Trying to open up *possible trigger, defined roles

As most of you probably know, or can tell by the text color in the signature, my name is Kat. I'm Cassandra's oldest alter, both in age and how long I've been around.

I'm not really sure how to do this, or what to say, so I guess I'll try to jump to the point.

I've been tired and very frustrated lately. I'm tired of trying so hard to do things, and frustrated that every attempt I make seems to get us nowhere. I feel very...weak. And as if I've failed. I should be stronger than this. I shouldn't be allowing myself to be held back by any of the others' feelings or moods. I should not fear anything, and if I do I should not show it. I should be able to do anything I try to do, even if I don't do that great of a job, I should at least be able to do it. I'm tired of having to make attempts at even trying to do something when I'm simply just supposed to be able to do it. It's like trying to try, and I despise it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't feel like I'm strong enough to do my job anymore. I don't feel like I succeed in anything, and for the first time in my life I'm at a loss at what to do... I should never be at a loss of what to do. Even if it's a half-@$$ed plan, I should always at least have something, even an idea.

Wow. Now I see how easy it is for Rain and them to ramble on.

I'm not good at this whole...opening-up thing. Sharing feelings, speaking your "sensitive" thoughts, allowing others to see what's wrong... I grew up viewing those as weak, and you're never supposed to be weak, or at least show your weakness. I'm supposed to be able to handle anything, to take care of anything, to make it through anything. But I guess I'm not... Anyway, I'm trying to confess that the only way for me to open up is if I'm not sober, and I want to try and change that, at least to some degree. I don't want to be turned into a super-trusting, open-book ninny. But I do want to at least be able to talk about something wrong with someone like my sister, Rain, before it explodes. I just seem to only know how to bottle and bury things. For a long time, anger is what fueled me, so I guess I'm used to saving it for times I need to be strong.

I'm going to stop rambling now. I don't think I asked any real questions, but Rain persuaded me to write on here in an attempt to get me a bit more used to opening up. (And yes, I'm not sober while writing this otherwise I'd never submit it. I'd just delete it). So I guess, don't worry about replying. (I feel so stupid right now for posting on here. I'll probably delete it later when Rain lets me. I shouldn't have let her talk me in to this). ~Kat

"If the Good Lord had intended us to walk, He wouldn't have invented roller skates."- Willy Wonka

Um...walking for a very long time would probably get super tiresome if you were doing it by yourself. Maybe you need to open up to others, and skate through life, together. You may fall, but, your friends will help pick you up. Not to mention you can be there for them when THEY fall. And that will help you feel strong, right?

You are not alone. There are many of you if you learn to rely on them and 20 is not very old! It's not that far from being a teenager!

tomboy24 wrote:As most of you probably know, or can tell by the text color in the signature, my name is Kat. I'm Cassandra's oldest alter, both in age and how long I've been around.

I'm not really sure how to do this, or what to say, so I guess I'll try to jump to the point.

I've been tired and very frustrated lately. I'm tired of trying so hard to do things, and frustrated that every attempt I make seems to get us nowhere. I feel very...weak. And as if I've failed. I should be stronger than this. I shouldn't be allowing myself to be held back by any of the others' feelings or moods. I should not fear anything, and if I do I should not show it. I should be able to do anything I try to do, even if I don't do that great of a job, I should at least be able to do it. I'm tired of having to make attempts at even trying to do something when I'm simply just supposed to be able to do it. It's like trying to try, and I despise it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't feel like I'm strong enough to do my job anymore. I don't feel like I succeed in anything, and for the first time in my life I'm at a loss at what to do... I should never be at a loss of what to do. Even if it's a half-@$$ed plan, I should always at least have something, even an idea.

Wow. Now I see how easy it is for Rain and them to ramble on.

I'm not good at this whole...opening-up thing. Sharing feelings, speaking your "sensitive" thoughts, allowing others to see what's wrong... I grew up viewing those as weak, and you're never supposed to be weak, or at least show your weakness. I'm supposed to be able to handle anything, to take care of anything, to make it through anything. But I guess I'm not... Anyway, I'm trying to confess that the only way for me to open up is if I'm not sober, and I want to try and change that, at least to some degree. I don't want to be turned into a super-trusting, open-book ninny. But I do want to at least be able to talk about something wrong with someone like my sister, Rain, before it explodes. I just seem to only know how to bottle and bury things. For a long time, anger is what fueled me, so I guess I'm used to saving it for times I need to be strong.

