What's the Point???

Rant Warning!

Yeah, so I'm in a really sh*tty mood this morning. First off, I'm exhausted, and I really don't want to go to my counseling appointment today. It's really starting to just p*ss me off. What the h*ll is the point in it anyway??? None of my problems are going to go away, I don't see how anything can get resolved, or accomplished. I know the point isn't to make any of it go away....but wtf is it really supposed to help?

I'm feeling like everything is just a huge waste of time and energy...and I'm out of energy. I just don't have it in me anymore. I really just can't deal with anything anymore I feel like all of my parts have abandoned me, except to come out and scream at my husband now and then....but what good does that do? It's not helping the situation at all, and it's not helping me either.

My husband and I got in a huge fight the other night and he said something that hurt my feelings. Several times, I literally balled up on the couch or on the floor, covered my ears, and cried or talked as loud as I could screaming I couldn't handle anymore, it was too much, I couldn't hear anymore. I literally felt like a d*amn 5 year old! It was extremely overwhelming...it was like I completely went over my mental capacity. Nothing felt real, like I was in a nightmare. That panic feeling, like "Is this really happening?". What he said really wasn't THAT bad at all, and I knew this at the time...I couldn't figure out what was going on, or why I felt like that to the extreme that I did. It was a completely inappropriate response to the situation, but I felt like it was somehow related to my childhood, and I recognized that while I was doing it.

You know how when your talking and you forget a word, or the name of a movie or a song, but it's right there on the tip of your tongue, but you still can't remember? That's exactly what it felt like, only with emotions. I tried to think back on when I felt like that in my childhood, but that too seemed to be right on the tip of my tongue. It was the weirdest feeling I've ever had, and I hated it, it was horrible It upset me more that I couldn't put my finger on the the emotion, or the tie it has to my childhood. All I knew was that it was really upsetting, and was much worse than what I'm currently going through. So, then that upset me even more.

I've been in a horrible mood since then....I didn't even get out of bed yesterday. I'll be talking to my T about this today if I can remember, but I still don't think it's going to do any good. I just don't see the point.

I'm sorry you're so exhausted and don't see the point anymore, we've all been there before. For what it's worth, we've had the same thing as you with the "on the tip of your tongue" feeling with emotions before. It's very weird and upsetting. I hope you had a nice talk with your counselor. Best of luck.

I'm unable to offer much comfort right now because I'm fuzzy, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry for the tough times you've been having, and to say that everything takes TIME. Therapy DOES help everything get better and to eventually "go away", but you have to heal before anything is going to "go away", and healing takes time. The progress and help that you're getting might not always be obvious during the present time, but know that it IS helping, it's helping in the long run and it'll show that it's helping with time.

Think of it this way:
You get hurt, and it's a pretty deep wound. But you don't realize that you're hurt or that the wound's even there. So you go on with your life, not noticing that you're hurt, and all the while the wound festers, gets infected, and attempts to scab over. Eventually, you notice the wound, but you don't think it's that bad so you just slap a band-aid on it. After a while, though, you realize that it's not going away/healing. That's when you look closer at it and realize how bad it is. No simple band-aid is going to be enough. You realize that this wound has to be cleaned out, cleaned up, stitched up, and treated carefully in order for it to heal properly. It's going to sting when it's being cleaned, and it won't be pleasant waiting for it to heal, but it's a necessary process otherwise it won't ever heal.

That is what discovering, adjusting to, and healing from DID is like.

Every wound needs time to heal, and every wound hurts while being cleaned/treated before it actually heals. It all just takes time.

In the meantime, while your wounds are healing, we'll be here for you, helping you cope with the healing process.


~The Hawk


Purpose

Lost sight of the goal,
Sucked up in a black hole.
Lost sight of the dream,
Life rips apart at the seams.

What am I doing here?

Unsure of who I really am,
Too many emotions to understand.
Unsure of what I really want,
Past choices continuously haunt.

What am I doing here?

Life spinning out of control,
Swallowed by a black hole.
Confusion erupts in an endless scream,
Sanity rips apart at the seams.

What am I doing here?

I’m still running towards something,
Still hoping to solve the mystery.
I’m still fighting for something,
Still hoping that one day I’ll see,
Exactly what I’m doing here.

