What is your relationship pattern?

How do relationships begin, progress and end for you?

For me,m it starts with meeting someone new, then I begin convincing my self how wonderful they are, and how happy we could be together...all based on if they seem interested in me. If they are really enthusiastic, I throw caution to the wind and begin building a future with this person, bent on controlling and fixing them. Then a period of time goes by where I wait for them to realize that things will be better if they do what I want them to do by implementing my recommendations.then when they don't change, i get depressed and quiet, wanting them to go away so I can be without the stress. They usually want to stay in the relationship, and me conform to their wants. I've made it attractive to remain because I started out being so enthusiastic, so optimistic and hopeful in the beginning. But by the end, I'm exhausted and out of hope, just wanting to be rid of the anxiety the relationship now provides.

How about you? How does your pattern go?

Is this a trick question? I have no relationships.. anyhow, I'm no psychologist and we can't diagnose here, but have you been diagnosed as avoidant? Cuz this comes across as maybe something else..

No, it's a sincere question.

My relationships have some things in common and some very different. The one thing ALL of them have had in common is that they have all been emotionally unavailable men.

The first (my only long-term relationship) started while I was in HS and lasted 7 years. He was extremely passive aggressive and had some narcissistic traits. Diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder. I became care-taker. I'm very codependent and all of my relationships have this pattern. He lied pathologically, he cheated several times, and was never there, emotionally. He was emotionally and physically neglectful. It was more of a mother-son type situation than a bf/gf. Me taking care of him like a child all the time, taking care of all the household duties, bills, etc. Him just wanting to have fun, play games, have toys, etc.

The 2nd relationship came after hearing how much better I could do than the last one, the entire time I was with the last one. I assumed that automatically the next one had to be better. He turned out to be a textbook sociopath. Registered sex offender, convicted felon, career criminal, in and out of prison/jail, etc. I didn't know this until too late. I was only with him for a few months. Very verbally and emotionally abusive. Stalked me for over a year after I left him. Was convicted of it. Very extreme case of stalking, I had to move, buy a new car, install motion sensors in my house, sleep with a weapon beside the bed, etc. He went on to commit several more crimes and was in and out of jail some more after this and then died about a year ago...probably from his own stupidity.

I got PTSD from that experience.

Then the next was the federal cop "helping" in the case of the last. Another sexual predator. Textbook Narcissistic Personality Disorder. To the tune of actually writing and publishing books referring to himself as an "Angel" and rescuing the damsel in distress (his long time fantasy that he played out on me) and being hailed as a hero. Also published erotic novels. Extreme sex addict (again). Using his govt computer to go on Russian mail order bride websites. He was twice my age. At this point I was in fear for my life (from being stalked by the last guy) and wanted NOTHING to do with men ever again. He committed pretty serious ethical violations for what he did to me. Repeatedly told me not to tell anyone. Another sexual predator. My PTSD got severely worse.

I then went 5 years without dating anyone. Tried to heal from all the damage.

Then, about a year and a half ago met the last one. Textbook Antisocial Personality Disorder. Con artist. Felon (again) on probation for 6 or 7 crimes at the time. I didn't know. Gave me fake alias name, fake career, income, education history, etc. Had fraudulent documentation to help prove his story. Every single thing about him turned out to be fake. He came on extremely strong, talked on the phone several hours a day, every single day, wanted to come over all the time. Was on probation for fraud, drugs, forgery, etc. Had defrauded the woman prior to me into marrying him based on the fake story that he was a medical doctor and conned her out of tens of thousands of dollars. He had replica war medals on his walls (including purple heart) and pretended to be a wounded warrior. Very extreme fraudster. Found all this out after he raped me, 6 weeks into dating him. ...At a time when I was already extremely paranoid of my past repeating itself but thinking that I was just being paranoid because it couldn't possibly happen again.

Became suicidal for a year or more.

