DID x DID = aaaarrrgh! *trigger warning SH*

tribeofone wrote:One thing we’ve been able to establish is that she gets triggered by my ex because his system is very similar to that of our primary abuser.

This is a very common experience and typically it has a large element of illusion. That is, the person who triggers you is not actually all that similar to the original person, just similar enough to be a trigger. This happens not just in multiples, in one or more of our alters, but in everyone. It is the foundation of the psychological phenomena transference and projection.

Wikipedia: Transference
Wikipedia: Psychological projection

I believe (when I don't invalidate it to escape the pain of what other parts hold) I am DID, have been diagnosed with it and had it kind of informally confirmed.

H is probably at least DDNOS himself, if not DID with a smaller system or else one in deep hiding. He actually has more complete amnesia than I do (either my episodes are smaller or I leave less evidence, because it is mostly in therapy right now unless badly triggered, but I still do lose time elsewhere on occasion).

H is the unfortunate recipient of a lot of mom-transference from me and CSA-abuser (non-familial) transference from kids, because of his condition replicating their experience. In truth, he is only marginally like either of those people, but we are trained to look for and avoid or protect ourself from certain people and so have created "alarms" around certain mostly common behaviors that makes even safe relationships (e.g. with T) very challenging to engage in, and anything that is slightly unsafe (e.g. my H's condition, or a certain amount of temper, entitlement, etc.) cause an immediate detachment/avoidant response for protection.

I guess I'm saying I agree with Una here, that for abused parts, it doesn't take much similarity to constitute a warning sign. Example: Something as simple as perceiving ambivalence from my T on a particular issue made it completely off-limits for me to talk to him about or let him talk about without becoming destabilized and destructive, because my parents could not deal with internal conflict and it often led to emotional abuse and abandonment, and if I believe very little parts, sometimes worse. So, even though my T has proven to be 100% safe ALL of the time, it is still possible for us to feel unsafe with him, because of a trigger.

Una+ and yakusoku, I think you are both right. Our other protector, the General, used to be like this - someone would just look at us funny and she wanted to stab them. She has become a lot more chilled since she's joined up with our collective tho.

This one seems to have an entirely different agenda. Instead of being aggressive against others, she is aggressive towards US. It seems she thinks that if she makes me feel sufficiently $#%^ about myself I'll just stay away from other people and cannot be hurt. I'm not even sure if that transference thing was even real or just an excuse to lay into me...so much for poor trauma part. Abuser introject, more like.

I'm well pissed off at her to be honest. Ok, so she is misguidedly trying to protect - but essentially what she does is blocking me from feeling good about anyone, including myself. Whenever someone says something nice to me, she will just - somehow swallow the positive feeling I have in response. So here's me wondering for years why I just cannot take a compliment or believe when someone says they like me. At the same time, she does not even wait for a "threat", she just tells me no one could possibly like me, so its all lies and THAT is why the other person is unsafe.

Bitch!

Ruby wrote:

Una wrote:I am in a very similar situation with someone, and I have basically two thoughts about this.

[...] I did think reading your story, well, we don’t have a husband/SO we intend to keep, so our situation is a bit different. But I can totally relate to what you wrote about one of your alters being attached to the other guy, we have several of those…

Not all that different. Even before I (collectively) became aware of being a multiple I was aware of and accepted my potential to form those "extra" attachments. I intend to keep my husband and welcome selected others into my life. So various parts of me want this other guy, in various ways. That by itself is not a problem for me. Unfortunately, like you with your ex, I don't know that this other guy is a safe person for me.

Ruby wrote:For large parts of the meeting my ex (who I usually hyper-focus on) felt like a total stranger to me and I had to constantly remind myself that I actually know this guy.

Could this feeling be due not (or not so much) to your identity alteration, but to his?

Could this feeling be due not (or not so much) to your identity alteration, but to his?

That is entirely possible - there was a side narrative going on there that could account for him switching. Unfortunately I was in no state to be able to tell if it was me or him - possibly it was both.

