Does this ever get better?

Hey there I am new. I posted about myself in the introduction section of this forum, but if that is tl;dr for you I am a 27 year old woman who was recently diagnosed with AvPD. I've been dealing with this for years now, and have went through periods of being completely agoraphobic and suicidally depressed due to my mental problems. I have been in therapy several years and it has helped me overcome *some* of my fears but I have not been able to really build the life that I want. I only have one friend and have never had a romantic relationship either. My parents both died recently and I feel somewhat panicked that I am going to be left completely alone, especially when my roommate (my only friend) graduates and moves away in a year. My family is too dysfunctional to be supportive so I can't turn to them either.

I really feel completely alone. I would like to be close to other people, in order to experience love but I don't think that is gonna happen. I'm too ugly/weird/etc. to deal with a relationship. My AvPD would prevent me from making any kind of connection to others.

I have been in therapy and on meds for years but it seems like nothing ever helps. That is another reason I am so distraught. I have done cognitive behavioral therapy, medication, relaxation techniques, journaling, exposure and so on. I have made some improvements in some areas : I am able to go to college for instance, but I still cannot form anything more than a superficial relationship with other people. I don't really get to know them. I avoid going deeper than just random chat so I never make true friends..

Have any of you ever been able to overcome this? I think therapy has reached the limits of its effectiveness and I don't know if I will ever be any better than I am now (which is to say my life will likely suck from here on out )

G'day T9,

It does get better.

I see avie as the naughtly little uncontrolled child, the less you give in, the more challenged you will be. Answers and understanding is the only thing that will give you control.

Answers come from yourself. Don't look to the psych as a miracle worker, look to her as someone who will support you so you won't feel alone and any falls you have she will pick you up.

Welcome

wow, it's been ages since I've logged on here...

rightly or wrongly, the only way I've been able to break the cycles of avoidance and the accompanying malaise is through romantic relationships, or at least attempting them. I'm pretty shy and er... avoidant... so it's tough. Online dating has worked to a certain degree. My relationships don't last, though it could be because the three girls were not the right kind of girl for me.

I'm back in the doldrums right now. Broke up in early March with a girl I dated for 4 months.

At times it feels like I'm just faking the emotional part of the relationship. Not sure if that's relevant, but it probably is.

tl;dr --> Sign up on plentyoffish for the hell of it and see what happens

I don't think it can get 100% better, but things can continue to improve. Times of change are always very stressful and can lead to relapses though. And many people seem to evolve some schizoid tendancies as they get older - the need for relationships and human contact can fade. Maybe that is no comfort.

Trinity9,

I can definitely relate to your issues, and yes, you have my assurance, it can get better, much better, but it depends entirely on the steps you take. And, yes, I do speak from experience, I was able to overcome my avoidance. I am well within the normal range of avoidance, i.e.; procrastination is something that I still struggle with, but emotionally I was able to become a completely different person. Well, I am still the same person, but I was able to shed my false self and connect with my true self. And overcoming AvPD and becoming your true self is all about emotions, connecting with your core emotions in order to connect with your core authentic self. It's like peeling the layers of an onion to get to your true inner core, you cannot get there by continuing to use the defense mechanisms that you have been using. This may seem like an over-simplification, but it is true, the act of avoidance is simply wanting to avoid pain. You have to peel away all of the masking emotions and you will be left with your core pain,  this is the pain that you must feel and process so that you can release it from your subconscious in order to conquer your avoidance and become your true self so that you can be the person that you were meant to be. You will then be able to make deep and meaningful connections with people, both friendships and romantically, and you will be able to love another and accept love from them. This is the life path that you will find yourself on. 

I am sorry that you have recently lost your parents and that you feel so alone. I'm sure your parents would want you to overcome these issues and this could be a new beginning for you, if you let it. I think you are wise to not count on your dysfunctional family being supportive, and the reality is that you don't need anyone to overcome this except the desire and belief that you can, along with a good therapist to help guide you there. 

Please do not let yourself to continue to believe that you are too weird or ugly to form connections with people, this is a false belief that is embedded on your subconscious, this is something that you can and must overcome, because it is definitely not true and only serves as a self sabotaging defense mechanism. 

Feel free to ask me any questions about the specifics of what I'm talking about...

Knockknock

Knockknock wrote:Trinity9,

I can definitely relate to your issues, and yes, you have my assurance, it can get better, much better, but it depends entirely on the steps you take. And, yes, I do speak from experience, I was able to overcome my avoidance. I am well within the normal range of avoidance, i.e.; procrastination is something that I still struggle with, but emotionally I was able to become a completely different person. Well, I am still the same person, but I was able to shed my false self and connect with my true self. And overcoming AvPD and becoming your true self is all about emotions, connecting with your core emotions in order to connect with your core authentic self. It's like peeling the layers of an onion to get to your true inner core, you cannot get there by continuing to use the defense mechanisms that you have been using. This may seem like an over-simplification, but it is true, the act of avoidance is simply wanting to avoid pain. You have to peel away all of the masking emotions and you will be left with your core pain,  this is the pain that you must feel and process so that you can release it from your subconscious in order to conquer your avoidance and become your true self so that you can be the person that you were meant to be. You will then be able to make deep and meaningful connections with people, both friendships and romantically, and you will be able to love another and accept love from them. This is the life path that you will find yourself on. 

I am sorry that you have recently lost your parents and that you feel so alone. I'm sure your parents would want you to overcome these issues and this could be a new beginning for you, if you let it. I think you are wise to not count on your dysfunctional family being supportive, and the reality is that you don't need anyone to overcome this except the desire and belief that you can, along with a good therapist to help guide you there. 

