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Not being listened to - NT/Aspie relationship

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Not being listened to - NT/Aspie relationship

Postby WriteCrazy » Mon Jan 14, 2013 7:40 pm

Hi all,
I'm new here and I am an NT in a relationship with an Aspie.

There are things I need to feel secure enough to move forward in our relationship. Financial security, for one.

I tried telling him this, and explaining why. He countered with all the reasons what I need can't be promised/planned in advance. He claimed to understand, but kept going on with all the "can'ts".

He didn't understand when I told him I didn't feel like he was listening to me, even though I calmly explained why I felt that way (I'm a calm, rational, logical person. Very minute amounts of female drama exist in my being.)

I struggle with knowing if I am cut out for a lifetime with an Aspie. When I told him this, because I am trying to be honest, he said he thought I could do it. And if I couldn't, I could get the strength from God. He didn't sound alarmed or bothered that this is even an issue for me (though he says a lot he's afraid of losing me), or that it's something we need to work through somehow.

He is a great person, very loyal and has a lot of wonderful qualities that I love about him. But now I worry that he'll never listen and always pass off my concerns/needs as irrelevant because he always thinks he's right.

Is this typical for an Aspie? Is it something that if he is made aware of it clearly and logically, it can be consciously worked on?
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Re: Not being listened to - NT/Aspie relationship

Postby shock_the_monkey » Mon Jan 14, 2013 8:09 pm

sounds like my father. doesn't listen. doesn't care about other's points of view. i personally wouldn't bank on him changing. people with AS have good points and bad points. one of the good points of men with AS is their loyalty. you need to decide if you can live with the bad to enjoy the good. it's not an easy decision. but no one's perfect. i'd say 'not even men that are NT' but 'especially' might be closer to the mark.

i'll just add that ultimately it doesn't much matter whether he listens to you or not. actions speak louder than words. you don't have to do anything you don't want to, so don't. if you're not happy progressing this relationship, put it on hold. and if he asks you why, just tell him you've explained that you're not happy and can't move forward until you are. if that doesn't get his attention, chances are you'll need to look elsewhere for a relationship.
Last edited by shock_the_monkey on Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:41 pm, edited 3 times in total.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Not being listened to - NT/Aspie relationship

Postby slugger » Mon Jan 14, 2013 8:30 pm

I could be totally off the mark here, but it sounds like perhaps you're asking him to promise that you will always be "financially secure" (or something like that), and if the question is vague like that he may be taking the question too literally and giving a very objectively-accurate reply. He can't technically promise something like that (this is a typical aspie thing, to not be able to generalize an answer because it's technical not accurate).
If this is the case, is there a way you can rephrase the question to something more like asking him if he promises to "always try his best" and to "have the family as top priority financially" or whatever questions like that that make sense to you?
For instance I can't promise my husband that I'll always be able to share 1/2 the bills because, after all, a meteor could hit the building I work in and I wouldn't be able to work. That's tongue-in-cheek of course, but hopefully you see what I'm getting at. You can't control the future, but one can promise to always try and to have a plan, and things like that.

Just a thought, if I'm off-base then never mind!
Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on it's ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid. ~Albert Einstein

It is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart. ~Ghandi
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Re: Not being listened to - NT/Aspie relationship

Postby WriteCrazy » Mon Jan 14, 2013 8:35 pm

@Shock_the_monkey:
Thanks.

@Slugger:
Ah, yes, actually we discussed that because he thought that was what I was saying. We had talked a while ago about having a specific amount of money saved up before moving forward, because we may be moving out of state. I don't see us having that money in the time-frame necessary. He sees that as irrelevant, and he doesn't make logical plans, either. :/

Thanks, you were spot-on with part of it.
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Re: Not being listened to - NT/Aspie relationship

Postby sabrdawg » Mon Jan 14, 2013 8:55 pm

I would say, if you're concerned with spending a lifetime with this person and have financial doubts, why not just enjoy things as they are at the moment? "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" as they say. As far as money management goes, I'm horrible. My dad was on my case again last night about it. I realize he's only trying to help, and my parents help me immeasurably, however sometimes it's just the last thing I want to hear. I can also understand how your SO might have trouble grasping the concept of "financial security." Questions such as...for how long? What dollar amount can you put on financial security? What do we each need to put into the equation to make it work?...are probably running through his head.