Mkay, so long time no update here because I was stuck inside while genius boy planned the revolution.

But yeah, we met up with them again and spent two days with them, which was amazing. It is hard for our systems to stay in touch at the mo, because some things in both our systems want to keep us apart (denial and/or self-destructive mechanisms or simply alters who are scared they might get stuck in a relationship that is not theirs - not sure), but once we are actually alone together the good parts come out.

*TW*
I have also discovered that we have an alter who will not accept letting go of them in a romantic way (this girl threatened suicide last week until we finally listened to her). this to be fair is a rather precarious situation, especially because I personally honestly don't get it - but we might have to negotiate some kind of deal with them before that silly girl seriously harms herself (i.e. us).
*TW/end*


It doesn't help that her boy in the other system is not precisely a pro in fronting - he only comes out moments at a time, usually to get in touch with us, and then the others stuff him back inside. We really need to find out what the issue is on their end. But re Una+ last question, we know now what caused their switch that night (lets say the third system we got floating about here now has something to do with it).

getting hold of them at the mo is like herding cats - I think its possible their host is pulling the last of his strength together to prevent full emergence (poor sod, I know how he feels). I think it is also possible that they know they will not able to stay hidden/in denial around us for long and that they will have to confront their issues, and that they're terrified of that. Well, we'll negotiate and see...

happy days!

Oh? There are three people involved now who are (or likely are) multiples? That would get confusing.

Have you read the Matt Ruff novel about DID, Set This House In Order? There is one wonderfully surreal and utterly typical scene in which two multiples get caught in a cycle of "revolving door" rapid switching, each switch by one causing the other to switch. Round and round they go.

The rest of this post is addressed to all parts. Everyone please listen up.

Please don't ever let a part use threats of suicide or self harming to control you. Instead, plan with the other parts to overpower this part in the event there is any attempt. Has your system written a suicide prevention plan? If not, that might be worth doing ASAP.

Also, please listen to any part who wants to be heard, long before they ever get so upset that they resort to making threats. Listening does not mean agreeing or accepting. It just means listening.

Oh? There are three people involved now who are (or likely are) multiples? That would get confusing.

hell yeah, it does. Gabriel is having a field day with this, he does nothing but figure out the various dynamics of who does what with who. good thing he's a social scientist...

Please don't ever let a part use threats of suicide or self harming to control you. Instead, plan with the other parts to overpower this part in the event there is any attempt. Has your system written a suicide prevention plan? If not, that might be worth doing ASAP.

I totally agree, I'm a bit miffed to be honest that this girl is trying to blackmail us...but then again, we know where this comes from, so it is not only related to the situation but rather that the situation triggers her because of her past experience.

At the moment, there is absolutely no way she will get out to put any of that into practice. We've been talking to her and promised that we'll do what we can to help her out but she has to stop flooding us with her issues (she's not doing it on purpose but still). If we felt we were losing control we'd check ourselves in ASAP but so far we have several strong alters who can shut her down if need be. System 3 (the new lot) also know what's going on so in an emergency we can contact them.

Still, it has freaked me out a bit to even feel what she is feeling that strongly. I guess to some degree this is my fault as well, because I frankly find it ridiculous to get that worked up over a man...but yeah, I guess we'll have to take her perspective on board if it's that serious.

tribeofone wrote:I guess to some degree this is my fault as well, because I frankly find it ridiculous to get that worked up over a man...but yeah, I guess we'll have to take her perspective on board if it's that serious.

I can totally relate, from both points of view: yours and hers. In fact, in my system there are at least 4 very different points of view on our own "other man" situation. My goal is to keep us all in check and in balance so no one is blowing up, acting out, or otherwise doing anything that seems likely to be not constructive.

People talk about suicide as the ultamate sacrifice. It isn't. The ultamate sacrifice is killing some one you truely love so save them from an unescapable situation. That was my job. The problem is when they say they care. That just makes it harder.
Just figured I'd give you another veiw on the matter, in case she may relate.
-Alexandr The Great