Please do not let yourself to continue to believe that you are too weird or ugly to form connections with people, this is a false belief that is embedded on your subconscious, this is something that you can and must overcome, because it is definitely not true and only serves as a self sabotaging defense mechanism. 

Feel free to ask me any questions about the specifics of what I'm talking about...

Knockknock

This is the best post I've seen on this forum. I can relate to everything you've written there totally.

I agree with Secret Hermit. Knockknock's post prompted me to post, which I hardly ever do on this forum. I, and I'm sure many others on this board have some questions about your methods, Knockknock.

how were you able to connect with your core emotions?
did you have to will power yourself not to use avoidance tactics?
could you please sum up how bad your avoidance was before you were able to find yourself?

thanks for this uplifting post, Knockknock. And for being a ray of light in this often cold, dark, and lonely world of avoidance.

I'd like to hear you elaborate on this a bit more knockknock. By layers you mean defense mechanisms, is that right? What does it mean to peel back the layers and how does one go about doing it?

I'll try to summarize during my lunch hour, if I haven't been clear, please feel free to ask any further questions, I would love to help anyone who wishes to conquer their avoidance.

I was 22 years old and a senior in college and I just finally reached the point in my life where I couldn't live the way I was living, it became unbearable for me. I was sick and tired of pretending something I was not....I was not the person I was portraying myself to be...I was faking everything, I felt none of my real emotions, it was all masked by other emotions. I was depressed, but didn't outwardly exhibit depression, because I wouldn't even admit to myself that I was depressed. My depression was masking unresolved anger. My anger I could not really feel, just as I could not really feel my depression. The anger I had was towards my parents in how they raised me, or rather, not raised me, they were both functional alcoholics and I was left to parent my younger brother and sister. The anger was something I needed to feel and process, and when I did I felt the fear that was beneath the anger. The fear was masking the unresolved pain from my childhood. I had to detach from my emotions at a very young age, probably around 7 years old, so that I could survive and function in their very dysfunctional household. Deep down I knew I was different than everyone, but I just put on an act and went away to college and lost myself in drinking, sports and fake superficial friendships. There I joined a fraternity, which was a great cover for someone who was hiding from his true self, no one even suspected that the false self that I pretended to be was actually not me. I grew somewhat comfortable just going through the motions and being my false self, but inside I felt quite empty because I knew that it wasn't the real me. 

The event that really made me be honest with myself and admit that I was very emotionally f***ked up was when I at 20 years old felt this very strong urge to jump 9 stories to my death from a hotel balcony. The reason that I suddenly felt this urge was simply my date trying to connect emotionally with me by telling me about the feelings that she had for me. I freaked out, almost committed suicide on the spot and then somehow manage to compose myself and excused myself to our hotel room where I just shut down for the rest of the evening. This single event did more to open my eyes that I needed to change than anything else, but it still took my another two years to actively act on getting myself into therapy. it was there, on my third therapist, my first female one, that I was finally able to let go of all of my defense mechanisms and truly go back and feel the pain of my childhood so that I could process it and get connected to my current day emotions and become by true self.  I learned that the stockpile of unprocessed emotions that were stored in my subconscious were not going anywhere, that because I avoided them and refused to process them, they linger and continue to haunt you until you do deal with them properly. 

The method that my therapist used with me was basically talk therapy, regression of my memories to childhood so that I could remember the trauma that caused me to disconnect from my emotions in the first place, so that I could then feel and process the pain properly, so that I could then finally release that pain from my subconscious and move on emotionally with my life. The concept of what I had to do was pretty simple, I just had to feel it and not intellectualize it, because trying to think it through does nothing, those feelings must be felt, which for an avoidant is very difficult and not natural, because we have been doing anything and everything to not feel that pain, running from it as if our lives depended on not feeling it. And, in a sense our lives "did" depend on it, when we were children, and that is why we disconnected and didn't feel it, because we weren't capable. But we owe it to ourselves to learn how to do this once we reach adulthood. If you are emotionally detached as an adult and you continue to remain that way, you are basically giving up on ever having a normal life, and it is fear that is driving that decision, not reality, because I am living proof that your reality doesn't have to remain your reality forever, you have the ability to change it....you just have to want it enough and be brave enough to attempt what I have just layed out. 

@secret and homesick : thank you for the compliments.

@granfallon : by layers, I mean the masking emotions that you peel back in therapy...but yes, you also have to get to the point to completely give in and just not allow those very strong defense mechanisms to kick in. 

Our pasts are so different I’m not sure if what worked for you can work for me. I don’t think I mask my emotions with other emotions, but maybe I don’t what you mean by that. I suppress my emotions around other people but I when I’m alone I feel them very intensely. I know what you mean about faking everything though. I spent a lot of time analyzing my childhood after I found out I have AVPD. I think I’ve almost fully discovered why I am the way I am yet nothing has changed. I don’t know what core emotions I should be trying to get in touch with. I was always too ashamed to talk to my parents about being bullied so I suppressed my feelings until I was alone; I guess that’s when the suppressing started. Is that core stuff? IDK. I’m trying to intellectualize and feel my emotions but maybe I can’t do it alone. I know I’m being annoying using you like a therapist, but would you mind going into what it means to mask emotions with emotions and what defense mechanism against feeling emotions are. I just want to be sure I'm understanding you correctly.
I really appreciate your help. thanks.