Help for brother?

My brother has Asperger's and is 25 years old. He went almost all of his childhood undiagnosed with Asperger's but had various diagnoses such as ADD and hypersensitivity disorder. During college he went into a tailspin of social withdrawal and we removed him from his cockroach infested apartment after dropping out at a weight of just 125 lbs (and 6'). We got more information on Asperger's and my parents agreed to care for him full time if he would talk to a therapist and follow their protocol. This was disagreeable to him and he has been homeless and directionless since.

Me and my parents have tried to care for him by giving him money, offering therapy, connecting him for jobs or just providing encouragement but he has become more and more distant--now refusing all help and almost all contact. He emailed my mom recently and sent her a long, scathing note accusing her of being a terrible parent (pointing fingers at her for feeling sorry for herself during intense cancer treatment) and calling my father the devil. He said that he is on earth for one purpose ('to speak Godly truth') and made it clear he actually believes my father is the devil.

At this point, his only contact to us is through abusive emails--we don't know where he sleeps and he does not have a phone. Could his illness be more than Asperger's or is religious obsession or delusion typical of someone who is intensely affected by it? Anyone with Asperger's have advice on how to help him? My last contact with him was an email I sent that said simply "I love you and want to hear from you, but if I don't, I understand. Know that you are on my mind". He never responded.

I'm sorry to hear about what's going on there....and I wish I could really figure out a good way of how to dealing with the situation...but i'm not really sure.

How much space have you given him? It could be that he needs to be willing to come back and contact you two...so instead of initiating the contact, trying to wait to receive contact may work. Unfortunately, if he's withdrawn from society, he may be more depressed than anything else...in which case if he's not willing to go to therapy, he may not be willing to take medication for the depression either.

I wouldn't take what he's saying about the family too personally. Unfortunately, memory is very subjective most of the time...and even good events can be seen as bad in some situations. He may honestly believe what he's saying..or he may not (maybe he's trying to push people away...?)

I'm not sure the best way to address this kinda problem though. When I've gotten very socially isolated, people usually just leave me be..and I'll eventually go back to them again. It's happened a few times, weeks at a time but not too much longer than that...months/years of being totally social withdrawn isn't something I'm familiar with.

I'm sorry to hear that your brother is going through this situation, and that he is not turning to all of you for help. The unfortunate thing is, he has to decide that he wants help in order to get out of the rut that he is in. From what you described, it sounds to me like he is dealing with more than Asperger's. The fact that he believes your father is the devil is definitely something that should be looked into further. It sounds like a fixed delusion. I'm not a doctor, of course, so this is just my opinion.

Perhaps his reason for withdrawing is because he feels that his independence has been taken away. He lived on his own, and now his family is asking him if they can be his caretakers. I've never gone through this, so I have no idea what it's like (I still live at home). Given the fact that his apartment was infested with cockroaches, he most likely does need a higher level of care.

I would give him a little space, and wait maybe a month or two before emailing him again. Approach him in a way that shows that you are there to listen to him vent and don't push the subject right away. Maybe if he feels that he can confide in you, he'll be more willing to open up and ask for help. Good luck and hope things are looking up

Going a little further with sabrdawg's comment...

I have had my father asked for me to live with him again. I think that had to do less with necessarily a need for me, as it was something he wants (He still likes taking care of me,and in some ways it's really helpful).

I've been very resistant toward his help, though, in this area. It's not so much because I dislike him or anything, but because I'm also very very independent and have been for years (although, I admit there are times when my father's help is necessary or at least very helpful).

Maybe your brother is in a similar situation...and sabrdawg is on the right track..that the independence is being taken away. The feeling of barely being able to make it would be bad too, maybe that's leading to the depression to a degree too..

Hi There

Though i'd share my personal experience with you.

littlerose13 wrote:We got more information on Asperger's and my parents agreed to care for him full time if he would talk to a therapist and follow their protocol.

One thing that we realized is that my wife have a natural tendency to "set the protocol" of how things ought to work. She do have a natural knack for organizing things, and are usually correct in setting the agenda of how things need to happen but ..................

The anxiety that this causes me is extreme, I often get a feeling over me that I just want to pack up my things and run.

Funny thing is that if she change it to "I would suggest we solve our problem this way. Think about it a little and let me know what you say we must do", it changes the things completely.

I get the option (and time) to think and realize that the best option was given to me in the first place, and just go with what she offered as a solution.

For some way that i cannot describe, we end up realizing that in trying to get "odd" solutions for solving some of our challenges, we get ways to move forward with less disruption.

My though is that maybe what you are offering him, and what he's hearing that he's going to get, are by way of "communication disruption" as described above just making him so anxious that he's fearing the worst.

Might it be that if you keep on changing tack wit hhim, you might just find a solution that will work?

