Symptoms of SA? ** trigger warning **

** Trigger warning ** subject of post is inherently triggering

Ok, I have to ask this. This question already lingers too long in my head. Posts like these ("Sexual Orientation Confusion... *Trigger Warning*") bring the subject up again to me.

Normally, I don't really think about it and it doesn't really affect me normally, but there's something that bugs me. I have had a few things that may be signs of SA but I'm not sure what to do with it.

When I answered with this post ("False Memories?") I intended to help somehow, but I was merely stating my own troubles (this isn't really the way it should be done, and I apologize for that). I expected a reply somehow. I tried to delete the triggering part because it describes things I would rather keep private, but I was too late. I'm not going to repeat them here. But I will make it a proper question this way. Other possible signs:

• I have a few female parts while I'm male (existence of them hasn't been proven yet by a diagnosis, my denial is coming back I think). Actually, they are the only ones (four) that have clearly identified themselves.
• One of them believes that she has been raped and killed. The latter is obviously wrong (I am still able to type this ), so that brings doubt to the first, but why would they say that otherwise?
• For a time, I got descriptions and images of sexual abuse (SA) that I was forced to write down (first time it was by mutual agreement, a flashback/re-experience/something was the alternative). They didn't have any emotional feelings and didn't really affect me. I merely considered them strange images and they didn't seem very real. But I know the place where they come from, if they are real (far back in my childhood, outside of my family and not at home).
• A certain song about rape (lyrically, not literally) somehow interests me. It seems to have a very powerful emotion attached (for me, at least). I posted it here ('"forced" to believe having DID?'). One time, when I wanted to listen to that part, but was already really confused/dissociated, I just skipped that part somehow (I didn't hear it, lost time?). I listened again and that time it worked.
• (edit: added) When I have sexual fantasies (I'm sure everyone has them sometimes ) they are nearly always abusive. That seems better / more logical somehow, although I know it isn't.

Good morning oaktree! You know I'm still new to all this, so I might not be of much help, but a part of me has some thoughts for you and I can relate to some of this too!

***Trigger Warning***

One of them believes that she has been raped and killed. The latter is obviously wrong (I am still able to type this ), so that brings doubt to the first, but why would they say that otherwise?

Obviously, the latter is wrong for you, but that doesn't make it *wrong* for her. She obviously wasn't *killed* physically, but metaphorically she was. If she was the one who took the sexual abuse, it is a very traumatic experience which can feel like a mental/emotional death. The abuse "killed" her. To her, as an alter, she perceives it as a physical death and that physical death is very real to her. A part of you was "killed" from this abuse, and she is that part who takes this death literally.

You say your a male. If any of your abusers were male that would make sense to me why you have so many female parts, and why they are the only ones who have clearly identified themselves. (Taking the assumption that your abuser was male) it's more acceptable mentally for the abuser to be of the opposite sex, so the opposite sex was created to take that abuse....and so it may be *easier* for them to identify themselves to you.

For a time, I got descriptions and images of sexual abuse (SA) that I was forced to write down (first time it was by mutual agreement, a flashback/re-experience/something was the alternative). They didn't have any emotional feelings and didn't really affect me. I merely considered them strange images and they didn't seem very real. But I know the place where they come from, if they are real (far back in my childhood, outside of my family and not at home).

I can relate to this! I didn't have to write down anything about sexual abuse, but the rest I can relate to. Pre-DID awareness, I would get flashbacks during sex with my husband (when I really didn't want to be having sex, I should add). It was like a photograph of me being raped around the age of 4 or 5 by a grown man, but I could never see his face, and I always saw it as if I was standing right next to my childhood self. I always thought it was such a horrible terrible perverted thought! Why would something like that pop into my head? It was horrible! I never knew of any SA so I had no idea these were flashbacks. Like you said, they just seemed strange and didn't seem *real*, like it was me that I saw in the flashback, but I didn't experience or remember that. I also didn't have any emotional feelings connected to it....just that it creeped me out and thought it was a horrible thought.

