Really embarrassing question and TW

Trigger warning before anybody reads

So, recently I started doing some research on amnesia and sexual abuse. Father stuff. And I came across some pretty graphic incest stories online. And then I found myself unbelievably aroused. Like something I've never experienced anything even close to. I have no memories of anything ever happening to me, and my physiological response makes me feel like the biggest, most disgusting, most reprehensible sloth on earth. I feel like no matter what kind of progress I've made, or how much I deal with my past and other issues, nothing matters. If I am aroused by such horrid material then what is the point? My shame is beyond belief, and I guess I just wonder if anybody else has ever experienced anything similar? If only one person says yes then maybe, just maybe, I won't feel like I deserve to be burned at the stake. Or, maybe nobody has. And maybe with what many of you have experienced you will agree that I am a freak. Either way, I appreciate your comments.

I am sure that if the truth were known, what you've experienced is a highly common experience amongst men and maybe some women too. Its just arousal. You can't help what arouses you. You don't have to act on it. You don't have to feed the fantasies either. Just let them go. You are not a bad person because you've got aroused at some awful stuff. Just don't get into a habit of keeping looking at the disturbing stuff - because it can become a habit. Stick with wholesome stuff.

If you want to know something really important about amnesia and sexual abuse, listen to this podcast.

http://secularbuddhism.org/2011/09/02/episode-80-dr-elizabeth-loftus-false-memory-creation/ Ignore the stuff about meditation if it doesn't interest. This talk is about the credible science disproving repressed memory stuff. Its important.

Dear Boopsy;
This is so very common among abuse survivors. There have been several threads just like yours in the time I've been here: desperate and shameful posts that bare something similar to a confession. But it's not your fault and you have done nothing wrong. You are trained as a child to be aroused by what is happening (in some way) and that gets translated. Also, sometimes a need to be in control of the situation can make one feel aroused at such texts because you can place yourself either as the victim (which in the past meant forced arousal) or the perpetrator (of course only to a degree but would provide sexual control of yourself). Neither of these are healthy, of course not, but they are natural and normal and the only person to have done something wrong is the person who have hurt you.

You have experienced something many, many people have. You are not alone.

http://secularbuddhism.org/2011/09/02/episode-80-dr-elizabeth-loftus-false-memory-creation/ Ignore the stuff about meditation if it doesn't interest. This talk is about the credible science disproving repressed memory stuff. Its important.

I don't know what to say except Elizabeth Loftus' work is highly controversial here. Read with caution, please.

Boopsy; I found a link:
dissociative-identity/topic91802.html

I'm thinking of you.

Yes we do and nobody in real life knows this about us. Yes It's shameful but also a major hint imo.

No details on what or how I found it because its embarrassing and disgusting to think i felt like that but yes i have done something like it before

This I have done. As I am I have been unfettered by shame. It is a reflection, and no other.
Magdella a'Lilit

boopsy26 wrote:And then I found myself unbelievably aroused. Like something I've never experienced anything even close to.

Situation normal, absolutely normal, for a survivor. You located a big trigger, and by touching it you gave yourself a big jolt of juice from a region of the brain that humans and all other mammals share with reptiles.

All humans are wired exactly the same way, and many many many of us are walking around with such triggers that have been installed in us by offenders in our childhood. Sexual predators know this and exploit this in us. All they have to do is go into a bar or walk down the street attempting to touch a particular trigger in everyone they meet. People without that particular trigger just look at the predator with disgust or bewilderment but someone who has that trigger installed (and is not aware of it) is likely to give the predator the response the predator is looking for.

It is awful to discover this stuff in yourself, but on the other hand there is safety in knowledge. And once you find a trigger, you can dismantle it or take control of it so that it can be activated only as you choose. You may eventually be able to use it to, ahem, experience mind blowing fabulously good sex.

I guess its natural to not like someone like Elizabeth Loftus if it goes against what you wish to believe. But i accept that i'm not going to persuade anyone here.

But i ask you, if you can't actually even remember being sexually abused, what is there to gain by believing that you have been. You are bound to start behaving as a victim and living as a victim. If you identify as a victim and make it the basis of who you are, you are just setting yourself up for a life of self-delusion and a whole lot of resulting social problems.

On the other hand if you accept that its just your mind playing tricks you, you are then able to tackle the actual problem right on the table and will probably resolve it much faster and not end up with a disturbed view of who you are.

The mind does play tricks on us. It does a lot of weird stuff and i think for all of us with mental health concerns, learning about neuroscience is a good idea.

There's so much woo woo out there in the world and it is frustrating to see so many people deluding themselves and wasting so much time and money on stuff that doesn't actually help.

-- Mon Apr 29, 2013 3:40 pm --

[url]All humans are wired exactly the same way,[/url]

This is not correct. Have a listen to a podcast with the words - orchids dandelions - in its title using google and also put in radio national.

Its a talk about how we are not wired in exactly the same way at all. Its even much more complicated than i realised until i heard this talk. I think its helpful for everyone hear to listen to.

fiftysix: I would rather this discussion not continue on this thread.

edited out unnecessary content to better express our view.
I apologize - boopsy (and Una+) - that it seemed like I was trying to continue a discussion I was just, awkwardly, trying to end.

On the topic at hand:

It is a reflection, and no other.

I very much agree with this. We often times will experience arousal during flashbacks and/or thoughts of our own abuse and always felt immense shame from it. In the end it's just a reflection though, it's trained.

I hope you're able to work with a T to lessen the shame because it is not your shame to carry. Best of luck.

This thread is about a very personal subjective experience someone is having. Fiftysix and Lifelongthing, please do not contaminate it with an intellectual debate.