BF with DID I'm pregnant, he's violent PLEASE help!

Hi there,
I'm in desperate need of some advice, tips or help from anyone willing. I can't talk to anyone - friends,
family, they won't understand.. I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now - we've been through a lot, especially within the first 6 months of our relationship. We've had a lot of trust issues, past issues, problems with my family not accepting him initially.. But a year later & were better then ever. Im 6 months pregnant & he's asked me to marry him (which is huge for him - commitment is massive after everything he's been through).

I feel now there's just one piece left to our happily ever after' puzzle. His alter, Johnny.

I've known about Johnny since about a month into our relationship & started to see 'switches' and notice changes in my boyfriend mostly when he was stressed or when we'd argue. Johnny pretty much hated me from the get go because of some of the issues my boyfriend & I had. I never use to understand it & thought my boyfriend made a lot of this up in his head (he's been through ALOT as a child - he's been pretty open about most things that've happened to him when he was younger & Johnny came about) until I started researching DID a few weeks ago. I'm now intrigued, curious, scared & in desperate need of advice to try and mend things I guess with Johnny.

Johnny is a scary, angry, violent, manipulative alter (and my boyfriends only one thank gosh). He has so much hate and anger built up from everything they've obviously both been through & I seem to now be copping the brunt of it all. My boyfriend & I argue as much as any normal couple but we can't let it get to far otherwise he'll 'switch' and that's when things turn violent & horrible. I've conversed (I guess you call it) with Johnny quite a few times since my boyfriend & I have been together - the things he says are cold, frightening & send chills up my spine - even thinking about him now. He has a whole different tone of voice, attitude, my boyfriends eyes & face turn almost dark and scary. I can't help but be petrified of him. Johnny refers to my boyfriend as 'weak' and says it's my fault things are like this, he's nicknamed me 'little tiger' & loves to play evil games.. He has this wicked laugh & it takes Johnny to have me by my throat or have given me a black eye/blood lip for my boyfriend to gain control & come back to me. He says its like viewing everything through a camera lens & he feels like he's running around in his head trying to escape and stop Johnny from hurting me. He feels terrible when he comes back to & often cries, tells me I deserve more and to just leave him. Sometimes he doesn't remember much but seeing my face or bruises on my body is enough for him. But my boyfriend, as a person is this sweet, amazing, romantic, funny loveable guy who has a big heart & loves me so very much.

The past few months I've tried conversing with Johnny via my boyfriend - he says he hears & has a response to everything but often my boyfriend won't elaborate on the things Johnny says as it's always negative & horrible. He HATES Johnny. I'm trying to make amends, or make Johnny see I'm not here to hurt them; I've made a few mistakes in the beginning as has my partner but I'm not a bad person & am about to have his baby! I'm in it for the long run & try to understand why he can't try or why he can't accept me. Tonight is the first time my boyfriends offered me to talk to him.. For him to be 'let out of his cage' willingly & not through anger.. He says he's scared that Johnny will take over & he won't be able to come back to me though.

After much research on DID & alters etc I've tried a different approach. I've said to my boyfriend (knowing Johnny can hear me) that he should thank him for protecting him, he should accept & embrace him and find a way for us all to get along.. That I don't blame Johnny for being full of hate and anger as that's all he's ever known. Apparently Johnny for the first time in a long time when it comes to his opinion on me was quiet. Although not long after was saying things like 'you're a liar, you'll be gone soon, I want to stomp your head in...' It scares the absolute $#%^ out of me the thought of Johnny being 'let out' and me trying to talk to him.. But I don't know any other way to try and get him even semi on side. To not hate me & not look at me as the enemy. In the 6 months that I've been pregnant he's violently harmed me a handful of times - I just want to be able to argue with my boyfriend like a normal couple and not have him there waiting to be released to hurt me. I want to somehow stop him from saying negative, manipulative things to my boyfriend trying to convince him I'm this evil person who's not worth his love or time.

I truly don't know where to go from here - I would HUGELY appreciate any comments, help or advice from anyone who are/have been in similar situations or think they can help me get through to Johnny. Is there any way to 'lock up' or get rid of an alter when you have only one?

Thank you in advance for reading my novel - I appreciate any replies x

Kmeredith88 wrote:Hi there,
I'm in desperate need of some advice, tips or help from anyone willing. I can't talk to anyone - friends,
family, they won't understand.. I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now - we've been through a lot, especially within the first 6 months of our relationship. We've had a lot of trust issues, past issues, problems with my family not accepting him initially.. But a year later & were better then ever. Im 6 months pregnant & he's asked me to marry him (which is huge for him - commitment is massive after everything he's been through).

I feel now there's just one piece left to our happily ever after' puzzle. His alter, Johnny.