May I ask how old both of you are? I don't know whether or not/how long you've lived independently or how long you've been in a relationship, but perhaps all it takes is more time. If it looks like things will be rough in the future if they continue the way they are in the present, then maybe it's not the time to move forward just yet but rather slow the pace and work on things while enjoying what you have now. Granted, I've never lived on my own or been in a relationship so this is just an objective opinion. Hope this provides some insight! :)
Normal is overrated :D
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Re: Not being listened to - NT/Aspie relationship

Postby slugger » Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:00 pm

OK, I see. At least you already got that part worked out. I've been down that road and had to learn myself how to not be so anal about stuff like that!
So, it sounds like you feel that he's not taking the financial stuff seriously enough. That's understandable. Maybe he personally doesn't see it as important as you do so he's having a hard time understanding why it's important to you. What he needs to understand is that when you have a partner, it doesn't matter WHY something is important to the other person, it just IS and that needs to be respected and addressed. I've been there too, even now, I can't understand why the NFL is so important to my husband, but I try to keep reminding myself that it just IS, and I need to remember to respect that. I now own a jacket and several t-shirts with our local team's logo on it :wink:
That being said, it comes down to what Shock said, you can hope that he comes around and understands, but you can't count on it changing, so for now you have to decide whether you can accept him as he is or not.
Good luck!
Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on it's ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid. ~Albert Einstein

It is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart. ~Ghandi
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Re: Not being listened to - NT/Aspie relationship

Postby WriteCrazy » Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:46 pm

@Sabrdawg:
When you're working toward a marriage within the next eight months, you can't exactly just chill and not think about the future. ;)
I completely understand that one can't put a number amount on financial security. My dad's always worked hard, and things have always been tight, but my mom's never had to worry if dinner will be on the table.
We're possibly moving out of state, and he doesn't plan. We'd talked about having a set number in the bank before we get married, as a fall-back, and I need that, because he has no idea how we will find jobs or an apartment or anything. He doesn't think those sorts of things are plan-able, I think they are. *shrug*

I'm nineteen and he is twenty-one.

Thanks :)

@Slugger:
Yup. He is very literalistic, and living with literalistic siblings has helped me in that respect to try and remember how he thinks. I don't mind that....we both have to ask for clarification pretty often. :)
Yeah, and like he's not taking my concerns about it seriously enough to do something to alleviate them, in a way that helps me relax and not stress.
Thanks :)
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Re: Not being listened to - NT/Aspie relationship

Postby shock_the_monkey » Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:59 pm

WriteCrazy wrote:When you're working toward a marriage within the next eight months, you can't exactly just chill and not think about the future. ;)

...

I'm nineteen and he is twenty-one.

you don't think that perhaps you're rushing this a bit, do you??? given your concerns, i'd be thinking of taking a fair bit more time before i got hitched. marry in haste. repent at leisure. you must have heard that one?!!!
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: Not being listened to - NT/Aspie relationship

Postby WriteCrazy » Mon Jan 14, 2013 11:02 pm

My parents married really young, his parents married really young, many other people I know did. So I don't think age is an issue. We're talking to parents and other people we trust, every step. And if we don't get these things worked out soon, slowing down is what I will tell him I need.
Thanks for your concern. :)
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Re: Not being listened to - NT/Aspie relationship

Postby slugger » Mon Jan 14, 2013 11:16 pm

WriteCrazy wrote:My parents married really young, his parents married really young, many other people I know did. So I don't think age is an issue. We're talking to parents and other people we trust, every step. And if we don't get these things worked out soon, slowing down is what I will tell him I need.
Thanks for your concern. :)


I hear you, but to be honest, I think aspies tend to mature slower than others. I married the first time at 22 and for ME personally, that was too young. I do know people who are mature enough for such things at a younger age, and you sound mature to me, so you may well be ready, but HE may not be. Maybe he is on some levels, but not on others. At least the good news, being so young there is a greater chance that he will come around and mature in the financial area as well.
Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on it's ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid. ~Albert Einstein

It is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart. ~Ghandi
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