"First signs" of DID, "hearing voices" vs. "loud thoughts"

Hi,

I haven´t been reading any of the forums on here for a while, but think I am feeling myself enough again to ask questions about things as I used to when I first joined the site.

Just so you have an idea of who I am: I´m not DID as far I´m aware. I´ve gone through phases of looking at all sorts of disorders to check if they fit me, including Asperger´s Syndrome (in which section I wrote the majority of my pots on here). I´ve been recently diagnosed with different disorders on the anxiety and depressive spectrum as well as an eating disorder and attachment disorder (with the doctor hinting at Borderline Personality Disorder).

A friend I´ve met at a clinic may or may not be having DID, but certainly experiences severe dissociation including very frequent lapses in memory and phases of being desorientated, zoning out, flashbacks ect. This is only me making random guesses though and it doesn´t change anything about her being a dear and lovely person to me though, but it got me thinking about DID in general, regardless of whether or not she is DID or what she really has.

I may start asking a few question about DID and your experiences with it soon if you are ok with it.

For now, I´d like to know how, under what circumstances, at what age ect. you learned you had DID or showed signs that, in retrospect, were related to the DID (in case you didn´t know about or hadn´t heard of DID as such or hadn´t been diagnosed at that point yet)?

I´ve only read about two peoples´ experiences with DID so far. One of them talked about "hearing voices" which later turned out to be alters, while the other one experienced it as "having loud thoughts" rather than "hearing voices". As someone who isn´t experiencing any of this, where is the difference between hearing voices and experiencing loud thoughts? What are loud thoughts?

Any replies would be very welcome, thank you in advance and all the best to everyone,

Camelidae

This wasn't your point, but thank you for writing what you did about "loud thoughts", because that is exactly how it feels for us. Loud thoughts, to us, means that we have thoughts that are.. well, loud inside our head. You can't hear them audibly, it's like your normal thoughts - except they feel like they take up more space, and they definitely don't belong to you.

In retrospect I can see that I had it from a very very young age. I've lost years of my life (e.g have no memories from them), and I used to be called by a different name for a while as well as lots of time loss in general. Not sure if this is what you were requesting to hear about, I'm feeling kind of switchy

This thread might be of interest for you:
How did you know you had DID?
This one might also be interesting. It contains lots of resources about DID:
*DDNOS/DID RESOURCES: symptoms, common questions, etc.*

I would warn you for seeing which disorders may fit, unless you have a real problem. I did this and discovered DID that way (AFAIK I don't have DID per se but rather DDNOS which is related). This is something my therapist told me and I agree with that to some degree, but I don't think there's anything wrong with just trying to understand. Just be aware there's a danger of getting caught in a disorder you don't have.

The main question is interesting. For me, it is mostly like 'overlapping thoughts', thought that don't seem to belong to me when I look back on them. Or 'loud thoughts'. Whatever the case, I'm highly co-conscious.

Sometimes, it are intrusive thoughts. This was the case with one that is very depressive. I think it's a female part like most (which seems strange as I'm male). I recently learned she has been hurt deeply and I feel really sorry for her now (I didn't understand that previously and wanted her to go away, which made her feel more hurt. I apologize for that).

Most of the time, it is more like sending thoughts back and forth. I think I'm a visual thinker so that may be the reason I don't usually use words to communicate. Or it's more like I just know what the others want. This may be a bit weird but probably not to those with DID .

-- Edit

Everyone sometimes thinks 'out loud' in their head (or really out loud) for example when an important decision needs to be made. I think this is what those 'loud thoughts' feel like, except they are (sometimes) unexpected and may disagree with the alter in question. And sometimes alters are annoyed when I think loud thoughts in my head and will say so.

Hi there. I have not been officially diagnosed as having DID but it was hinted by doctors and once I get back into therapy I will have a clearer answer. I was originally diagnosed as having psychosis. For me I experience both voice hearing and loud thoughts. My "alters" talk to me out loud. I can hear their voices and most of the time it will sound like it is somewhere in the room or close to my head or sometimes like it is inside my head. It pretty much feels like it would if someone was really talking.
As for loud thoughts they seem to be thoughts that are almost audible but not quite and they normally just appear as opposed to me thinking them. It's like someone else is thinking but I can hear their thoughts and as lifelongthing said they do seem to take up more space. It can be an odd experience. Even more odd than just hearing a voice because it feels like somebody is invading my thinking space.

My first signs were probably around 11 when I first started hearing voices. There were possibly signs before that but at age 11 was when things really started to kick off.

We never heard voices, we just would switch. We knew about DID years ago and knew we had it but run from it because that meant that we had to deal with the memories of abuse. So, in 2005, when we were teenagers - we knew about it in our system. However, it was not until the end of 2011 and the beginning of this year that the alters began to come up and talk and share their experiences

I hear them like they're people who are actually talking except that they're inside of my head rather than outside. They all sound very different too. I've heard that it's common for people to "hear" their alters like real people or to "hear" them like intrusive thoughts. I wonder why there are the differences and if there are more ways to hear alters.

I love this question. DID is like anything else that is human- it's different for everybody. I, personally, would say I experience "loud thoughts" except when the screaming and crying starts, then it's definitely voices. What makes them different? Well, now that you've made me actually think about it... nothing. For me, it's just semantics I suppose. Maybe it has something to do with just how loud it really is? Or what is more acceptable and easier to own as "mine"? Good food for thought.

For me I never believed for a second they could be alters. I didn't know anything about DID when they started and I believed they were real people from a different dimension (I still have such beliefs but I am more flexible). So for me they always presented themselves as voices or as actual visual, physical people. Perhaps that was my minds way of making sense of what was happening to me plus my core belief around them. I suppose now that I have embraced the idea they could be a part of me I've experience more "loud thoughts" than before. Everyone has different experiences. That's what fascinates me the most about DID.

