Update to goals; second goals update…
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1. Soulmate construct development.
I am working with God; God comes first. All things are and were taken to God…
In some social areas; I have ignored people… And at times they take notice of me out of curiosity. And from their Ive noticed they may have an interest and curiosity.
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I have taken all things to God… and I work with God first… and Im watching energies surfacing. Im an observer. I know nothing or very little within reality. I am observing and watching.
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I have talked with a several and developed some social skills that have not been unnoticed by others in the group. I have a small bit of a reputation with a few it seems; thats the way I see it within my imagination. That is what Ive witnessed in the real world…
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I might glance at a person and then take that to God and many ideas and concepts build within my imagination under God through prayer and meditation and writing new stories of my life with a person or a soulmate.
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Im guessing most of the time of what might be going on in the real world. But for the most part I don’t talk to anyone and I don’t talk about these inner feelings or curiosities.
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If the universe is building something within and underneath; it is private and kept to myself… Hidden deeply into the sphere of the universe.
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I have made basic innocent contact with some a few times… its cordial and casual. I have collected a few phone numbers and names.
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Some have abandon the idea of being around me before I could call these numbers. Some have gone and some stayed.
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I have called some of these numbers. I did not get call backs. In some specific areas I text 1 message to say hello. And surprised; in an extended amount of time through the days.. I was surprised when I received a text back. The texts are basic; just an acknowledgment that they did receive a text and to have a nice day. Ive not text them since.
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Thus; Ill take all of these to the universe and ask the universe; “ What do I do next universe to practice and learn”; So the universe has reviewed some of these people and for some; a favorable outcome concerning their neutral positions. What does this mean; it means take all things to God and stay to myself. Or take a break and go away for awhile and meditate with God. And work with God until God tells me to continue at the next level.
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So; I moved to the next level working with God but have not been back to any real social areas. I; staying to myself; disappeared. I went off onto my own life and am communicating with God universe for the next step of development with God; and that is happening now.
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I am seeing favorable movement of development into the next level of internal spiritual growth with God and concerning the curious natures of soulmate concepts.\.
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My ability to learn how to function on planet earth is my most pressing concern of these matters.
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Do I really have any specific people yet concerning any form of relationships; NO! However; I feel I am observing the outside world and observing my inner self; internally learning and absorbing the basics on how to live out in life.
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I learn a little everyday; Im satisfied. I spend allot of my time silently around others or Im with myself talking and working with God all day long.
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What was the next step I took; I took the idea of some people; were they favorable people to associate with or was I off the mark. In some cases; They were not safe people to associate with. In some cases; the outcome looks more favorable to approach them in general...
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My life is more of a private affair that is kept silent. I do talk to a few people on the outside of the earth.
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I loose nothing because I am with God. God builds things within myself through my imagination. I imagine many things and keep to myself. I stay to myself.
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I have moved on since last week, last month; last year...

[ Continued ]

