How to talk to others

My family have never been actively involved when it comes to my mental health issues. Some of my closest family members are aware but all information that has been presented to them either through me or my doctors has always been very vague so I don't really know what they think or what they know. The same goes for some of my friends. Most of these friends are no longer a part of my life but recently Scott has been encouraging me to try and reconnect with some of them.

I want to be more open when it comes to mental health as I feel the lack of understanding from the people in my life drives us further apart. I want to tell some of my old friends but this has been problematic in the past. Scott used to talk to my friends a lot. I let him have his own email address and all my friends loved him. I told them I'd met Scott through a group that helped with mental health issues and they all welcomed him and never for a moment suspected "I" was the one talking to them. I finally got the courage to tell a friend that Scott wasn't exactly real and she was enraged. I assured her that I had not invented Scott and it was him talking but he was technically a part of me. She seemed to think I was trying to trick people with Scott.

*Possible trigger *She even went as far as telling his/my friends he was a pedophile and shouldn't be trusted. *End Trigger*

This hurt me greatly but thankfully none of those people believed her. It hasn't all been bad though. One friend seemed very supportive and Scott has told me he has had conversations with her since. (turns out perhaps I have switched more times than I thought I had).
I'm just a bit scared of telling the other people who talk to Scott that Scott isn't exactly who or what they think he is. I don't want a repeat of what happened with my less-than-supportive friend. Also my partner is aware of my issues but again he doesn't really know the full picture. I'm worried about talking to him more in depth because he has this belief that I should deal with my own issues and shouldn't rely on him (which I don't).
When it comes to talking to loved ones what's the best way to approach the subject?

Thanks everyone-Hunter (aka Frank)

Dont tell them anything

Talk to a therapist about it!, or work things out with others then you family system.

I would say there are different views on this. Like here:
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/disso ... nderstand/
And this page may help you more than I can in this post:
http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/disso ... dos-donts/

I hope I helped you with this.

OMNICELL wrote:Dont tell them anything

I don't mean to offend, but personally I don't see this isn't very helpful advice, and not a very healthy approach to the subject, either.

As far as significant others go, Cassandra simply told Mike that she had something she wanted to talk to him about, and then she just laid out everything slowly, clearly, and bluntly. She started with telling him what DID was (Dissociative Identity Disorder), how it used to be called MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder- more people remember MPD than DID), and how it's caused/how it's a coping mechanism for trauma. (She used PTSD as an example of dissociation, and it helped the DID seem "more real" since PTSD is a similar, more well-known dissociative disorder). She then explained what purposes alters serve (protection, guidance, holding trauma memories, etc), and then proceeded to explain her own alters/system. Then she answered any questions that he had.

I've heard that we've read that others here have done things such as print out stuff from resource websites to help explain DID to their partners, or drawn out diagrams to help give them a visualization (such as a person figure made into a pie chart with different names and such), or wrote a letter for their SO's to read in person because it was too difficult for them to verbally talk about it. I would try to think of a way that is easiest for you, and seems like it'd make the most sense to your SO. Perhaps treat it like a speech, and write out an outline so that you can practice a bit before actually telling him?

One of the things that Cassandra also did was she showed Mike examples of different handwritings, different writing styles from things typed on the computer, different art styles (like Cassie's drawings versus L.C.'s drawings), stuff like that. Perhaps you could do something similar, such as maybe print out things you and Scott have typed/written that show differences? Or maybe you could show him the pictures you drew of your alters to help show him what they look like?

Another thing Cassandra did a bit later on that was effective was having everyone write about themselves in their own font style of choice. Their name, their age, a bit about their personality/how they are, what they like, what they want out of life, etc. Then she let Mike read it. It helped him to see just how different we can be despite being parts of the same person, and helped him to get to know everyone a bit better. And the more someone knows/understands about something, the less they're going to doubt it, or feel confused about it, or fear it.


Here's two threads that might be helpful, if not at least interesting, to you:
How do you tell someone you have DID?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic71699.html
Finally told our Grandma: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98471.html

And here's a quote that shows there can be and are positive responses from SO's being told:"Now, before I begin, I'd like to apologize if I am wasting all of your time by writing this, but I am just looking for answers to what my girlfriend has.
She sat me down a few nights ago and explained to me that she has upwards of 6 different personalities and that I will have to meet all of them in the days to come.
So, I am told her I will be with her through the whole thing, and she couldn't have been happier. I also told her that I will be asking them all different questions and telling her what they say.

