"merging" always good?

Well, here's one point of view...

I like the way things are
I say "abandon the search"

No, I've never been close
I've never been close
But I've never been far away

Yes but remember this
It's always been a long shot or worse

And until then,
Until they've reason to think
I've a shot at redemption

Until then...
...I'm not talking.

I think this sums it up for me. Thanks everyone for your responses.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezGy4aprOK0

...I'm coming to think that there can be in-between states between full separation and full fusion, i.e. a state where alters are still separate selves but work together so smoothly they can pass as one entity - kind of like a swarm. The advantage is that there is no more time loss or switching-related confusion and memory is consistent, but at the same time alters can still do what they like or are good at - it is a gradual shift rather than a sudden switch in perspective.

Our system has fused a while ago but in certain situations I still experience certain alters to be more "out" than others. I suppose this is what singletons do when they have a "professional self", a "family self" and so on. They don't even notice the shifts. I do because I remember what it was like to switch.

Do you see fusion and integration as two different words to describe the same thing tribeofone? I'm unsure if fusion and integration, and merging in fact, are the same thing.

...I'm coming to think that there can be in-between states between full separation and full fusion, i.e. a state where alters are still separate selves but work together so smoothly they can pass as one entity - kind of like a swarm.

I think I experience something close to this at times? We work together seamlessly (for minutes not hours) but we are still separate. I am co-conscious with all parts for the majority of the time and feeling have been shared with me but the dissociative barriers that hold trauma memories and feelings have yet to completely dissolve, and parts still think and act of their own free will. These feelings that are shared with me can be very confusing – I will cry with them, but at times I don't even understand why. It's very hard to own these feelings and the whole experience changes the idea of my identity. I am the host, and had a very clear idea of my identity before I was aware of the parts, but with these feelings and trying to hold the idea that the parts and I are one whole person is very hard. I don't know who I am, whilst simultaneously knowing who I am if that makes any sense? It feels like taking on more aspects of the self, becoming more rounded and balanced (with a complete memory, feelings (from trauma time) and inner children), but at the same time I almost feel like I'm losing myself.

I welcome merging, fusion and integration (all words I am using to describe as coming to together to be whole). I want all feelings and memories to be integrated so no part of us has to deal with these alone. And from there I would like us to no longer be separate so I (said in unison) can think as one and make whole decisions based on all the conflicting information and ideas we each hold. I can work together (with parts who share their opinions) to make decisions now but it is very hard, if not impossible to get a feel for the right (and whole) decisions to make with all these conflicting opinions – I hope I've explained this ok. Integration would also save so much time! It's hard work asking what everyone thinks, feels and helping them to learn new coping mechanisms and work through old trauma based coping mechanisms – the latter is very painful and I wish I could just take all the pain away from them. If we all knew what we were all thinking and feeling together things would be so much easier, I think.

Can I ask if you are integrated (the word I use to describe being whole and not separate) or somewhere in between tribeofone?

Do you see fusion and integration as two different words to describe the same thing tribeofone? I'm unsure if fusion and integration, and merging in fact, are the same thing.

I used to use the words interchangeably, but Una+ just pointed out to that they actually describe two different phases in the integration process. This resonated with me, I think I am largely fused but not necessarily fully integrated. This means I have no more overt symptoms (switching, time loss, memory issues), but sometimes I still tap into thoughts, feelings and memories that I don't recognise. I just found an entire "memory box" (that's what I call them) full of things one of my alters got up to over the last year that was entirely news to me. I suppose this will keep happening for a while until everything is in its proper place.

I relate to what you say about feeling like you're losing yourself the more fused you become. As unaware hosts, our entire sense of self is based on NOT accepting alter's feelings and memories as our own. E.g. I am a hyper-moral person, a walking guilt trip, always put others ahead of me, etc. Some of my alters on the other hand can be selfish and downright (IMO) immoral. I now have to accept that this immorality is "me" too, but that means my self-image changes from what it used to be.

You sound like you are well set up for attempting fusion, if you so choose. I think empathy with your alters is key, and understanding that they carry pain so you don't have to is, too. It does make things easier in everyday life and it does save a lot of time if you don't have to have meetings about everything - in other ways, it makes things more complicated. DID systems are teams of highly specialised "experts" who practice a certain "division of labour". Fusion means that every part needs to be able to handle every situation, a bit like Lenin thought communism would work This can be very daunting for some alters, especially littles. But it can be done (fusion, not sure about communism )

I used to use the words interchangeably, but Una+ just pointed out to that they actually describe two different phases in the integration process. This resonated with me, I think I am largely fused but not necessarily fully integrated. This means I have no more overt symptoms (switching, time loss, memory issues), but sometimes I still tap into thoughts, feelings and memories that I don't recognise. I just found an entire "memory box" (that's what I call them) full of things one of my alters got up to over the last year that was entirely news to me. I suppose this will keep happening for a while until everything is in its proper place.

Thank you for your message, I completely understand now. I've read about recovering memories after what some people call integration, but referring to it as fusion before full integration makes much more sense.

I relate to what you say about feeling like you're losing yourself the more fused you become. As unaware hosts, our entire sense of self is based on NOT accepting alter's feelings and memories as our own. E.g. I am a hyper-moral person, a walking guilt trip, always put others ahead of me, etc. Some of my alters on the other hand can be selfish and downright (IMO) immoral. I now have to accept that this immorality is "me" too, but that means my self-image changes from what it used to be.