I'm going to stop rambling now. I don't think I asked any real questions, but Rain persuaded me to write on here in an attempt to get me a bit more used to opening up. (And yes, I'm not sober while writing this otherwise I'd never submit it. I'd just delete it). So I guess, don't worry about replying. (I feel so stupid right now for posting on here. I'll probably delete it later when Rain lets me. I shouldn't have let her talk me in to this). ~Kat

Hello, From a NonDID,
I somehow relate to you and your feelings. I am trying to get someone to open up to me about there DID. The feelings you have are real, and really frustrating. your feelings sound like the same feelings that I am having from the other side of the coin. Sounds like you have done a good job so far with the things that you have wanted to do. I am feeling struck at a point also. I think that one way is to start trying differant approaches to accomplish the same things. If we were successfull in doing things one way we tend to rely on that approach. When it doesnt work we get frustrated and kind of have put blinders on ourselfs. I figure i have to go around,over beneath the brick wall now instead of right thru it. Have to figure out how though,, thats normal when faced with a new problem.
Opening up can be done one moment at a time. doesnt have to be a floodgate. Doing that you can experiement with the trust thing and learn about it. Somethings might be good, some not as well as you might figure. to be expected. hope this made sence somehow.....

Hi!

Good on you for wanting to change things a little. Good on you for making steps TO change. Courageous.

Bourbon

Holy crap, I can't believe the guys are letting me talk specially host boy. I don't know what to say I'm so up right now. I am pissed all the time, almost every second. I'm kinda new. Brought back from the dead. Ha!!! I was just laying around for years thinking I couldn't do nothing. But I'm here now. I got a advantage over you. I wasn't here and I come in and everybody are pals together and they got a good thing going. So I have to learn how to fit. So I tone it down and I'm getting used to being a little nicer. I'm not a jerk, I don't go around hurtin people, I don't think I did. I'm never gonna be sweet and soft and I don't think you are either, Kat. You don't got to be. They can't make you. You're strong. I figure I am and they all say that so I'm okay with these guys. The thing we do for a living, it makes me want to puke but okay we got money and a home. Maybe you can be like a little bit open. It's ######9 hard I know. But they got rules and I want to get the show on the road. They just tried to cushion my attitude now and I about slapped them. In our head! They want me to clean it up, Nope.

I don't want to be turned into a super-trusting, open-book ninny.

You ought to hear me cackle at that! You sure don't sound like that, no maam. I don't think it's gonna happen. That's good for everybody, they just don't know it. I know what I gota do. Keep talkin. That's the rule and there's no place to go anymore, which I like. Don't let them down, Kat. Fight but play by some rules so they can deal with you. You sound strong like they need you a lot. Host boy keeps sayin our rough edges are getting softer. ###k that but I know I got to figure how to talk to them all the time so I get heard. You can do it, you're a strong one.

They thought I was another made-up name. The Sphinx tells host boy my name but he doesn't hear the end right and the robot is also talking about Jack, so he think he hears Dack. Jeez.

Hey, Kat, you don't got to do everything perfect, where'd you get that? You're strong and can get stuff done. You can probably do a better job than some. Keep at it.

Dan

God can I relate. My entire existence has been to be strong, to not show weakness, to not be vulnerable. And it does ######6 wear you down. I get it. It would wear anyone down I think. I don't think people are meant to be strong all the time. And yet I have to be. There is no other choice. No other alternative. And I understand what you are saying about trying to try. Sometimes it feels like such a ######6 effort when it shouldn't feel like an effort. It should come naturally. Why the ###$ are we even here if we can't be strong??? I ######6 get it. I ######6 get it.