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you find a solution.

i'll be brief because i'm not sure there's much i feel i can comment on. however, in my experience people with AS tend to be atheistic. few believe in any spiritual dimension to life. also, i detect a certain level of psychosis in what you've said about his behaviour. but it might just be his life is on a downward spiral and he's lashing out at anyone and everyone. either way, i think he needs more help than you or your family can provide. and i honestly think you'll not be able to influence him. i wish i could tell you not to worry. but i can't. it's not good to love someone and be powerless to help them. i guess all i can really tell you is just keep trying.

Once paranoia is installed (for whatever reason), attempts at breaking it tend to reinforce it instead. I can't offer any real advice on what to do, but I can tell you that it's not your fault if you don't manage to find a way to help.

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. Your insights are incredibly helpful and reassuring to me. Unfortunately, my brother has been homeless for nearly three years so I imagine he has been in a dark place and has only been getting worse for a long time. I can't imagine that he feels his independence being taken away at this point as he has not lived at home in over seven years and we have never pressured him to move back in with my parents since they approached him three years ago.

It is tempting to email him and tell him he's delusional and selfish for saying such hurtful things to and about our parents but reading from you that this may only reinforce his paranoia will keep me from doing anything of the sort. It is odd because in his last communications he accuses his family of hating him and not offering him enough help while at the same time pushing away all offers. That is one reason I felt compelled to reach out here--thinking perhaps there is a way to approach him that we have not tried. Based on your feedback, I think my best plan is to just email him intermittently that I love and care for him. If you have any other advice on how to interact or words that might bring him solace, I would love to hear them as I am at a complete loss. Also any feedback on dealing with asperger's and psychosis if he were to accept therapy would be incredible.

Asperger's itself has nothing to do with psychosis. With Asperger's there's usually a tendency towards thought patterns that, to most people, seem overly restricted to logic. Paranoid psychosis is the exact opposite in this regard (strong attachment to ideas that don't seem to follow any logical reasoning). Autistic detachment is in large part a matter of different means of visualizing and expressing ideas, but not really a problem with thoughts and ideas themselves.

Paranoid detachment is a very strong defensive reaction based on completely illogical perceptions that feel so real to the individual that anything and anyone who defies their literal interpretation is perceived as a threat and treated as such. Neurological mechanisms prevent the person from being able to question the unreal perceptions without suffering immensely. Autistic detachment makes communication difficult, but it tends to get better. Paranoid detachment makes it virtually impossible, and it tends to get worse.

To date, the only consistent way known to alleviate delusional perceptions (and therefore allow logic to be used constructively instead of defensively) is antipsychotic medication. Unfortunately, a paranoid individual who has been consistently refusing help for so long will most likely interpret an attempt at being convinced to take medication as a very threatening attack. Also, antipsychotic medication can sometimes be debilitating, so many people stop taking them and start having delusions again.

This is really one of the most complicated situations that still defy psychology and psychiatry. I think your best bet is to look for information (and maybe direct help) from people and organizations who deal specifically with homeless people. They will probably have some experience with the mentally ill, and might be able to approach him on your behalf without him knowing about it.

anagram wrote:Asperger's itself has nothing to do with psychosis. With Asperger's there's usually a tendency towards thought patterns that, to most people, seem overly restricted to logic. Paranoid psychosis is the exact opposite in this regard (strong attachment to ideas that don't seem to follow any logical reasoning). Autistic detachment is in large part a matter of different means of visualizing and expressing ideas, but not really a problem with thoughts and ideas themselves.

from my perspective they're independent but not exclusive. ie: one can have either or both to varying degree. and i'm of the opinion that paranoia is somewhat different altogether. simplistically, psychosis and neurosis are about perception. psychosis is a distortion in external reality (the world). neurosis is a distortion in internal reality (one's self). i'm sure someone will correct me if i'm wrong here.

that said, and form of criticism is definitely out, even if it's just objective. it's difficult to address any specific issue if you don't know what that issue is. one of the things i'll point out, and i'm not saying who's right or wrong here (ie: being judgemental), is that you do seem very dismissive of his complaints. it does lead to question: are you really listening??? because if you'rre not you'll never know what's cause this rift. and if you don't know you won't be able to actively plan to do anything constructive to fix it. that's you're problem, really. has he simply gone off the rails, as you imply, or is there some tangible basis for his feelings towards your parents. unfortunately, as an outsider it's not possible for me to answer that question. firstly, i'd only have one side of the story. secondly, there's not enough detail in what you've written to really appreciate the whole situation. i still think he needs some form of professional help. but you can't force this on him. and if he's not causing any real problems in society, chances are the authorities won't intervene either. i think i said this before. there's really little you can do at present other than keep the channels of communication, such as they are, open until he decides he wants some form of help from and/or closer contact with you and your parents.