Sexuality and relationships

Okay so I'm just gonna go ahead and ask what I've been thinking about lately..
*trigger warning for sexuality, sexual orientation etc for the entirety of this thread*

How do you guys that deal with this handle when you're one sexuality and the host is another/in a relationship with one that doesn't attract you based on your sexuality?

I wouldn't mind living a guy as long as he's nice. Nin's been with men before and some weren't my type at all but we lived together just fine. So I don't mean those of you who just aren't attracted to the man/woman/inter/what-have-you of the host or others in your system who are in the relationship..

I mean like for us, Nin is bi leaning heavily towards women, many are lesbians and then there's me and maybe a couple others, I don't know, that are at least mostly straight. I have liked a girl before, a little bit, but I wouldn't identify as a lesbian or bi. I like guys and while our SO is nice and all - she does nothing for me sexually. Not that we're even doing anything sexual or anything like that.

I'm coming to terms with the whole "I'll never have a guy" thing. How did you all work through that? I know we're allowed (in our system) to date others as long as we're single (e.g Nin, Lin, Hay Lin & emma are with our SO right now, and Eliesa is dating her - the rest of us are single or children really) - but most of us (all of us I think) aren't comfortable with that at all and don't want that.

So I guess I'm just wondering how others did it?
Found someone inside your system? Try not to think about it? Try to come to a place where the friendship with the SO is enough?

I'm sorry if this is a wrong question or anything..

Whether it's 'just' not attracted, or wrong orientation/gender, we indeed do, try not to think about it if that means we'll feel worse. Sometimes we are able to fantasize without making it worse, which I'm quite ashamed of anyway so for me it doesn't happen regularly at all.
I realize this is not a good way to live, and a big part of why I want fusion.

I've had my crisis over this too but I've come to a point where I can't allow myself to care about it cause that would get me started about my gender issues again.
I can, I could take matters into my own hands, but that's not the purpose of me, it actually goes against my purpose cause I exist to help her live her life, not to take it over and do with it what I want to do. Especially if it would make her unhappy (which it would), it would defeat my whole purpose cause I exist to keep her happy. That thought helps me deal with it.
For J1 it's not that easy though. She regularly disappears from my awareness/from the front for ages. One time when she took over before I was in charge, she went away to some guy (some abusive shitguy whom I Hate) and pissed on our whole current relationship.
This could easily happen again if I would not control her. Constantly there's urges to get away from here and to find who ever fits the one that wants to go away. Doing that would never work imo, so I just try not to think about it and suppress what I notice from the others. Sometimes I try to open up discussions about how this is not all bad, and about how healing isn't about finding the right partner etc. But it's hard since I know exactly how J1 feels. I have this best friend, girl, and since I like her so much it always makes me come out when she's around, which doesn't help me get over my crush on my best friend. Well but since we're so good at suppressing things we're aware of, we just keep doing that.. All of this is really damn hard for us, which is why I want the DID gone, become one and know what the finished me would want. So messing with the relationship is on a pretty low priority right now but I totally get your point.

Thanks
Yeah we don't want to go outside of this relationship either. It just gets messy so easily, especially in a relatively small town with an even smaller population of queers. So it's just, it wouldn't work out well. I want to be in this relationship just like everyone else, I just don't want it.. like.. sexually. And I'm just trying my best to kinda get over all of it.

Thanks for the help

*Possible Trigger Warning*

L.C.'s lesbian. Fully.

Luna's asexual.

Hawk's pretty asexual.

(Damone's homosexual though in denial).

And the rest of us are either bisexual, or mostly straight (meaning, they won't go out seeking a girl, but they don't mind if others do).


We try to let everyone have as much freedom as possible.

L.C. is allowed to do anything except have a serious relationship with a girl. Mostly, though, she's content sticking with one kinda friends-with-benefits relationship she has with a friend of our's (she's mostly a friend, and we all like her as one). She lives out of state, and L.C. and her have really only done stuff twice, but that seems to be fine with L.C. L.C. does have desires for more serious relationships and such with girls, though, and we feel bad that we can't give her that, and we've even thought about trying to let her have one, but not enough of us would be ok with that we don't think... So she writes about it to help express things and it helps her to feel better. She's also tried moving her focus elsewhere, so that she's not constantly thinking and wishing or moping or anything like that. She's also not pressured to be around for anything with Mike, and she has no pressure to be in a relationship or anything with him either.

Luna has the freedom to just be herself. She's allowed to not be around if she doesn't want to be, there's no pressure, and if she's having a bad day, we'll focus on her needs/wants to help make her feel a bit better and a bit more comfortable and such.

Hawk really doesn't give a sh*t. She's not about to be in a relationship or do anything with anyone, but she doesn't mind Mike and doesn't care that a couple others are dating him.

