What is your relationship pattern?

I don't have any? Based one the one woman I've dated, but am not in a relationship is - excitement and the whole building a future stuff with that person (in my head). Then anything negative that happens after that, I'm expecting her to give up on me and move on. Which I think just happened.

As a recovering codependent, this situation is very hard. My compassion runs deep, and bailing is not my default position. It feels cruel, even when I am the one being outwardly harmed or abused!

More therapy is clearly needed.

I guess for me, I understood my guy to be avoidant early on. I have known him a long time and we have many mutual friends. So, I did not see cutting me off as the likely outcome. He knows our friends will ask questions!

What do I do? Tell people the absolute truth? "I don't know what happened. He refuses to speak to me." Or keep it to myself and deal . . . to protect everyone? "We're fine. It's just over."

What is best?

I really regret giving this relationship a shot, against my better judgment. He did not have a good track record, regardless of our chemistry and mutual common ground.

I understand avoidant, but I do not understand my future right now. I have never had someone ignoring, avoiding, and eliminating me. How will I handle the next 20 years? Neither of us will leave our place of employment.

-- Mon Jan 26, 2015 3:50 am --

Let me be clear. He has friends, but they are kept at arm's length. They care about him a great deal, but I doubt he will ever see that. He has worked with us all a long time-that is why we are friends.

He trusts no one and no longer trusts me. He said as much. Our friends do not know the things that I know, how alone he is, how he controls his world. I cannot tell people that. I cannot hurt my ex guy, no matter how cruel and cold he has been. He may not realize how trustworthy and loyal I am, but I realize. And it matters.

The problem is how bad I feel and how bad I look. There is no one to protect me.

I've been through the same with my bf (avpd). I think eventually, after his anxiety calms down, he will talk to you again in passing. Especially if you work together.

I can tell you, as the victim of a sexual predator who worked in the same building as myself, that you will eventually get to the point where you can handle it. For over a year, I had panic attacks and avoided the man who sexually abused me (a federal cop who was handling a case that I was the victim of), I developed severe PTSD and had to leave work any time I saw him due to panic attacks. But eventually, I got to the point where I could see him and still go back to work. At one point, he even attempted to walk up to me and flirt with me. I looked straight through him like he was completely invisible and kept walking. It took a long time to get to that point. Eventually he got transferred out of state and I now work from home full time due to my PTSD so it's not an issue anymore.

I have some dependent features so my experiences may not be purely Avoidant responses.

I choose very emotionally unavailable men and my pattern is very approach-avoid. I have only had 2 relationships (well I don't think you could call them that, but for lack of a better word I'll go with that). Basically they start of with them being really into me and pursuing me. I'm cautious but I'll go along with it. But then.... I freak out and start panicking that they are getting way too close. I feel claustrophobic and I get major panic attacks. I then get really avoidant and break up with them. Then it becomes a merry go round of breaking up and getting back together.

One guy said that I won't let anyone love me because I can't tolerate them getting that close, which kind of sums it up. So I really want to be close to someone, but when I am it feels so overwhelming that I shut down. But then when they're gone I fantasise about them all the time to the point where it consumes my whole life.

Unknown_1 wrote:I have some dependent features so my experiences may not be purely Avoidant responses.

I choose very emotionally unavailable men and my pattern is very approach-avoid. I have only had 2 relationships (well I don't think you could call them that, but for lack of a better word I'll go with that). Basically they start of with them being really into me and pursuing me. I'm cautious but I'll go along with it. But then.... I freak out and start panicking that they are getting way too close. I feel claustrophobic and I get major panic attacks. I then get really avoidant and break up with them. Then it becomes a merry go round of breaking up and getting back together.

One guy said that I won't let anyone love me because I can't tolerate them getting that close, which kind of sums it up. So I really want to be close to someone, but when I am it feels so overwhelming that I shut down. But then when they're gone I fantasise about them all the time to the point where it consumes my whole life.

This pretty much sums up me and my current bf. We both follow that same pattern, which makes it extra crazy.

Relationship? Never heard of...
But seriously no, I have never dated anyone, in my whole 28 years of life...
All my relationships happen in my head, in a fantasy world...