Anyways, those are my thoughts. I hope it helps...and I hope it makes sense! *I* typed without thinking, I'm just not sure who had something to say. Except the last paragraph, that was me lol

-- Wed Dec 05, 2012 8:46 am --

I never knew of any SA so I had no idea these were flashbacks. Like you said, they just seemed strange and didn't seem *real*, like it was me that I saw in the flashback, but I didn't experience or remember that. I also didn't have any emotional feelings connected to it....just that it creeped me out and thought it was a horrible thought.

We won't let her have anymore memories yet. She didn't respond well to the last one she got.

My name is Jenna btw.

One of my alters Darren has told me many times that he suffered a lot of sexual abuse. However I know for an absolute fact that neither me or my body has ever gone through that kind of abuse. Darren's abuse came from within his family but I know no one in my family was like that as I have a great relationship with all my family members.

My alters do have lives of their own and they all seem to have families and friends who exist somewhere else so I don't believe Darren's experiences reflect my own. Plus his abuser killed his mother which doesn't mirror my life as my mum is alive and kicking.

This did worry me a lot and part of me doesn't wish to tell doctors about Darren's past in case they think it represents something that happened to me. The way I see it Darren is pure anger and aggression and upon creating him maybe there needed to be a reason to justify Darren's resentment for the world and having a life of abuse seems like a pretty good reason to carry that sort of hate. His existence is symbolic. Most of my alters lives seem to be more symbolic than based on any literal experiences of my own. I've never had to suffer abuse but I suppose the act of abuse is symbolic to how I was feeling mentally at the time of his creation as I felt incredibly caged and trapped when I met him.

This is just my experience anyway. I've never had any flashbacks and I have a perfectly healthy sex life and sex drive so I highly doubt any sexual abuse happened in my past. I'll admit I'm quite sensitive to rape. I hate any film where a man or woman is sexually assaulted but I think that's simply because it's such a vulgar act and I hate to see it rather than my feelings being based on any experiences of my own.

Anyway I hope you find your answers soon.

Update: I have added another bullet to the list now.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:Taking the assumption that your abuser was male

He is, in those images.
That explanation makes sense, I thought of that before.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:I also didn't have any emotional feelings connected to it....just that it creeped me out and thought it was a horrible thought.

It didn't really creep me out, it was more like, well, those images come to my mind, but it didn't affect me. Like, maybe it's true, but even that case wouldn't give any feelings... strange. This isn't a thing I would think people would just accept, right?
When Siria (that's who I was talking about) told what happened I was quite surprised. Here I described it:
"forced" to believe having DID? dissociative-identity/topic100088.html

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:My name is Jenna btw.

Hi Jenna! I don't see you in the signature, so are you new here? Have you typed/told the first part?

Frank_Darko wrote:This is just my experience anyway. I've never had any flashbacks and I have a perfectly healthy sex life and sex drive so I highly doubt any sexual abuse happened in my past.

Well, I don't have experience yet, so...
But what you write makes sense.

Frank_Darko wrote:Anyway I hope you find your answers soon.

Me too! But I'm sure one day this will all be clear to me.

Hi Oaktree,

My T recently told me that for quite a while she thought even though I had experienced SA even though I had very little memory of anything like it for quite a while. Like you, I have an alter who believes she was raped and killed. She very definitely lives in a fantasy world (what she describes is very, very different from anything I've ever experienced or even places I've ever been), but the deeper we get into things, the more her story actually makes sense. (Although, I've still never been to the places where she claims she lives). Initially she even claimed to be a ghost, but as I've learned over time, she's wearing a ghost mask. Literally, we finally got her to peel the mask off for the first time that I know of, and she's a very young (and very cute!) little rather than the monster she was claiming to be. And knowing that, I've been able to approach my others when they say things that to me are outlandish and incorrect and look at them with another eye.

What helped us was to do drawing projects together. This Little isn't very good at writing, so if your alter can write then that might work for you. I would draw half of a picture and she would add to it. For example, I drew a picture of myself listening to her which she liked very much. I drew a picture of a bed and let her draw more from there.

LittleRedDogToo wrote:She very definitely lives in a fantasy world (what she describes is very, very different from anything I've ever experienced or even places I've ever been),

LittleRedDogToo wrote:[...] rather than the monster she was claiming to be

I don't know yet. Two times I had bidirectional verbal communication for a short while. The second time I asked about her being dead and that being hard to understand, but she said something like she was ghost-like. Not like a monster. I've read 'dead' alters are common (http://www.dissociative-identity-disord ... ities.html).

