wancting to kill your abuser

i am new on here but i wanted to know, does anyone else have thoughts/fantasies of killing their abuser?
i think about it every day, and i have this whole plan in my head. i'm not normally a violent person at all. but when it comes to him i just want him dead so badly. but i don't want him to die naturally, i want to do it myself and i want him to suffer the way he has made me suffer.
i know this sounds totally crazy, and i have only ever told my sister. but does anyone understand how i feel?
i have so much anger inside and as i said before i am not a violent person so the only way i can get it out is by self injuring.
i would really appreciate any thoughts on this subject.
millie x

You are not alone in this. I have had many thoughts of how i could kill my abusers. Please visit the SI forum and keep safe. You have been hurt enough, you dont deserve to hurt anymore.

Cracked

I've thought about this a lot before, too, and had many violent fantasies about it. Sometimes I wonder why I have to suffer daily, still, years after the abuse stopped, when they're still alive and well.

Then I found out that my first abuser is very slowly dying from diabetes. He's lost one foot, and I really hope he doesn't lose the other, as the nerves in it are constantly sending pain messages to his brain.

CrackedGirl wrote: You have been hurt enough, you dont deserve to hurt anymore.

This is so worth repeating. I hope you find an alternative that doesn't hurt you. Perhaps you could try writing out the violence, and then burning or tearing up the paper afterwards?

unfortunately self injury has become not just a coping mechansim for me, but an addiction also. i've been doing it for 6 years so it's gonna be a hard thing to stop. but i am trying, i've gotten it down to about once a week. i have tried writing it down before. didn't really do much for me :/
x

I self harmed in one way or another for 26 years and have not self harmed for 6 months now, and I dont want to. I was also addicted to it, esp cutting. You can get there.

Thinking of you

Cracked

Such feelings are normal don't blame yourself. These fantasies are repressed anger and rage inside you, its perfectly normal. Not crazy at all! I go through the same thing, I too have got so much hate inside of me.

Trust your feelings if you feel anger or rage its because its due, don't repress it! The monster deserves your anger and rage. Let it out don't repress, don't listen to people who say "you shouldn't feel this or that" those are YOUR feelings and they are never wrong!

Its okay to feel angry and in rage, its perfectly normal and it doesn't make u a violent person, don't think that! Self injury is because you blame yourself, deep down you do, just one of many self destruct activities abuse victims find shelter in. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! The person who did this to you is EVIL thats as simple as it gets and its true.

If you are not away from the toxic person yet it would be most wise to cut contact and start the healing process.

Good luck!

'Wanting to kill your abuser'

Yep definately with you on this one.

I've never wanted to kill her. I've wanted her to die or just leave so she could stop dragging my family down, but I've never personally imagined killing her myself. Maybe at one point in time I've imagined hurting her, hitting her, etc, but killing not so much.
Though, I definitely don't fault anyone for ever imagining such a thing about someone who's wronged you greatly.

Yes I've thought about killing my abuser. The pain and anger inside me is still as fresh as the first day the abuse started. I still feel like I can't breathe and live a happy life. He showed me what hell is like. It's a battle with myself every ######6 day to try to build myself up from scratch to get back everything he took from me. I struggle to not wish death upon him. When it comes down to it, God is going to deal with him in the end......

Yup me too. I have often fantasied about killing her. She is so happy to, unaffected.