I've known about Johnny since about a month into our relationship & started to see 'switches' and notice changes in my boyfriend mostly when he was stressed or when we'd argue. Johnny pretty much hated me from the get go because of some of the issues my boyfriend & I had. I never use to understand it & thought my boyfriend made a lot of this up in his head (he's been through ALOT as a child - he's been pretty open about most things that've happened to him when he was younger & Johnny came about) until I started researching DID a few weeks ago. I'm now intrigued, curious, scared & in desperate need of advice to try and mend things I guess with Johnny.

Johnny is a scary, angry, violent, manipulative alter (and my boyfriends only one thank gosh). He has so much hate and anger built up from everything they've obviously both been through & I seem to now be copping the brunt of it all. My boyfriend & I argue as much as any normal couple but we can't let it get to far otherwise he'll 'switch' and that's when things turn violent & horrible. I've conversed (I guess you call it) with Johnny quite a few times since my boyfriend & I have been together - the things he says are cold, frightening & send chills up my spine - even thinking about him now. He has a whole different tone of voice, attitude, my boyfriends eyes & face turn almost dark and scary. I can't help but be petrified of him. Johnny refers to my boyfriend as 'weak' and says it's my fault things are like this, he's nicknamed me 'little tiger' & loves to play evil games.. He has this wicked laugh & it takes Johnny to have me by my throat or have given me a black eye/blood lip for my boyfriend to gain control & come back to me. He says its like viewing everything through a camera lens & he feels like he's running around in his head trying to escape and stop Johnny from hurting me. He feels terrible when he comes back to & often cries, tells me I deserve more and to just leave him. Sometimes he doesn't remember much but seeing my face or bruises on my body is enough for him. But my boyfriend, as a person is this sweet, amazing, romantic, funny loveable guy who has a big heart & loves me so very much.

The past few months I've tried conversing with Johnny via my boyfriend - he says he hears & has a response to everything but often my boyfriend won't elaborate on the things Johnny says as it's always negative & horrible. He HATES Johnny. I'm trying to make amends, or make Johnny see I'm not here to hurt them; I've made a few mistakes in the beginning as has my partner but I'm not a bad person & am about to have his baby! I'm in it for the long run & try to understand why he can't try or why he can't accept me. Tonight is the first time my boyfriends offered me to talk to him.. For him to be 'let out of his cage' willingly & not through anger.. He says he's scared that Johnny will take over & he won't be able to come back to me though.

After much research on DID & alters etc I've tried a different approach. I've said to my boyfriend (knowing Johnny can hear me) that he should thank him for protecting him, he should accept & embrace him and find a way for us all to get along.. That I don't blame Johnny for being full of hate and anger as that's all he's ever known. Apparently Johnny for the first time in a long time when it comes to his opinion on me was quiet. Although not long after was saying things like 'you're a liar, you'll be gone soon, I want to stomp your head in...' It scares the absolute $#%^ out of me the thought of Johnny being 'let out' and me trying to talk to him.. But I don't know any other way to try and get him even semi on side. To not hate me & not look at me as the enemy. In the 6 months that I've been pregnant he's violently harmed me a handful of times - I just want to be able to argue with my boyfriend like a normal couple and not have him there waiting to be released to hurt me. I want to somehow stop him from saying negative, manipulative things to my boyfriend trying to convince him I'm this evil person who's not worth his love or time.

I truly don't know where to go from here - I would HUGELY appreciate any comments, help or advice from anyone who are/have been in similar situations or think they can help me get through to Johnny. Is there any way to 'lock up' or get rid of an alter when you have only one?

Thank you in advance for reading my novel - I appreciate any replies x

Wow what an amazing lady you are, the extremes you have gone to make sure your boyfriend alters are accepted. Butttt here is where I share my concern for the safety of you and the baby, it is unacceptable for you to be suffering physical abuse no matter which alter it is, your boyfriend needs to get help and immediate help because boundaries need to be made and also what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, I know you love him but this just cannot go on at all and I would recommend that you also seek help, it's almost seems mesmerising that on one hand there is this lovely person who at the switch of a button turns into an ugly violent person, this is not normal and needs to be addressed before someone gets seriously hurt, either you are the baby...this is urgent please I beg you pursuade him to get help or at least do something that will keep you safe, violence is unacceptable period.......

i agree with MSD. yes, your bf is important. but you matter too. and physical harm is not accaptable, especially when its your job to protect a baby as well. please be safe.

my first thought was that all this is mostly HIS problem. sorry to tell you that it is impossible for you to solve his problems and just find a way to fix him from the outside. if he is serious about being with you HE needs to start to work with this problem. see a therapist. get help.
everything else you can learn here will help, but it will not have the power to fix him. you cant save him from himself and for the long turn its not going to work well. even if you could make friends with that alter, if HE doesnt connect with the alter there will always be out of control moments for him.
i personally dont think there is an easy way.
that is not meant to sound depressing... its just... both of you need to take responsibility for your own responsibilities. your first responsibility is to keep yourself and the baby safe. his is to work things out within himself. he is responsible for his actions and even if it feels like someone else did you harm, he is also responsible of that never happening again.

