I'm nicer when I'm out front than when I'm inside

This evening Max was out playing, having fun in a child's activity book with pages like "how are these two pictures different?" We're all co-conscious and there's no fogginess. I watch the littles or any of them really out doing things and I feel very close. Now I know we're the same person so every once in a while I try to "move into" an alter or combine or something. Max stopped what he was doing and became uncomfortable, like I was crowding him. I said "Max, we're the same person, you and me." It was like I was trying to bypass the DID and just power us into integration, something like that. He got scared very quickly and was on the verge of tears when I said "no, no, never mind, keep playing." He was back to playing pretty quickly.

I'm looking for the wall between us and I want to climb over it but I realize it's not the right way because it never works. I've done this before and I seem to do things when I'm inside that are ruder and more thoughtless than when I'm out. I don't feel like I'm able to access the fullness of my thinking, which includes the ability to weigh the effect of my actions. I'm more oafish from inside. I know it's me making the decisions, it's me thinking but my choices seem more awkward. When I'm inside, I don't seem to be able to make all the subtle distinctions I do when I'm out. I keep doing this type of forced integration or being close or I might express blunt reactions or emotion that upset the others. They're not usually horrible or cruel, except when I keep ruminating on suicide when a little's out, just thoughtless and not up to the standards of my "regular" self.

Does any of this ring a bell for anybody?

I know I've told you this before, most certainly, but I myself have a certain amount of automaticity when I am inside and they are out. Things that I have more control over when I'm out (like invalidation and denial) are way more of a problem when I'm inside. I've noticed the same of others when they are inside. There is almost a stuckness about being inside, not fully out. We don't see to grow and change, any of us, unless we come out to the surface.

I don't know if this is even related to what you're experiencing, but it does seem that there is less actualization or something...not sure if that is quite the right word...when parts are inside. Whatever role we're used to having inside, we will automatically continue it. Whatever pains or emotions or uncompleted reactions we got stuck in that haven't been worked through while "out," will continue unaddressed. That's why, at least in my case, it's so important they get out, even if we can only do that with T.

I'm always so glad to hear that they are getting out and having time. I hope you give them a lot this weekend, whoever wants it, and especially anybody you want to get to know better. Seeing how they are in the world (or "in the body" as Sphinx would word it) teaches you so much.

hehe. janice here. this does sound familiar. Jen was the first to comment on it with us. she always complains that she cant think inside, and she says that the things people say inside can sound so dumb that she rarely speaks inside anymore, so that she wont say something 'stupid'. thats as far as she got with it, because shes very focused on her self image - im sure thats the only reason she noticed at all. but it got us all noticing. shes rite. its fuzzy, hard to think inside. you do tend to run more on instinct in there than thought.

I can relate - I'm definitely guilty of "experimenting" with various things on the inside without thinking of the consequences for others. I suppose it does come from the idea that "we are all the same person" - if that is so then of course I can be less considerate with myself that with outside people. But then, for all current intents and purposes, we are NOT the same person, at least for the time being, so cannot impose anything on others inside.

Gabriel

I can relate with all the points. I am wondering if it is that when we are on the outside, we are co- with other parts and so we automatically have breadth in our point of view? Whereas inside we remain, as yakusoku said, what we were initially meant to be. For example, K is a real ass on in the inside sometimes but usually not so bad on the out unless there is a breakdown.

this can play a part, yes, but i dont think that explains it in full. because we can find ourselves different on the outside even when no one else is awake with us. i think its just a case of how well we can think through our decisions inside v.s. outside. then if you add to it that you are sharing a consciousness with someone else, that will certainly increase the difference.

Yes we have this problem.

I find that we are "half asleep" and prone to old habits and stuck ways of thinking when we are inside.

Our system cannot heal fully unless we fully wake up the part and let them out so they can work through their stuff.

Our T does not understand this and thinks it is healthier to talk to our parts while they are inside, but very little to nothing gets accomplished, versus the very dramatic change when they are able to work on it outside (fully awake).

Sometimes we will be very angry when on the inside and not understand fully the effect of our actions until we are awake. When we are out we can see the fuller picture and usually apologize for our behavior. In this way we appear to be more terrifying than we are until we actually come out.