~A poem written by L.C. and Luna~


~Luna

lifelongthing wrote:I'm sorry you're so exhausted and don't see the point anymore, we've all been there before. For what it's worth, we've had the same thing as you with the "on the tip of your tongue" feeling with emotions before. It's very weird and upsetting. I hope you had a nice talk with your counselor. Best of luck.

Thanks...yeah it is very weird and upsetting. I did tell her about this today but it didn't help any. I'm still just as p*ssed off about it now as I was this morning

I'm just really sick of feeling like this all the time! I'm tired of being unfunctionable, and I'm tired of being exhausted ALL the time! I'm tired of not having anyone to talk to and I'm tired of being ignored by everyone. I feel like a ghost most of the time. I don't think anyone cares at all.

tomboy24 wrote:I'm unable to offer much comfort right now because I'm fuzzy, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry for the tough times you've been having, and to say that everything takes TIME. Therapy DOES help everything get better and to eventually "go away", but you have to heal before anything is going to "go away", and healing takes time. The progress and help that you're getting might not always be obvious during the present time, but know that it IS helping, it's helping in the long run and it'll show that it's helping with time.

I know it takes time, and I am a very impatient person sometimes. But, I just keep getting worse instead of better. I don't want to live like this anymore. This constant emotional rollercoaster really sucks and it's so exhausting. I don't want it. I don't want to do it. I just can't.

Think of it this way:
You get hurt, and it's a pretty deep wound. But you don't realize that you're hurt or that the wound's even there. So you go on with your life, not noticing that you're hurt, and all the while the wound festers, gets infected, and attempts to scab over. Eventually, you notice the wound, but you don't think it's that bad so you just slap a band-aid on it. After a while, though, you realize that it's not going away/healing. That's when you look closer at it and realize how bad it is. No simple band-aid is going to be enough. You realize that this wound has to be cleaned out, cleaned up, stitched up, and treated carefully in order for it to heal properly. It's going to sting when it's being cleaned, and it won't be pleasant waiting for it to heal, but it's a necessary process otherwise it won't ever heal.

That is what discovering, adjusting to, and healing from DID is like.

Every wound needs time to heal, and every wound hurts while being cleaned/treated before it actually heals. It all just takes time.

In the meantime, while your wounds are healing, we'll be here for you, helping you cope with the healing process.


~The Hawk

If we're comparing it to wounds, then I've been hit by a mac truck and I am barely alive....that's what it feels like anyway. I have so many deep wounds that need delt with, and I don't even really know what they are! That sucks! I hate this amnesia crap. I have so many emotions and feelings constantly being thrown at me....sometimes it feels like I'm under an emotional attack by a large mob. Up until about 3 months ago I had no idea any of this existed...the DID, the SA...I knew of PA/EA...but I don't really have specific memories for it...I thought I had put it in the past and moved on.

I know it takes time, but I just don't want to be feeling like this 6 months from now, or a year, or 5 years. I thought after 3 months I'd feel a little better, but I feel worse I have enough traumatic crap that has happened in my life currently, adding the DID and the childhood trauma is all just entirely too much at once. I feel like I'm working more towards a mental breakdown than a recovery.

Purpose

Lost sight of the goal,
Sucked up in a black hole.
Lost sight of the dream,
Life rips apart at the seams.

What am I doing here?

Unsure of who I really am,
Too many emotions to understand.
Unsure of what I really want,
Past choices continuously haunt.

What am I doing here?

Life spinning out of control,
Swallowed by a black hole.
Confusion erupts in an endless scream,
Sanity rips apart at the seams.

What am I doing here?

I’m still running towards something,
Still hoping to solve the mystery.
I’m still fighting for something,
Still hoping that one day I’ll see,
Exactly what I’m doing here.

~A poem written by L.C. and Luna~


~Luna

That's beautiful Luna! That's exactly how I'm feeling right now, I couldn't have said it better

Things often get worse before they get better. A storm gets worse before it dissipates. The night gets darker before the dawn. And things can often seem to get worse before they show signs of getting better with any condition, much less DID.

