alternative system structure - 'living masks'? / *rant*

Something I've always wondered, but I think I'd better just put it in a thread right now. (edit: skip to the black text in the middle for the real question... what *I* wanted to write ...)

The strange thing is, I'm not currently out. I'm not in control. Or am I? Who's typing this?
Anyway, I'm here? I'm typing? Just see me doing things... ??? Who are you ? I'm always here! I'm writing this! you just don't kno wit. But...
no but. I'm here. And all are here. -fire? yes I'm fire. No I am. ???
This is getting confusing...
...
just say
I don't know....
don't have to hide
I'm...
it's ok
I don't know...
I'm not ....
I't sok.
...
is' ok.
don't have now...
...
may I join?
*sigh* denial creeping near...
No I'm here, so as ... all are
ok, ok, yes.
is' ok
I'm also here. In case you wonder. And yes, I speell well enough. See, better than fire.
no! *sigh*

to summarize, (still not in control, really), (please, maybe not interrupt this time? Thanks!) I feel like there are different parts for different things to do, but every time, they can talk on their own, but it feels like me (blending? co-con?) and whenever it gets personal, I don't take over, but I ... rather, 'talk through' I guess. Maybe heavily blended/co-con/whatever.
Anyone having something similar? Being like a host, but almost never really in control, (almost?) always in the background, and parts that don't really know who they are and a host that talks through whenever things get personal. And I suspect some are still clueless as to what's going on.
Seems quite different from the stereotype 'one host who handles daily life, multiple other parts who handle specific situations or keep memories'. Least that's what I/we often read about.
Just trying to understand.
Think that's what I wanted to write.
fine. Kept my mouth shut.
you don't even have a mouth. You're typing.
whatever.
my point was, and I say this now, *sigh* block
pain...
can't write to ... music interrupted, cant' write due to ... block? I guess?
Hey, why are you now talking English? Just realized?
:oops: don't know...
she's not the same as she's previously.
Im' not pretending! I'm fire!
yeah, that' s what you 're saying.
*sigh* get allways in that discussion..
How many twins? many. I hope...
why hope? don't know. Feels good.
Are YOU the one constantly wanting this thing?
yes... woh other?
Anway, apparently I have twins ??
can you describe, what you wanted to write?
...
no apparently not.
draw?
wait a moment... is the English language the blocker?
yes...
then I'll translate... or someone at least...
(tran.) Maybe... not here?
yes, is OK
** trigger warning ** difficult getting away... fecing the deminns inside... demons im ean .. ** end **

(didn't went too well, drawing/writing on paper, didn't get much out of the system, except for possibly knowing the green text keeps some possible trauma/abuse memory as well...)

~host/'talker'/'pretending to be one'/'appearing normal part'
fire
water
~San
no don't forget me! I don't know... ('I-dont-know')

sounds like a system that has constant co-consciousness and/or co-hosting going on.

many time alters "talk through", "act through", etc., through whoever's fronting or the host. alters talk and act through me just as they've done with cassandra, and i've talked and acted through cassandra before.


it seems to me that your system prefers to "talk/act" through you, the host, instead of actually switching, and that's perfectly fine. everyone and every system is different.


we have experiences time periods of constant co-consciousness and/or co-hosting before. and before we were ok with being ourselves and letting ourselves be known, we almost never ever switched, instead we "acted/spoke through" cassandra. so actually, what you're describing is almost exactly like what cassandra experienced and had before we started becoming more ok with ourselves, and ok with being oursevles and letting ourselves be known.


and, with DID, there is no "normal", and there really shouldn't be "typical" or "stereotypes" either. everyone is different, every system is different, and no one "fits perfectly" into the "DID box".


- cassie (age ?)

tomboy24 wrote:many time alters "talk through", "act through", etc., through whoever's fronting or the host. alters talk and act through me just as they've done with cassandra, and i've talked and acted through cassandra before.

It seems to be the other way round, I'm talking through others... I think.

Sometimes, I've been called the host. Maybe 'host' in the sense of being the one to make all appear normal? Like, I'm the 'main' (yes, yes, I know...) part, that's like the smokescreen, like the one that talks through whenever things get personal (hence why I'm here writing). That there is no 'host' in the sense of being the main one out, but as in the part that keeps everything seem normal. (sorry, repeating, tired.)

tomboy24 wrote:and, with DID, there is no "normal", and there really shouldn't be "typical" or "stereotypes" either. everyone is different, every system is different, and no one "fits perfectly" into the "DID box".

I called it stereotype because no one is exactly like that Just as an example of what is common. Everyone is different, yes, but there are similarities.

oaktree wrote:Sometimes, I've been called the host. Maybe 'host' in the sense of being the one to make all appear normal? Like, I'm the 'main' (yes, yes, I know...) part, that's like the smokescreen, like the one that talks through whenever things get personal (hence why I'm here writing). That there is no 'host' in the sense of being the main one out, but as in the part that keeps everything seem normal. (sorry, repeating, tired.)

