of my others, because I am trying to take care of him like I do my own children. It is strikingly obvious, at least at this moment, that I am here only to take care of the hurt others. That is why I was created.

I am distraught because I simply cannot imagine ourselves entering a therapeutic relationship again. Because I believe it now, that I need to protect them from being hurt. But at some level I am pretty sure we need therapy.

Is your T fully aware of your DID, and that it was not your usual part but a raw, vulnerable child part e-mailing him? If at all possible, I would recommend working to repair the relationship. That would be a very healing action.

Samsland, I have read your post several times, and you seem to be suggesting that you have more identities than I first thought. I thought it was just the two of you. One male and one female. Correct me if I am wrong.

Counsellors work in different ways. Something has obviously recently happened with that, that your male side felt uncomfortable with. Am I right? Counsellors aim top get to the root of your problems through talking. Is your male side uncomfortable with that? Have you got friends you talk about these things with? You may find this way less stressful. I have had experience in the past where I find that counsellors like to keep things on a face to face basis, and not involve 'out of session' communication.

Have just re-read your post Samsland, and I think what you are saying, is you were trying to keep your feelings locked inside, and your therapist hit a nerve that made you emotional, and your male side has a problem with that.

Is your T fully aware of your DID

I started to speak of it but he didn't pay much attention to it. Said I should't split myself into male and female parts and that I should unify them. HE said because I was aware of my issue I don't have DID.

r therapist hit a nerve that made you emotional, and your male side has a problem with that

I can't manage to get what he feels atm. He feels to me like a pounding headache and heartburn if you know what I mean. He negotiates attachment much like an untrusting toddler. It is all emotion. I am sure he feels entirely invalidated. I usually operate here as the collective but I'm having trouble bringing him into that even. It makes me feel very empty.

Yes there are at least 4 of us.

Sam, it sounds like you've been having a difficult time managing all of this. However, I would like to say what a huge step you've taken in acknowledging your parts! I know you struggled with this for so long, and now it sounds like you are at a place of acceptance about it. I'm not saying it is easy. But your acknowledgment and validation of these parts/alters is a big step, so I applaud you for that.

Negotiating any sort of relationship is tricky, and the therapy one can be trickiest of all. Are you happy with your decision to leave this therapist? It sounds like you didn't feel very validated by them, would you say that is accurate?

Even though your he-self part doesn't feel present at the moment, you could talk lovingly and reassuringly to him, just in case he can hear you. It sounds like you've had a lot of breaches in relationship in your life, and most likely your he-self is holding much of that hurt and fear of abandonment. It would make sense. Even though you didn't find that support and reassurance from your therapist, and I'm sure that was quite painful, at least you can try giving that to yourself. I know how hard this can be, and that it's so much easier said than done, but it wouldn't hurt to at least hold the intention of loving and supporting this part, would it?

And please know I'm here in whatever way you need. I'm always here if you want to talk or PM or whatever. You'll get through this. Hang in there. X

Brandic

Thanks brandic your post was very thoughtful. I want to reply but I'm jumbled atm i feel a bit like I'm rapid cyling through my selves. Not sure what this is. Parts of me are really trying to reach out to people here.

I think what has kept me in a place of denial that in some ways knowing I am not the original, that I was created to take care of my selves (what term would you use for that) invalidates my existence. I think this Is particularly stressful because my parents' parenting style was more or less invalidation.

Brandic your post actually made me cry. Not in a bad way but in a very good way like someone understands. Thank you.

Sam

SamsLand wrote:I think what has kept me in a place of denial that in some ways knowing I am not the original, that I was created to take care of my selves (what term would you use for that) invalidates my existence.

That denial can be healthy in the beginning because it can stop you from discovering too many painful things out too quickly.

Something that might help you to think about is that you are just you like you have always been. Just because you help look after everyone in the system doesn't mean it invalidates your existence. You are still a unique individual with your own likes and dislikes and your own unique character traits and are important for those things. Looking after everyone in the system is your talent on top of everything else that you are. At least that's how we try to think of things.

If you are switching between your selves really rapidly, feel free to write like that. (I almost always do). It can be very cathartic even if it comes out a bit weird like "I feel fantastic at the moment. Sometimes, like right now, I feel in the deepest depths of depression." It's fine, we will understand what is going on.

SamsLand wrote:Said I should't split myself into male and female parts and that I should unify them. HE said because I was aware of my issue I don't have DID.

Oh man, that's bad news. It sounds like he doesn't know what he's talking about... Lots of people become aware that they have DID. Being aware of it doesn't mean you don't have it, it means you are aware of it! I wish I could give him a good slap for you! The first comment he made, that you shouldn't split yourself into parts is ludicrous. What's done is done. It's not your fault. It's just you are becoming more aware of it. I think maybe you need a therapist who understands and specializes in trauma and dissociation. Otherwise it might be a long, hard and possibly more damaging road. The only thing I can possibly think that might help the situation is to try to explain to him what has made you aware of the DID and to explain what signs of this there were before you became aware of it. Ultimately to make a diagnosis of DID they need to see you switch, maybe if he saw he would believe. I don't know. Either way, it's going to be difficult for you if he's already got his mind made up that you don't have it. That's not a very practical standpoint for you, you don't need a diagnosis cause you've already got it sussed. You need someone to help you improve your life and work with your other selves.

Ironically, thinking you have DID is a really important clinical clue that you do in fact have DID. Dr Richard Kluft, who has a phenomenal ability to diagnose DID in the intake interview, mentions this in several books and articles. And Dr Paul Dell includes this in his assessment tool for diagnosis of dissociative disorders.

salted,

thank you so much for your reply. I saw it earlier today at work and I instantly felt better.

witching between your selves really rapidly, feel free to write like that.

Yes this would be helpful if I can manage. I have always worked so hard at presenting as a unified person - not really understanding why it was work. So it is almost like I pass as much as I can by the committee. It would probably be helpful if I can release the control a bit and let my parts be more expressive.

help look after everyone in the system doesn't mean it invalidates your existence.

Your points in this paragraph are well taken. THis is going to be really hard for me.

I think maybe you need a therapist who understands and specializes in trauma and dissociation.

Good idea, I did a quick google search with dissociation and found a few near my work I might call up. Thanks, I was in limbo about what to do next. My T was great. He really is a good person. But I don't think he took some of me seriously. Especially the different selves. He referred to them, I felt almost mockingly but I could have read into it, as "the committee ". I called them the committee in the first place but the way he referred to them bugged me.

You need someone to help you improve your life and work with your other selves.

No kidding. I actually like them you know? when I am not scared of them. I think my he-self is a great person, so smart, and so creative. He really deserves to be loved for who he is. He is an amazing dad. I want to give my kids everything I never had and more.

Dr Richard Kluft, who has a phenomenal ability to diagnose DID in the intake interview, mentions this in several books and articles. And Dr Paul Dell includes this in his assessment tool for diagnosis of dissociative disorders.

Too bad they are not available for tea! I will read more one day I am just not ready.

An odd positive thing to this whole episode is that for the past 3-4 days I have had no desire for SH. It is almost like leaving my T validated my other parts which felt invalidated by my T. That they are important enough for me to walk away from someone who was genuinely supporting me but not the whole system. I hope this lasts.

Sam