Hang in there. I know I can't be much of a help, since I'm not much of a people person, nor am I good at offering any sort of advice. I am quite selfish in that way. I really don't care much for anybody else, since I spend so much of my time just trying to keep ourselves protected. But I couldn't not respond when I heard someone speak who sounds so much like myself. I get it. You are tired of the fight. And it's wearing you down. If it's any consolation, I think you can do it. I can see your strength just from your writing. Even though it feels like the world is wearing you down, and that you can't keep going, I bet there's a well of strength inside of you that you just need to tap into. Sometimes we forget how much strength we have inside of us until we are reminded. So I don't think it's time to give up just yet. And I don't think it's time to get discouraged. You can carry this burden. You are so very strong. You are like me.

Hang in there.

I didn't expect to read all that I did... So, first and foremost, thank you all for replying. (Just because I don't quote you doesn't mean your reply wasn't appreciated, by the way).

dividedtruth89 wrote:" You may fall, but, your friends will help pick you up. Not to mention you can be there for them when THEY fall. And that will help you feel strong, right?

I understand what is being said, mainly because I have reached this point to a very small degree, and I don't think I'll be able to make any progress on it. Partly because of what I'm used to, partly because of how I was "raised", and partly because of my own nature/personality.
I'm used to being the only one not falling. H3ll, I AM supposed to be the only one. Standing strong by myself, that's me. I'm supposed to fix sh*t when it goes wrong, I'm the one everyone comes crying to when something's wrong, I'm the one who's supposed to be everyone's else's f@#%ing babysitter and always know what to do. So when I fall, that's a huge deal. No one picks me up, I just make all of them fall down with me. Does that make sense? I was raised to not cry, or at least let no one see you cry, I was raised to be tough, I was raised to not spew my life story or my heartfelt feelings or my deep thoughts everywhere, I was raised to take care of myself and be independent and strong. I was raised as if life was a boxing match: if you get knocked down, you have to get up before the ref counts to 10. Never give up, always get back up. That type of sh*t. I've always been everyone else's corner-man that tells the boxer's to get back up, tells them what to do and what to look out for. I don't have my own corner-man for when I fight. I'm not supposed to need one. That's what's been hard-wired into me for being strong: I'm supposed to be able to handle my own fights. So while it might be easier for me to "fit it" with everyone else in their happy-skate hand-holding line, I'd feel out of place and weak. Not having support is the best way to ensure you stand on your own, at least that's what I've been used to. If you don't have the ability to get it, you'll have to learn to live without it, and for me I didn't have any way to get support so I learned to live without it. If I suddenly have a way to achieve it, well...I guess I fear I'll become dependent on it and never be able to stand on my own again. And I can't have that. (Not to say that it isn't good advice, it is, I just don't feel like I can connect with it or apply it to myself).

Johnny-Jack wrote:Holy crap, I can't believe the guys are letting me talk specially host boy. I don't know what to say I'm so up right now. I am pissed all the time, almost every second.

Then we understand each other, at the very least, on this point. Anger for me is like a fire that keeps me running. Nothing can completely put it out, even if it gets flooded there's still embers burning that will turn back into flame. No matter what emotion I'm feeling, anger is always there, always under it. I'm always just one word, one action, one squirt of gasoline away from a raging wild fire.

Johnny-Jack wrote:I got a advantage over you. I wasn't here and I come in and everybody are pals together and they got a good thing going. So I have to learn how to fit...

I'm not a jerk, I don't go around hurtin people, I don't think I did.

I'm sure Cassandra's spewed my story all over this place, but oh well. I wasn't always called Kat. (Wow, am I really doing this? I must be really f@#%ed up). I was someone who went around hurting people and the other alters alike. I didn't intentionally hurt people, like Cassandra's friends, I just wasn't very good at being able to keep my mouth shut and act like Cassandra all the time, so when they pissed me off or annoyed me I let them know it. (Something I think Cassandra should've done anyway, but whatever). I kept Cassandra in line, perhaps not in the best way, and I kept the others in line as well. I wasn't supposed to be a care-giver anyway, I was a protector, a fighter, and that's what I focused on. My methods weren't the best perhaps, but we survived and I got things done.

