Help with my sig other

Hello,

I'm hoping to get some advise on how to best deal with my significant other who has DID but doesn't talk about it much. We've been having some communication issues that we've been working on but we've also been on a break of sorts. Up until recently he would say he missed me and loved me. But then he started saying how nothing but "the animal" was left and there is nothing to talk about or try to save. The animal is what he calls the part of himself that he says has no heart really, no feelings, that simply wants to survive and nothing more. I know that he loves me but I'm afraid that our relationship issues have pushed him over the edge. I of course want our relationship back but I'm more concerned about him at this point. Today he started saying "we" as in the animal and himself. Texting me as though I was talking to the animal, not him. I don't know how to approach this. Every attempt I've made at showing support has been met with either silence or hostility. I don't feel I'm equipped to talk about DID with him because we've never directly talked about it, just his history with abuse that led to it. He never liked to show weakness and was very capable of "keeping it in check". I'm worried that the emotions of dealing with our relationship problems have triggered something. I know it might sound like I just don't want to be dumped and I'm looking for any excuse to believe it's not happening, but I know in my heart that he loves me and even if he didn't want a relationship he wouldn't be as cruel as he has been recently. We aren't in a good place but I just want to make sure I'm talking and getting answers from him not the animal. I don't want to pressure him because that's how we got in this mess to begin with but I also don't want him to feel like I don't care. Does anyone have any suggestions? Texting is pretty much the only option now because he doesn't want to see me.

Thanks in advance.

I am sorry you are having this experience with a person with DID. This is a very typical experience. The fact that he is now saying "we", and it seems that now the animal part is communicating with you directly, probably are signs of tremendous progress for him. They may not be signs of hope for your relationship, however.

The animal is part of him, the part he now chooses to show you, is just as much part of him as any other part is. Treat them all as one in the sense that all parts speak for the whole. Be very clear that any internal conflict within his system is their problem not yours. Use as your guide what the part or parts in front tell you, as if he didn't have DID. To be clear, I am not saying deny or ignore or disregard the DID; I am saying that whichever part is in front, that part is due the same respect and regard as any other person. If how that part handles his relationship with you causes him a problem with his other parts, let that be their problem not yours.

Trying to control his feelings is futile. Also not your job. Your job at this point is to take care of yourself. Hear what he is saying and decide what to do in light of that reality. You have basically two options, both based on the fact that you love him. One is to say goodbye. Then, because you love yourself, think twice about ever getting back on his merry-go-round. The second option is to tell him that you want to be with him, so if he does not want to be with you then it is his job to cut you off. It is up to him to stop replying to your texts just like he has stopped seeing you. Consider these two options, and ask yourself which option honors your heart more? Which option reflects greater self care?

For what it is worth I have DID and I am married. On the whole I am very happily married. And yet part of me wants a divorce, doesn't want to be married to anyone ever, and more than once has told my husband so. From what I have written above you might think that my husband, hearing me say I want a divorce, should promptly make it so. But remember that I also said the DID person's internal conflicts are their problem, not anyone else's. My husband does not want a divorce, and that is his answer to me: if I want a divorce then it is up to me to make it so. My internal conflict over this sometimes causes me fits, but the fact that I am able to experience the conflict, to "hold" it, is a huge step forward for me. That reflects a level of internal communication among my self states that formerly did not exist. Formerly they were compartmentalized. I would be all in, then there would be a switch and I would be all out. I would just walk away from any conflict and move on to something else.

Good luck.

A postscript to my comment above: I don't do PMs. My time and effort is devoted to public threads in the DID Forum. Public threads keep the disclosures more contained and safer for everyone involved, and also help all of us so much more by enabling more persons to read and to comment on the thread.

For private, confidential consultations that go deeply into the most personal details please seek a licensed therapist or counselor.

My questions were less personal and more specific, I guess. Or they seem specific to me anyway. I was wondering how it might work in this scenario... If his alter has come out due to stressful situations with us, is that alter still "out" when he's with other people, or is it possible that he only feels the need to come out when talking to me, because he sees me and our issues as the reason for the animal to come out to begin with?
Also, in your opinion, is backing away completely a good solution, letting him approach me when and if he's ready, or is there a benefit in occasionally reassuring him that I'm still there for him, that I'm not angry. I know this question might depend greatly on the person, but I thought there might be some general insight, or maybe a similar personal experience that could help me understand.

Una+ wrote:The animal is part of him, the part he now chooses to show you, is just as much part of him as any other part is. Treat them all as one in the sense that all parts speak for the whole. Be very clear that any internal conflict within his system is their problem not yours. Use as your guide what the part or parts in front tell you, as if he didn't have DID. To be clear, I am not saying deny or ignore or disregard the DID; ****** I am saying that whichever part is in front, that part is due the same respect and regard as any other person.**** If how that part handles his relationship with you causes him a problem with his other parts, let that be their problem not yours.

Trying to control his feelings is futile. Also not your job. Your job at this point is to take care of yourself. Hear what he is saying and decide what to do in light of that reality. You have basically two options, both based on the fact that you love him. One is to say goodbye. Then, because you love yourself, think twice about ever getting back on his merry-go-round. The second option is to tell him that you want to be with him, so if he does not want to be with you then it is his job to cut you off. It is up to him to stop replying to your texts just like he has stopped seeing you. Consider these two options, and ask yourself which option honors your heart more? Which option reflects greater self care?

