Visiting a parent. A joint decision? *May trigger*

Warning that this may be triggering!

I'm considering visiting my aged mother later within the week to present her with my newly recalled knowledge that she was multiple. While she is still living,I would also like to ask her for more details about my childhood and forgive her for what an angry alter did. Ideally, the host mother (a good alter) and we might be able to gain some peace of mind. I have no idea whether she knows about her alters but it's clear she loses time and must have a clue about that. Due to the passing of a favorite aunt eight months ago, I (not we) stayed with her briefly but I didn't then have the memory of her bad actions and her multiplicity.

However, my alters are suspicious of my motives, probably based on my imaginative playing out of various possible conversations, some going well, some going terribly. Jonathan and Jack have so far forbidden it. Jonathan tells me the toddlers are in terror at the mere idea. I understand and know it would likely alienate them from me, though I have little connection to them yet or to their emotions. As longtime, mostly uninterrupted host, I've considered overruling and doing it anyway, but I know that would be selfish and stupid and I hope I'm beyond that. Anyway, my alters are no longer sleeping and could probably collectively now squish me like a bug! I'll request a discussion at least but I am guessing now that I'll be outvoted and will have to acquiesce. They have okayed a letter but I don't believe the results will be the same.

I realize there is risk and that the knowledge is still new, but the payoff, the experience of resolution, could be tremendous for all of us. She is quite elderly and in poor health and we may not have another chance to do this. Do we risk losing the opportunity? I have thought about how to set up a visit which will ensure our safety and a way of approaching the discussion to protect hers hopefully.

I cannot imagine an outcome that would truly be positive. I fear the little ones will cause a breakdown. They are awake now, we are all awake. There may still be time.
I don't give a crap about that ol lady, she ain't my maw. I think it's a crazy idea right now. It kinda makes me sick and she didn't never do nuthin to me.
I do not vote. You are not ready to forgive.
I don't think we would have an actual breakdown, when have we ever had a sudden one? Flashbacks and emotional reactions probably yes, but there have already been a lot recently. I believe the potential benefits outweigh the risks. But if I'm really not ready to forgive to some extent, I won't go.

I have less than two months experience negotiating with others inside, even needing to negotiate at all about what I do.

Other than thoughts about this, I'm wondering how your system comes to agreement or at least make a final decision on significant life issues?

Is the possibility that you might gain something from her that you can't figure out for yourselfs so great?

Have you tried coming up with worst case scenario plans with them?
Like what you'll do, how you'll help if the system reacts, etc...

Wow that is a tough decision to have to make. I don't know what to say...

My mother is also multiple... I am interested to see what everyone has to say to you because one day we will be in the exact same position of having to make that decision also...

Unless we integrate first...

Well I doubt that will happen....

There's always a chance...

Why outright multiple, and not just extreme ego states? I would say that now you are aware, it is time to visit her and observe all that transpires with new awareness. Simply observe, and think about what you observe. Now is too soon for confrontation. It is unlikely that you have processed all that needs to be processed. Also, I think there is a lot of merit in waiting until your system reaches consensus about how to move forward. Is she likely to be open to hearing any of this? Does she even know you are a multiple yourself? This is a lot of new information, and if you deliver it too fast she may shut down.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. It seems at least a delay is warranted so I'll likely travel back within a month or two. Jack and I talked a lot on a long walk today and he's ready to 'vote' with me, he trusts my reasoning, he says. And this would have meant cutting short our current trip to Kentucky for him so I appreciate his generosity and am a little embarrassed about my insistence for now. Still I believe talking to the mother directly about this is the right thing to do, including for the toddlers. It would prove to them that I'm willing to stand up for them, to try to make things right somehow. To acknowledge what happened for them, and I'm not totally sure what did happen or to whom.

I'm sure of my mother's multiplicity because of my recovery of my own -- not an alter's -- thoughts as a child, of which I was amnesic until recently. At age five I had names for the different mommies which are probably self-explanatory: pretty mommy, singing mommy, the monster, animal mommy. I recognized how sometimes when I said the right thing, she would "go blind" for a few seconds, then pretty mommy would come back. A two-year-old wondered who the stranger was who was wearing mommy's dress. She's always claimed never to have said or done mean things that she said or did even moments ago. She's seemed to have no memory of certain events, responding with empty filler comments as cover. Even when I was a teenager I recall her ranting things to herself when she was "in that mood" like "they're not my kids, why do I have to take care of them and feed them?" and "this is my house, mine, why are all you people always here?" which I'm sure all my sisters thought were odd at the time, of course.