Hi Meredith,

Congratulations on your upcoming arrival. I can tell that you are full of love and compassion and that will help you be a great mom!

Do you live alone with this guy who beats you? (The alter thing really doesn't matter anymore than if he hits you with his right hand or left hand) Where can you go that is safe? Who do you know that is YOUR supporter, ally, and friend?

There are 90 days left to prepare for the arrival of an innocent, helpless soul in your arms that is utterly dependent on you for all their needs. Shelter, love, warmth, food, cleaning up lots and lots of poop. This precious creature is already inside you and your number one job right now is to protect that baby and your self.

You can do this. You can handle this. You have to be strong and determined and you have to do what is right for your child.

Keep your cool. Make a plan. And execute it with swiftness and precision. You are a mama now. Get out of there NOW.

Thank you all so much! I appreciate you taking the time out to reply to me -

I completely understand he has more responsibility with forming some kind of boundaries with his alter - the thing is though he HATES him, he wants nothing to do with him & wants to pretty much pretend he's not there. He can control switching (until an argument happens or something makes him angry, the odd comment will slip out now & then) and says prior to me Johnny (his alter) was 'locked in a cage' and pretty non existent. He's seen a psychiatrist many years ago but that didn't help - it only aggravated Johnny.. I guess my partner thinks now we're at a much better place in our relationship with trust restored etc & he's strong enough to usually shut him down that it's better for us to both just keep ignoring Johnny pretty much & he'll eventually fade away. I'm not sure if my partners being naive or not.. I do think keeping him 'locked up' just aggravates and makes him angrier. Each time I've dealt with the alter the first thing he'll do before smiling a wicked smile at me is sigh a big sigh of relief - & often says something like 'it's so good to be back...'

I know deep down if things continue this way our future looks dim but I love him so very much & im not ready to give up just yet - despite everything I've been through.

I've been discussing a lot of things I'm now learning from this forum & other research with him and tonight he's asked me to stop. Johnny doesn't like me learning about it all & my partners scared acknowledging him will only make him stronger. I have been trying to encourage my partner to form some kind of relationship or understanding with him but he's adamant it won't do any good. He says since I've started talking about him a lot more & trying to understand him my partners felt physically sick, weak & light headed.

He described Johnny's appearance to me at my request.. He's scary looking with scars on his face, devil like horns & goggles of some type. He frightens me so much

I'm a little lost on what I should do next - I want to respect his wishes but at the same time I want this alter not to hate me

there is a big chance that your partner doesnt "hate" this alter, he is scared out of his mind.
and he obviously doesnt control the switches, cause when triggered by an argument the alter shows up.
i feel like its sad truth day... but the truth is that alters dont disappear just because you ignore them. that is as naive as thinking that a baby would disappear if you just ignore it. another sad truth is that while alters can be banned for a while they cannot be put into some kind of prison forever. they will find a way out and at least for me that comes with an aggressive explosion. nobody would want that. this is not a solution. facing fear could lead to a solution.
i believe the alter doesnt "hate", he is just as scared as anyone around him right now. he just puts on an aggressive and frightening face to hide it. researching stuff can cause a lot of fear in alters.
if someone understands how the system works they could get around the protector and do real harm. its terribly scary when people start to learn things...

the weird truth is that your partner is in control over himself, i mean he is able to make free choices. he can chose to get help, he can chose to try to connect with an alter who scares him, he can chose to work on this. he is not powerless in all of this. but he needs to make a choice to change something.

i guess if you are willing to stay with him there is no need to "break up", but some distance would keep you safe while he is working out his problems. and i would highly recommend a distance that keeps you safe from violence.

birdsong87 wrote:there is a big chance that your partner doesnt "hate" this alter, he is scared out of his mind.
and he obviously doesnt control the switches, cause when triggered by an argument the alter shows up.
i feel like its sad truth day... but the truth is that alters dont disappear just because you ignore them. that is as naive as thinking that a baby would disappear if you just ignore it. another sad truth is that while alters can be banned for a while they cannot be put into some kind of prison forever. they will find a way out and at least for me that comes with an aggressive explosion. nobody would want that. this is not a solution. facing fear could lead to a solution.
i believe the alter doesnt "hate", he is just as scared as anyone around him right now. he just puts on an aggressive and frightening face to hide it. researching stuff can cause a lot of fear in alters.
if someone understands how the system works they could get around the protector and do real harm. its terribly scary when people start to learn things...

the weird truth is that your partner is in control over himself, i mean he is able to make free choices. he can chose to get help, he can chose to try to connect with an alter who scares him, he can chose to work on this. he is not powerless in all of this. but he needs to make a choice to change something.

i guess if you are willing to stay with him there is no need to "break up", but some distance would keep you safe while he is working out his problems. and i would highly recommend a distance that keeps you safe from violence.

