Just feeling lost.

Hi. All
It has been a few days since we have posted. We have been very depressed and have little voice at this time. We are sorry we have not real advice for the many questions posted in the last week or so. We think we are more confused about what is happening to us at this time than any time in the past.
We saw the Therapist this week and seem to not be make much head way. Seems he cannot get his head around the DID issue. All he can say is it is our reality. He wants to go through the DSM and define each of our issues. Our guess is in the next two sessions if we do not move forward then this will be the last attempt to deal with the issue through the mental health industry. This has made us cry but we cannot jump through hoops any more. This just makes us get sicker and the energy it takes is just too much. The Therapist still says he wishes to work on the issues but we cannot keep putting so much energy into this if there are poor out comes.
Sleep is a big problem right now. We are having nightmares and wake up in a panic and having anxiety attacks. We are just a mess and do not know how much longer we can hang on before going over the deep end. We are tired of the pain, panic and the never ending nightmare that our life has become. We want our old system back, we want our old life back where everything is not so confusing, where we all work together. This is too much!Wish we could be more help to others but we cannot help ourselves right now.Sorry for the venting.
Us
Watcheroflights

I am so glad you have posted. I wondered how you were doing and hoped you went quiet on here because of positive reasons rather than negative.

I'm sorry to hear things are so rubbish. It sounds like battling through this with your therapist is really really pulling you down, and I don't blame you. When I was getting that sort of attitude it messed me up for days. It is only now that I have found someone to work with who doesn't fob the DID off as some sort of delusion or just "your reality" that my whole system has calmed down somewhat and days are less difficult to get through.

If I could I would replace your T right now with someone much better suited. It would really suck if you gave up on the mental health industry altogether.

Please don't worry about not being able to reply to posts on here. We all know what it is like to withdraw.

My thoguhts are with you,

Bourbon

((Hugs if wanted))
I understand how you feel. I hope it really gets better.
With panic attacks, my T told me they are from points where I thought I was going to die, but didn't and to practice telling myself/alters, I'm not dying, I'm in a new situation, grown up now, yada yada. Kinda like retraining the mind and body. IDK, I just never knew that before. Panic attacks just really really suck!

Bourbon
Thanks for the kind words.
I did talk to the Therapist about the others and answer his question about me being the host. For some reason I hate the word host. It makes me feel like I have been taken over by demons or a ghost or worse parasites. This word makes me feel dirty somehow. Also it gave me a creepy feeling in thinking maybe I was not the core person. Made me think about the possibility the core me was died or gone long ago. These thoughts are creeping me out, depressing me and the others.
Clair is the worry at this time. Is it possible for an alter to go insane? Not, the old Clair the others and I knew. She just sits, rocks and says very little these days
Also the Therapist wants me on medication to help with the sleep issue and the anxiety but I feel it is a danger and cannot agree to it for reasons I do not even understand.
Thomas Lee and the little one Tommy seem to not be that effect except for the depression levels. They are active and still do the normal things that they always have done. The Therapist did point out that Clair maybe realizing that one day she may not be needed and fears what comes from this. We did get down to facing the facts that Clair and Thomas Lee are conglomerations or amalgam of alters and others that came before. Facing the fact that these two may have lost memories of the trauma and abuse in the fusing, integration of the other alters and these memories have been lost forever.
I guess most of all what has got me going is having to face that fact that the old system is gone and will never come back and I/we are force to deal with the change, knowing that we do not do well with change.
Borg, panic attacks suck and wish I could stop them and never have another one again.Thanks for the hugs.
Thanks for taking time to listen to the craziness for what passes as my life.
Regards
Thomas

Hello, Thomas, we are glad to have you back as well, we like your posts and can identify with your thoughts and tribulations.

I guess most of all what has got me going is having to face that fact that the old system is gone and will never come back and I/we are force to deal with the change, knowing that we do not do well with change.

What was your old system, was it the host alone in denial of the DID? Or were you aware but in charge? How did the change come about, via new awareness? Triggering from the death of an abuser as you mentioned in your first post? In any case, I think your assessment is correct that you will not be returning to your old system.

When everyone returned in April of this year or shortly after, John's position as host, mostly oblivious, was unchallenged. Then chaos went through the roof and John could barely hold on to the job. Fortunately, as the months passed, we achieved stasis and moved back to greater functioning, nearly back to where he was a couple years ago. But will we return leaving him to continue as all-powerful host, making the same mistakes that have brought us to an unfulfilled, often dead life? We will not, nor does he wish that. I don't suggest that was the norm for your system.

Your core, or original self, cannot have died, I don't think that is possible. As you probably know, it is not uncommon for someone with DID to have a youngest alter who was hidden away at some point. If you can think of all of these parts as being you, the idea of not having been the original becomes less significant. These are all you. I am an alter born at the age of six and I know very well these parts are all me, I claim them all as myself, including Quato, who is my polar opposite in many respects. Marc-Dominic, the man born into money, privilege and power, and Jack, the hillbilly boy born into poverty, they are me as well. John always felt like an imposter and was actually relieved when he learned how he showed up in the body at age two as it explained that feeling. But we agree, without some perspective, not being "the original" can be unsettling, bizarre. But if you yourself are not the original, the core, whatever you want to call it, you might consider the perspective that from another angle you definitely are the original, the core, because everyone is you.

May I suggest that you may want to add your different parts into your signature, via User Control Panel? It could help us identify the different parts during any post as there as so many people on the board. For example, are Thomas Lee and Thomas different alters? How old is little Clair? Not necessary, just a thought.