wancting to kill your abuser

To be honest, only recently have I started having thoughts and wishing that my abuser was dead.

I never really wanted to kill him, myself, I just wanted him to be dead, or to be in a much worse situation than I. I don't keep contact with him anymore, and I'm assuming that he's already been in jail or had worse consequences because he's always had a lot of run-ins with the law other than abusing me and some others... But still. I haven't really thought about it until I was in hospital, and then I wanted him dead.

You definitely are not alone!

First post, i would like to participate, interact and get involved in different ways on many subjects given my newly discovered value on sharing and listening/reading about them, both for my own personal growth and the possibility that one more shared perspective and experience may contribute in any way to someone else's journey. It was this specific subject of "wanting to kill your abuser" than drove me to create an account and share this part of my mind as currently explored.

Not sure the best way to go about it since in my case i do not identify a single event or repetition of an event by a single person or members of a household to be the origin of all my.. issues?, past situations that i've aknowledge still affect me?, in any case, i'll try to focus on this particular subject and will consider writing a post with a more extended story as i have come to understand it.

My father would be the target of my worse, there is no single cook in the soup of mess of my life in my past, but i would identify him as a main chef even if the interest was lost. My parents divorced since i was a year old because of his pattern of 'falling in love' fairly quickly with the next younger pretty girl that fell for his charming ways, weekend visits to him and his family continued until last time i saw him in person when i was 10 years old when my mother and i first moved to a different city not too far away. It was on the drive to the new city that she asked how often i wanted to go back to visit him, i broke down in tears for hours not willing to say or think of a good excuse, i promised myself i would never go back and if i did would be as a grown man and then i would be able to sort things out, but then i spent my life forgetting about him and many other things. As a teenager instead of realizing my behaviour was wrong and a result of many underlaying issues i interpreted it as moving on, and that moving past my traumas was achieved by forgetting, and that the forgetting must have been done successfully since i had actually managed to erase completely the image of him(or block) from my memory to the point that even if itried i couldn't bring it back. It was not until recently that different changes in both my life and perspective have triggered memories that helped unresolved issues surface thus allowing me to see just how blind i have been in some ways that affect my whole interpretation of what is considered reality.

I notice now how to -perceive- one has gained or improved the abilities to move on, be functional, positive, hopeful, loving and emphatic, manage emotions and be mindful time perspective positively whenever possible, it all matters little if one does not untie the knots in the past, if one just triple bags the trash but never takes it out, perhaps one shuts a closet door to forever hide a skeleton while that closet has doors on both sides so now we'll not be able to access an area or is the only way to the attic. I notice now how because i considered myself an individual who is more comfortable on the introspective side and felt somewhat analytical has in a way contributed to fool myself on what i thought i knew, including my conclusions, resolutions, and just how it all affected not only my interpretation of the past but my general interpretation of reality and any concept known or learned.

The specific trigger for the feeling and thinking of killing my father was seeing a picture of him, i must say i found it looking for it as an addition to my newly surfaced issues, but with no real expectation on finding it since he does not have much of a online social life and there are no current images to be found except that one, i imagined he is not ###$ up only in the way i know but probably has more reasons not to be found by others. One recent single picture was what i found, he appears smiling with his hand placed on the shoulder of a kid who looks about 10 years old who is probably his son, the image was uploaded of all days, on my birth day.

Now, besides the repressed feelings and thoughts of abuse and neglect that just the image by itself urges to bring back if i am to continue on this path to understand myself, the fact that i have no single memory of him ever having any regrets, any real interest in being a father or friend to me or attempting to reach out to me in any way, and the fact that i believe nobody really knows how he really is and what he is capable of besides his victims, which i should mention i know to not be the only one because one of them told me about it... It was that seeminlgy happy face, the date in which he posted the picture, that felt as sprinkled down like powdered poison over that cold soup of mess and filth left on my mind. I have turned on the burners now, no longer i should hide the smell and forget that is there by searching and adding strong scents and flavors to my diet, by choking on unhealty extremes of sweets and exotic mind altering findings, let the vapors of that which permeated my core boil off and slowly suffocate to death whoever it must.

I have thought of family and public embarrassment for him should do, but having no proof and promising the other victim that im aware of to never mention her case since it affects many more people around us and knowing she does not want to, seems like it could be harder on us and family than on him to do so. I consider the fact that i am actually able to smoke him out of this life or slowly roast him to death without being directly involved by means of a 'proxy' who knows the ways and means. I consider all the other people who could have been hurt. I consider how likely it is that he coukd by now have changed, be still the same or worse.

So far the scale still tilts towards taking his life, still as as meaningless picture, still as goodbye.

Yep, definitely.

When I was a teenager, I used to fantasize about them dying in a car accident so I could escape the hell I lived in. Even prayed for it.

When married to my ex, used to watch the arvo news, or morning news, depending on when he was at work, watching for accident reports, and if one had happened on his route to work, I'd hope almost pray that it would be him, only to feel really guilty for feeling that way and disappointed when I'd hear his steps on the stairs and go into a full-blown panic attack (every time) because he was home again and I was so scared of what he was going to do to me this time/what was his mood going to be like this time etc...

Had fantasies of having magic powers and being able to make them all disappear. Having magic powers and forcing them to undergo the torture they subjected me to.

