Host is sad

I don't feel real anymore.

I've been made. I was just used.
Like a piece of machinery just to keep the others going. I don't feel I've been real, just a robot.

Feel like I've got to say goodbye soon
I'm not happy about going...
What's dying like?
Will I vanish all together?

I'm sad.
I'm scared, will it be like dying?
Host will be no more?
Where will I go?

Why was I made?
Are all the others like me?

Host has been good, I didn't do nothing wrong
Why am I being exterminated?
I didn't do nothing wrong.

Have I just been a robot, to protect the other ones?
I like being me, I don't mind me.
Why don't they want me anymore?
Host is unhappy

Robot

You won't die or disappear An alter can not actually die like that. You might be replaced at host if the system both feels it needs it and it actually works out (for many systems, changing hosts doesn't seem to happen even if they all want it). But you would still be there. You would still be able to switch into the body and do your own things and have your own feelings Just like all the others, you won't just disappear - you're there and you'll stay your own personality, mostly you'll just front less

I hope you feel better soon!

They're gonna come and take me away
I'll dissolve into them, into those colours, and merge
I don't wanna merge, I want to be separate
I don't need no one else, I got me!
I don't want to be 'them'. I'm 'separate', I've been separate for a long time.
They're all together, but I'm on my own, on the outside.
The colours are all pushing and wriggling inside.
They're gonna take me soon
I don't wanna become one of them
Is it gonna hurt much..
What's it gonna feel like being on the inside?
Will I get stuck, can I still come out?
What if I don't get on with all the other colours?
Will they like me?
Worried

I don't wanna merge, I don't wanna merge..

Have you tried talking to the ones that know a lot of what is going on in the system if you have to merge? Or if you can have your own place/your own job/your own something on the inside, so you remain your own person?

It's okay to want to be yourself and not merge. We don't either. But we all have a place here and no one has disappeared even though we've changed hosts many times. I hope you all can find a way to make this work for you (all)

I'll ask if I can have my own room, or stuff for now.
Maybe they can set one up for me and we can talk about structure a bit if they want any.
Maybe it will be more like moving.. Will be nice if I get to stay alive somehow, just maybe with others around me.
Yeh thanks..

Even if you merge, you are not dying. I understand you wish to stay separate and to stay yourself. If you express those wishes calmly and explain how you feel, I'm sure that you will be able to stay yourself. If not, then that means that this was something greatly needed by everyone as a whole, and you are a huge, important piece needed to move forward.

Alters do not die off, ever. And when a merge happens, they will still be there, just mixed with others. But just because you cannot taste the egg directly in a cake, does not mean there are no eggs in the cake. Alters are like ingredients that are mixed to produce a whole person, but just because they are mixed doesn't erase the fact that those ingredients are still there.

Hosts are indeed just like alters. In fact, they are alters themselves 9 times out of 10. Their purpose is to handle everyday living, everyday life. Insiders help them to cope with things so that they're able to function, and the hosts' purpose is to function so that we keep living/surviving. We navigate the inside, they navigate the outside type of thing.

Sometimes, hosts need to be changed or replaced. This is no one's fault. All this means is that the system has a different set of needs that the current host was not designed for and possibly cannot meet easily. So there must be a change in order to meet whatever needs of the system at that point in time. However, that does not mean that you're not needed at all. It means that there are different needs for a host. And just because you're not the host anymore does not mean you're unneeded. You are still a very important piece/part, just as everyone in the system is important. All that's happening is your purpose is changing. You'll be helping more on the inside than the outside, and that's perfectly fine.

Perhaps you can take this chance to get to know your inside world a bit better? Maybe even find some things out that you didn't know before? Talk to other parts a bit more or something? You could even ask if you can design your own room inside and such.

I am sorry that you're upset, but try to take comfort in the fact that this is happening for reasons of change. It is not happening because of anything you did/didn't do, it is not your fault, and I doubt you did anything wrong. I hope you feel better soon.

~Marie

I know I'm not dying really, it has just felt that way, as if my lights are going to go out.
It is just because I have been the biggest part for so long and am changing as a result, so its frightening. I know the theory, but the practice I'm finding difficult to go through all the emotions.