Goals; update;
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The goal is a drum room; Ill keep looking into it…
Drumming everyday until its all I want to do all day long
Soulmate; All I can see; things are maybe looking; The door is opening; to what yet.? . I wont say anymore then that; I don’t know… I just don’t know. But I know……
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Car; it was mentioned by a close person; Laws of attraction; Ill pray and write stories; maybe. I have to believe...
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Bike; I want a new bike… Im a mountain biker; been that way for 25 years…
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Sometimes; a bike can cost as much as a newer car; so……
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Family; creating a family… Hmmmm………. All I have to do is believe… things are…….? Could be… I wont say; I don’t know… Im watching right now! Im just watching… watching inside my self… I know but I don’t; but I don’t want to say…
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Money
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Place to shoot off fireworks; Got it. Wont worry about a family members house where I will never be invited. And more n more they arnt really like family…
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Revealing God; seeking God…
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Manifesting through God; Trusting God; Trusting the process; its sounds like a truly incredible thing; would never even consider it with out at least 5 different 12 step fellowships where I could visit meetings any time during the day and supper time… and early morning. I need all the support I can get to learn how to live out here in society land.
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Right now; Im learning how to believe.
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Im learning to pray on my knees to the cross and letting anything from God; God wants to bring; God brings; let it fall from the tree into my realm and I stay out of it; out of the outcome; Just keep getting on my knees to the realm and shrine of God; and start with that… and just keep doing it over n over n over… Focus only on the cross and nothing more; no other thoughts then the intent.
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Meditation.
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I have about 10 prayers from the AA Big Book; and I use all of them one way or another; reciting them to myself all day long…
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Bikes; Im getting on fixed; but I want another; I just do; can I justify the price; NO! But YES; Ill have to take it to God… and let God manifest it. Amen.
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So; hanging on to God right now; learning to manifest through the cross of Christ… That means I bow down before it and pray and just sit before it; I imagine the shrine of God is on a mountain top and Im at the bottom of the mountain; the steep cliffs… Im on the ground; the shore… Im looking up then my head bows down in reference as I burry it in front of me with my hands palm out onto the ground; and I pray by Thanking God a million times over n over; And “ Your will Go not mine”; I million times over n over n over; and I attempt to clear my mind and see only the cross above me within my imagination.
I am to humble myself to my God; And by doing so anytime Im in trouble; by praying first before I imagine a thing; putting the horse before the cart; I will imagine it; the feeling; and I know in the spirit world what I want; and when I feel that desire; I get on my knees first before I think anymore about it; and pray to the cross… And let God do his work. And he is…. And let it go and wait…
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And miraculous stuff is what Im waiting to see… Ive seen things unfold when Im praying the way Im suppose to…
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Im learning how to manifest right now; to really believe…
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Take God with me; Ill need to; Things are changing.
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Things are changing….
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Women;
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Ive gone way past….. into another realm.
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Ive been interacting and growing and being show’n how to grow up and understand and communicate the language of women. Ive become a little popular… and Ive touched allot of hands and had allot of hugs… “ Friends for life” “ Friends for life”. This is how girl( women) talk! And they touch allot… But then I want to touch back… I streak my fingers against their skin… building momentum is easy…
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And then come the other girls; The ones I went up to; and they began to minister to me and hypn...

[ Continued ]

Relational development; It is beginning to form;
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Soulmate;
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The beginning of Relational developmental practice…..
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Ill assume Im completely dating someone We are together… I will assume we are together in my imagination and ill write stories about it on paper over n over n over… amen. A thousand times as if we are already dating.
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Im working with the laws of attraction. The idea is to build up the momentum and energy from the universe for a soulmate.
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In the present right now;
After several months; working with the universe; Ive kind uv found a person Im going to use as a representation of what I would be looking for in the real world as a soulmate; I believe strongly the universe has created this situation for me to get some ideas of what im looking for in a soulmate for the future.
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In reality; Im to new to this process; and cant rely on any one person I know as someone who is actually my soulmate or interested in me. I don’t know anyone who is interested in me; atleast that would qualify for a soulmate or girlfriend.
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So; working with the universe having permission from the universe; Ill use this women Ive seen before , someone Ive met; Ive been around for a few months; I don’t talk to her. She does not necessarily seem interested in me in anyway. She has been polite one time I had a short short banter of words with. However; there is something about her; I cant put my fingers on it…
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For some reason working with the universe; she seems to be a closer fit; type of person to imagine Im looking for.
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So; Ill call her M.
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So; Ill write stories about M and Myself; How we met how we are dating; are physical intimacy together and how we communicate. Ill build a relationship on paper so much so; that it appears to be real. Until I convince myself and the universe it is real…
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NOTE; One goal of all this; for me to believe. For; believing first is the ingredient for success later.
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However; What is real about this person that I would consider them a prototype? I don’t know; maybe the frequency; Either way; Ill use this situation as a frame work. I seriously do not see myself ever talking to this real person ever again. Im not treated very well by them.
They are a kind of popular person. So; Im kind of unnoticed. Maybe its better that way. I have this feeling; this is what the universe wants. . I experienced a very short connection with them; maybe a minute and it was over for ever. However; I understand how the universe works; and I did gather up enough information to use as a starting point of what I might want to see in a soulmate.
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Its a starting place.
I did get an introduction with this person; shook her hand; had a few pleasant words with her and it reminded me of connection; general connection. So. Ill just fly with that to start with… Ill go with that.