Jonathan says he will try to prevent a system breakdown in the event of a visit. He can zonk alters out at least briefly, it seems, but it takes energy, he's never tried it with everyone at once, and it may not work as well as it used to before they were all re-awakened. I also have some control over dissociation and can take myself within moments to a bland place without disappearing but I've never faced an abuser before so who knows?

My thinking has been to ask her something like what it's been like to have the other people inside her? I could tell her I have other people inside me too. Or I could ask her first about losing time. That would seem more likely to produce a good outcome because she surely knows she goes away sometimes. On the other hand, I lost time all over the place as a kid, including most of second grade, and briefly throughout adulthood but had absolutely no memory of it, so who knows? I would use a cousin who lives nearby as an anchor and safety net but I'll have to explain to her about all this first.

Okay, I am convinced your mom does have DID. She may not know it, though. Although now I know in the past I lose time more often than I was co-present or co-conscious, the lost time was the last thing I noticed. I would start by telling her about your own DID, describe the symptoms you experience, etc., describe how usually other people don't notice or if they do notice they dismiss it. Watch to see if any of what you relate about yourself resonates for her.

What you describe happening to your mom when you were a young child is called decompensation. It happens a lot to a parent who has DID, when their children are the same age as they (the parent) were when they were abused. So perhaps it is not your mother that you should hold accountable, but one of her parents. Or one of her parents' parents...

I would talk to your cousin. Explain everything, then get his/her opinion. Maybe even have that person come with you.

Yes, I have no doubt my mother became multiple due to familial abuse and who knows how many generations it goes back? I really ponder that. So I do actually have some compassion for her, at least her nicer alter(s). It's difficult when the terror and damage are so recently uncovered, though to be honest it doesn't seem all that "new." If I do start to get angry, I know I can count on Jack. He would never let me or anyone else touch an innocent person, let alone a defenseless old lady, well, not exactly innocent.

Naw, I wud'n let you hurt nobody, even her. You ain't never done that.

When I told my mother about my father's initial inappropriate behavior (all I remembered at first), she didn't deny it, she related how her older brother and some other kid did something bad to her. She briefly described feeling detached from her body and floating away. Obviously dissociation, I recognized that years ago. She had an inordinately close relationship with her father, he walked on water, blah, blah. That makes me suspicious because my alter Jonathan became a little companion for my father so I wouldn't have to be around him and, until recently, Jonathan couldn't say anything bad about him.

Good point about possibly not even noticing lost time, it's possible. It seems a little weird to start our talk by explaining my DID to her, since she was the cause of four alters, including me, existing before the body was three or so. What if she responds by asking how I think I got it? Well, gee, mom, you, 'member?

I haven't encountered the term decompensation before, but it might also explain the father's behavior, based on things I now remember he said. Oh god, no wonder these two damaged people found each other. Geez.

Also, I'm not sure now I can tell all details to the cousin, who I'd stay with, but I think I'd want her nearby. She and my mother have a mutual hatred so she wouldn't be allowed in. The mother had a thing about children with brown eyes -- me, my younger sister, this cousin -- the brown eyes of some tormentor(s). The older and youngest sister had blue eyes and so escaped the worst. She had another issue with little boys and their 'parts.' I'm not trying to ruin her life and spotty reputation, and the cousin would be tempted to do that with full knowledge. I just want some resolution, to speak up for the little ones, two of whom don't seem to have a voice at all, just pain. Yeah, all in all, this is a confusing situation with no obviously right answer. But I'm not getting any younger and we want to reclaim what's left of our life.

If you choose to go, I will not stop you. I believe now you want this for the toddlers. I believe I can help calm them.

Thanks. We still have a couple more days to decide.

The cousin who hates your mother does not sound like an appropriate support person for you in this. Can you find someone else? Do you think you will be able to drive yourself home again? Maybe ask in your community about volunteer programs to drive people to medical appointments and stuff. It turns out there are two of these where I live, and I will be getting someone to drive me to appointments while I am in the hard parts of therapy.

I advise against confronting your mother. Telling her your diagnosis and, if she asks, that it is caused by trauma in early childhood, is likely to be more than enough to get the disclosure process started. If you overwhelm her she may shut you out, which is not what you want.