For us we need someone to talk to when each part is out. We are destructive if we do not have someone to help us work through our thoughts. I wish our T would understand we need to be out in order to heal.

I don't know if this helps or is relevant, but I try to simply rest/sleep on the inside. I try to find distractions, especially if I know that the body's in good hands (like Hawk's on watch, or Kat's out, or Rain's looking after the fronting littles, or something like that). It's really hard, but the more I find that I just leave them be and trust them, the more they step up to the plate and take an active part in our life instead of just being out to do only what they want to do. And the better they feel, I've noticed, as well. I've noticed that a lot of alters dislike having me watch over them more than they dislike having Kat or someone watch over them, and I think it's because I try too hard to be "normal" all the time, and I'm always worrying about whether or not I should let alters do things, and it's hard for me to give up the controls when I'm up front with anyone. So I've been working on letting go and trusting others to be in control and out front and I try to either sleep inside, or I try to just be anywhere that's not the control room, or I hang out in my bedroom inside and just relax, I try to do anything that keeps me "out of the way" basically. It's hard, but that's why for the most part I either try to sleep or find distractions, like hanging out with other alters inside, or reading in my inside bedroom or something like that. And I've found it helps immensely with everything. Yeah, sure, I lose more time, but there's more cooperation. There's more teamwork. There's more trust and respect everywhere, from everyone. And because of the increased cooperation and teamwork, there's an increase in our memory-sharing and communication, so I rarely feel like I lose time, and only really notice it when a person brings up a memory that wasn't shared in detail with me (we only memory-share the basics and important details until more details are needed, then we help each other out when it's needed).


I've come to slowly realize as a host that I need to set the example. I have to show the others how to trust, how to work as a team, I have to get the ball rolling. It's not always obvious that I'm the one leading them in certain directions, often times all that's needed is that I'm the first one to take the first step, and then the others begin to follow. If I show that I trust an alter, others will begin to trust that alter, and that alter will often step up to the plate and show that they are indeed trustworthy (or at least they can be when they need to be).


Sometimes it's hard for me to stay inside, but not because of control issues. I don't yet know why it's sometimes hard for me to stay inside, but I'll work on that as it comes to light.


Best of luck to everyone struggling with things right now.


-Cassandra

broken_mirror wrote:For us we need someone to talk to when each part is out. We are destructive if we do not have someone to help us work through our thoughts. I wish our T would understand we need to be out in order to heal.

Thanks, broken mirror. This whole thread and especially your comment I quote has helped me explain to myself why our approach, which we chose purely on instinct, seems to be working. From the time I got we were multiple, I started letting others out, encouraging them to take the body when we weren't at work, though not nearly as often as I should have. Whoever is out usually speaks, at least right after they step out front. The audience might be me, all of us, one of us, or a outside person we imagine talking with, like a T or a friend. Each of the littles started out virtually silent but all who can talk begin some talking after a period of time.

This approach has felt right for us. We know the more often the host is not out, the greater the stability and happiness. The more an individual alter is out, even if they're doing absolutely nothing to "process" memories, which we can't access anyway, the less traumatized they become. For the ones out the most time, for example, Jack or Little John or Adam, they just don't seem to get triggered anymore, which is amazing and wonderful. As for the talking, I guess I figured out how I could help us help each other to some extent, because I've read a lot and this is kind of my design as an alter. And like Cassandra said, I figure it's my job as the host. They talk about what they want to but a lot of it is stuff about their or our life, how they feel, not just fluff.

Yeah, I think many DID systems absolutely need everyone to be out to heal. Some systems may not need that, but one approach to this -- always trying to work things out through discussion with the host -- would be disastrous for a system like mine.

We've gone over six months without a T and whereas we're looking to get back now and will progress faster, there's no doubt we've been healing overall due to sharing time in the body and also, apparently, all the talking!

We've found that any progress in general usually helps towards progressing healing in some way, even if it's not noticeable at first. But you've definitely made lots of good progress just from the posts of your's we've read, and we hope that you are able to get back into therapy soon and start healing even further! Sharing time out and talking is definitely helpful in healing, least it has been for us (and apparently you as well ).

- Mixture