Still hanging in there..

Hi everybody...I am the support person of a man with DID. At the beginning of the summer, he had a major switch and left me. We had been together several years and had a very good, respectful relationship. I was what he referred to as his "rock" and "stability." Unfortunately he is not in therapy, is not interested, I've never forced the issue but always supported it. Summertime is always a big trigger time for him.

When he had his major switch, I want to say he switched to a teen personality or protector, he expressed feelings on wanting to get out of here, and that he had been cooped up for so long! The littles were already gone by this point.

I am trying to come to grips with the situation and give him the space he needs and hope he will come back on his own. I know it's no guarantee, but no matter what I would say at this point, he would not believe it. Says he loves me but is not "in love" with me, and that he needs action...excitement! And felt that he was dying inside, and getting old. At this point now he says he is lost and confused.

Can anyone shed any light on what could be going on with his system? Is this typical of teens, protectors or persecutors? Or a sexual alter? I know everyone's system is different, but any support would be helpful, as I'm in a lot of pain. Thank you--

Hi, Patience. I have really admired the courage and fortitude you've shown in dealing with a very trying situation. My post probably won't bring you solace, but it should offer a perspective from a system that's fairly self aware.

I'm in my 50s and have alters who are, well, you can see from my signature. They experience themselves as ages from under 1 to over 70. Their behavior, thoughts, and response to our environment is still about 95% consistent with how we were or might be at that age. There is definite awareness among almost everyone that they are in an older body, certainly a larger body. But the age difference has been one of the most difficult ongoing issues. In part, they feel robbed of their chance to grow up on their own, they feel lost in time. I myself know this is basically illogical. I know they are all me/we, that we did live the actual years in between their age and mine, even if it wasn't that enjoyable. We have good communication and we're cooperative, respectful and co-conscious. But I still have DID and the dissociative walls prevent us from just uniting or changing instantly.

As an example of the range of differences among us, I just returned from a two-week vacation to Kentucky for Jack, the most independent alter after me, the host. Jack cried for joy upon arrival there and wept a long time as we left the state. I could feel his heart breaking, I could feel his love for the mountains, the plants, the people, their speech. The body never spent more than a couple weeks total there in the past, though we did know some people from Appalachia in childhood. I could feel his overwhelming desire to drop our academic and urban life in Boston and move there or somewhere like it. Jack spent dozens of hours in the body there and interacted with people as himself so I had a lot of time to observe and listen to him.

His back story of having been raised in Appalachia was invented -- "I'm fictional," he often laments -- but his dialect and desires are authentic. In fact, his emotions feel more genuine to me than mine usually do. I tended to believe that because he was still a child, things would change in the direction of our current "real" life as he began to mature. He is slowly coming to accept that he's a grown man and, because he is so influential in the system, others are as well. His desires have matured but they haven't really changed. Nor have those of others. Dan still craves being active, running around, being healthy and fit, even as he comes to accept he's no longer 15. I guess I was still halfway expecting that everyone would sort of drift towards the present life. I realize more and more that wasn't valid.

All of the alters in our system, me included, are aspects of a single human being, the totality of which simply isn't content with the life I've created. I realized a couple years ago I chose my current career because what it involves helped calm me down after losing time in childhood (me as the host). That's not to say that we may not all still evolve towards what we now have. Quato, who held much of the injury from SA, has grown and changed a lot the past couple months, away from what he was. But I don't feel him moving towards who I am. The most likely outcome, one I've read about and have plenty of evidence for within, is that who we all are will mix together, more or less.

That's my story and situation. I have no doubt that not every system is going to work like this. And my story isn't really over yet anyway, so who knows? I will say that if we had married, I feel certain everyone would have stuck with that, regardless.

Hi Johnny-Jack, I am so glad you posted. I remember talking to you a couple of years ago on this forum, and you've always been so helpful and insightful. I always thought your system sounded a lot like my BF's.

I have always been curious as to how the body can have alters that are older than itself?

You know, I just don't know. The teen alter is the one that I can really see who has different goals in mind (or whoever this one is that's taken control). It may not be a teen, but his idea has always been that he's "running out of time", that he "doesn't have long" and this is his chance to be all he can be, he's got to at least try it before time runs out, even if he crashes and burns, as he says. It really sounds like, from all the things he says, almost like he is having a midlife crisis. And, maybe this alter is, I don't know.

As far as the other alters I've met...they seemed pretty content here in our home. They felt safe, loved..I think the one who is in charge now has been stifled for too long; the host was so tired. I'm only assuming this is what happened.

I have always told him I wanted his happiness, and if his happiness lies in leaving me, then I guess it's tough luck for me. I would never want him to be here and be unhappy and feel trapped.

I am very worried about him. I know he can be destructive. He was so happy when he was here...at least I hope he was. I'm feeling very confused myself.

Hi Patience. I've never met you before and I apologize for never introducing myself.

I couldn't help but chime in here after reading Johnny-Jack's post. I am 47 and undiagnosed. I have no communication (or very little) and am in huge denial at the moment. However, what JJ said made something click in my head. I want to live near the beach, but hate the hot weather. I want to live in the mountains, on a farm, in the "leave it to Beaver" type suburbs, in a large city and travel the world, ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!! My mind will wander and I will feel the need to take off and drive to anywhere but where I am, but I can't/don't because I am married. I have quit many, many, many jobs because of it. I have always wanted to be a police officer, a newspaper writer, an accountant, a teacher, a nurse and a bunch of other things I can't think of right now. When I was younger if I felt an urge I just went with it. I did that with most areas of my life. It was as if I had no impulse control. This topic, as well as what JJ said, help to put a little perspective on that. Thanks!

