coping with bad feelings

Then I think I better just speak out the doubts I have about the current state of therapy. As long as he addresses them or at least explains why he does what he does, a lot may be resolved already. It *feels* now like he has power over me, and I can't criticize him. I know that's not true, but that feeling makes it very hard to actually speak about my doubts about how he does therapy. (This is with any person that has any authority.) Hmmm, maybe it would be good to speak about this fear. Would be hard to do, I imagine.
Something to work on.
I don't yet feel able to speak about how he's male and how that doesn't feel well. Maybe because he hasn't yet acknowledged abuse is possible (well, he has, but more like, it might be, but there's also this [...] explanation for the feelings). Which doesn't exactly encourage me to speak about it.

Now he wants me to do something that feels a bit like re-traumatizing. Not really, but just a feeling I'm forced to do something I don't want to etc. I think I'll just say it that way. That it *feels* like he forces me to.

Michiru, you say some interesting things. Indeed, maybe it's better to start with something small. Then go from there.
The safe place - maybe I've 'found' something (an imaginary place - or not really, after all? - I once saw in meditation). Things seem to be a bit more stable there. Maybe it's the moment I start daydreaming (?) that everything starts to float. (And this happens quite easily, when trying to imagine things.)

I think it's important to acknowledge and honour your feelings. It is important, especially because it is difficult and not usual.

I don't know about anyone else, but usually people don't know if I'm freaking out or anything really. Part of it is I'm good at not looking like I'm freaking out. And part of it is that I usually don't even know if I'm freaking out. So how is anyone supposed to know I'm freaking out, you know? And if they don't know I'm freaking out, how can they help? We like to think that Ts can read our minds, and they're experts so it seems like they can sometimes. But they can't read minds, like nobody can.

I also think it's worth keeping in mind that when you undergo therapy, you are basically hiring someone else to help you with your problems. You are the one who deals with your problems everyday. You are the authority on you. But that being said, the feelings we are dealing with don't respond to logic and are pretty deeply rooted in our psyches. Like triggers.

Yes... I know he's there for me, I'm 'paying'* him to do it. Yes, it doesn't really respond to logic. I'd have to really approach it in a new way. I also have a problem with changing when certain people know me one way. So then suddenly standing up for myself / taking control (water? idk.) is hard to do.

I'm also very good at hiding how I really feel. Part of dissociation, I guess (pretending to be OK).
I really agree with what you wrote!

* insurance, really, but still.

I tried the meditation Michiru posted... it did not entirely go as planned. I think I ended up in the inner world. I stopped halfway or so listening because it just hadn't any use anymore.

(long description of what I saw following:)
Thin is, in the meditation, I was supposed to visualize things, but more and more things seemed to be already there. And I couldn't just change them. When walking up the hill (in the meditation), there was no path. That had been at the foot of the hill, but there was no path upwards. Just nature (long grass, with small shrubs etc.) And when I got higher, there was a cave. Not a house. I fell into the cave, couldn't get out, then looked around. A bit dark there. Saw a few things there (couldn't really see what, maybe just rocks, but maybe some dark thing). And then I saw there was an opening at the back, and someone beckoning me. Walking around still feels weird (maybe I have to learn to walk there?). Then I walked through the hall, with lots of transparent doors and then a short while there (everything was fuzzy there) and then I was pushed/pulled back all way out of the mountain, down and back to reality. So I guess that part is still something I am not yet allowed to see.
Makes me interested in looking more into that landscape. Maybe there are interesting things to see there. Maybe people to meet?

But it did calm me down. So that's a plus ;D

I'm glad it calmed you down... I suppose I should have been more clear. That meditation is exactly what we used to get to the inner world. Ours didn't go quite as planned either; it took on a life of its own once we got to the house. (Or maybe we started at the house? I don't remember. I just know there aren't any hills in our inner world... but we fly on rainbows to get there and end up in a room in the house.)