After leaving him, and being "safe", I've had many fantasies of the "wanting to kill your abusers" in nature. With my ex, I think it is mostly because I want to know that he is gone and can't hurt me anymore (I moved far-far away to escape him). He gets to live in the same area, have all his friends (when mine tried to convince me into going back), gets to have a wonderful and happy life when I live in hiding and fear that one day I will walk out the front door to never walk again. Although, I'm sure with all his connections (he's into stuff he really shouldn't be), he will get himself murdered one day by crossing the wrong person or getting into some altercation because of his alliances, or end up in jail.

Have had fantasies more recently about some of my childhood abusers suffering unimaginably. Hate myself for it and feel guilty.

Hence why I love Dexter. Fell in love with him in the first season, the ultimate boyfriend.

I, too, have thought about killing my abusers, although I haven't thought such things in several years now. When I first starting speaking about the abuse I had endured as a child, I would sit alone most of the day and night and fantasize about how I could sneak into their houses in the middle of the night, undetected, and with a short background in law enforcement, I could negotiate scenarios in which I could make certain things look like an accident, or a simple home burglary gone wrong. I spent time plotting my revenge, and I was surely going to brutalize those people much in the same manner they physical and sexually tortured me as an innocent child. Heck, I was going to make certain I got even and then some extra credit. I had a hatred pumping through my veins for my abusers for many years.

Today, I don't care enough about those scumbags to even want to think about them, let alone kill them. I wish I could admit that I don't always think about them, because that would be untrue. The reality is that I don't think I've gone a single day in my entire adult life without thinking of the abuse I endured as a child, how my abusers dominated me, and the shame, guilt, anger, rage, despair linked to such a traumatic childhood.

I do know one thing for sure, when I stopped obsessing over how to get back at my abusers, it gave me time to work on my own journey toward healing and recovery. I'm still a very angry man, no question about it, but nowadays I try to channel that anger in positive directions that will credit my own healing.

I'm not a religious man, but I do believe in "the next place," and I hope when our abusers cross over to that next dimension, they'll be treated just a harshly in that new world as they treated us when we entered this one.

Knowledge is revenge. Healing is revenge. Loving and protecting children is revenge. Exposing abusers is revenge. Loving ourselves is revenge.

Good luck and best regards,
Jack

I come from a very dysfunctional family, and was abused by both parents. The worst part was that from the outside we seemed like the "perfect little family", so nobody ever tried to help me.

My mom died when I was 16 due to cancer. So that only leaves my father. One down, one to go. Ive fatasized about how I could kill him, but I dont know if I could actually bring myself to do it, and I know theres too high a chance that I wouldnt get away with it, so I wouldnt risk the rest of my life for that asshole. He's wrecked enough of my life, I'm not giving him the rest. So I resort to checking the newspaper for news of fatalities and hoping that one day soon it will be him...

I personally have thought about this more times than I can count. This asshole costed me my childhood and all the happiness and naivete that childhood should have- christ, what other twelve year old is taken shopping for pajamas and has to choose the ones that tie tight, not because they "look cute" but because they have a chance of prolonging the inevitable?!?!?!? I would love to say that I'm rehabilitated. That I'm happy. That everything is ######6 sunshine and kittens since I left home. In a word, it isn't. I still have dreams that leave me waking up in tears, I still have flashbacks wherever I am, be it work or home or wherever, that leave me with my fists and teeth clenched in a rage. I have developed a seemingly bottomless wellspring of anger that ten years of abuse has caused, and I still have a burning desire to make this pitiful #####& beg for his life, and then beg to die, because I know that that is the only scenario that would cause him to see the error of his ways. In truth, the only two things keeping me from killing him are my boyfriend and the fact that if there is the SLIGHTEST chance that I would get caught, I wouldn't do it because I will not sacrifice my freedom for him- he has taken too much away from me already. I know that people are supposed to forgive their abusers, to make amends- well, I can't, and I never will.

I felt like, and fantasized about torturing and killing my abusers slowly, because of the pain they've caused me. It's not bad on you, its the anger of everything they've done to you coming into your mind. You deserve better than the pain they caused you. Don't act upon it though, you don't want to mess up your life over your abuser, you don't want to let them win.

It's hard to deal with such thoughts. Though I'd not tell too many people outside your therapist about it, it might give people the wrong impression.

No, I never thought that, when he was alive I really had no sense of self, I didn't even think I had the right to say NO to anyone!!! (If that makes sense to anyone)
The helplessness and rage that this person had made me feel, and that I felt that I had no right to confront this monster, I found out that he was telling everyone that I had lied that he had not done anything to me!!!! That's when I confronted him and told him how he had destroyed my life and that I would never be the person I was supposed to be, that I had tried to kill myself since I was 12 years old and you know what, IT empowered me!!and I saw him for the cowardly cur that he was!!!!
It started me on the road of being able to have a voice to have the right to say No, that everyone has that right.
Death by my hand would have been much to quick and humane for this nasty piece of s*^t he is slowly burning in hell right now.
Your in my thoughts, hoped this helped.

Not just kill, I want to torture them....

I only recently allowed myself to start remembering I was molested as a kid, and since then I've wanted to do so much more than kill the guy who did this to me. Especially when I think about and realize how much this has effected my life. I just wish I would allow myself to remember who did it so I could at least go to the police and report it, to help prevent him from doing it to others. You are definitely not alone in wanting to hurt your abuser, most people would want to hurt someone who hurt them so bad. I know I have always had a severe hatred and anger towards sexual abusers, especially pedophiles, but I didn't know why until recently. Every time I heard a story about them I always wished and still do that the death penalty would be an option for such people. You can't hurt a murder victim once they are dead, but an abuse victim potentially has a life sentence from that moment forward.