My first name...was Katherine. And at first, it was just me and Cassie (since Cassie is the core). I was not so much a protector as an older sister, but I still kept Cassie safe when needed. I was more like Rain is now. I offered comfort and guidance, I was soft yet strong, and I was always there for Cassie when she needed me. I still didn't open up easily and I still wasn't as mushy as other girls, but I didn't have as good of a mask as I do now. If Cassie asked me about how I was doing, the mask would crack and some feelings would be shown. I also never tried to not fall, instead I focused on just never letting Cassie see me fall or know that I fell. When our mom died, everything changed. I knew that her dad was bad news, I was just never prepared for the full force of what I had to face.

Cassie couldn't move past it when her mom died. She couldn't cope with it. I can still see her during that summer, with her little one-sey pajamas, lying in bed day after day, unmotivated to do anything at all. She stayed in that bedroom, while the part of her that was able to get up from the bed continued on with her life. Cassie's still in that bedroom, while Cassandra shut that door a long time ago. Anyway, after a while I knew we couldn't afford to be childish anymore. We couldn't afford to let fear keep us up at night, we couldn't afford to cry for hours out of loneliness, we couldn't afford to mourn what we were never going to get, otherwise we weren't going to get anywhere in life. So...so I took Cassie and I...I locked her away. I locked her away so that we wouldn't be haunted by her unmet needs. No one was able to care for her at the time, and I couldn't have her...getting in the way, I guess. My attention turned fully to Cassandra and her dad, but I wasn't allowed to deal with her dad very often because that was when she was still a "daddy's girl" and still believed everything he said and still had hope that things would get better. Things only got worse.

He appeared not long after I locked Cassie away. We call him "Hannibal" now, but I prefer to call him other names, more "colorful" names. I don't know where he came from or anything about him, all I know is that I got my @$$ kicked when I first "met" him. He showed up to continue degrading me after Cassandra's dad had left the room. He told me that I was weak, that I had no idea on how to be a protector, on how to be strong. He beat me repeatedly, left me crying. When he left, he said, "It's time for you to learn, Miss Katherine, about everything your dead mother sheltered you from." Since that day, if I didn't perform to his expectations, I was punished. I learned to look past Cassandra's dad's act, to look past his false words and guilt-trips, to look past his mind games and everything. I saw him for the kind of person he really was. I learned to not feel fear, to act on reflexive impulse, to protect myself with quick attacks and even quicker defenses (mentally, emotionally, and verbally). I learned to cope with everything from pain to sadness, and I learned how to use anger for power. I was also manipulated and controlled due to my weakness. If I failed at keeping Cassandra in line, I was punished. If I did not punish her, I was punished. If I showed weakness or softness in any way, I was punished. After almost 2 years of this, I changed my name. I was no longer Katherine, the big sister. I was Kataki, protector and fighter, and I was the reason we were "making it" in this life. I chose the name Kataki because it means "Revenge", and I was a Revenge unto Cassandra's father. I was going to be our mother's Revenge for how he treated her, I was going to be Cassie's and Cassandra's Revenge for how he treated them, and I was going to be my own revenge for everything he caused me to go through. I wasn't going to stand for his bullsh*t anymore and I was going to make it clear to him that I had no ties to him whatsoever. I didn't give a rat's @$$ about what he felt, what he thought, what he said, or what he did, and I made sure he knew that. But I did pay a price for what I'd become.

Everyone feared me, and Rain appeared to oppose me and take my place as Cassandra's comfort and guidance. Granted, I was only acting on what I'd been taught, both by Cassandra's father and by "Hannibal", but that doesn't excuse it. I remained the strongest aside from "Hannibal", and continued my reign of control. I became abusive, even to Cassie, as I would force her to quiet down whenever she'd cry or fuss about something. I kept her locked away for as long as I was able to. Everyone was weak in my eyes, weak for not being able to handle things compared to what I'd gone through, compared to what I was still handling. They became mere objects that were in my way, slowing me down. I was the first one Cassandra would warn other people about, because she feared the amount of damage I could cause with what I'd say/do if I was to come out. I was the one people didn't want out, and I'm still the one people don't want out. I was the one everyone wanted to get rid of, the one that Cassandra's friends, boyfriends, and family wished didn't exist. People feared me, hated me, tried to make me see the "error" in my ways, but what did they know? We were surviving, my tactics were working, and who were they to say what is right/wrong when they don't know what our life is like? (Sorry, it's still a touchy subject). But eventually things started to change.

