Really embarrassing question and TW

Thank you to those who responded and shared a little of your own experience. Yes, this is obviously a very personal subject and one that is not easily shared. I can "know" that this is "normal" for somebody who may have possibly experienced something abusive as a child, and I can "know" that it's just my body and not my fault, but in the end that means nothing when shame and guilt are as strong as they are. It DOES help to hear others say they've experienced something similar, so thank you

I also always enjoy a good intellectual debate... However, a debate is only enjoyable and intellectual when all parties actually know what they are talking about. With all due respect, Fiftysix you do not. Elizabeth Loftus and the False Memory Syndrome was shown to be hogwash well over 10 years ago. Neuroscience as well as prospective and restrospective studies have all shown time and again for dissociated memories and recall of amnestic trauma to be not only true, but fairly common. Trauma is often stored implicitly and never registers on an explicit (i.e., conscious) level...until it does. Neuroscience and studies on memory have proven this more than enough times. People like Loftus are in denial (and she is- she has spoken about her own abuse history that she denies) and only serve to perpetuate the invalidation of millions of people. And, I take great insult to the insinuation that just because I suspect that there may be some truth to what my body (in many other ways besides just this) is telling me that somehow I am accepting and fulfilling some BS victim role. Lifelongthing and others who read this crap are more than welcome to comment in response to that because it is horrid rhetoric that has no place on this forum.

because fiftysix, if they dont explore the root of such feelings, people might turn into abusers if they think they become aroused from watching abuse.
sorry but had to respond. will leave it at that. feel free to delete if this doesnt belong here etc..

I understand the shame you feel. I wanted horrible sexual things to be done to me, and I just thought it was my sexual identity until I was ready for the memories and found out what it was really all about. That I was programmed to feel that way and it wasn't my fault. It's very difficult to stop feeling the shame but I know that I didn't choose those things to happen to me and I didn't choose the way I feel. I don't want to have those thoughts or act on them, and I don't have to because I'm not a victim thanks to my awareness, I have the chance to find out what I really want instead of act out what was done to me when I too young to know it was wrong. You're not alone and there's nothing wrong with you!

Not the same trigger but the same effect.
Not a happy place, that much is for sure, though one of us seems to enjoy thoroughly. Which doesn't exactly feel like a plus

Una's response sums it up so well

Una+ wrote:All humans are wired exactly the same way, and many many many of us are walking around with such triggers that have been installed in us by offenders in our childhood. Sexual predators know this and exploit this in us. All they have to do is go into a bar or walk down the street attempting to touch a particular trigger in everyone they meet. People without that particular trigger just look at the predator with disgust or bewilderment but someone who has that trigger installed (and is not aware of it) is likely to give the predator the response the predator is looking for.