Not being listened to - NT/Aspie relationship

You said you needed financial security and he responded honestly and openly that financial security cannot be fully guaranteed. This is true for most people, something unexpected happens and it exhausts your financial resources.

Of course what you wanted was to feel like you were in a financially secure situation or some sort of reassurance that the two of you were working toward that direction. However, it seems to me that you didn't communicate that very clearly so you're getting worked up about nothing.

slugger wrote:

WriteCrazy wrote:My parents married really young, his parents married really young, many other people I know did. So I don't think age is an issue. We're talking to parents and other people we trust, every step. And if we don't get these things worked out soon, slowing down is what I will tell him I need.
Thanks for your concern.

I hear you, but to be honest, I think aspies tend to mature slower than others. I married the first time at 22 and for ME personally, that was too young. I do know people who are mature enough for such things at a younger age, and you sound mature to me, so you may well be ready, but HE may not be. Maybe he is on some levels, but not on others.

to be really honest with you, slugger is spot-on here. there's a reason why AS is called a developmental disorder. it takes people with AS quite a lot longer to mature in certain areas than those that are NT (if, indeed, they ever do). when you wrote ...

WriteCrazy wrote:I'm nineteen and he is twenty-one.

.. i nearly wrote 'are you sure you've got that the right way around?!!!'. but i thought better of it. sometimes my sense of humour gets me into trouble (and i'm late 40s now!). you sound really mature for 19. but he doesn't sound very mature for 21. and certainly not for a life long commitment like marriage. i know you're in love. but don't rush this. the trick to doing most things well is the preparation. a little more preparation might well pay dividends in the long run. and please be assured that i'm only telling you this for your own happiness.

slugger wrote:At least the good news, being so young there is a greater chance that he will come around and mature in the financial area as well.

however, this i'm not so sure about. my father never has. i think you might have to accept that this is an area where you'll have to 'wear the trousers' and he'll need to accept that too. it's things like this that you need to 'iron out' before you 'tie the knot'. because afterwards you could find it neigh on impossible to infuence these areas. and, as you've already stated, you find that unacceptable.

good luck.

Ah, now that you've said you're planning to marry in 8 months that puts things a bit more into persepctive But it threw me for a loop when you stated that you are 19 and 21. You guys are so young! While I did have the idea you were much older because you do sound so mature, I'd have to agree with those who mentioned waiting a bit. Aspies do tend to take their time as far as development goes; I'm turning 30 in two months and I don't feel anywhere NEAR that stage of life. Granted, I have no intentions to get married as I've never been interested in a relationship, so I'm a bit unique on that note, however I've always felt much younger than I am and I'm still stuck somewhere in my teens I do realize that everyone is different and respect that, and I don't know anything about either of your situations so I can't speak on them. I'm just saying that this age is very young, even for someone that is mature for their age, to make such a life-changing decision. Aspie or not, one is just beginning to find their path in life and shaping their personality. It's part of the developmental stage. Again, if this is what you feel is right for you, I'm not trying to sound discouraging. Is this something you really want to jump into after just starting to experience life beyond high school, while you still have so much time to figure out what both of you want in life as well as time to enjoy your carefree years? You have plenty of time to grow and learn more about yourselves as well as each other

Just another thought I figured I'd add....when I was 19 as well as 21, I was far from financially stable. I was still at my first job at a fast food restaurant

Even at this time while working a full-time job as well as a relief position, I'd be far from having the means to live on my own, and I have no intent to leave home anytime soon, anyway. One day at a time

slugger wrote:

WriteCrazy wrote:I hear you, but to be honest, I think aspies tend to mature slower than others. I married the first time at 22 and for ME personally, that was too young. I do know people who are mature enough for such things at a younger age, and you sound mature to me, so you may well be ready, but HE may not be. Maybe he is on some levels, but not on others. At least the good news, being so young there is a greater chance that he will come around and mature in the financial area as well.

sabrdawg wrote:I'm turning 30 in two months and I don't feel anywhere NEAR that stage of life. Granted, I have no intentions to get married as I've never been interested in a relationship, so I'm a bit unique on that note, however I've always felt much younger than I am and I'm still stuck somewhere in my teens

shock_the_monkey wrote:to be really honest with you, slugger is spot-on here. there's a reason why AS is called a developmental disorder. it takes people with AS quite a lot longer to mature in certain areas than those that are NT (if, indeed, they ever do). when you wrote ...

These are very important to note with Aspies.

I'm also not very mature in some areas, really bad in some areas. I know my limitations, though, so that helps...but I'm still living like I'm in my teens in a heck of a lot of ways.

The advice here has been excellent, I just wanted to reinforce the point that maturity in certain areas is very difficult for aspies... If you really like him, you'll understand that and won't really rush things.

@TDT,

So I'm not alone! How old are you? Although I have two jobs as I mentioned above, as well as a Bachelor's Degree, I honestly don't feel any older than I did in high school. I do have a bit more responsibilities than I did then, however as far as interests and the way I act, nothing's really changed. The stuff that I thought was boring and for older people back then, I think the same of now. The things I really enjoyed back then are things that I still have the same passion for. Video games, going to the movies, acting goofy....I definitely can see just by logging into Facebook that a lot of my peers are on a different page of life than I am. Getting ecstatic because they're getting a new washer and dryer? Talking about going to bed already at 10pm? Eh, to each their own I guess

I still have a lot of work to do as far as being "independent," but I also realize my limits and value the importance of taking things at my own pace! Why rush if I don't have to, or if it would cause more harm than good?

Thanks for all the discussion/advice/tips, guys. I appreciate it very much.
After a lot of thought/prayer/advice from people I trust, we talked last night and I told him I needed to step back - completely, just to being friends. Right now it is too much of a roller-coaster (we didn't find out he had AS until this fall, and he struggles a lot socially and with daily life. Being in a LDR until recently, I didn't realize what that really entailed) and it is too hard for me and not healthy for either one of us. Someday it might work out........but I really think we need to be healthy individuals before we try to be a healthy team. He can do it, I know he has the potential, but it's going to take time and I need the relationship distanced some so I can stay objective.This is so difficult because I love him dearly, yet as weird as it sounds, I'm doing it because I love him as much as I'm doing it for my/our well-being.
Eh. Life. It's so messy.

I know you love me and I know you're doing what you think is best. I'm willing to give you space and I am definitely going to get help. I'm starting to understand things better and I wish I was able to use what I now understand before this had to happen...

That's awesome to hear from you both, and glad to see the two of you a part of the forum! It sounds like you're making a very healthy and wise decision. Sometimes there's a lot less drama when you stick to just being friends. You're both growing and learning about yourselves. Now, you can relax, have fun and enjoy being the kids that you are

-sent from an almost 30-year-old who is still a kid herself

I totally had no idea there was any "drama" until Tuesday night. I'm so oblivious.