What to do..
Postby catgirl » Fri Jun 06, 2008 9:16 am

I have been in a relationship for a long time and I feel like it will never progress to the next level. I have a lot of baggage that I got therapy for so I know that It has not been easy for him. His parents think that we broke up a long time ago. He dosent talk about me, and when they come from out of town I leave the house because they dont know we live together. I feel like he is ashamed of me and that he will always treat me like I am a secret. Am I wasting my time? I feel like my self esteem has drastically declined over the past few months because this is really getting to me. Thanks 4 listening..

Things are changing; they are creeping in; my new life; new possibilities if I play my cards right; Im getting closer to the development of a concrete part of life that seeps into the empty spaces and creates a solidness.. Its all leading to confidence. This confidence comes from many things; many developments and much experiences that meld together to bring a person into his own. And that is what is happening for me.
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Im at the very very beginning of this brutal undertaking; but its real. Its the beginning of confidences.. I can feel myself rise..
The most important aspect of this; All changes occurred after starting recovery work… Nothing that is happening is credited to anyone from my past.. ( My cousin Tina; Rest her soul; she can have credit for loving me when I was a little boy. May she rest in peace; She helped me; she may be the only one.
I loved my cousin). The beginning of my life; It cannot be accredited to anyone from my beginning life; from the past. ( their were a few friends from the south side; they were not stuckup; they actually cared about what happened to me; or they thought about me; what happened to me). That means theirs a very good chance no one can take it from me either at this point; If Im showing signs of coming back to life and back to my own life; this is from my doing; my choices; my recovery work; my desires to commit and follow God Higher Power Universe Jesus Holy spritus… God… Plenty of people have helped me allong the way; did not do this alone. Its just that; it was not done by anyone in my past; that means I dont owe any of those fake people anything.
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Im showing signs of it; as if I came from a loving secure place; or family. This means a new me being started over again.
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Their is no one responsible from my original life for where Im at now. What that means; all good things that have happened and are happening have nothing to do with anyone elses credit when I was young; Only mine. Im not suggesting this new life that might be emerging is done alone; It was done with the help of 30,000 people in recovery who have come n gone form the recovery forums Ive lived in or the meeting rooms Ive spoke in and attended; no easy feat! Those are not easy places at times.
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AND GOD! And many other things. I just showed up; I showed up 1 ga zillion times.. .
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The point is; Its starting; Im starting to glue back together… I was mentioning the word "confidence" today. Talking about the need for confidence; That is a strange word for me to use when speaking in the recovery process.
The word confidence suggests Ive done enough work on myself. The next level is personal interaction with the world; and that requires confidence.
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Im getting internally stronger…. And stronger… Confidence is what floods out after years of internal work that leads to a greater experience… life under God… All of this just sorta happens; I start getting stronger or heading towar confidence or something.
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Anyway.
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Im struggling upward…
It would be quite interesting if I get my life back in the face of all Ive been through in this struggle from the day I was born: That would be very interesting.
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I was talking to someone today; Ive literally inherited God ( Gods favor); A gift from God... at this point; And God is bringing back my desire to be alive and live and feel and imagine and dream and be enthusiastic to get up in the morning. I have so many goals and dreams Im working on; Im full for the day working stuff; way over loaded if I want to be. I can be busy all day long with my interests… I guess. Thats over shooting things; Im not there yet; but Im making my point.
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I continue to develop.
I believe Ill get my life back. The life I dreamed of having when I was a child. I believe my life will be restored… And that truly is a wondrous gift. Nothing could be greater; nothing could be better.
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As I get better and ...

[ Continued ]