Cassandra started to fight me and ignore me, and others were appearing. Cassie was able to break through at some point, and now my opponent Rain looked after her in my place. L.C. stemmed from the hopelessness and pain in 8th grade, Kyra pretty much ran the show for 8th grade then when Cassandra changed in 9th grade she "disappeared", an uncontrollable thing that no one really knew (later found out to be Ray) was reappearing more often, and even though Rebel was a little fun she didn't help with Cassandra's motivation and that pissed me off. I was losing my grip, losing my control, although we still got things done they weren't getting done fast enough or well enough and I began to get frustrated. "Hannibal" had disappeared by then after teaching me "too well", in a sense. I took the courage and anger I learned from him and fought back, driving him off. Things got better overall, but I still hadn't regained my control. We moved out on our own, graduated high school, got a job, the works.

I guess with the absence of her dad some of my guard got let down, because my thoughts and feelings about relationships had changed as much as my name had, and I rejected every single one of them. Until Cassandra met Darren. I still portrayed myself as the protective controller, I made no attempts to hide my punishment tactics from him, even though my actions made him dislike me, it forced a distance between us which I used to calm my fear. I didn't understand how me made me feel, nor did I understand why I became emotionally attached to him. Unlike the others, I was adamant about Cassandra not being a "wh*re" with Darren. (She was greatly affected by previous actions of mine and by how L.C. was apathetically compliant with every guy, so she herself sometimes found it difficult to resist temptation and stay loyal). Normally, I didn't care. Anything that could possibly lead to a break-up I was all for, except for when it came to Darren. And my weakness with him cost me dearly. I had allowed Cassandra to become too reliant on him, too dependent, and in turn I had allowed myself to rely on him to help Cassandra so that the full burden was not on me. So when he left, like all the others, like how I warned Cassandra in the beginning, like I had warned myself in the beginning, it was a huge blow to us, all of us. For the first time in my life, I had trouble standing on my own, and Rain was struggling to hold Cassandra up. Then she met Mike.

At first I was pissed. I wanted to follow Darren, to pursue the chance we still had. I wanted nothing to do with this Mike, and I wanted him out of my way and out of Cassandra's life. There was no reason for me to believe he was different from the others. But then that f@#%er did something that confused the h3ll out of me. He asked questions. About us. He wanted to get to know each of us, not just Cassandra. He wanted to spend time with each of us, not just Cassandra. And for some strange reason, he wanted to get to know me. For the first time in my life someone cared about what I had to say, about my opinion, about how I felt. I was still broken from the hole Darren had left, but perhaps that broken state is what helped me to realize that I didn't have to be Kataki anymore. No one was manipulating me anymore, I didn't have to deal with Cassandra's dad as much, I was free, or at least more free than I had been in a long time. So, I left the name Kataki behind and started to call myself Kat. I couldn't go back to being Katherine, there was no way I'd ever be that person again, but I wasn't Kataki anymore either. I was, and still am, Kat.

But I had things to atone for. Abuse doesn't go away just because the name of the abuser changes. I was still an outsider to their little "system", their little "group". Cassie always thought of me as her older sister, but I had still caused her fear and pain, and nothing I could do could change that. I still tried, though. But I never could shake my stone-wall, tough, closed-book nature. I can't play with Cassie like I used to, I'm not a big sister like she thinks I am. I'm not one for hugs or mushy words, or any of that. I'm not soft. I'm hard, hard to love and hard to be loved. Sure, everyone realizes what I went through and that for the most part I was manipulated, but that doesn't change the fact that I did the things that I did, nor does it change who I became and who I was used to being. Rain will ask me to open up, and I can't. Why? Because that's what I'm used to. Cassie will tell me to be happy and smile and I can't. Why? Because I'm not used to being happy, not used to trusting whatever made me "happy". Cassandra will tell me to calm down and I can't. Why? Because I'm used to being angry, I'm used to turning that to rage at the drop of a hat. Mike will tell me to loosen up and I can't. Why? Because I'm used to being punished for being "loose", I'm used to bad things happening when my guard's let down.

-sigh- I guess I just feel like an outsider to everyone, even though I'm the oldest here. I feel like I can't ever connect properly with anyone.