You're so very right in what you're saying - thank you for giving me some insight, I appreciate it more then you know! So me researching and looking into all this could possibly be frightening or aggravating the alter? I don't want to cause any more hostility towards me from him. He may or may not 'hate' me but he sure lets my partner and I know he wants me gone.

I will definitely be taking on board and suggesting to my partner that he face his fears- I'm not sure what kind of help he would agree to as he believes nothing will work.. Johnny doesn't want to compromise or communicate - apparently he simply wants to make smart remarks and me gone. End of story

It saddens me I can't help my partner more - I guess I just have to try and be there for him, do my research and protect myself and baby as much as I can.

Do you think if (by a long shot) my partner forms some kind of positive relationship with Johnny that could in turn lead to him accepting me?

i can only speak for myself here. i have been protecting the system forever, by looking perfectly normal and in control. the moment L got in touch with people who saw thru the masks... people who understood what was going on, people who recognized me... i knew that they would find a way around me to connect with the system. and at that time i believed with all i am that this would mean death for all of us. so yes, it has scared me a lot when people i didnt trust that much knew more about DID than they should. just my protector perspective here....

as long as your partner hasnt tried everything he cannot say that nothing works. how would he know? the hard part is to make the CHOICE to do something. not everything has to work right away, he just needs to start moving. neither of you can stay in this situation and just keep going like that.
if he finds a good T who is willing to talk with Johnny you will hear that they do have ways to communicate with alters like him. its no problem for a T. i get the feeling that it would be good if Johnny had someone trustworthy to talk to, someone who is not part of this relationship thing...

another hard truth is that you cant control other people. you cant make anyone happy. you cant make anyone love you. you can do your best but what other people do is their free choice. there is no way to tell what Johnny will decide. he may get to like you, he may tolerate you, he may reject you, you cant control him. you can just try to become a trustworthy person and wait to see how he will respond.

I think you're on the right path. I would try to continue to improve the relationship you and your boyfriend have with Johnny. I would try to make a trade, you accept Johnny for the way he is right now because you don't blame him and even see some advantages (Like Johnny probably holds massive amounts of mental and physical strength which is a great thing for humans to have and really helped your boyfriend to survive), but in turn for your acceptance he is not allowed to hit you or physically hurt you in any way. I don't know if you're that far yet. If eventually you have the physical part down you could try no yelling or no name calling etc.
You could maybe arrange for Johnny to tell you to leave him alone if he switches out, and you could walk away (with child) and go somewhere until they calm down, instead of abusing you.

Kmeredith88 wrote:After much research on DID & alters etc I've tried a different approach. I've said to my boyfriend (knowing Johnny can hear me) that he should thank him for protecting him, he should accept & embrace him and find a way for us all to get along.. That I don't blame Johnny for being full of hate and anger as that's all he's ever known. Apparently Johnny for the first time in a long time when it comes to his opinion on me was quiet. Although not long after was saying things like 'you're a liar, you'll be gone soon, I want to stomp your head in...'

When I read the start of this part I immediately thought that it would take some time and persistence and probably even proof for Johnny to start believing that. The things that they've gone through probably involved manipulative abuse and deceptive people who used their good trust to deceive them. Johnny likely holds the bulk of these abuses and trust issues. The fact that he even lets your boyfriend stay with you and doesn't interfere unless he sees a reason for that (fights/ stress etc) is reason for hope absolutely. But you're a pregnant woman (I can relate ) and you shouldn't be hurt physically nor emotionally. You don't want this to become an example for your kid. So I'd say he needs therapy if that's a possibility but even if not, there will be a way to be able to force at least a non physical approach. Abuse is abuse no matter who it's coming from or why.

Not really going to say anything new, just that I agree with the above posters. Your BF is responsible for his actions, regardless of it being an alter or not. Has he been Daignosed with DiD? How did oyu come up with this conclusion? Like did you look into it because he said he knew he had another person named Johnny in his head? I ask because does he believe he has DiD? If he does then why wouldn't therapy help? You need to protect yourself and your new lil one to be. So I would tell him, get help or get lost. Maybe not that harsh, but you get what I am saying. Being DiD is not an excuse for your actions and he needs to udnerstand that. Also, you have a baby coming. What if Johnny hates the baby as well? It just isn't a safe situation to be in.

I know this is hard, especially when you are in love with this person. Yes he may be nice, sweet, romantic, etc. but he does have a dark side. Everyone does. Regardless of the alter or not, he is still abusing you, and you do deserve better. He needs to change and seek help. Good luck to you really. Oh and don't quit researching, and the best bet is to try and show Johnny that he has no reason to be agnry. Don't let him decieve you though.