(Damone is the one we're having the most trouble with. Mike's already stated that he wouldn't feel comfortable at all having any type of relationship or interaction beyond friendship with Damone. So, that leaves us with Damone being attracted to guys, but not having Mike as an option, and the fact that he still dresses and speaks like a guy while having a girls' body doesn't exactly help him to have many options since, well, he's going to attract homosexual guys probably until they find out he's got a girls' body, and he won't attract heterosexual guys being so guy-ish, so this creates an interesting situation. So far, our idea is that when he's ready, we'll simply give him the same "break" deal that everyone has, and then we'll just try to find someone that'll accept him/us. Our other idea is to talk to Mike about it more, but that'll happen further down the line, when it actually has some need to be discussed as Damone gets more comfortable).


Everyone else just compromises. Some of us come out only for sexual release with Mike. And we don't even come fully "out" or anything. We just share enough consciousness to get that release. Even L.C. pokes her head in sometimes to just feel that release and nothing else. So, maybe that's an option you could explore? Not being a part of anything you don't find appealing, but sharing enough consciousness to at get some release or feel some things or something like that?

Sometimes, some of us will picture someone else (to ourselves, the one(s) that are "out" and having sexual relations don't see anything we picture to ourselves). Like, L.C. will imagine a girl, or Valera will imagine Adam, or something like that... It's not Mike's fault in any way, it's just something we do to get release but make it "fit" ourselves more in a way (hope that makes sense...).


We don't know if that helps at all, but know you're not the only one with this issue.


~A mixture of us(?)

Thanks that's good to hear how others have done it hihi

I think I'd be really really uncomfortable being co-conscious while someone else has sex but that's mostly because we have a real problem with kids coming out for it so now that it doesn't happen (doesn't happen with our SO we have now more or less ever because she's a good person and all and we feel safe) but I think if we tried "being closer" with the one who's out some others might come closer too. Plus, honestly - the thought kinda just doesn't feel right for me. Thanks for the suggestion though

Thanks

[color=#4000BF]I obviously be a male and I be straight. Before Jo's husband I was able to have a one night stand with a girl, but now I can't be doin' that. I gotta admit it's d@mn frustratin' not bein' able to be with someone.

In the end I had to make a decision, go celibate or sleep with a girl and risk Jo's husband viewin' that as the body cheatin'. I chose celibacy to keep the system happier. I be knowin' Jo's husband is the best for us and I ain't goin' to mess that up just to cratch an itch, even though I be missin' bein' in a relationship.

But even though I'm straight and Jo's husband is straight, we've developed a heterosexual drinkin' buddy love for for one another, a turnin' into best friends kind of love, and while it's not the same it be helpin' me feel at least some kind of relationship.

Michael[/color]

Thanks for answering Michael - I think we feel pretty much the same way.

I know that this woman is the best for all of us and I just can't risk messing that up. She understands about us wanting someone else if we do, and she's even said we can have relationships etc. But it just doesn't feel right. She's the one for us and as long as they are together I intend to not be with anyone else. It's an itch it's hard not to scratch but it'll be worth it, I believe.

I just got to find out what to do instead. I'm not sure she really wants to be my friend all too much. She says she does but I don't know. With the others she asks like tons of questions but with me it just kinda.. the conversation just never picks up, really. I think we're just very different types of people. Maybe eventually we will end up being friends, cause she's nice and everything - I just don't think we're going to be like close friends in the coming weeks. So I need to figure it all out. At least I've found someone I like to think of as a friend I've never really had that before either except Piz (someone in our system).

Thanks again, it really helped seeing what you wrote

...all my life I've wondered what it is with me and gay boys - when you're a straight woman and you fall for a guy who turns out to be gay ONCE that's bad luck. when it happens ALL THE TIME - it's the gay boy in your head.
Well funny though, how many gays have said to me "This is strange, i somehow fancy you - but...you're a girl" LOL

Ruby

I'm pretty lucky that my alters have their own relationships without my body. It would be difficult if that wasn't the case as Scott and Dean are completely heterosexual ,Ted is very promiscuous and bisexual and Darren...well I don't quite understand what Darren's thing is whereas I, on the other hand, am gay. I've been in a relationship with my partner for 5 years now and Scott has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for about 6 years and they are getting married. They all have their own lives whether that's some kind of internal world of mine or someplace else.

Well for us, Linn is omnisexual. She loves everyone for their spirit and she is strongly against monogamy, but she respects lola's BFs wishes for physical monogamy. Love wise, she is spread all over. Gem is a lesbian and Minnie is straight. I am a lesbian. Ell is pansexual too- she has some who are exclusively lesbian and others who are bi and others who are straight and kids who dont care either way. It sucks a little because everyone can't be happy in any relationship unless the partner was cool with polyamory (he isnt). But he does have an agreement with us that we can love whoever and have relationships as long as they don't get physical. We dated another system for a while until they f*cked us over. So you could date in the system or another system or someone who is cool with love that isn't physical, assuming Nin's SO is against polyamory in a classic sense. The agreement with the boy has worked for us. I get to cuddle and chat with my girl, Ell gets to write poems and go to lunches and concerts with her current flings, and linn can give her love to everybody. It's not exactly ideal, but it's the best we can do.