"merging" always good?

don't know if i have "real did" or "ddnos-1", or whatever. makes no difference. do i really want to "merge"? i'm not so sure about that. i don't like the idea. i want to be me and i want to be alone and i don't want to be them and i don't want keep taking care of them forever. i want to run. and you (i mean you, reading this) do you want to? did you before? did you change your mind? will you try to? or keep trying to? is it really worth it?

I don't think merging is any more desirable than disintegration. It's a state of being, which may or may not occur naturally. I don't force it or prevent it; I simply live my life, work on healing, and whatever happens, happens. Pretty simple.

I'd just like to note that I wasn't drunk when I posted the above (and in fact I haven't drunk any alcohol in months). I was under the effect of a sedative, but only a very mild one. So, in short, I suppose what I mean is that I (or perhaps "another I", I suppose) did mean what I said. But I recognize that the language doesn't sound very friendly, and possibly it sounds a little rude or even hostile, so I apologize for it. I am still curious as to the feelings and opinions of others with regard to this subject, though.

Eventually, I will be going to enter therapy again (whether still within the short term, whether only in the long term). And then, regardless of what my future therapist might tell me or ask me, I suppose that I will need to have in mind some type of general goal of my own as to what I'll be wanting from therapy. And I suppose that I will also need insights regarding each of my parts, as to how they feel about it. For the most part (with the notable exception of a few ones) I don't essentially resent them, and I don't want them to be gone. So, for now at least, I just want to find ways to promote harmony within, and not unity per se.

But then of course I wonder: is it naive of me to think that it's possible and sustainable to find that harmony, to such an extent that it wouldn't be desirable for me to integrate "my parts" into an actual and singular "me" who can truly represent myself as one person?

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PS: I am rather hesitant about revealing names at this point, but I guess this is a good opportunity to ease into the idea without significant risks involved, and then see how uneasy I might feel about it. I, as of this particular moment, am Otto. The one who initially posted this thread is Allie. (Unless I am confusing her for someone else, which is still happening more frequently than I would expect, especially in cases like this, where I wasn't filtering or transcribing anything. I notice that I make mistaken judgements within just as much as I mistakenly judge other people. But still, I believe that really was her.)

AltCtrlDel wrote:I don't think merging is any more desirable than disintegration. It's a state of being, which may or may not occur naturally. I don't force it or prevent it; I simply live my life, work on healing, and whatever happens, happens. Pretty simple.

Thanks, ACD. Maybe your message wasn't there before because of some glitch or maybe I missed it, but I think that's a nice way to look at it. I'll try to not forget what you said.

We work towards a life where all parts of us have a place and all parts feel valued. We want all parts to have a life that they value and that is dignified and happy. To some, that will mean integration, to others it will mean to stay separated. Two parts of us have combined into one (integrated) in the past, one more is on the horizon and a few others have talked about wanting to. Some have said they would never want to integrate as they lead full lives inside or outside and that is their choice. In the end all we want is for all parts to be healed and present - present being in whatever way they should wish.

I don't know about Alter 4 but everyone else in my system has voted for fusion. So far 4 of us have fused together, and all those fusions have held. Alter 2 intends to go last, to wait for Alter 4 and any others (if there are others) to go before him.

Post fusion there is always a rather painful period of adjustment that can take weeks or months to complete. Fusion is a big life change. There is both rejoicing and grieving.

I really like the topic cuz it's been on my mind for the past several months.

I want to integrate because I want to be one person. I want to be the person I was born to be, before all the bad stuff happened. But some of my alters are totally against it. They don't like other parts of me so they don't want to be "one" with them.

I've mentioned before that I go to a DID support group. One of the ladies was diagnosed over 20 years ago and is totally against integrating. She says she has learned to live as a multiple and doesn't want to change. My T says it is too early for us to be thinking of it and also tells me sometimes it just happens naturally.

I'm very interested in what other people have to say about it and what their experience has been.

Thanks for the topic

All of my 3 fusions so far have been spontaneous. The first fusion was in the Spring of 2011 before any part of my system even knew fusion was possible. I had only just learned about the diagnostic signs and symptoms of DID and had not begun reading about treatment and recovery. Months earlier, in January 2011, I had a profound and memorable dream in which, in hindsight, I experienced fusion.

2 of us have integrated, but the experiences weren't pleasant at all. not meaning to discourage anyone, just adding some variation in experience.

We don't want to integrate, however we're not saying never, simply now is not the time. In T today we said that we can feel a storm coming, but that it will be ok as long as we are together. Last week just 2 parts were around - the happy, more normal ones with energy that can get stuff done. After 3 days someone turned round and said 'I cant cope with this, we have to put things back the way they were'. And that was it, something happened, we slept a lot and now everyone is around. Everyone may be shouting and screaming, but I feel safer when I can see them and know they are there, I feel comfort in knowing that whatever happens I'm not alone, someone will always shout 'no' before we accidently step out in front of a car, or whenever danger is around. We trust them, that what they say has to stay inside, is for a good reason.

Natasha isn't around a lot at all anymore, she was around a lot at the start of therapy 3 years ago, we still have her toy, and occasionally see her in our inner world playing, but there is no sadness from her anymore. Thats what we would like it to be with the others, knowing they are there, but that they are happy now and the pain all gone. Knowing that if we ever need to find our childish side to paint with kids etc then they will come out like 'normal' people and enjoy it.