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Strange; I can kind of feel it; it feels kind of normal; strangely normal to use that person as a prototype for future relationship information. A general plan of what Im looking for. I believe surely The universe allowed me to bump into this person and feel this kind of equal -ness of frequency;
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What I know about all this; Laws of attraction… Well; I believe Im at another juncture. Ive advanced through the ranks of interacting with women at different stages. Im starting to see that the universe made me attractive for these purposes. However; suddenly they are starting fade away; the women are disippearing; they have gone their own way and Im of no more interest or attraction; Nothing.
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A Nudge from the Universe;
However; also in this plan; I met some new people; and it is those new people Im getting the nudge by the universe to create a prototype of my favorable relational interactions with someone; People Ive interacted with; some behaviors about them I like…
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So; it looks like Ive got a prototype.
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Ill write storie...

[ Continued ]

Still single. Lol. By choice.

This guy who is hanging around seems like a good person. That's all good and everything. But I have moved on from any romantic feelings for him. I cared for him at one point. He didn't feel the same way, and it stings having to admit that. That I hung on to him, with hope of him caring for me eventually. We communicated. People now don't talk, they text. But it all came out. He was upset because I was not interested in what he had to offer, which was nothing in the form of caring for me romantically. I was kinda over him. When you don't receive love, loving moments, a desire of loving and caring for you, other things, you long for it and you come empty-handed, this drives you somewhere where you have to face the truth. I talked, I was honest, very upfront. I held nothing back. I answered. Eventually, because my heart loved him. Eventually, I moved on. I am not sad. I was at first, a long time ago. I even held on to being with him even though I knew he didn't feel the same way. It took a little bit of time, but I don't have any feelings for him. I stopped dwelling on him, on us. I push away feelings or thoughts of remembering how things were with him. I don't care if maybe I'm repressing. I don't think I am, just push away thoughts and think on something else. Because he is still in my life, he sticks around, it's hard to have him completely disappear from my life. We still get together, but I have no feelings for him. And I stick to that, It took me time to get to this point, I don't want to "go there." To go to a place that I will want a man who doesn't want me as his mate, as someone he loves. I don't want to seek someone for me anymore. I give up on wanting someone to love me. When I see lovers or couples, I no longer envy them or wish in my heart I had a man to love me. He doesn't exist. And I've come to that conclusion in my heart too. I just don't care anymore. It does hurt to think on this at times, but having a little cry at that moment, and just wiping my tears, I recollect myself, and I'm a big girl. I just get "over it." I get over it almost instantly. I am indifferent now. I've heard that anger is actual love for a person you love. You still love them. Indifference is moving on. I am indifferent by my mind knowing he doesn't love me. And my heart is at peace and has moved on as well. I am no longer thinking on it. I am not upset he still talks to me. I will have to be the one to eventually tell him to also move on. I don't care for a so called "friendship." We were more at one point. And I don't want him in my life so much. I am not friends with guys who were romantically involved with me. That is an answer, "What does quietgirl want?" I don't want him in my life as much or not at all. Now it's his turn to get a clue. It's not an easy thing to do, because I'm "so nice." But quietgirl needs to take care of herself. I need to be the one to push him away because he's not for me. I'm not interested in a friendship. The end. (For today, that is.)

Ive been working toward this while mentally ill for half my life and its taken that long for this one moment to occur.
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Played the piano at the church lunch in for the poor drugged out homeless population…
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Whats important; several things.
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1. Ill playing something I wrote and wrote down and my own lyrics… finished enough; took me about 10 minutes.
2. I had to ask the church to play the piano; I had to go back in and ask them to sing to my song… and that was brutal. I felt like I was going to drop over dead.. I felt like walking death it was so hard; Authorities in control where I have no control and they control my fate. I have serious mental break downs and can not do this kind of thing but I did it…
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Well; I did perform the piece; and it went OK. And it sounded amateurish on all fronts from piano to singing and song writing. But I did it..
I played the song on all white keys…
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I made sure the singing was loud enough that I could say I sung that song; I really did sing it; it wasn't murmur or whisper. I made sure to put out some volume on some of it.
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Ill be creating another song for tomorrow; and Ill grow from all of this and see where it all leads me Amen.
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