Finding a girl... Friend...

When I was in school, I was slimmer, I also had a few girls after me.

I didn't tell them about my AS, and didn't understand why I wouldn't kiss, or hold hands etc.

I am nearly 10 years older and looking for a relationship. I am on dating websites, not knowing how to start to ask a girl out in real life not alone how to do it via online, I was thinking of letting the girls come to me. So far, nothing.

So my question, should I tell them about my AS and I am looking for a girl who is capable to do the following things and understand them before a relationship could even start.

Some (potential) benefits of an AS Partner
• Gentle, kind and courteous
• Intelligent – enjoys knowledge and learning
• Honest and straight-forward
• Child-like and playful
• Good sense of humour
• Practical or technical skills
• Dedicated to relationship


Also I found this,

Asperger Syndrome and Relationships
Many people with Asperger Syndrome find relationships difficult, although most people report that they would like to have a partner.
Relationship issues can result from:
• Sensory Sensitivity – finding physical contact and intimate touching
uncomfortable.
• Socialising – a difficulty in being in social situations in order to meet new people and potential partners.
• Solitude – needing lots of time alone, which may be hard for a partner to understand.
• Empathy and compromise – people with AS may find it difficult to consider a partner’s perspective and appear to be ‘selfish’ and ‘uncaring’.
• Language – due to issues with tone and literal language, an AS partner may sound critical and rude, which may cause conflict in a relationship.
• Perceived criticism – people with AS are often very sensitive to anything which sounds like criticism and they may react by becoming very defensive and unable to discuss issues with a partner
• Responsibility – some people with AS find it hard to make decisions as an equal partnership and will leave all responsibility to their partner. This may make the partner feel resentful at having to make all decisions.



What do you guys think?

Preface: I'm not single nor have I been for a VERY long time, I'm also a girl, so I may just be blowing smoke LOL, but here goes:

ogr wrote:When I was in school, I was slimmer, I also had a few girls after me.

Weren't we all? Slimmer that is. And more attractive. But, as we age, so do our peers, so don't worry about that. That being said, at the risk of being insensitive, how much did you gain? If it's less than 30 pounds or so, then it's probably not as big a deal as you think. It's just that school is a much easier place to meet people than other places, so it seemed it easier then.

ogr wrote:I am nearly 10 years older and looking for a relationship. I am on dating websites, not knowing how to start to ask a girl out in real life not alone how to do it via online, I was thinking of letting the girls come to me. So far, nothing.

I think the two best options for aspies to date are either online, or going to clubs or groups (small ones of course) with similar interests. Either way, even if you meet someone in person, try to get into a texting/IM situation with them, because it's typically much easier for aspies to open up and get to know someone through written word.

ogr wrote:Some (potential) benefits of an AS Partner
• Gentle, kind and courteous
• Intelligent – enjoys knowledge and learning
• Honest and straight-forward
• Child-like and playful
• Good sense of humour
• Practical or technical skills
• Dedicated to relationship

Sounds reasonable to me. Try to make lists (just for yourself) of things you're looking for, in different categories.
1)absolutes (for instance, if you could never be with someone who smokes, or if a sense of humor is a definite "must")
2) "not absolute but they should have" things
3) "would be nice but not necessary"

Try to be specific. Everyone wants "sense of humor" but what kind of humor do YOU want (I'm not asking, just saying to put that in your personal list)

I wouldn't mention aspergers specifically, since a lot of people have "just enough knowledge to get themselves in trouble" if you know what I mean. Do, however, be matter-of-fact about who and how you are. For instance if you're bad at something, just say you're bad at it, not in a way that you're feeling sorry for yourself, but as a statement of fact.

The last two points in your list of difficulties are things that may be hard for an aspie initially but they are things that can and should be overcome. Everything else can be dealt with with the right person.

ogr wrote:I was thinking of letting the girls come to me. So far, nothing.

So far nothing, and probably nothing ever, I must say... Just how it works, unfortunately.

So my question, should I tell them about my AS

I have thought about it myself, if this approach could ever be beneficial. Realistically speaking, I don't think it would be. What might be a good idea instead is to get as close as possible to describing the ways how it affects you the most, without being definite about it, and phrasing such description only in the specific context of your personality. The strengths you listed sound like a good a start for a context (as long as you do believe you have them).

What do you guys think?