Now, to tell you a little bit about her, my girlfriend, she is 20 years old. She has had a pretty rough life and I am just looking to help her if she ever asks for it. I really would like to know more about what she has. As of right now, it presents to risk to her or anyone around her, including me."
(Quote taken from this thread: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101047.html)



And one last thing. This is a quote from Kat (from another thread), as she was giving someone advice about this very subject (the major difference being, this person's partner thought this person was faking DID when they weren't, but her advice is still relevant to your situation): "You're not f*#king faking it, and don't let ANYONE convince you or try to tell you otherwise. They're not you, they don't know what goes on with you or in your head, they can't f*#king understand or know you like you do, so don't listen to their idiotic babbling. Stand up for yourself, for what you seem to f*#king accept, and actually start acting like you accept it. STAY STRONG. You know you're always heard here. Feeling like you're faking it, then having those emotional responses when someone else tells you you're faking it should give you a f*#king hint. YOU'RE NOT FAKING IT. Otherwise, you wouldn't have any strong emotional response that's out of your control. K?

If you wanna put this sh*t on hold until you get a T (aka therapist), then talk to your partner about it. Tell them that you don't want to go into it anymore until you've got help. Let them know that you want to hash this sh*t out, just not right now and not without some help. Tell them you just wanna take a break from this, take a step back, and go slow so that sh*t doesn't get tangled up or so that mistakes aren't made, so that judgments aren't made, etc.

I'm not telling you to leave your partner, but if they can't "deal" with you, then what's the point? A partner's supposed to be there for you, through good sh*t and bad sh*t. You're supposed to help each other and be glad that you have each other, that you can be there for each other. Not feeling like you have to "deal" with each other. Or maybe you just assume they don't deserve to "deal" with you? Maybe you should try letting them "deal" with you, all of you, to see if they're really right for this kind of relationship. Again, not saying to leave them, or that they're bad for you, or any of that. Just saying that maybe it's time to test the waters and start showing all of you. It's not healthy to censor yourself. Trust me.... We still try that and every time it blows up in our faces. (You'd think we'd f*#king learn, but whatever...)"


If you wish to have a serious relationship with this person, you will need to tell them eventually.

(For us, it's become a kind of rule to tell those we wish to date that we have DID first, before anything starts. We find it's a lot easier to lay out all our cards in the beginning, that way everyone knows exactly what they're getting into before they get into it. It's a lot easier to find out that someone isn't ready for the ride before the ride starts. Of course, I understand this doesn't really apply to your situation, but I wanted to share what our system does anyway).

I hope you're able to find the help/advice you're looking for, and I wish you the best of luck with this.


~The Hawk

Thank you very much for your input everyone. It's much appreciated.

tomboy24 wrote:If you wish to have a serious relationship with this person, you will need to tell them eventually.

I've been with my partner for nearly 5 years so I'd say that was fairly serious lol. He is aware of my "alters" and has been there during difficult times (he has suffered at the hands of Darren before). However this was all when my label was psychosis and although nothing about me has changed I feel that the label of DID will probably seem very extreme to him and I know he will have little, or no interest, in actually communicating with my alters as he just wants to get on with life. I very rarely talk to him about anything regarding mental health as I feel like i'm being an inconvenience.

People heal from DID. If I'm remembering correctly, most people don't really "heal" from psychosis, much like they don't really "heal" from schizophrenia. And I would think that people who often have a hold on reality, such as people with DID, have a better chance at functioning well in life than those who don't often have a hold on reality, such as people with psychosis (no offense meant, simply stating an opinion based on facts). Those are things you can inform him of to help him see that it's not a "worse label" or anything like that (because it's not). You can also tell him that DID is actually fairly common, just not well-known throughout society.
Whether or not he chooses to interact or care about your alters doesn't affect the fact that explaining about them, and sharing things about them, could be helpful for him to better understand DID in general and what roles/purposes your alters play/serve in your life. Sharing things about yourself, ALL parts of yourself, and things about your mental health is not an inconvenience.


