DID x DID = aaaarrrgh! *trigger warning SH*

Oh dear. I probably should have known better, but here we go again...

As I’ve posted here before, I have an ex who I suspected is also multiple (he was the reason I found out about my DID). After long debates in my system we decided to get in touch with him and check in, and to my surprise he seems to have come round accepting his own multiplicity a lot more – or at least a large part of his system has. I had a conversation with some of his alters (the faction we’d consider our allies) and they were very candid about their state of affairs and eager to learn how we organise. We were all very optimistic about the whole thing and thought, maybe out two crews could help each other out.

However, things aren’t that easy apparently. I have to say to that that his system has a much higher level of violence/abuse going than us, both inside and out. Even though none of them have ever explicitly been violent against us, we have heard stories of things they have done and some of our alters are very aware of what lurks in there apart from our friends.

Yesterday we went to meet them in a public space, which was a consensual decision of the known alters in our system. Even before we got there, I could feel that someone was trying to physically block me from going, but no one I am in contact with knew who it was. When we met my ex, things just got worse. As the host, I was literally flooded with feelings of despair, self-hatred, rejection and hopelessness, followed by images of self-harm and even s***ide (I am not at any risk of acting on these things, but I could feel them very keenly).

Eventually I just had to leave, because I could hardly stand on my feet from pushing down these emotions – as soon as I was in a taxi, they disappeared. Now they pop up every time I think of getting in touch with my ex again, but otherwise whoever has them does not communicate or say what the problem is.

I think that possibly a trauma part we have not yet established communication with is telling us that my ex is unsafe (all of last night I felt about him like he was our original abuser, and had images of him r*ping and battering people, even though he has never hurt me). This part feels that my ex is a hopeless case, that he is too damaged to ever heal and that therefore we should stay away from them, because they will inevitably drag us down with them.

This now puts us in a dilemma: the more-together ones of us want to help them, especially if they’re just uncovering DID and be (non-sexual) friends with them. But someone here is strongly against that and will block any attempt to do so. Some of us have extremely strong attachments to some of them (and vice versa) and do not want to abandon them, while others don’t want to go anywhere near them. And to make matters more complicated, I assume their system is equally divided.

Thoughts, anyone?

Ruby

Addendum (plus new TW): took a nap this afternoon, during which I had a lucid dream which I think came from this alter (the one that's blocking me). The dream would be too long to describe, but in essence I think its meaning was:

The abuser/predator part in my exe's system has clocked onto the fact we're trying to help them and is not liking it one bit, because it undermines his power. In the dream, he tried to punish us by being s*xually abusive and publicly humiliating us. This is by no means an unlikely scenario...

Ruby

I am in a very similar situation with someone, and I have basically two thoughts about this.

1. The feeling of terror and despair. It could be a newly awakened alter who needs some trauma work and time awake to heal. Nothing to do with your ex. Or it could be an alter who previously switched out to receive abuse from your ex while the rest of your system lost time. In that case the bad feelings have everything to do with your ex.

2. The wanting to rescue him. I think the best thing you can do for him is to be open about yourself, cognitively, but do not get involved with him. Communicate only on the matter-of-fact level of "I am a multiple and I think so are you. I am getting help from a competent psychotherapist and a great peer support group and I am doing really well. I hope you get help too. Thanks for touching base with me. Bye."

I think, if there is any possibility of any physical, metal, or emotional harm, it would be best for the whole system if no one was subjected to that.
If you feel later that you and every one else is completely ready, then you should try again to get in touch. But only if there is a benefit.
You asked for thoughts, and this is mine.
I hope this at least provides a different point of view, or even better, some help.

I am in a very similar situation with someone, and I have basically two thoughts about this.

Una+, I’ve been following your posts and I do think our situations have a lot in common – I did not get that the guy who triggered you had DID as well tho? (sorry if that is too personal). I did think reading your story, well, we don’t have a husband/SO we intend to keep, so our situation is a bit different. But I can totally relate to what you wrote about one of your alters being attached to the other guy, we have several of those…

1. The feeling of terror and despair. It could be a newly awakened alter who needs some trauma work and time awake to heal. Nothing to do with your ex. Or it could be an alter who previously switched out to receive abuse from your ex while the rest of your system lost time. In that case the bad feelings have everything to do with your ex.

