Having difficulty describing a certain feeling..help please

Hi all- First post here. I am very certain I have some sort of dissociative type disorder going on. My psychiatrist (I have Bipolar 1) seems to agree, although he has not pursued it much. In all fairness, he recommended me to a PTSD specialist and I turned it down. I have been having some things happening. These have been getting more intense over time.

First, under stress, or evening thinking about stressful situations, I get a very strange sensation- almost like a dizzy feeling in my head only. My vision seems to vibrate, it is almost impossible to focus or think, and sometimes I find myself not really being the one thinking (I have that weird feeling right now!!). For example, I was talking with someone over the weekend. And out of nowhere, I get the feeling, and then "I" am sitting in the back of my mind just letting something else do the talking for me. I even thought to myself "whoa, do I really sound like that?" and "I'm just going to listen and let him do the work". It felt like I was inside myself in a way I suppose.

Something else happens too. In the past, someone mentioned something to me that reminded me of a very very stressful thing that happened to me. This happened at about 8:30pm. Next thing I know, it was an hour later and I was sitting eating ice cream and watching t.v.! And then that whole series of events was blocked until the next afternoon.

There have been a few other similar events, all of which are very scary to me. There are several other things going on too. I am very uncomfortable with all this, I just want it to go away. Any advice?

Welcome, walden

I have a question: does it just feel like you're not doing the thinking and talking, but you're still in control of what you're saying, or are you really not doing it, and yet your mouth is still talking without you telling it what to say? It might be a little hard to tell, at first, but I'm asking because there's a difference.

Feeling like you're not doing the talking or doing something can be depersonalization. But during that feeling, if you try to move a body part a certain way, or say a certain phrase, you'll be able to do it.

Really not being in control of your body, while someone else appears to be, and "hearing" (in your mind) thoughts that you aren't thinking... that has to be Dissociative Identity Disorder. It used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder With D.I.D., you can get the feeling of sinking back into your mind, while someone else takes over (called co-consciousness). You can also have blackouts (getting upset, then coming-to an hour later), while your other parts (alters) do things (eating ice cream and watching tv).

D.I.D. is also kind of on the same line as PTSD. It's a way the mind copes with trauma. There are a lot of other things that come with this, so the "several other things" that you mentioned might be related.

Does this sound right? Do you have any questions? There's also a D.I.D. forum on this site, if you would like to check it out, and maybe ask questions over there...? dissociative-identity/

Hello canolime, and thank you.

To answer your question, I don't think I had the control to take over like you describe. I say this because during that episode, I didn't know what I was saying. I heard myself talking, but I was just laying back and going for the ride in my mind. I think I know the feeling you mean of being in control and just feeling distant. I can do that almost on command now. Honestly, it feels good to feel that, and to not have to take control all the time.

I do have a question. It seems like I am seeing this coming. I don't know too much about this type of disorder, but don't these things typically come on very quickly? All my experiences have been coming to a head for a while now. Am I safe from it getting worse?

Yeah, when it happens to me, I don't know what "I'm" going to be saying either. Only a psych can diagnose you, so I obviously can't say if you have it or not. I will explain a little about how it works, though...

It's not like a disease. Basically, when a child goes through something too traumatic for them to handle, their personality can split. That way, they can better deal with what has happened to them, because they are separating their memories and emotions into different alters (alternate personalities). This protects the child's sanity, because at least part of them can continue on like the trauma never happened (because that part of them won't remember it). If you do have more than one personality, you've had them since you were little... it's just more obvious now, because once most of the danger of whatever happened is gone, the personalities can show themselves more. While the trauma was going on, alters usually have to hide themselves, so people around them won't notice. Once the person is more ready to deal with whatever happened, the memories of the trauma will slowly come back.

Like I said, it's not like a disease. It's kind of like having more than one person in a body (but they were all part of one personality, at one point). The other personalities were/are there to protect the person. Alters are usually sensitive and obviously hurt, since they took a lot of bad stuff for the "main" personality, and need to be treated like any other person (because they are real). It gets a lot easier to manage if you can start talking with the alters, and get to know each other. And with talking/getting to know them comes more co-consciousness, which is better than blacking out

There's quite a bit more to explain, but maybe I should give you some links to articles or something, instead of typing it out.

Thank you for the info on all this. This is all making a bit of sense now, I appreciate that. Feels good to vent about this a bit too lol!

So you can relate? When you were young, did you ever sort of "space out" for a length of time? I had a few instances of that when I was probably 8-12 years old. Actually, it still happens. I could be doing anything from having a conversation to something active. I would just black out. Or am I just a space shot? I have also had a similar thing happen, but during that time, I would continue to talk with someone. I would then come to and find myself in a conversation! I think that if it hadn't been pointed out to me a few times, I would never have known it occurred.

walden wrote:So you can relate?

Yeah

As for spacing out, goodness... I've done it since forever, and it happens more and more I wonder how much of the day I'm actually present

If you're suddenly waking up in the middle of a conversation, someone else (an alter) was probably the one who was having the conversation, and you just popped back in

canolime wrote:

walden wrote:So you can relate?

Yeah

As for spacing out, goodness... I've done it since forever, and it happens more and more I wonder how much of the day I'm actually present

If you're suddenly waking up in the middle of a conversation, someone else (an alter) was probably the one who was having the conversation, and you just popped back in

Seems like I've been spacing out more and more too. I'm getting that feeling just thinking about it. There's something in my mind that seems to scream and feel angry lately. It's not me, its inside. And I dont feel angry. And I'm completely aware of this, and its only getting more frequent. Any thoughts on this? Something trying to be heard? What do I do besides try and push it back down?

walden wrote:There's something in my mind that seems to scream and feel angry lately. It's not me, its inside. And I dont feel angry. And I'm completely aware of this, and its only getting more frequent. Any thoughts on this? Something trying to be heard? What do I do besides try and push it back down?

That sounds like an alter. You never want to "push it back down". You wouldn't want someone ignoring your screams, would you?

Could you try asking him/her what's wrong? Just uh... I don't know how your inner world works. Can you "see" inside? There should be a room or a house or something, that you can "see" inside of your head... I know - sounds weird Maybe just yell (by yell, I mean internally... like thoughts) out a "Hello? Is anyone there? I can hear you screaming. Are you okay?". Introduce yourself, and ask what their name is. See if he/she says something.

Yes! I have always pictured an old colonial era house. Lots of dim lights, rooms, and corners. Ive had recurring dreams of walking thru it. I see lots of vague shapes in my head. I almost feel like they move sometimes?

And some days, I see my emotions on a man's face inside my head. I'm looking up towards the left side of his face. And I feel bad when he grimaces when something he doesn't like happens. A couple days ago, he grimaced, and I flinched physically when I "saw" it. I can describe his face perfectly. Oy, looks like I have a long row to hoe eh?

walden wrote:Yes! I have always pictured an old colonial era house. Lots of dim lights, rooms, and corners.

Those probably weren't dreams. I mean, you were sleeping, but you probably really were walking through the internal house. Someone on the dissociative identity disorder forum was actually talking about visiting in dreams.

walden wrote:And some days, I see my emotions on a man's face inside my head. I'm looking up towards the left side of his face. And I feel bad when he grimaces when something he doesn't like happens. A couple days ago, he grimaced, and I flinched physically when I "saw" it. I can describe his face perfectly.

Have you tried talking to him? You probably can Is he always there? Ask him what his name is.

walden wrote:Oy, looks like I have a long row to hoe eh?

Long, yes... but it doesn't have to be bad