If not for the inner workings of your system, I would be worried at the fact that your SO has little to no interest in interacting with your alters. They are PARTS of YOU, you are a part of them; you're all parts of the same person. If you choose to integrate as a way of healing, your SO will have to face all your alters, only melded with you, so there'd be a little bit of everyone in the mix. It might be better for your SO to have some interaction with them, so that he can get to know all parts of you to some extent. If he is truly meant to stay with you, he needs to accept ALL of you and have some interest on some level about ALL of you, because you are ALL the SAME person. (He doesn't have to like all of you, just as singletons don't have to like aspects of other singletons, but he does need to accept that you are all parts of the same person, and he cannot just ignore the others and wait for them to disappear, because they never will since they're parts of you). However, with your alters having their own worlds and seeming content within them, I wouldn't address or worry too much about this issue just yet (at least not until after you tell him).


~The Hawk

I don't wish to portray him in a bad way. He can be supportive but he had to tackle his own mental health issues by himself and so he seems to think I should do the same. It's a very stressful time for him at the moment regarding his career so I probably won't talk to him about it until things have settled down a bit. We have a great relationship but when it comes to emotional stuff I tend to have that stupid masculine thinking that emotions=weakness, which I know deep down isn't true, but it still holds me back from being open as I'm scared to be seen as emotional and I feel a very strong obligation to prove to people I'm not. I don't know why.

I never meant to portray him in a bad way, either. And I never thought he was in any way a "bad" partner. I was just bringing up possible speed bumps in the future that you might want to consider is all. I always like to see all possible sides/points to everything if I'm able to. (Guess I'm kinda like a hawk that way, perching up high and looking all around me ).

Just because he didn't have support or help doesn't mean you shouldn't have it. Some of us have the unfortunate disposition of having to do things on our own. But that means that we have the experience and possible ability to help those that, thanks to us, don't HAVE to be on their own. Just my point of view on it. I can understand where he's coming from, though. Kat thinks the same way. "I handle my own bullsh*t, you handle your's", is what she says. And she'll continue to say it, all the way up until one of us needs help "handling our sh*t", or one of the very few people she cares about needs help "handling their sh*t".
(She mostly says it to the people that don't really need help but are looking for it and act like children when they need to just grow up, anyway).

From your posts that I've read, you seem to be a very self-controlled guy. This could be part of the reason why it's hard for you to open up emotionally. You can't always control emotions in the sense of how strongly you feel them once you let them out, when they hit you, how you feel despite your surroundings, etc. Not only that, but if you allow yourself to open up, that's giving up control not only within yourself, but within the relationship. If you feel and/or are seen as the masculine one, that puts you as more of the "alpha male", and that gives the impression/feeling of control, or at least more control than if you didn't act like an "alpha male".
It sounds like a giant mix of how male/human brains are wired, the things we've been taught by society for how guys are "supposed to be", and some personal reasons/issues.

Another thing to consider- often, emotional people are seen as unable to handle things/situations well, and are sometimes less trusted with things because people can see them as unable to handle stuff. They can be seen as "dramatic" or "weak", despite the fact that unless you are actually a drama queen, you're not "dramatic" or "weak" for showing emotions.
I know that's why Kat really only shows anger, because it's the only emotion that doesn't really make you seem "weak" (there are ways that anger can seem "weak", but not usually with the way Kat expresses it).


~The Hawk

tomboy24 wrote:[color=#FF4000][b][i]I never meant to portray him in a bad way, either. And I never thought he was in any way a "bad" partner.

Don't worry I didn't think that was what you are doing. I was just aware that what I was saying about him came across as more negative than positive and I just felt I was putting him in a bad light and didn't want people to have a negative view on him.
I think what makes things a bit more difficult when it comes to emotions is we are both quite masculine. I know when it comes to homosexual relationships there tends to be a more masculine and a more feminine partner but for us if people didn't know we were together we would definitely look like two straight men lol. So really there's always this underlining feeling that "I have to prove I'm more alpha than you".
I think you've hit the nail on the head about the whole "emotional people are seen as unable to handle things/situations well". I feel very much like I've had to look after myself emotionally through incredibly difficult periods of my life and I suppose I take some pride in knowing I could look after myself and stay controlled. To become emotional- whether to my partner, family or even therapist- I feel like all that work has been for nothing and I'm no longer strong as I'm having to rely on others for comfort.