I think it is a bit of both. For large parts of the meeting my ex (who I usually hyper-focus on) felt like a total stranger to me and I had to constantly remind myself that I actually know this guy. So I think, maybe this alter does not know him and is freaked out by his vibe.
On the other hand, the first time I ever felt this alter was around him, so I do think he triggers him/her in some way. A lot of my alters are way more perceptive than I am and can spot a predator miles off, and there definitely is one in that system. We’ve seen glimpses of him, just before the others could push him back down (as some of them are trying to protect us).
Then again, I have yet to meet a DID system that does not have an inner abuser of sorts (we have one, but he is on our side now). The question is, how good do they have him under control?

2. The wanting to rescue him. I think the best thing you can do for him is to be open about yourself, cognitively, but do not get involved with him. Communicate only on the matter-of-fact level of "I am a multiple and I think so are you. I am getting help from a competent psychotherapist and a great peer support group and I am doing really well. I hope you get help too. Thanks for touching base with me. Bye."

If only that was the truth. We cannot afford a T at the moment, so we’re blundering along on our own – but if more of these trauma parts turn up we’ll have to get one at some point.

I think, if there is any possibility of any physical, metal, or emotional harm, it would be best for the whole system if no one was subjected to that.
If you feel later that you and every one else is completely ready, then you should try again to get in touch. But only if there is a benefit.
You asked for thoughts, and this is mine.
I hope this at least provides a different point of view, or even better, some help.

Ah, the voice of reason…you are right of course, but even as I’m typing this I can sense a small inner uprising against the idea of abandoning them. We have here, in no particular order:

A protector who is trained to protect little boys (our brother, originally) and who will fight tooth and claw for the littles in my ex’s system

A crazy-ass general, who sees this as some kind of “saving private ryan” scenario and wants to have it out with their inner abuser

Gabriel and his “alters of the world, unite” agenda

At least two alters who are in love with two very specific alters in my ex’s system

At least one little who is attached to him and suffers massive abandonment trauma every time I turn my back on him

Last but not least me, I’m a social worker in RL, sez it all really…("won't somebody please think of the children...")

Ruby

i wasn't able to read all of the posts, so i'm sorry, but i know that in the end, you hafta do what's best for you and your health, mental and physical. if something's going to be too triggering for you, or stressful for you at the time, or something like that, you gotta put yourself first, because you're not going to be able to help them that good if you're making yourself unstable and keeping yourself unhealthy and stuff like that. and at that point you're only hurting yourself and possibly not helping them as much or as good as you wanted to anyways. sometimes you hafta go with what's logical and not what your emotions say even when it's really really hard to do (rain taught me that but i know sometimes i don't follow it cuz it can be so hard to do ).


- cassie (age ?)

Tomboy24 is right, sometimes you have to drop your feelings and do whats best for you, I know its hard, its hard for me too, but its what we have to do sometimes. But in the end you have to take a step back sometimes and know that you cant save everyone. And that some times in order to save them, you have to save yourself first.

The good of the few and the good of the many.
-Ace

Not every one can be saved. Though trying makes you stronger to a point, at some point it becomes more damaging to the overworked muscle.

HI all,

Thanks for your replies. It seems our new alter has been out a lot in the last few days and her negative feelings still linger, regardless of the situation.

One thing we’ve been able to establish is that she gets triggered by my ex because his system is very similar to that of our primary abuser. As in so many cases, I have always had several different images of this person in my head, one loving and kind and one cruel and abusive. I always thought the problem was in my head, that I just could not reconcile the two sides of him that were really one person. Then I realised at some point, actually they are not – actually he is just as divided as I am. Both sides of him are real and disconnected.

The new alter (as of yet nameless) carries the experience of the “good” guy abandoning us to be replaced with the “bad” guy. She knows we always hoped “good guy” would return to us, and sometimes he did – only then for “bad guy” to emerge again and smash all our hope.

This constant rollercoaster of hope and disappointment was almost worse for us than if he had always been abusive. I think now she senses that we might be getting into a similar dynamic and wants to spare us the pain by not even letting hope take hold. I have realised in the last few days she does this with everyone who is friendly to us, she tries to warn us that this person might turn on us any minute and we should not ever feel safe with anyone.

I think my ex triggers her like crazy because his “psychic signature” is so familiar, even though she does not know him personally.

Not sure what we’re going to do with that. We had a really good weekend with some friends who made us feel appreciated and loved, but she would not trust any of it. Maybe she just needs more time and positive experiences.

Good experiences sounds good. It takes time for any one to trust those good experiences though.