What would happen if you said something? This dude's got authority, right? You go against him, what's he gonna do? Or maybe the more appropriate question is, what do you feel like is gonna happen if you say something? (I'll try to write about our experience with this in the next post if you're interested?)

The other part I think I was trying to write yesterday is, if this guy sucks and isn't helping you, then go find someone else. Given as you have hired him, you can fire him too. And don't feel like it's your fault that T didn't work. Average person takes about five or six Ts before they find one that really works for them (that's average, half is more and half is less-ish, you know?) If you feel like that has a better chance of working than what you currently got going, then do that. ' Cause what are you going in for but to fix your problem?

Nice, that rainbow I haven't got there often enough, but it seems like I'm just suddenly there or something. idk. I have gotten in a certain room before... and just yet, it seemed like I was talking to people inside, with my eyes closed, not allowed to look, but I couldn't resist / couldn't keep my eyes shut and then they put me outside again Well I'll try another time. Room gets more and more detailed. No. I keep seeing more parts so I imagine a more detailed room

(I assume you mean the T?) (quite long, just thinking out loud now. May be skipped.)
Someone inside said something like 'you feel like he's gonna fire you' (dunno who, but fire seems to nod something). And like 'he's not gonna do that'. And when I imagined a bit (hard to do, get easily distracted when imagining things), I felt pain, like with a trigger. Dunno whether it's related.
Now I think about it... yes, I think the fear is being rejected. Of being not believed, or, rather, of that he could push me away for taking too much on myself (meaning, that I take more control in therapy, so to say).
Hmmm. What can I do with it? The fear is very real. I actually think he could get more rejecting. What's the problem, then? That means another T. That means he's not a good T. He shouldn't be able to harm me in any way. He has no real power over me. I have to separate me from him. Just like how I separated myself emotionally from my parents (of which I'm still glad I did). How did I do that? I don't really know. Maybe in arguments, just standing more and more up to myself, seing how they're wrong, seeing how they've got no real authority (anymore) etc. Maybe it's best to do this in small steps. Just like I did one time before. See how he's going to respond. When he takes me seriously, good. No harm done. When he doesn't, that means he's not a good T anyway.
Oh how I'm afraid he's gonna reject me! (?) Was that me? Not entirely. Who? San. You have a color! Yes i have. just lazy. And don't coorect me. I spell fine. (then I'm gonna color. And I happen to think her spelling is horrible when not corrected haha :sigh:).
ANYWAY, that was an important question, Michiru! Thank you!

He is my second T. The first was someone who wasn't even qualified (so insurance won't pay... guess what I choose? And I didn't like her way of doing things. We just didn't get along so well lately. I start rambling. I stop.).

~San
~host

I am (well, not me) usually ending up in a hallway in the inner world. Can you ask why they won't let you see?

I did mean the T. One thing I'd say about this is that I was in T for months. We never got anywhere. The T didn't know where to go, but she never told me that. I wished that she would have told me that - referred me to someone else who could have helped, instead of wasting all that time. (Finally, one of the protectors got mad and ended it. So good on you for circumventing all that!) Part of my problem was that I couldn't see that we weren't going anywhere, much less say something about it. And the problem wasn't that the T was a bad T but just that she didn't know how to help. But if it turns out that your T is a bad T, I would think that it's better to find that out sooner than later.

Maybe I'll try that. Talking is quite hard. Whenever I get there again, inside.

Last session went much better. We finally came to the point ... ** trigger warning ** that sexuality in daily life is not my most important thing at the moment. ** end ** It's important, but probably won't get much better until I've overcome my fear (possibly due to abuse), I think. So he asked what next, and then we got to exactly what this thread started with. Finally. *sigh* He still won't say anything about the possibility of abuse or the existence different parts (the only time a little came into the session he just asked whether "I" could come back. And kept thinking "I" / that part lost contact with reality. Which was not true. It's still not the host who has therapy).

(written not entirely by the host.)