It's nice to know that this feeling of 'losing yourself' is an entirely normal experience when starting to fuse.

Fusion means that every part needs to be able to handle every situation, a bit like Lenin thought communism would work This can be very daunting for some alters, especially littles. But it can be done (fusion, not sure about communism )

This is exactly what we are working on, but we didn't realise it was fusion! It is especially hard for a little one. All but one part (a little one) trusts me and the rest of us to take care of every situation. It is trust and fear that stops this part from giving up the idea they cannot and do not control control our outer and inner worlds (they're very abusive towards me and the others and of course, abuse is a means of control). It is very scary for them to know they don't have control of us or other people. Through trauma, they held on to the idea that they could somehow change things in the outer world if they said or did something differently etc. They hold onto the idea it's their fault as this way they were in control and this is less scary for them. This is something we are currently working through but is very deep rooted for her and it's an idea she has held onto for a long time.

It's really nice to hear that you have experienced fusion and are well on your way full integration. You're an inspiration and I really hope to experience it one day too.

I have experienced merging or fusion as a positive. Almost all of my alters have merged and are working together for the first time. It is a lot of grief work though. I am sad as i now see the bigger picture. Each alter has amazing strengths and weaknesses. Before merging I was not as aware of their weaknesses. It is hard when I am made aware of the weaknesses of each alter, especially from situations where they were acting alone and not with the benefit of the rest of us. It is a good thing though. Now we are able to make better decisions that reflect more data points. I especially see this when one alter has been involved singly in an unhealthy relationship. We just didn't see it before and now as a merged person we are aware of the negative consequences of these unhealthy relationships. I see this in relating to my dysfunctional family at large. I can now set proper boundaries with people who are hurtful to me. Before I merged I didn't see the need to protect myself quite as clearly as I see it now. Most of my alters could never see the larger big picture through only their eyes. In our case, merging has been very helpful.

Xxxooo

tribeofone wrote:Our system has fused a while ago but in certain situations I still experience certain alters to be more "out" than others. I suppose this is what singletons do when they have a "professional self", a "family self" and so on. They don't even notice the shifts. I do because I remember what it was like to switch.

Yes, I think you nailed it. I guess a large part of the process after you get there is somehow learning to get used to it, to the extent that you barely notice it anymore and you don't think to monitor yourself, because you just "work together" seamlessly within. Certainly not easy to achieve. But I can only think it's worth it.

Glad to hear it's being a positive experience to you

(Right now I can't read the whole discussion in this and other threads that you guys have been posting on, but I'll come back to it later. Lots of things there to be thought about.)

Our system has fused a while ago but in certain situations I still experience certain alters to be more "out" than others. I suppose this is what singletons do when they have a "professional self", a "family self" and so on. They don't even notice the shifts. I do because I remember what it was like to switch.

I consider myself as pretty much fused together but just had the experience of having one alter dominate a situation with a friend. I was meeting someone I had not seen in several years and the past alter who used to have this friendship stepped way forward during the time. I was expecting a fused new-me to be there. Not so. The one alt controlled the body and the rest of us were peering through the eyeballs In what felt like a tunnel to see and hear what was going on. What the heck? I became very depersonalized during the exchange and I left there wondering if I had even fused at all? I'm probably not as merged or fused as I thought? Or certain circumstances are just going to pull an alter forward. I did feel co-conscious and perhaps it was the first time I experienced co-consciousness in that particular relationship.

If I am fused ? like tribeofone, I am still noticing a shift in certain circumstances.

JournalGirl, this kind of event has been reported in the DID therapist literature in otherwise fully fused DID systems. It does signal a partial "failure" of fusion but generally these separation events are transient or can be repaired easily. This is just another aspect of our biology, and biology is messy.

Will you see this friend again? Does the friend know you are a multiple? Spending more time with this old friend could be therapeutic for you, if approached with a constructive therapeutic attitude and/or followed with some sessions with a DID-savvy therapist to process the experience.

Is the friend a multiple too? When another person has that effect on me of powerfully drawing forward a certain part of me, often that other person is a a multiple and a certain part of them is fronting.

Hi Una+- thanks for shedding light on this situation.

Will you see this friend again? Does the friend know you are a multiple? Spending more time with this old friend could be therapeutic for you, if approached with a constructive therapeutic attitude and/or followed with some sessions with a DID-savvy therapist to process the experience.

I have plans to see my friend again next weekend, though this time including our husbands. I wonder who of me with show up for that?

Is the friend a multiple too? When another person has that effect on me of powerfully drawing forward a certain part of me, often that other person is a a multiple and a certain part of them is fronting.

I suspect that most of my closer-type friends are multiples. It's these types of people that I feel most comfortable around. I thought carefully about what I would disclose at this get together ahead of time. I basically decided in advance to share that I had PTSD after my dad died. I didn't mention my parts but was sort of checking things out (something I never used to do in the past!!) I was being super careful as I did not want to activate her system if she has one and in the past I have activated other peoples systems and it was a big mess - so I took care not to do that. I suspect that this friend is did and unaware at this point.

I'm interested to get my therapists take on this in a few days. Thanks for sharing your perspective. Very helpful. Xxxooo