We were in non-DID-related therapy for 3 years. We took what benefits we could from it (it focused on our Depression and PTSD), and it was helpful, but not as helpful as DID-focused therapy would've been, I'm sure.

Now, we haven't been able to get back into therapy yet, but do want to return to it. And it's been around...8 years since true awareness started (that the voices weren't just voices, you know?). We've had our ups and downs, and can tell you one thing- the downs will seem a lot worse and will seem to happen a lot more often during therapy than out of it. Why? Because you're cleaning out the wounds. You're cleaning out years' worth of neglect from wounds, and working on actually healing them, including allowing them to heal (aka truly processing things and truly moving on). That's going to be painful and not easy at all. And it'll take time. We're all impatient to heal. You think we don't want to get better as soon as possible? Everyone here has been impatient with their healing at least once. But you have to be patient and realize that it WILL get better once it does start to heal, since it's healing properly this time, and that all of this IS worth it.

You're healing yourself and making yourself healthy. This isn't going to be an easy or a quick process. But it's going to be worth it when you're done, and you're going to be so much better off than if you hadn't healed and stayed unhealthy.

I am sorry you're having such a difficult time, though. I hope you at least feel better soon. Definitely take some "you" time if you're able to. Do things to help you relax, calm down, clear your mind, comfort yourself, feel better, stuff like that. Listen to uplifting or relaxing music, watch a funny or favorite movie, eat some comfort foods (in healthy proportions, of course), wear some comfy or favorite clothes, maybe snuggle with a blanket, pillow, or stuffed animal, take a hot bath, etc. You deserve to "mother" yourself a bit.


~The Hawk

tomboy24 wrote:I’m still running towards something,
Still hoping to solve the mystery.
I’m still fighting for something,
Still hoping that one day I’ll see,
Exactly what I’m doing here.

This is the important part. No matter how lost you feel, no matter how hopeless you feel, keep running, fighting, and hoping that one day, you'll be able to see. One day, you'll find your way and won't be lost anymore. One day, this storm will end and you'll see the sun shine through the clouds again.

Wounds take time to become scars, and scars take time to fade. Everything takes time. Being impatient or wanting it to go faster or seem like it's helping more won't change anything except to make things seem worse for ourselves.
Time doesn't care that you're impatient. Life doesn't care if it seems hard. Therapy doesn't care if it's results are obvious right away. So we have to try and be like them and not care ourselves. Life is hard? Oh well, maybe it'll get better some day. Until then, I trudge on. Things are taking too long? Oh well, they'll be finished one day. Until then, I hold onto my plans and wait until I can act on them. Therapy doesn't seem to be helping? Oh well, I'm sure it's just too soon for me to really see any results.
(By the way, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to help you see that yes, things seem bad now, but they will get better with time. And I'm also a really apathetic person in general).

This is something Rain usually says to L.C. and me: "The sun is still shining, even if you can't see it behind the clouds".


~Luna

Three months isn't so long to try to come to terms with something so huge, having to see your life, your past, yourself in a completely different way. It's been over a year since I first started to realise that something was going on, and it's felt like a year of complete crisis. I've felt the way you do now more often than not, but I can see now that over that time, things have gradually improved. This is not to discourage you, just to say don't be too hard on yourself. You are bound to feel this way, it would be weird if you didn't

Things often get worse before they get better.

This has actually been repeating in my head the last couple days. It's not that I don't want to listen, it's just that the whole situation is so hurtful and frustrating. I feel completely powerless in every way.

We've had our ups and downs, and can tell you one thing- the downs will seem a lot worse and will seem to happen a lot more often during therapy than out of it. Why? Because you're cleaning out the wounds.

This makes a lot of sense, and I have considered that in a way. I think part of me might just be afraid that continuing therapy will cause more emotions and memories to come around. It's hard to work on the wounds when theres so many I'm aware of, and so many I'm unaware of. Theres just too much to focus on at once...adding more on top of more is overwhelming. And it seems like that's how it's going.

I know it's not going to be quick or easy...but like I said, it would be so much better to focus on just one or two things at a time, instead of 10, and adding more onto it as time goes by before the first things are even delt with. I hope that makes sense lol.

I am sorry you're having such a difficult time, though. I hope you at least feel better soon.