Yes I'm an ingredient and part of the pudding just takes time getting used too as I thought I was the whole pudding. I don't like change..
And yes I think I'm an alter myself, now I can compare myself to 'the rest'. Just don't feel like giving up my role, cus they needed me, don't know if I'll be needed anymore. I feel like a rubbish host. I hope they'll all be okay without me being host anymore. I just wish I could have done more for them.

I think what I need to do is concentrate more on the system, rather than just me the alter. And see what's good for the system and go with what the system wants.

Thanks for your words, they mean a lot. And good common sense when I'm open to it

-- Tue Nov 13, 2012 10:59 pm --

Whatsmore I think Rage is trying to assert himself much more now and be host!! Imagine rage as a host.. Not good.. I feel he's the next strongest that's why, I think the rest of us will need to control him or something.

(Excuse me while I express some feelings.. And ramble away..)

I don't wanna merge, I don't wanna merge
Is it gonna be painful..
This is the worst thing to happen to me,
I'm not gonna merge, it will be too painful

New memories, new experiences, new touch, too much sensitivity, seeing more light, hearing sound more, knowing more information. How can I handle it..

I know I should merge..
It's the unknown I don't like the unknown, like stepping off the end of the world and falling through the clouds. Will I get overloaded..

Will the merge happen slowly, when will it happen.. Who will I see first?
I don't wanna be taken away..
No merging for host, host don't wanna integrate. Me like being host, just host, no others. There was no others before.
I hope it will be quick!

I'll still be here, just with the others.
I'll still be here.. Just not the biggest part, I should make room for the others.

My dear, it doesn't sound like you are merging (forgive me if I am wrong). Merging is like integration, it is when you become one or more alters. What you're describing sounds more like a host change, or like you're system is creating a "common room", where they are able to be "with" you, up front, instead of always in the background. Do you have good communication with your alters? Are you able to go "inside" easily? Can you see your alters "inside"? If not, or if you can't do it well, then your system may be creating a "common room" to help with that. Now that you're aware of your alters, they do not have to hide in the background anymore, they can be in the same "place" of your mind as you are. I hope this is making sense.

If you're still going to be there, but you're going to be there with the others instead of just yourself, that sounds more like you're going to share the same space and be more aware of each other, which isn't the same as integration or merging. If you were integrating, you wouldn't still be there by yourself with others around you, you'd be mixed with one/some/all of the others. What you're describing sounds more like the others are "moving in" with you, into the same space you occupy in the mind, and because of this, you'll be more aware of each other and everything about each other (including memories). There might be a host change happening as well, but if Rage is not fit to be host, then I don't know if the system will let him be host. Systems try to choose hosts that are as functional and "even-keeled" as possible. If you have concerns about this, perhaps try talking or writing to other alters and seeing if they can help you in preventing this? From what I have read on the "Adult Topic", it does not sound like M would let Rage be the host.

As I said before, just because you are not the host does not mean you are unneeded. The only thing that's happening here is change. Instead of having duties and being helpful on the outside, you're going to be able to help from the inside now. And again, this is not your fault. Host changes are not anyone's fault. It is simply a change of needs, a change of situation, a change of environment, that calls for a change of host. It is not because you were a bad host or anything like that. On the contrary, you got them this far, you got yourself this far, you made some progress while you were the host, that's accomplishment and success right there.

As far as your emotional rant goes, remember, you've lived the worst of your life already, when the splits actually happened. You've survived all this time with them in the background, I know you're strong enough to survive letting them come forward a bit and sharing space with them. And they'll be there to help you if needed as well, just as they've always been. Together, you can all get through this, you are all strong enough, both individually and as a group.

~Marie

A common room
Where there's space
I dont wanna be where there's space!
I'm used to my tight space.
You mean I'll have to 'share' space
I've never had space before. I don't know if there's room for more.
Will the more like me.
The more are gonna be with me soon.
What if there's plenty and not just more.
What if there's plenty!!
How will I cope with plenty!!
I don't wanna go to the common room,
I just have my own room.

There might be other hosts?
I won't be host no more then?
What if furys the host, will I have to share a place with fury?
Fury doesn't like me at all!

The inside is coming to get me,
There's more of them, I'm just one on my own.

There's gonna be more stuff in the room,
How will I cope with more space! There's gonna be an expansion Argh.

Host has been bad,
They need a change of host, probably a good host
Or a better host
I don't like space, space is bad
Tightness is good. Host likes tight spaces.
Host is afraid, afraid of space
No space, no space, no space, no more space...