I haven't been officially diagnosed, just given a "probably DID" diagnoses. That happened a couple months ago. I never really suspected I had DID, just that I had a really bad memory. I never heard voices, except the occasional one. But then I started having blackouts in front of my new husband and we realized something wasn't right. And to the psychiatrist we went.

As for voices, I didn't start hearing them until I started writing to my alters in my journal. They aren't loud, unless I suddenly hear too many at once then it sounds like a roar, they just kinda overlap my own thoughts.

First, thank you to everyone for the very quick responses! That was great, thanks!

Now, many questions:

lifelongthing wrote:I've lost years of my life (e.g have no memories from them)

I´ve never quite understood "losing time" or "not remembering" a certain time. Is it to you as if these years never happened? What happens if you try to think of them? I sometimes cannot access certain mememories or periods of time temporarily. It is likely different from your experience, seeing as I am not DID, but to me it then feels as if I am running into a white wall inside my head, like I´m trying to picture a scenario I was no part of and that I thus don´t have the details for. Then again I usually know what happened but can´t visualize it or feel it. It sounds as if you have no recollection at all. Sorry for rambling on, I´m just trying to understand what you described or imagine what it might be like.

Do some of your alters hold these memories instead or are they "gone" completely? Is there any way for you, as you, to access any memories from that time at all? If you lose time, do you at times "recover" any memory afterward?

Not sure if this is what you were requesting to hear about, I'm feeling kind of switchy

It´s fine, this was exactly what I was asking for, lifelongthing.

oaktree wrote:This thread might be of interest for you:
How did you know you had DID?
This one might also be interesting. It contains lots of resources about DID:
*DDNOS/DID RESOURCES: symptoms, common questions, etc.*

Thanks, I will have a look at these!

I would warn you for seeing which disorders may fit, unless you have a real problem.

I think I understand what you mean. It´s often very easy to find yourself in a disorder´s criteria, because disorders are often nothing else but normal behaviours or ways of feeling taken to the extreme which makes it easy to relate to them. For me it gets especially tricky because my mood swings make me feel different about myself and everything around me with every mood on top of that. That said, I do think I have a real problem, if not more than one, even if I tend to sabotage myself or feel conflicted about not feeling "bad enough" to seek help a lot of the time. I also think the things I have now been diagnosed with fit me well. I don´t think diagnoses as such are necessarily helpful in dealing with a problem or change your experience with it, but, feeling unsure and unstable about the whole identity and "me" thing, I do have a thing for labels to give me a sense of "me". But no, I don´t think I have DID. I´m really just very curious.

Sometimes, it are intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive how? Loud, repetitive, unwanted, especially foreign feeling?

I´m wondering where the line between "normal" intrusive thoughts (or maybe even OCD intrusive thoughts) and your intrusive thoughts would be (besides the fact yours come from an alter, that is). Do you think there are any other aspects that make your experience different from the "normal" one other than it being an alter? I hope I don´t come across as invalidating your experience. When I ask these things I´m trying to understand things by imagining what they are like so I tend to try to compare them to my own experiences. That´s not to downplay or belittle yours though or make it sound as if I knew better.

Frank_Darko wrote:My first signs were probably around 11 when I first started hearing voices. There were possibly signs before that but at age 11 was when things really started to kick off.

What other signs were there? (If you don´t mind me asking, that is.)

sacred_unspoken wrote:We never heard voices, we just would switch.

What is switching like? (I´m aking everyone, not only sacred_unspoken.)

However, it was not until the end of 2011 and the beginning of this year that the alters began to come up and talk and share their experiences

What made 2011 different that the alters started coming out then even though they had not before? Was it a conscious decision of you to stop running and face the abuse or did it happen on its own as you "were ready"?

"Share their experience"? As in, tell you about it, or flashbacks?

LittleRedDogToo wrote:I wonder why there are the differences and if there are more ways to hear alters.

Yes, me, too.

boopsy26 wrote:I love this question. DID is like anything else that is human- it's different for everybody. I, personally, would say I experience "loud thoughts" except when the screaming and crying starts, then it's definitely voices. What makes them different? Well, now that you've made me actually think about it... nothing. For me, it's just semantics I suppose. Maybe it has something to do with just how loud it really is? Or what is more acceptable and easier to own as "mine"? Good food for thought.

Glad you like the question.

Anyone have any thoughts on the bolded parts? That seems like an interesting idea, boopsy.

Frank_Darko wrote:Everyone has different experiences. That's what fascinates me the most about DID.

Yes, same. That´s why I´m asking all these questions. It´s interesting. I hope no one is offended by my asking.

wronglesson wrote:I never really suspected I had DID, just that I had a really bad memory.

By "bad memory" do you mean the blackouts that you also mentioned in your post or something else such as blanks in your past ect.?

But then I started having blackouts in front of my new husband and we realized something wasn't right.

Did it just start like that or did you just become aware of it happening? Do you think there is a reason it started happening around the time it did?

As for voices, I didn't start hearing them until I started writing to my alters in my journal.

I reckon you already knew you had alters but had no specifics if you decided to write to them but could not communicate with them yet? How did you write to them? As I read this, I had this image popping up inside my head of someone writing "dear alters" as you would to a diary, "dear diary". But I´ve heard journaling can be effective in starting to get in touch with them or something.

Did they, well, write back or "only" start talking? If they did write back (or anyone had their alters write anything), did their handwriting look different from yours? The friend I mentioned sometimes blacks out while journaling just to "come back" and read about events she didn´t know happend, written in a handwriting that isn´t hers.