Wife needs support in dealing with husband with AvPD

Which makes it impossible to sort out any little hiccups! He tells me he's happy when I'm happy but it's very hard to be happy when you can't be urself! I find myself not expressing my thoughts or feelings and keeping it all bottled up to worried on the outcome (I learnt this the hard way from being shut out), it's horrible to feel lonelier in a relashioship than not In one! he tells me he loves me and I don't doubt he does but we have split up over me stressing out with my garden strimmer he thinks it was a personal attack on him as he was the only person there, it's so frustrating when you then try to explain that it wasn't personal only to dig myself a deeper hole in trying to explain! It's hard when you love someone who has such little opinion of themselves, I think he's gorgeous inside and out he thinks he's worthless and ugly hates being in busy places affection is far and few between and he is very with drawn ! The split has knocked me for six because it wasn't for any good reason (for me anyway) I feel like i am just throw away and his feelings wernt true!

Reading about AvPD has given me a insure to why and it's him to a tee! Thankyou for ur story big hugs )

I find it interesting that people got married and way into relationships and then suddenly they are upset by the behavior of their SOs? Weren't the behaviors there from the start? Usually people get put off way before they get too involved.

skyflyz wrote:I find it interesting that people got married and way into relationships and then suddenly they are upset by the behavior of their SOs? Weren't the behaviors there from the start? Usually people get put off way before they get too involved.

I don't get it either.




But apparently LOTS of people do that. I read about it a lot in advise columns. I guess people think their SO will change after they are married.

No, we're not retarded.

We may have been too young when we started the relationship.

Or maybe we are messed up too - bad parenting may lead us to have low expectations for a relationship. And/or the infatuation that goes with young love and then the busyness of a life with young children may mask the problems for many years.

Finding this forum has helped me in understanding what has happened with my 25-year marriage (28-year relationship) with a man who has recently been diagnosed with AvPD. LindaH333, I want you to know you helped me so much, thank you for sharing your history with your husband. You are absolutely correct, in that if you are with someone with this disorder, to look at your own history, because there is SOMETHING that is contributing to the fact that you are in a relationship with someone with AvPD. My own history involved parents who both were emotionally completely Unattached to all four of their children. Not bad people at all, not mean, not neglectful - other than they did not attach to us emotionally and did not guide any of us in any way. They provided shelter and food, and actually gave us kids more than they ever had. Just no guidance, no emotion, no connection. I married someone who has AvPD, but was not diagnosed until a couple years ago. For years he had behaviors I did not understand, and I tried so hard to make sense out of .... why would he just get mad for what seemed to be "out of the blue", clam up and then not talk to me for sometimes MONTHS on end. Tell me how mean I was, over and over, but yet not be able to tell me HOW I was mean ... so I could never "get it." How did this make sense? I questioned myself over and over. I knew he was this kind, gentle, loving man - he had been that to me for over half of our marriage. He took on step-fatherhood when my boys were at a young age; he was involved in all areas of raising them - going to school meetings, various sporting events, picking them up from the sitters when I couldn't. You name it, he was there for the boys and for me. As some major life events happened (including a major house fire where we lost everything, then a major illness for me where he had to take on more responsibility), he began to change and pull away more and more and for longer periods of time. Eventually he was just ANGRY, angry about my illness, angry that I wasn't doing more, angry, angry, angry, refusing to talk to me about any of it. I tried everything to try to reach the man I had known, and after years of trying and years of counseling, I have finally accepted that I just cannot reach him any more. That man, who had been everything to me, is gone ... gone into this shell of who he had been. It is so sad, it just breaks my heart for who he had been, for what we had shared, and for what the possibilities had been. But this AvPD became bigger and took over, to where he could no longer deal with life's problems. Now, in our last stages of our lives, when we should be able to be enjoying our retirement years together, he is living in this shell and wanting a divorce - after all this time. I guess my point is, that while some people with AvPD can function in a relationship for a while, life can just wear them down, to where they can no longer cope. Now I am older, retired, have a chronic illness, living on a limited income, and have lost my best friend to this disorder.