The sensitive part of real!
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The real me; the sensitive part with no parents when young; alone; no nothing! And it was that part that Im coming into now. A decent person when young; no parents no home; no nothing…
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And it is that part Im coming into now…
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When young; the girls I was interested in; I just could not open this up; I wouldnt open this up; I knew they did not have any interest in me at this level; in helping me; in being my friend…. I just knew it; it meant I was hanging around the wrong people and I had to drop out. This broke me; broke my heart. I had put all of myself into my relationship future only to find I was actually never having a relationship with anyone. I never allowed myself to ever get that close..
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I never allowed it because I could see it; they were not concerned and I really didn’t mean anything to them. I didn’t realize this until I realized they weren’t helpers.. they were wasting my time. They were literally wasting my time. It will not be till later that I realized; I was seeking them out; they were never seeking me. Who had the problem. I did. If I go back to God and start over; maybe God; if I stayed with God; maybe God would bring the right people around me; people I could feel safe around… people I could open up to; that special place of being myself. I would need someone who is a helper and friend; No one else!
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So; maybe they would have been that person; those from the far past; but I doubt it; I don’t know; I know I can go to God and stay with God and allow Gods energy to recreate a new life with new helpers and new friends…
The old now; they are ghosts; Thank God! They have come n past; much like cargo ships in the night. They came; I watched them slow move in front of me.. and a few hours later they past through the night never to be seen again.
When young I was in agony over this; Now; I feel loved and safe through God; for God was watching out for me and would not allow these evil incursions to experience me and destroy me. I was already being destroyed.
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God would not allow the evil to engulf me. Instead; God made the evil pass through the night. And I alone again. I was in agony.
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If I want God to supply helpers that are my friends; Ill have to go to God and stay with God and see who God brings…
They are God energy; from God… They will show their faces to me… I will turn to God for help and clarification.
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Im a sensitive person. And cannot open that part of myself up to people who are not responsible or not safe.
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Ill ask God what arena Ill need to be myself.
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Ill keep working with God.
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MUSIC;
Im asking God for help and guidance… on being a performer. Its very hard for a dissociative. I can hardly handle any reality. And when pitched with reality; I can hardly think while Im directly in reality; its like being totally exposed to the sun when its to bright… its just to much… Like being in a desert with no water… to much sun…
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The reality is; I fall far short in reality; That is why Im on a disability. I can handle maybe 3% of reality. I can hardly function in it our around anyone in it. I can talk a big game but when it comes time to be in reality; I fold…
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So; Ill work on this.
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I mentioned that I fold in reality; I wanted women in the past that I liked; I wanted them to know this about me and help me; I wanted them to help me; until I realized they were never going to help me; They were never looking for someone like me…
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So; I have to ask God for help for relationships and occupations… Stay with God down God Pathway… manifest while with God and have everything ran through God coming from God from Gods energy…
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I refused to do this in the past… And I will pay a heavy price for this. I believed when young I was doing this but I wasnt. And ill pay a heavy price for this.
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Its as if I was hanging out in Satan's backyard and I was trying to claim...

[ Continued ]

From Single to Non Single.
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First let me say; all things are under my higher power and I start with prayer and meditation under my higher power.. This is very important; all things taken to my higher power and worked through and asked of my higher power. And my higher power brings those who qualify. I don’t have anything to do with that part of things. They are attracted; not to me; to start with; they are attracted to my higher power. And they are attracted to the higher power that is in me. So I must be inline with my higher power so that they may see the higher power they are attracted to; they may see it in me… The attributes of my higher power the qualities of my higher power. This is the journey whether I like it or not.
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THIS IS NOT A FUN JOURNEY! I CAN FEEL THE FEAR AND TERROR>…
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As for women; This is not a journey about women. This is a journey about my manhood. I now seek to go from a position of self that was a state of mind of single to Non-Single.
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This does not require women; this is about a mans journey facing forward and going on a journey.
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This is about working through grief of a past. I have done so. A treaty of peace or neutrality has occurred from the past; However; It has been under the guidance this time of God the whole time. And because of this; a peace has occurred.
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I guess its kind of like a divorce. I guess; Ive never been divorced. One might like the other person but cant live with them… So they divorce and move on… And that is what Im doing; a treaty of neutrality and peace with those people and places and things of the past; And now Im moving on.
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What kept me single? GRIEF!
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Now; Working with God and aligning with God; Ive worked aligned with God and God has helped me out and is helping me out. God shines on me like a star-sun. And thus the grief has been worked out ENOUGH. Its not perfect; but its perfect enough for God. God smiles… And God gives me the Go -ahead to move on. God is my Mother and Father; And has has given me the go ahead to move on.
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My new journey is about going from a state of Single to Non-Single.
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A man who is non single in nature and spirit and intellect; he can date 10,000 women; Hes all about interacting with women and dating correctly in the right ways that make sense under God… meeting new people. And having girlfriends and more and marriages if that make safe sense under God today. Its about soulmates UNDER GOD! Shes my best friend; my helper; FROM GOD! UNDER GOD…
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She is created by Gods energy.. She is attracted to my energy because my energy comes from God… But it is God she is attracted to and feels safe. And if I have that energy from God; it is that energy she is attracted to…
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So; those things about a womens position on who they are under God; Gods energy and such; Fair enough; but Im not even in that position to be worrying bout that.
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Im on a journey; A journey going from a meeker boy to man; manhood… Under God… God always sovereign over head. All things are taken to God first to go down the journey… As I go down the journey.
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This is an unknown journey.
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SO; It begins when it begins.
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Please understand its still horrible; moving forward when I have a past; come from a post; its just possible when before it wasnt possible. Now it is…
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And FEAR; Man o Man; Do I have Fear! I can feel it.
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So; Ill be starting this at some point because; Ive earned my way up to this point and this is my starting point…
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A kid that earns his way through the 6th grade. They don’t put him back to first grade. He starts out where he legally finished off; he starts out with what ever comes after 6th grade. Can he prove it; Yes! Hes or she has earned it ( They) have earned it.. They start out where they can show proof that theyve honestly earned.
Under God; Ive honestly earned the right to go to the next level up concerning dating...