I do feel a little bit better, but who knows, in 10 minutes I could feel like I did earlier.

This is the important part. No matter how lost you feel, no matter how hopeless you feel, keep running, fighting, and hoping that one day, you'll be able to see. One day, you'll find your way and won't be lost anymore. One day, this storm will end and you'll see the sun shine through the clouds again.

I sure hope so. I feel like I've been fighting my entire life, trying to come to a peaceful place, but I can't seem to get there. Someone is always around the corner to hurt me. I'm not paranoid, but that's just how it is for me. I'm a good person, I'd do anything for anyone, but people tend to use that against me to get what ever it is they want. I always end up hurt in the end, and they go along their merry way living their happy lives while I'm still sitting here like wtf just happened? I always figured I must've just been a horrible person in a past life and this is my karma. I don't deserve what I've been through, but it keeps happening. I just want it to stop. I don't understand how people can be so cruel without a second thought or even care how it effects me.

I always try to see the positives, but even that gets exhausting putting on the fake happy smile all the time pretending like every thing is ok. It's not ok, and I have no one to be here for me to help me through it.

Not having anyone at all is really the deep issue I'm upset about.

-- Tue Dec 11, 2012 3:55 pm --

Owleyes wrote:Three months isn't so long to try to come to terms with something so huge, having to see your life, your past, yourself in a completely different way. It's been over a year since I first started to realise that something was going on, and it's felt like a year of complete crisis. I've felt the way you do now more often than not, but I can see now that over that time, things have gradually improved. This is not to discourage you, just to say don't be too hard on yourself. You are bound to feel this way, it would be weird if you didn't

Oh, I know. It's probably going to take me a good 10 years to start feeling like a person again after all this...and I'm sure much more is still to come. I've always known something wasn't quite right with me, so I've always had that identity crisis issue around...which sucks too.

I know it's going to take a while, I just wish I wasn't feeling like crap 24/7. It's such a deep crappy feeling, I just get tired of it. And I have so much to do around here, and I just can't do it anymore. There is no 'I just don't want to do it', I literally *can't* do anything. I don't have time to just *can't* do anything.

I have been fighting all my life. I started as a lone fighter, and aside from now cooperating with other alters, I'm still a lone fighter. I started out not having anyone, thinking I didn't need anyone, and not wanting to have anyone. To me, I still don't have anyone (Cassandra's boyfriend and friends are not mine), unless you count the other alters, and I absolutely hate not being independent and actually needing help from someone. I also still don't want to have anyone. But sometimes, I'll admit, being a lone fighter gets to you. It's not an easy thing to do. Life beats you up, and you try to beat it back. Life knocks you down, and you gotta pick yourself back up and keep going. You feel like life's finally KO'ed you and that it's all over, only to find that you're still staggering blindly around the ring, trying to not fall down. You get tired, frustrated, angry, and if you let yourself, you can start to feel hopeless. The breaks in between rounds start to not seem long enough, and you can't seem to breathe enough air or drink enough water. You feel like a fire that's slowly dwindling into embers, slowly going out.

But you can't quit. If you quit, life wins. If you give up, you'll never be victorious. You just have to keep fighting. No matter how tired you get, or how frustrated you are, or how endless the fight seems, you just gotta keep at it. Fight back with all your strength when you can, and reserve strength by going on defensive and blocking when you have to. Take all that you can from the breaks in between the rounds, and try to get yourself as refreshed as possible for the next round. And then wait for that final bell to ring. Wait for that day when you're the last one standing in the ring, and that final bell changes to signify the end of the fight, not just the end of the round. As soon as you make it to that day, that's when you can collapse and rest, wallowing in your victory.

Right now, I'm on the defensive, and life's been hitting me pretty hard these past recent rounds. But I know that if I keep fighting, I can change the course of the rounds and I know I'll win this fight. If I quit or give up, though, I'll never have the chance to even try, and you only fail when you stop trying. It doesn't matter how many times you fall down as long as you keep getting back up and trying to stay on your feet.

You might not have anyone in person to be there for you right now (do you have a therapist?), but you have people that support and understand you here on this site. That's something, and something is better than nothing.

-KAT

Thanks everyone! I'm feeling much better today finally! That whole thing I went through Sunday just kinda kicked my butt I think!