I could not have said this any better.

I just ended a relationship and it was so frustrating because he was SO SURE, it was the DID and we were meant to be together. sometimes a break up is a break up. PERIOD.

if he is communicating that is a good sign. but I wouldn't push. pushing me resulted in zero contact policy. and nobody inside cares because he was a pain in the @$$.

what, Una+ said is spot on.

tell him how you feel and move on with honoring your self.

Una+'s first response is spot on.

Daaemond wrote:If his alter has come out due to stressful situations with us, is that alter still "out" when he's with other people

You'd need to ask him that, there is not a general answer that applies to all the time to everyone with DID that we can answer for you.

Daaemond wrote:or is it possible that he only feels the need to come out when talking to me, because he sees me and our issues as the reason for the animal to come out to begin with?

Realistically no one person's actions (after the development of DID) cause an alter to be out, it is the interplay between their past experiences and present experiences and the emotional responses that come with that that can influence a particular alter's presence. Regardless, I feel you are essentially asking if there is anything about you and the current tensions that is causing this alter's presence. Ultimately, so long as you act with the respect and decorum that you would with any other person, then it's not your responsibility to try and sort out how another person is feeling, presenting and reacting. That is their choice and responsibility. You only really can decide to honour the right choices for you based on the reality of the situation at hand.

Daaemond wrote: is backing away completely a good solution, letting him approach me when and if he's ready, or is there a benefit in occasionally reassuring him that I'm still there for him, that I'm not angry

It's probably worth asking him this question and then respecting whatever his answer from whatever part you get the answer from. Again, it is their responsibility to make the choices they want to make as a whole and the best thing you can do with that is just act with integrity and respect both their decisions and what is best for you. If you feel drawn to try to continue in a relationship that you get signals for is not welcome, it could be important to ask yourself why you persist trying in the face of this reality...

Daaemond wrote:If his alter has come out due to stressful situations with us, is that alter still "out" when he's with other people

Daaemond wrote:or is it possible that he only feels the need to come out when talking to me, because he sees me and our issues as the reason for the animal to come out to begin with?

We cannot answer that question. Only he or someone who interacts with him in different social contexts can answer it. Also, the answer does not matter.

So it sounds like he is conflicted about whether he wants to be with you or not. In normals, these would be mixed feelings....in DID its different parts.

''Animal''...that sounds aggressive. Do you know what caused this aggression towards you/the rship? have you been aggressive with him too? This probably has a root somewhere. Maybe some things he perceived about your rship. What threatened him?

It sucks to have communication issues. Sometimes these come from the simple fact of seeing something from a total different perspective due to who you are as people. Theres no real solution to it other than accept it as it is; or let it go.

What you can do for yourself is pay attention to your own behavior and what it triggers in people.

For a while I've been wanting to write a post for partners. I was a partner too.

In our position, we sometimes go through the difficult process of being wanted by a part of the person we love, but being unwanted by another. Many times, we hold on tirelessly to that part that loves us dearly, and we hope for he/she/them, to always front, and to influence everyone else inside to love us.

Salted wrote it wisely:

salted lipstick wrote:If you feel drawn to try to continue in a relationship that you get signals for is not welcome, it could be important to ask yourself why you persist trying in the face of this reality...

As I walked away from a relationship in which a part of him wanted me, and another part wanted others, I had to ask this myself. Why did I feel drawn to him, to them?

After many months of looking inside to find answers, I run into an article which was related to BPD, but that I still found interesting (Could my BPD lover be right about me?). One of the things I got from it is that well, there were traits in me, things I was trying to fill by wanting to be with him.

Sometimes I believe that some of us partners, engage in a "savior" crusade, to save the one/ones we love. Many times they don't need us to do so, and many ones don't want us to do it. Maybe it is us who need saving, and us who wants to be saved.

The work to look inside is hard. More often than not it is easier to look at someone else, and try to solve their problems.

The mixed signals we as partners sometimes get, it's no different than a person having mixed feelings for us. Once we see this, it might make easier our decisions.

I wish you wise decisions Daaemond.

Sea

I love the woman that I met, the woman that I had three children with. But she disappeared a few a years ago. She still fronts occasionally and I absolutely adore the little time we have together. It's is so peaceful, and contented.

Other parts of my wife, I get on with. I respect some of them, I joke with some of them. We keep house and do we a fairly good job of it.

Other parts of my wife hate me, and they regularly ***TW*** threaten to kill me in my sleep .***End TW***

So, it's not a single relationship that one is either drawn to, or pushed away from. It's multiple relationships each with somewhere along a continuum of love and hate.

I fairly and openly admit to having the 'saviour crusade'.

My psychologist and I have had lengthy (rational, wise-mind) discussions on what would constitute healing for my wife. I have admitted on a number of occasions that I am prepared that healing for my wife, does not necessarily include a relationship with her. It may be better for her to be independent. It hurt to admit it initially but I have come to accept the real possibility that all this hard work will result in her walking away. But at least I will know she is a healthier person.