LittleRedDogToo wrote:This Little isn't very good at writing, so if your alter can write then that might work for you.

Unfortunately, I'm not really able to switch. So that is not (yet) possible. And I haven't had any real contact since (maybe sometimes, I'm not entirely sure but as I seem to understand/hear now I had sometimes ).
(The only 'switching' that seems to occur is when I get paralyzed, or some sort of co-conscious switch. I don't know.)

I won't assume anything until I have more solid evidence. Once, when I asked inside, they seemed to say it was real. But I'm not even sure they are real .

This all assuming it is indeed DDNOS/DID, which I'm not sure about either . (denial? or just doubt? I don't know). I write post as if I have DID, but in daily life, I'm not really sure about that.

Although I don't really have an answer yet, it is good to hear similar experiences. Helps in making sense of it.

Do you have a conversion disorder?

My T was telling me about DID and conversion disorders a while back because I was diagnosed with epilepsy which now seems to be a result of the DID rather than actual epilepsy. She has another patient who experiences a conversion disorder when faced with potentially traumatic conversations, and she becomes completely paralyzed. It might be worth looking into.

LittleRedDogToo wrote:Do you have a conversion disorder?

No. I can often get in that state voluntarily. It is always possible to get control back. It might take a few seconds and a bit effort, but it is always possible. I have read a bit about it and it seems to be much more serious than what I have. I have just read a bit about it. I might have always had it, without noticing it.
The way I get in and out of that state seems to be by 'moving backwards' and 'moving forwards', without actually moving. I think this might be switching (also because of the time it takes: a few seconds max.). Sometimes, when I'm really far away, I can't move my eyes and sometimes my eyelids start to blink in an unnatural rhythm (like it's done by someone else).

I have never had epilepsy or something that's epilepsy-like.

(For those that didn't see it, I am able to switch now although mostly spontaneously, it is possible for alters to write although it doesn't get that easily yet. It seems I'm not up front most of the time now. And most of the time, I can't take control back. But I'm always there, aware, and apparently needed.)

As it's still on the same subject I think I'll post it here.
I'm only getting more evidence my suspicions were right. San said something like it happened but she can't remember much (she's the same age as me, I think that's related). And I've gotten something that might be a flashback.

** trigger warning **
That evening I had pain in my genital area. Not much, but it started to get annoying. And I felt ... weird. When I got home late, I got on this site (to read) and then, I don't know what triggered it but I got in a state where I was half aware of the environment and half somewhere else. I still knew what was real. I hadn't control at that moment but I don't have that anyway usually now. So I was there, first seeing someone getting beaten (at least, I think it was someone else, not actually me dissociated), then most of what happened wasn't clear but it was probably some sort of rape. I've seen that room before in a similar way but not this - direct. I was merely watching then. After a while, I seemed to go to above and in some black space (I strongly suspect this is what is supposed to be my inner world, just empty). There it felt safe. I actually felt more peaceful there, away from the pain. I imagined some comfortable chair and sat there for a while, until I was called back because, as said to me, I was needed (the body wouldn't do anything without me, I think). Oh and I got guided to that place by some face that appeared in front of me. I somehow recognized it, it felt strangely familiar. But I don't know exactly of what or whom.
** end trigger **

I think I have to take this really seriously, although, as I said on another thread, extraordinary claims need extraordinary evidence.

So, I thought I'd post here, for anyone interested in reading this.

I don't know if my experience is relevant here because I have no communication with my alters...

*Trigger Warning*

But I have been through SA, have very little memory of it and there was a time when I had close to none. But I always knew because there were obvious signs as a child, I'll have to spare the details. Later, fragments of memories started to show up.

Like you, I have genital pain, also this strange thing where my alters and I have different orientation. I think it must be because of the abuse.

I also have violent sexual fantasies... Or intrusive thoughts. It happens so much with abuse victims. Maybe not always necessarily through sa, but it does seem related more often...don't know if this helps. I hope you feel better soon, and find things at the right times (if you find something).