Damn this thread makes me feel like $#%^....A bunch of ppl explaining why they don't like ppl like me...ugh...Insecurities increasing 10 fold...

Loneman, I'm sorry my post affected you that way as it was not my intent. What I was trying to communicate is that there are MANY people (like myself) who have our own background/history of problems - who absolutely LOVE someone else who also has their set of problems - in this case with my husband, AvPD. And I SOOO wish that he could have accepted that gift of unconditional love that I was more than willing to give. I wanted to convey to others with AvPD that you have many traits that are indeed very lovable.

loneman wrote:Damn this thread makes me feel like $#%^....A bunch of ppl explaining why they don't like ppl like me...ugh...Insecurities increasing 10 fold...

Understood.. but I think it's important to realize that avies' behaviors can certainly be hurtful to others. This is just one reason why I believe it's important to work on AVPD behavior before getting involved in relationships.. I know some people have successful relationships with the disorder, but I've always thought that until the symptoms are mitigated somewhat (I know many people believe it can never be cured) it's not a good idea to get into a relationship. My personal experience is that I tended to attract all the wrong sorts of people, but I can see how my own behavior may have caused hurt as well.

Bottom line is that until a person is reasonably healthy, I don't think the odds are in their favor when it comes to having a successful relationship (although I am the first to admit that it can certainly be done).

loneman wrote:Damn this thread makes me feel like $#%^....A bunch of ppl explaining why they don't like ppl like me...ugh...Insecurities increasing 10 fold...

That's so sad

skyflyz wrote:(...) I believe it's important to work on AVPD behavior before getting involved in relationships...

I think I understand what you mean. However, I see often strong relationships around me, involving people who are not at all like "perfect people" nor in "perfect relationship".

What seems important to me is to know own needs and be able to express them. And not trying to look like models.

I know it's not easy for people who tend naturally to forget one's needs. But I think that road can be more interesting then trying to become someone else

skyflyz wrote: My personal experience is that I tended to attract all the wrong sorts of people, but I can see how my own behavior may have caused hurt as well.

After a bad experience I agree that it can be wise to take some distance before jumping into the next...


(sorry for the mistakes in english)

I was with a woman for 8 months who had AvPD. I had previously dated her for a year. I felt that it would ruin my family life in the long wrong as her distancing, although predictable, was far too often.Although she did claim to love me, even to the point of tears, she displayed no empathy for me and no desire to know my needs. She often withheld emotion and verbal affection, even when asked to hear the words I Love You. She was secretive. She was very immature and acted out if she felt dismissed in any perceived way. She used distancing frequently and abuse alcohol. If you tried to solve or discuss issues, she would completely turn off communications and the atmosphere felt tense. She blamed everyone else for her issues and never took responsibility for how her own behaviors hurt others. She had short lived friendships that always ended in chaos. I felt deeply sorry for her and of course wanted to "fix" her which is impossible. With AvPd, what I learned is that you have to accept not being treated well; you have to accept limited communication; you have to accept silent treatments, withdrawal and distancing. She did not have the ability to say she was sorry nor could she forgive others. I constantly came back to this feeling that she was extremely self-centered. However, this is a disorder and it is very sad and not intentional or something that can be changed. After she destroyed relationships, she then feels very depressed. Unfortunately, she does not possess the ability to heal a relationship so many of her ex relationships turn into chaos with horrible endings.

If you are a spouse or a partner, it is a painful life of never quite receiving the love, empathy, open communication and warmth (verbal) that we all desire. You will experience a lack of empathy for who you are. However, you will have to be perfect - all the time- because you will be judged and expected to do everything the AvPD partner needs.

The best question to ask yourself is this: Why am I in this relationship? Do I deserve more? Should I be in counseling?

I dated her because my Mother was less than fully loving and I had a wound to heal. I finally moved on, even though the attraction was intense, and I met someone who I was equally attracted to who loves me the way I deserve to be loved.