Then, a year after that guy, I met my current bf. Seems to be AvPD. I'm thankful that he's not a sociopath or narcissist. Although the avoidance/withdrawal scares me, it's not nearly as bad as being stalked, raped, or conned. So I'm grateful for the peace. In the beginning he came on a bit strong, talking about wanting to move closer right away and wanting to spend all his time with me. But within 2 or 3 weeks, that all stopped when his fears got triggered and he ran. Since then it's been a lot of push/pull but none of the intensity as the first few weeks. Now it's either distant or more-distant. It's been like this for the last 6+ months.

So my pattern seems to be men who fit into one of two categories: 1. Extremely distant and withdrawn. (which triggers my fears of abandonment and makes me a bit clingy). or 2. Smothering (which really leaves me completely uninterested but I tend to stick it out a little because finally someone is paying attn to me and I want to see if I can develop feelings for them).

I'm very cautious of people that I start dating. I constantly worry about them turning out to be a sociopath. I have to do a lot of background checking. I become randomly fearful again and will look into them some more at random (my bf hates this). This is my PTSD. I'm so afraid of someone turning out to not be who they say they are and finding out that everything is a lie again. Both sociopaths did this. Their entire lives turned out to be lies.

I don't think I'm controlling. I'm very passive. I'm definitely the people pleaser type. I try to get them to love me by doing everything for them, spoiling them, treating them like a king. This leads to me being manipulated and taken advantage of a lot (and ultimately being targeted by sociopaths and narcissists). The only thing I encourage my bf to do is to work on his issues. I send him self help type articles. I spend the vast majority of my time working on self improvement and reading psychology. I really want a healthy relationship. I work hard on getting my issues and fears under control. When I feel like I am being deceived or abandoned or rejected, my instinct is to want to run and never look back. I have done this in my past but I'm trying hard to fight that urge with him. I am working hard on communicating what is bothering me, even if he doesn't respond (usually via email). I think I've come a long way and this relationship is giving me the opportunity to work on my issues, if nothing else.

From reading your post, I realize how determined we can be to find a loving, caring partner. Like you, I thought I could find a better partner than the one I had been with...I didn't consider that my behavior was attracting partners who had issues that were going to prove harmful. I tend to white wash a new partner if their attentive and attractive, wishfully thinking they will be kind, caring, honest, sensitive, emotionally available and communicative. I realize I don't have good boundaries, falling in love too quickly, becoming committed to someone who is likely not what I've perceived them to be, and probably has no desire to change themselves at all. So after a few relationships that didn't work out, I realize I have a pattern of picking poorly, falling in love too quickly, staying in bad relationships too long, and going silent and depressed when I feel trapped with them.

Now I don't have a relationship. I'm realizing that I'm attracted to, and by, potential partners that are not what I want in a relationship. I'm to the point that being alone is better than continuing to make the same mistakes over and over again. That said I realize there is no perfect partner out there. It seems like it's a matter of finding someone whose issues don't conflict with my own enough to destroy the relationship...hardly what I was thinking of when I envisioned the relationship I want. I feel I need to slow down my wishful thinking, be mindful of my own and and a potential partners traits and learn trust my gut instincts more. Its something I've never done...I've wanted to believe that because I'm attracted to them, and them to me, that we will be nurturing for each other. I've had a fairytale, idealistic way of looking at love that has got me nowhere...painfully.

Realizing it and changing it are two very different things! It's daunting enough that I want to play it safe and just stay in a cocoon. I realize that staying in my cocoon is something I've done my whole life now. It's quite a thing to become aware of at my age.

Probably an inappropriate place to ask this (and I realize people may not answer) but when it comes to relationship style, do you 'want' that style? Or is it just what it is?

I understand my avoidant BF (who pushes me away) but I can't figure out what is intentional and what is not? Is pushing me away better for him? Then I will go. It's hard to balance compassion and effort with self love and respect.

Thanks.
Lots of nons can and will help and support. But there is so much insecurity and confusion with us, as well.

I can only answer for myself, but it's a build up of anxiety that is relieved by being in solitude. You are fine asking questions. This the place to do it. To be alone, for me, is much less stressful than having to be social and carry on conversations, pretending not to be stressed. It's not a way I choose to feel, I wish I were comfortable and wanting to be communicative...and sometimes I am, but there are times that all I want is to be alone. It's worse when I'm under stress and tired.

