So, from a woman who has been married to someone with AVPD for 20 years, what can you expect and what advice does she give?
First, they do show love, just not the way we feel love. They are thoughtful and kind, but we should give up expectations to ever know what is in the heart or mind of our loved ones with avoidant personality disorder.
I should tell you I am LindaH333 from the above post written 9 years ago. I stumbled across this thread, and the old response from me, while doing research for information to give to my therapist I AM going to. You read right. MY THERAPIST.
I was 32 then and now I'm 41. I've been into therapy for complex post traumatic stress disorder from childhood issues, a domestically violent upbringing . No wonder I picked someone who avoided conflict, my childhood was rife with it. How's that for being a doofus?
My point is, if we're attracted to someone like this, we should look inside for the answer to the question why. They are there. For me, it was a mixture of wanting a safe, gentle partner and I was a baby, only 21 years old, who had no idea what real love or intimacy felt like.
When I wrote the 2005 post, I was on the verge of doing something about my situation, but my Dad got sick, had heart surgery, hurricane Katrina hit that same year in August, he died a week after my 33rd birthday in March of the next year, and everything in life remained destroyed from Katrina. I ended up having a mental breakdown (major depressive episode with suicidal features) that took years from which to recover.
I slowly healed emotionally, but we moved from MS to WA, my mother got sick over and over with COPD and recently died last October (2013). There never seems a good time to deal with it.
About married AvPD's, they're all different, but the same in a lot of ways. Yes, every marriage will have its highs and lows. During the lows, without positive mirroring and feedback, yes, life
can get THAT bad.
For those of us who love someone with AvPD, loneliness, desperation and depression is common. The lack of love and support is so palpable in this type of relationship that it can bring you to your knees, especially when the rest of life goes haywire. You will be alone with your strong emotions because they can't handle them. To make matters worse, their retreats can make us feel totally rejected for being a human with normal needs.
In our relationship in particular, the highs are not as involved and caring as other relationships other people have. Its common that romance movies or seeing real couples in love cause us resentment or sadness bordering on desperation because that is the one thing we won't ever have and desperately want. But we love the person when its good and withstand the silent treatment the rest of the time.
My husband has 3 states: 1. bored-every-day oblivious that is quiet (and I don't really exist) 2. down and kind of mad or sick and he's REALLY quiet (and I don't really exist) or 3. in a good mood (rare) and he does things he knows I like without really interacting with me. But I kinda exist. He is most thoughtful on those day and you can tell he likes to be of use and be helpful.
Even though my husband has gotten better, its still taken me years to trust my own reactions after falling apart. What contributed to that was being told I was over-reacting, over emotional, too aggressive and even abusive when having or wanting normal, healthy interaction. I started to doubt myself and believe him. It took years to dig out of it and I'm not sure I'm there yet.
Now I know I've been a lot of things, but not abusive. Imagine being told you bought the wrong bellpeppers and you're the one doing the cooking. Now, imagine telling that someone that you're going to "
buy the bell peppers you want, no matter what they cost or where they come from" politely. That is not abuse. Its a boundary that just so happened to embarrass him and put limits on HIM for a change. (Neither of which they like, but who does? Deal with it like we all have to.) I also told him that I won't trade my logic for his and he needed to understand that, whether its about bell peppers or leprechauns. Until that point, I had allowed him to be right all the time to save his fragile ego.
One time, I did get really mad from being ignored TOO much and grabbed the remote controls to the tv, radio and dvd player and threw them in our fish pond. Yes, it was bad, yes, I knew it was wrong-- but c'mon, it took 15 years of being ignored to get me that mad. And, it felt really good, so I laughed. The lights came on the remotes and after they dried out, they still worked, ha.
First bit of advice: Don't get hooked into sympathy in these relationships. Sympathy is not love. Probably like you, after I found out the diagnosis, I felt so sorry for him. Knowing someone feels that bad about him/herself is so SAD. Of course, we want to change that. But WE can't, its impossible- they have to.
I tried so hard. I loved so unconditionally to prove myself trustworthy, loveable and that he could be safe with me to be loving, and that he was worthy of love, too. BUT I say this, if I can't love this man into loving me back and trusting me in 20 years, no one will.
Personally, I tried everything: tiptoeing, avoiding deep conversations, pretending to be like "Spock" from Star Trek since emotions freaked him out, and being accepting of crappy treatment from him (which will always be passive/aggressive and covert, mind you). I even allowed others important to him to get by with way too much to prove I wasn't "that" emotional. Have you tried to always be in a good mood? (I was the antidepressant and the entertainment in the house). Ever protect your avoidant? (I was also his guard dog. Watch the movie with Jet Li called "Unleashed"?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0342258/? )
In my experience, mine didn't have to stand up for himself because I'm bold... I'm just wired that way. I'm not so bold with him because I knew he was like a soft-shelled egg. No wonder he was attracted to me. The kicker for me was when our crazy neighbor guy behind us confronted him about using a BB gun. He blamed it on me! Being thrown under a bus cut me to the bone. Its one thing when I take the heat on purpose, but really??? He weighs 220 and I'm 130 on a big day. The crazy guy weighed maybe 150. I might be able to take him with a big stick, but thats not the point.
Avoiding normal human conflict, I shouldn't have expected anything different. But thats when I lost a great deal of respect for him.
I reiterate- don't get into a sympathy trap that "I can love enough to change this" because we can't.
They have to. Its just like domestic violence, alcoholism or any other dysfunction. We can't love enough to change another person, no matter how much we want better for them.