Hi Snuffthroostr: nice to meet you too! You sound very much like my guy. He's a little older, but he's also undiagnosed. Also quit many, many, many jobs. Also wants to live here, there, everywhere and also wants to be many different things.

Yes, his instability was like a roller coaster, but I was used to it. I always let him go when he needed to go, and he'd always come back. I never thought he'd take all of this things and leave. This isn't the first time it's happened. Host change, I think...or a host break, I hope.

This is an amazingly well written and insightful post, Johnny-Jack. Thank you for sharing your experience and insights.

Patience wrote:I have always been curious as to how the body can have alters that are older than itself?

Often an older alter is an introject of some older person we experienced in our childhood. My Alter 2 for example seems to be an introject of my father as I experienced him when I was a small child. I see a lot of things they have in common, most notably their anger and how they express it.

An introject can come from a fable heard, a book read, a movie watched: from anywhere in our culture. In the literature on DID there are many case reports of alters who self-report as spirit guides, saints, angels, even Jesus. The perceived all-knowing and all-powerful yet somehow remote internal self helpers of many Christians with DID are a great mystery.

To me the heart of this thread seems to be how persons with DID struggle to solve the "One Life" problem. So...

Like many of Johnny-Jack's alters, several of mine too feel that they have lost decades of their life and they desperately want to live a full and satisfying life from here on out. Seen from the outside it may seem irrational but the fact is this is exactly their subjective experience and their thoughts about it are entirely rational and their painful feelings are entirely valid. Everyone, with DID or not, has ego states and internal conflicts between those ego states. The essential feature of DID is structural dissociation, those walls in the mind. When structural dissociation is present, internal conflicts can only be acted out in the switching between hosts rather than worked through. They cannot be worked through if the dissociated identities are not aware they exist.

My system has achieved several fusions, and although I often describe the fusions as the alters fusing into me, as if submitting to my authority as host, I feel that in order for this to happen the alter who had to change the most was me. Before my fusion with Teen Girl I had to empathize with her loss of 3 decades in a "coma" and the fact that while she was absent other alters were making life choices for her. She was an ordinary teenage girl who one night went to sleep and when she woke again she found herself a passenger in the mind of a middle aged woman with a husband and children, all strangers to her. I lost those decades even though I lived them. Fusion is a gain yet does not undo the loss. And now that Alter 5 has fused her feelings are my feelings, and they too are painful. Excruciating. The way out of such painful paradox seems to be to contain all of it. Her longing for her man is my longing. My doubts about him are her doubts.

Years ago my husband and I saw the movie Being John Malkovitch and at the time I said that for some strange reason I identified very strongly with the John Malkovitch character. Little did I know what that meant! This year I saw the movie again and now I identify at once with several of the characters.

Patience, it seems to me that whether your guy has DID or not makes no real difference. DID or not, he is acting out his internal conflicts rather than working through them. If he comes back again you might consider not taking him back unless he commits to psychotherapy. Good luck.

Most of his insiders are not aware the others exist. At least the ones I've spoken to. I can't vouch for anyone I haven't met. His ISH knows, and was receptive and interested in therapy when I brought it up.

I talked to him recently and suggested and encouraged him seeing someone (as he professes to be lost and confused) and right now says he is not interested (it's on his to-do list he says), of course the one out now, not knowing there are others, just thinks he has some "issues." I asked him to put it at the top of his list, not for me, not for anyone other than himself as this would ultimately give him the control to make his own decisions for himself, instead of letting this control him.

I have always accepted as long as I knew about the DID that others would want to do other things. I encouraged him to do what made him happy, to try things he though he would like, and to try to reach his goals. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, if I was too lax...what I do know, is that he came to really trust me (all on his own)...I have a million things swimming in my head now. What I do know is that I got on so well with most of them, I mistakenly assumed that he would come back and that I could lead him to help.

Along with my sadness, I feel like a failure in that aspect.

I think you re being strong and brave frankly, I don t think you failed.

I can t shed light on the situation but did want you to know I m readin and hearin you.

Stay strong.

Much love

Nina11

This is one of the best threads I've read in a long time.

Johnny-Jack: We so appreciated your post here. I definitely relate to thinking that as my alters aged or became more active they would graviatet towards the life we do have. But our life is more my life than theirs and as such cannot possibly be the sum life of all of us. We are trying hard to work at finding a life that works for all of our individual and collective wants and needs. It's a difficult but important job.

Una+: Wonderful post and I felt several insiders stirr up as I read.

My system has achieved several fusions, and although I often describe the fusions as the alters fusing into me, as if submitting to my authority as host, I feel that in order for this to happen the alter who had to change the most was me.

Absolutely resonates within us.

I lost those decades even though I lived them. Fusion is a gain yet does not undo the loss. And now that Alter 5 has fused her feelings are my feelings, and they too are painful. Excruciating. The way out of such painful paradox seems to be to contain all of it. Her longing for her man is my longing. My doubts about him are her doubts.

I think this is so so important to remember. So true.

Thank you both. You both made a big difference for my insiders today.