It's like going to work and having to be around people exhausts me. I can do it, but there's a price. By the end of the day I'm craving to be alone. If I could, I'd work by myself. In a realation ship with partner, I want to feel intimate and connected...and sometimes I can be very close...but sometimes when I feel my partner doesn't get me, or doesn't realize that I'm wanting to be alone, it's difficult for her. I can't help it though...I have to be alone to feel my anxiety decrease. Interaction with people, especially under stressful circumstances literally exhausts me.

dolphingal wrote:Probably an inappropriate place to ask this (and I realize people may not answer) but when it comes to relationship style, do you 'want' that style? Or is it just what it is?

I understand my avoidant BF (who pushes me away) but I can't figure out what is intentional and what is not? Is pushing me away better for him? Then I will go. It's hard to balance compassion and effort with self love and respect.

Thanks.
Lots of nons can and will help and support. But there is so much insecurity and confusion with us, as well.

My personal opinion is that people expect and deserve a loving, trusting, honest and mutually beneficial relationship. I take a hard line on this, and understand that many do not agree... but I think if somebody acts in an avoidant way and that way is hurtful to their partner, the partner should not have to be in a hurtful relationship like that. The partner should not have to twist themselves into a pretzel in order to accommodate the avoidant. Maybe the loss of a loving partner will prompt the avoidant to seek the help that they need in order to acquire healthier relationships in the future. This is coming from somebody who is not a 'non'.

So nice of you both to answer! I do appreciate it.

My feeling after reading here for many months is that avoidants want love and those with avoidants want to be loved. End of story. If only it were that simple, right?

I have issues, like most anyone else. I have worked on them continuously, but unavailable types continue to pull at my subconscious, replicating my childhood existence.

I do deserve to be loved in a healthy way. My guy is not interested in getting us there. The end.

I will need to accept this, after a month of silence. Anyone that can live without me for a month--by choice--does not really want me. Avoidance issues or not. Tears running down my cheeks. I am done.

Thanks for your thoughts and support.

I'm sorry for you being in the difficult position you are in. I've been there myself after being in a relationship with a person with a PD. In the end, I left the relationship because I realized they were not capable of giving me what was needed for the relationship to continue, not because they had a personality disorder. I've come to believe it often comes down to how self-aware people are. Loss of relationships is perhaps the biggest motivator for a person with a PD to become aware of destructive relationship patterns and perhaps take steps to change themselves. Someone who views their behavior as acceptable and refuses to make any effort to communicate and attempt to come to some resolution is not likely to be a partner who can offer too much in a relationship. That applies to anyone...personality disorder or not.

There are so many levels to being disordered. Some of us are just not going to be capable of getting to an acceptable level of managing our behavior and communicating well enough to be in long term relationship with a partner. It's hard to accept that your needs will not be met when you've sampled the good side of your partners personality in the relationship. Its hard to give up someone you love to save yourself from more stress than you want in a relationship. But, often people are showing us how they really are as you get past the honeymoon phase...its up to the least disordered partner sometimes to determine if they are capable and want to live like that or not. Living with a PD requires abstract means of getting your needs met...something only you can decide if thats for you.

Reality is a bitter pill in these cases and getting over a relationship with a person with a PD can be a tough prospect...wishing to help or fix someone who does not wish to be fixxed is an exercise in frustration. My brain knew it was not going to work, but my heart was not onboard with it yet, so it took some time and no contact for it to sink in. For me, in my relationship, it was difficult to let go because we seemed so good together for the first months of the relationship. Its hard to reslize that it was not reality, but a temporary state of emotion that would not be sustainable. Every aspect of the relationship seemed good or workable. It's hard to realize and accept that the way it begins is a far departure from what will become the norm for behavior down the road. Red flags are there often and you may look back and recognize them with more clarity as you gain some distance from the relationship.

My hope for you is that you gain something from your experience, perhaps about relationships and about yourself. Best wishes for you.