[ Continued ]

Women;
Dating women…
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Talking to women…
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That is the problem…
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I look back at women I liked when young and I wanted to talk to but I couldn’t. No connection ever really happened. No one really ever valued me enough to even notice me; I was invisible. At some point I just walked away.
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I had no mother; so that whole thing was destroyed and I am a bit strangely emptied because of it… I don’t know. Im bashful around women. I don’t know how to trust anyone…
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I don’t know how to talk to anyone. But talking to women is what I wanted to do when I was much younger.
Now I want to talk to women about the women I couldn’t talk to when young; actually; I want to talk to women now about the things I wanted to talk to women about when I was younger.
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Im still that broken person.. but I feel better; more healed; better…
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I still; I havent really talked to anyone since childhood. And even those people were not my friends; they were faking it… But I was still able to believe they were my friends so I opened up about things.
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Today; I would like women to talk to about things; just as I wanted to talk to them years ago… but no one was interested in me… \
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Now; Im working with God that maybe God can bring the right people that might be interested in me.
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THE MEETING:
I opened up tonight about some things… I talked about being SUGAR WIDOW’D; This is my wording for a man thats meeting the perfect women when hes younger; and can never really find anyone as good as that women who can measure up. Its like being spoiled by to much sugar… And now no one is sweat enough anymore… Got spoiled. However; Hold on; there is hope. Going Down energy river far enough; starts me over in my lifes journey as if I was never spoiled; so I get to do this again; live my life… under God! Energy river is a spirit river under God Jesus Universe Holy spiritus…
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The key is; I talked about many things tonight and got a chance to talk to one guy after the meeting; personally about this women dating stuff; past Sugar Widow’d sitaution. This means Im opening up about the past because its past tense in many respects. Im not living in the past Im connecting to the present and wanting to talk about the dysfunction of the past and how to fix those things that are still dysfunctional now in the present that I never got answers for in the past. And this is good…
This means; In the past I was specifically messed up. However; because I never fixed any of these problems. I specifically messed up in the present just like in the past; same problems; However; today because Im in the present; Im looking for answers for these problems!@
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WORKING WITH GOD;
At this point its about cropping up new relationships in my imagination; Imagining Im working with God. And God is creating new people for me; new relationship out of the energy of God and they appear and talk with them. And with enough time; they start to show up in front of me as real people; If I began to believe in my imagination that what Im creating in my imagination is real.
In my imagination;
Im sitting with God in the backyard of a house that is safe; on the grass in a small town… The Angels are there; Jesus is there; the universe is looking overhead. The Holy Spirit is present…
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I imagine God overhead; Jesus; With hands out; is sending energy into the circle; a circle made by Angels who are sending energy from their hearts n minds into the circle. The Holy spirit is walking into the center of the circle. And is the guiding center. God is overhead watching an sending in God energy; All energy is from Universe God…
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And from this energy sends forth within the circle; forms are appearing. And slowly the concept of Helper and Friend are appearing. The shape of a girl…
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Im a child in this scenario; on a bench sitting up against the back of the house with my NEW parents; God has given me; and Im watching. And I can feel it; ...

[ Continued ]