Second, if you suspect someone you are dating or engaged to is like this, get out unless they are willing to work hard to dig their way out of their own hell. Therapy. Medication. Group therapy. It works if they want it bad enough.
If they don't, we are condemning ourselves to get the silent treatment for the rest of our lives. We have half a partner, if that. Save yourself time, tears, self doubt, feelings of unlovableness, worthlessness and just move on. Real love is too precious to not have and we are worth recieving it, too.
Here's a fact: Its better to
be alone than to always feel like you're alone
AND rejected. We're never going to get what we need to have a healthy relationship with these people, if thats what we want. Just stop now. We're never going to love them into being open, honest, forthright and affectionate. Ever. It won't happen. They won't ever share with us something more deep than what they want for dinner. We might get the day's traffic description. They will remain a shell that we happen to live with that speaks of superficiality only. Its awkward as hell, especially if guests are over.
A hard shell and a soft shell. That sums it up. Hard if you want in, soft all other times. Use kid gloves to turn on your jackhammer.
So, what did we/he/I do to try to fix this? We went to therapy after all the trauma in the years from 2005 through 2010, and he tried a
little. He went maybe 4 times, I went religiously. Anything is better than MDD.
Maybe this effort was a lot from his perspective, I don't know. The therapist got emotionally intimate with me (I'm comfortable with it since you get out of it what work you put into it) and he didn't like it. I think he felt jealous that the therapist was paying more attention to me because I was working my fanny off.
The therapist gave him time to feel comfortable enough to go a little deeper, but they never talked about anything other than work and superficial things, mostly. He got into an intimate conversation once and after that, he conveniently got mad and said it wasn't working and just cut out all together. Didn't explain a thing to the man, nothing. He said it was all superficial and wasn't doing any good. (I'm thinking, well, you're a grown man, open your mouth and say something if you've got an issue. Talk about it, ask, discuss. You can do that. But... avoidants won't.)
Instead, he blamed the therapist for the lack of progress. Here's the truth: It takes 2 to tango, but they never see it that way because there is no such thing as joint accountability or a mutual partnership. Its either YOUR FAULT so they can play victim and retreat or THEIR FAULT so they can retreat in their perceived worthlessness and not come out... which, again, is what they want. And there is no progress, everyone loses.
We tried antidepressants (I'm still on them). He took them for a while (months?), felt better, was more outgoing and even disclosed a little bit about himself and then just went off meds without discussion or explanation (whats new with that). Get used to that, that's how almost all of our mutual decisions will be made. They control decisions and if we don't like them, there must be something wrong with us.
When things settled down and I was more stable, much more healthy and accepting of myself, my limitations and my ability to love, I wanted a child to love. He did not (well, duh, its an intimate relationship). I gave him time to adjust and we had our son who is now almost 3. That was the biggest surprise EVER because he happened the first time we tried. God wanted that baby born
But- we haven't had sex but one and a half times since then. I think he uses it as an excuse to not try. But I've got to admit, I say no because sex without affection the entire day just doesn't feel right to me.
As a father, he is fantastic, loving and attentive and spends time with this boy endlessly. But, we can forget about them setting boundaries consistently or explaining to the child what they did wrong when they are punished, especially if they get mad. It won't happen, they shut off. He tries, tho, I do see that and I know he loves that boy like he was his very own heart. He just lacks the capacity to do those things.
God forbid there is a conflict at school. Guess who will always have to deal with that? Yup.
Here's a synopsis~~
The good stuff: For one damn thing, you won't argue, lol. Mine will love with action, gifts or chores. Tape my favorite tv shows, buy me stuff. He does the dishes instead of saying I love you or hugging me. (I wanted hugs, I have a dishwasher.) Chores. Provide. Diligently work on hobbies. But, there is more to a marriage than providing material things. I can be happy in a cardboard box if I can find food and it isn't too cold-- but love? It is a basic human need.
The bad stuff: THE WORST ONE:
They will always have more fear for themselves than empathy for you.Cut you or people off when mad. Like, forever cut off. Rarely or never talk to you on purpose. Not answer the phone. Not answer you. Not look you in the eye when speaking to you. Not stop what they're doing to listen, even if its important. Outright ignore you to your face. Ignore your needs (your needs make them feel helpless). Never talk about whats going on inside of them. Stonewall, block out anything you ask. Never respond rather than a yes or no or I don't know. Give you the silent treatment. Look straight at your boobs and not your eyes when you make love (hey, eye contact is intimacy!)
Make decisions about finances or other major issues without your consent or approval. Blame you and say you're over reacting if you don't "behave" the way they want you to (be happy about it.)Take total control over everything because they don't trust anyone (and God forbid, yours screws it up like mine did.) Watch TV or do computer even if you're crying about something.
Blame you for what they do. Take everyone's side in their family but yours to keep the peace with them. Not hug, kiss, cuddle, embrace, do pillow talk. Use emotional blackmail (I made him mad about something and he tried to cut off my antidepressants- that is dangerous.) He once tried to cut off my finances, too, until I told him that was legal grounds for divorce and a strike AGAINST him in divorce court because its called financial abuse. He changed his tune.
I left out friends and relationships since I'm an only child and can go long periods of time not socializing. I'm pretty good at entertaining myself (I'm an artist, reader, etc.) Most of my stuff is pretty solitary anyway.
How all this effects you will have much to do with your patience, ability to maintain boundaries, can busy yourself, have outside intimate relationships (they make open or multiple marriages seem like good ideas) in spite of the AvPD person's attitudes. It will also depend on your history, your upbringing, etc.
If you decide to stay, good luck. I so hope I helped someone feel connected and validated. God bless.