I think all those details you listed are generally true and relevant, but should only be introduced gradually and within a proper context.

(Disclaimer: I have no personal experience with this.)

As to advice on this topic.. I have none. / (don't get me wrong, this is just basically a "sad but true, with a laugh.| might just be funny to me.) I am in the same boat. I don't know what to do. I plan on being single for the rest of my life, basically. Sad, but true. If I do find someone I believe it will be in my very late 20's or early thirties. I've had a few girl friends in the past, that we were pretty close. Almost married one. But the last two years things have really developed into......I'm unsure of how to describe this. Basically, I've had a few concussions and aneurysms in my life and things are really starting to take a toll and life is starting to get more challenging than I realized it used to be, for me. Difficulties with speech at times, sometimes deathly afraid of people, even those I see everyday et cetera. I could go on, but there is no need. I believe I have gotten my point across here. As for now, I've been on the online dating scene lately, which I've met a few friends but nothing that has lasted more than a few messages back and forth for a day or two.

All I can say is best of luck to you brother, I will be watching this thread in hope for further advice for myself too.

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Slugger, Anagram. You guys rock. great posts. You guys always have wonderful posts that help so much and sometimes are just plain hilarious. Thank you.

Regards,

Peaceful

anagram wrote:

ogr wrote:I was thinking of letting the girls come to me. So far, nothing.

So far nothing, and probably nothing ever, I must say... Just how it works, unfortunately.

this is how it works: you chase; they let you catch them (assuming they want to be caught). no chase; no catch. simples!!!

anagram wrote:

So my question, should I tell them about my AS

I have thought about it myself, if this approach could ever be beneficial. Realistically speaking, I don't think it would be. What might be a good idea instead is to get as close as possible to describing the ways how it affects you the most, without being definite about it, and phrasing such description only in the specific context of your personality. The strengths you listed sound like a good a start for a context (as long as you do believe you have them).

initially, i don't think so. but if things start to develop then some degree of disclosure is probably inevitable. ironically, i did tell my special friend. i even told her to be very blunt if i was doing anything wrong. and the day we went out separate ways she came out with this long list of things she'd been keeping from me. sad but true.

anagram wrote:

What do you guys think?

I think all those details you listed are generally true and relevant, but should only be introduced gradually and within a proper context.

(Disclaimer: I have no personal experience with this.)

i think that what really matters is how your date experiences you not what some list says.

Dear ogr!
It's difficult to find someone to date and more difficult to meet your another part, your the only one love for the rest of your life and much more difficult to keep someone you love around you.

Doesn't matter if you are an aspie or not.

I advice you to be more active and initiative with girls. Write to them first. Say compliments. Be honest. But it doesn't mean to scream "I have AS!!!" to world

My AS friend told me that he decided to be single all his life... soon he met me

Sponge wrote:My AS friend told me that he decided to be single all his life... soon he met me

This may sound strange, but I think there actually may be a causal link there. Specifically: not being desperate drastically increases your chances of success.

I've said this before and I'll say it again:
Perhaps getting to know single aspie females online might be a good way to establish a significant other relationship down the line...

anagram wrote:

Sponge wrote:My AS friend told me that he decided to be single all his life... soon he met me

This may sound strange, but I think there actually may be a causal link there. Specifically: not being desperate drastically increases your chances of success.

there's an element of truth here but it's by no means the whole truth. desperation is unattractive but so are a lot of other things. arguably, one of the thing that tell most against aspies is the lack of facial expression and appropriate body language. just the inability to smile is going to enormously diminish one's change of meeting someone in the real world.

my special friend often misunderstood me, quite possibly because she was trying to interpret my NVC (non-verbal communication) instead of listening to what i said. and i think NTs do this instinctively too because other NTs are less than scrupulously honest. but if an NT does this with an aspie, the NT'll think the aspie's being dishonest or insincere.

shock_the_monkey wrote: arguably, one of the thing that tell most against aspies is the lack of facial expression and appropriate body language. just the inability to smile is going to enormously diminish one's change of meeting someone in the real world.

I think a lot of these can be learned and subsequently 'faked' to a degree. It was an interesting conversation with my therapist yesterday...as I'm starting a new job today, and really want to make a good impression right from the start. We discussed some strategies for the first few days to try and make a good solid first impression. I doubt I'll remember all the tips, but hopefully some of them.