I have been fighting all my life. I started as a lone fighter, and aside from now cooperating with other alters, I'm still a lone fighter.

I've always been a lone fighter too. That's just how it is, not by choice, but bc that's just how it's always been for me. It's always bothered me some, but I always felt I was strong enough to deal with everything on my own anyway.

I started out not having anyone, thinking I didn't need anyone, and not wanting to have anyone.

I didn't think I needed anyone either. I mean, I had always wished I had someone when I needed it, but I guess I was just so used to being alone it didn't bother me too much. So I'm not exactly the type to ask for help. It's very rare if I ask anyone for help with anything, and if I do...we'll, I must really need it. Asking for help is just uncomfortable and IDK, makes me feel weak.

But sometimes, I'll admit, being a lone fighter gets to you. It's not an easy thing to do. Life beats you up, and you try to beat it back. Life knocks you down, and you gotta pick yourself back up and keep going. You feel like life's finally KO'ed you and that it's all over, only to find that you're still staggering blindly around the ring, trying to not fall down. You get tired, frustrated, angry, and if you let yourself, you can start to feel hopeless. The breaks in between rounds start to not seem long enough, and you can't seem to breathe enough air or drink enough water. You feel like a fire that's slowly dwindling into embers, slowly going out.

Yep, that's exactly how it is. It's exhausting. Just as the drama of one thing finally gets delt with, the drama of another comes along and the whole cycle starts all over again. It just seems to be never ending. All I've ever wanted is just peace. But, peace can never be accomplished. Everything I'm going through right now has been caused by bad decisions on other peoples part, decisions I had no control over. It's not fair d@mmit! lol. I just don't understand how people can be so incredibly selfish, not caring about how their bad decisions will effect the other person. Everyone makes mistakes, I know that, but these kind of mistakes are not accidents. They're mistakes that they have had plenty of time to think about before hand, and mistakes they could have easily made the right decision instead of the wrong.

That, is what frustrates me the most about all of this. All of this was caused by others, and those the closest to me, that I trusted.

But you can't quit. If you quit, life wins. If you give up, you'll never be victorious. You just have to keep fighting. No matter how tired you get, or how frustrated you are, or how endless the fight seems, you just gotta keep at it. Fight back with all your strength when you can, and reserve strength by going on defensive and blocking when you have to.

Obviously, I go through my periods of just wanting to give up. Not an end all, just more of I want it all to disappear, I want a retreat, I want a break from it. It's hard dealing with so much 24/7 and without a break.

'Normal' people (those without any disorders), have a very difficult time dealing with infidelity. It can take 5-10 just to get over the PTSD caused by it for them. I found out about the infidelity, SA in my childhood, and DID all within 3 weeks time. That's A LOT in 3 weeks. I'm completely overwhelmed. Each one of things are difficult enough to deal with one at a time, but I'm doing all 3 at the same time. I just turned 27 and it makes me feel like my life has literally fell apart into shreds and I have to figure out all on my own how to put all the pieces back....and find all the missing ones lost and scattered around the house.

I've asked for help, which like I said is very rare, but nothing. I know I'm over everyones heads, but it'd be nice for someone to listen instead of me sitting here in silence all day. No one even seems the slightest bit curious, I haven't been asked any questions or anything. I haven't exactly spread the news around, but I have told my mom, grandma, and aunt. My mom seems to think that it's more possible I'm possessed by spirits than having DID So, she's convinced herself that that's what's wrong with me. That's not exactly helpful.

You might not have anyone in person to be there for you right now (do you have a therapist?), but you have people that support and understand you here on this site. That's something, and something is better than nothing.

Yes, I see her once a week for an hour. I don't have insurance so it's really expensive so that's as much as I can afford to go...and I really can't even afford that since I'm not working anymore bc of all this Even that is just as scattered though. I've got 3 major issues to deal with...an hour isn't long enough to talk about them all, so it seems to get rotated each week...so I only really get to discuss each thing every 3 weeks.

Thanks I am glad I have this forum. I know everyone here understands more of what I'm going through than anyone else I could talk to in person. Sitting here alone all day every day just sucks I guess, IDK.