You are definitely not alone here. I could hardly say I'm the real host anymore. I feel like I'm hardly here, like I'm just Facade or something. There's everyone talking through everyone here.
I don't think we have a real host anymore. Janus keeps us stable and steady (I think she's kind of "reattached" to me. Not integrated but is like... how she was before she was aware. Like. She's always there but it's like two sheets of paper a little bit. Sometimes they can get stuck together and you don't realize it, but there are still two pieces of paper there.) Eric's always there just because, Maria's around a lot, especially on the forums "Oh my poor baby! " is something I hear from her a lot on here. Clara's been up here a lot recently.
Really I'm just here as the facade or, like you said, the smokescreen or the normalcy keeper.

I don't think any of what I said made any sense or helped at all but it might have. I have no idea what's happening right now, to be honest. I was meditating and then I finished and now I'm closer to Eric and met a new and scary being.
I'll stop rambling.
Sorry.

I dislike names. None of them fit.
G(? or Facade? Or Constance? Arrgh)

i don't have the time to say all that i want, but "host" is only a term to describe/designate the alter/part that's out/in control of the body for most of the time, the alter/part that handles everyday life/stuff, the alter/part that basically keeps up the appearance of normality. it is not an identity, it is more like a title, just like you have alters that are called "protector alters" because they protect. "host" is just the title for whoever is out most of the time, handling everyday life stuff most of the time, and keeping up the appearance of normality if needed/wanted. that's it. beyond that title is just another alter, another part, whoever that may be.


so for example, Gabrielle, under AliasForAFew, you might be the host, but that's not all you are. that's just your title right now, that's just the "job" you have right now, that's just the "role" you play/have right now. that's all. it can change, just as needs can change. you, however, are still there, you still exist, you're still a part, you're still real, you're not just a facade or anything.


same with you, oaktree. you are real, you have your own voice, your own opinions, even if you're the one that seems to "speak through" the others, you're still there. you may be the host in the sense that you're the part that helps keep up the appearance of normality and such. you're not just a facade or a mask or anything, you're a part as well, but you're not just the host. that's just the role you may have right now.


(i feel like i'm doing a horrible job at trying to say what i wanted to say...)


basically, if you're typing here right now, and have your own voice, opinions, thoughts, etc., (though it might feel like you don't at times), you're a part, an alter/fragment, a piece of the puzzle, you exist. no matter if someone's talking through you or you're talking through them.

if it was more like a "normality mask" that everyone took on, or a "normality facade", that's exactly all that it would be. a mask or a facade. it wouldn't have it's own voice, own thoughts, own opinions, etc. it would simply be the parts/alters acting "normal", filtering themselves, pretending to be normal. it wouldn't type on here or anything. and it's not a host.


so even if you're a part that is supposed to help keep up the appearance of normality or something, you're still a part, you still exist, you're still real, and there's more beyond what "role" you play and such. and you possibly also have the "title"/"role" of being the host.





- cassie (age ?)

I'm certainly there. I'm certainly someone. (Whatever that may be... dissociative-identity/topic110151.html) I agree, Cassie.

I think I'll just ask it here.
Whoever are usually out, they don't seem to have much of a personality - I mean, identity. Maybe they're a bit like Blank? They're outside, handling daily life, but not able to answer whenever they're asked something personal ('how do you feel?') They just go blank. I've had it today. Was more separated than usual. Whoever was out, think I was -idk just couldn't answer to 'are you able to do that?' (calling someone). Eh, maybe that's it. I'm typing here. I don't know. Im' blank. -idk? It would make sense, though. If they hide their own identity, it's easier to have such a system. Otherwise they'd rather fill in for themselves, I would think.
Does any of this make any sense? Anyone having something similar?

(guessed some colors, due to high co-consciousness)

duh, why didn't i think about blank? she's a perfect example for what's being described here!

if blank was a host, or even just fronting/out more often, and had the knowledge about the need/necessity to keep up the "appearance of normality", this is what it would be like, i think. with her just there, trying to seem/be as normal as possible, with either others speaking/acting through her or her speaking/acting through others to stick with that one goal- to appear "normal", and then otherwise being, well, blank.


i dunno if had more to say, but if i did, i just lost it.


but it does make sense. and while we might not have something similar going on all the time, we have experienced some of these exact things you're describing.


- cassie (age ?)

In that case... (as I think it's quite likely), it doesn't make much sense to constantly ask who they are! Because that's the exact thing they're missing! Knowing who they are.

Anyway, thank you

you're welcome! i'm glad i could be of help.

maybe instead of asking who they are, you could ask questions that can help both of you find who they are? like maybe you could pull up a picture of a rainbow or something and ask, "which color do you like best?", or if they're really like blank, you'd probably be better off asking a question like, "which color do you look at the most?" (because that usually indicates a liking for it).


or maybe you could ask them to start writing or something, even if they only write the word "blank" or a period down or something. because i know with blank's thread, a couple times she ended up asking a question, or saying something without being prompted to, so it could help to just get them used to communicating in general, even if they usually only use the word "blank" or something. you could ask them to use a word like that if they don't have anything to say, too, just so they get used to responding in general. or something. just ideas if you're interested.


- cassie (age ?)