Wow. I'm sorry to turn that into a boring, long-@$$ ramble about nothing. Excuse my temporary whiny-ness and droning on about nothing. I'd delete it except Rain won't let me. So I apologize.

*acknowledging nod* Thank you for your words, Dan. It's nice to know I'm not alone in how I am or how I feel.

brandic wrote:God can I relate. My entire existence has been to be strong, to not show weakness, to not be vulnerable. And it does ######6 wear you down. I get it. It would wear anyone down I think. I don't think people are meant to be strong all the time. And yet I have to be. There is no other choice. No other alternative. And I understand what you are saying about trying to try. Sometimes it feels like such a ######6 effort when it shouldn't feel like an effort. It should come naturally. Why the ###$ are we even here if we can't be strong??? I ######6 get it. I ######6 get it.

Hang in there. I know I can't be much of a help, since I'm not much of a people person, nor am I good at offering any sort of advice. I am quite selfish in that way. I really don't care much for anybody else, since I spend so much of my time just trying to keep ourselves protected. But I couldn't not respond when I heard someone speak who sounds so much like myself. I get it. You are tired of the fight. And it's wearing you down. If it's any consolation, I think you can do it. I can see your strength just from your writing. Even though it feels like the world is wearing you down, and that you can't keep going, I bet there's a well of strength inside of you that you just need to tap into. Sometimes we forget how much strength we have inside of us until we are reminded. So I don't think it's time to give up just yet. And I don't think it's time to get discouraged. You can carry this burden. You are so very strong. You are like me.

Hang in there.

We do sound like each other, and I thank you for responding. I almost feel as if I'm looking in a mirror when I read your post, and for some reason that helps. We are like each other, and if you can carry your burden, I do believe I can carry mine. Again, thank you for responding. Your words ring true and have helped lift some of the weariness.

I'd like to say that I have won a small victory today, perhaps 2 small victories. The first was the fact that I was able to exercise. We have not exercise in so long, and even though I try to push Cassandra out the door or try to start it myself, we always get held back by something and it was a continuous failure of mine, or so it felt that way. This morning I was able to keep everyone up/awake, I got everyone ready, I was able to ignore the fear responses that the littles get from leaving our room, and we ran for 20 minutes. It felt great. And now, getting on here when I said I wouldn't, and allowing myself to open up and really post about anything that comes into my mind, that's another small step for me I think. I might not have gotten a couple chores done yet, but I can still do them, and I think these 2 accomplishments accomplish more important things than housework right now. (I do apologize for this being so long, though). Hopefully I'm able to learn how to be like this when I'm sober (when it's ok to be, of course).

Thank you all for listening, and thank you for replying. This had definitely been an interesting and learning experience. I don't know if I wrote anything that anyone can "reply" to, since I don't think I asked any questions, but it's just nice to know that someone is listening, so I don't care about replies. Thank you for reading. ~Kat

What a courageous story. You are indeed a strong individual. Glad to get to know you more, hope you keep posting. I know things will get better for you. I know that sounds mushy as #######4 but it's true.

It sounds like you really did try to be there for Cassie. I have hope that your relationship with her, and the rest of your inner family, will heal.

tomboy24 wrote:Anger for me is like a fire that keeps me running. Nothing can completely put it out, even if it gets flooded there's still embers burning that will turn back into flame. No matter what emotion I'm feeling, anger is always there, always under it. I'm always just one word, one action, one squirt of gasoline away from a raging wild fire.

I have never heard anyone else describe it this way, in the same way I do. When I had this other T, she had asked me how might I go about putting out the fire that is my rage. I told her that's impossible, because the fire lives inside me. I told her I am like a dragon in that way. An ever-present, perpetual fire burning always inside me. Sometimes, when I am provoked (or for no reason at all), the fire comes spewing out. But just because the fire isn't seen doesn't mean that it's not there, right underneath the surface.

tomboy24 wrote:for some strange reason, he wanted to get to know me. For the first time in my life someone cared about what I had to say, about my opinion, about how I felt.

I feel the same way about my last T. And I am very angry at myself for falling for her manipulations to get me to trust her. She ultimately proved herself to be untrustworthy. I should have known.