Asperger's syndrome girl with a crush...

Before I explain my situation, here is some information to help you answer me :
- I have AS (of course)

- I'm a girl

- I am in high school

- Since middle school I have been bullied and whenever it seemed like anyone liked me, they insulted me and even threatened to get violent with me to prove they don't like me.

- I have never kissed anyone or dated anyone and I think I'm too young for the stuff (and don't get me started on the right age for "other stuff")

Anyway, I have a crush on this boy at school. There are times when I look at him and he catches me and his friend laugh. The thing is, he does not laugh at all when his friends are not around. At times I think he likes me but I think it's just in my head because he has told my sister he does not like me (but people tell me that he has called me cute so I am confused). I have tried many ways to get him to like me:

- Told other students I like him so it could travel back to him( but that was a bad idea)

- Took better care of my looks (he does not seem to care)

- Made letters (but I'm to shy to give them to him)

- Now I'm trying to learn this middle eastern lang he speaks, Urdu

There are many reasons why I feel I should stop myself from liking him :

- I'm too young to date (mom says I can date but I don't think so, plus she is not the best person to talk to about that since she got pregnant with me and my sister at only 21)
- He does act very outlandish (well, this is an urban area)
- If we date I might have to kiss him (too young, remember?)
- I feel bad when I think of him because I think of s-e-xual stuff "I don't want to spell the word" when I think of him and I'm way too young for that.

Any reason why you keep worrying about age?

Instead, you really should probably concern yourself more about what "feels right" for you, and don't worry about age. Age, in of itself, is a measuring tool used by too many people. "You're too young for X" "You're too old for Y". It's a society problem.

Reading through your post though, it sounds like you like him, but you don't think you should. Most of these reasons seem to relate to how old you believe you need to be to do something. You should go at things slowly, but just don't do something because you're worried about age so much.

With that said...it's customary for men to make the initial date request. I don't understand why that is...and if you really like him, why not ask him out? You aren't forced to kiss, hold hands, or have sex. You could just hang out, spend time with him, and so on. There's no reason why you shouldn't try.

I also should give you a bit of regret from my point of view. When I was younger, in middle school, there were people I was really attracted to. I knew they were attracted to me, too, and I never asked them out. Even to this day, I regret doing that. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out in the long run, maybe it would have, but I was stupid for not going for it. The same was with some people in HS, and even college. There's a "fear" I have about this as well..but it's illogical, and stupid.

With that in mind, I really really recommend tossing out the "I'm too young/old for X", because you're limiting yourself. Instead, think about your desires, what you want, your feelings, and your comfort level and try it out. If you want to go out with him, you should ask him. I wish more females would do that, I find it unfair it's up to the guys to make these initial moves.

Hmm...I guess the reason I use age so much is it is my way of really saying "I don't want to do this thing until marriage". While of course I will kiss and date before I marry, I say I'm too young to date because lots of people think that date= s-e-x.. So I guess I feel that if we date and I kiss him, even when it ends after a couple months (most people don't really marry their high school crushes), people will think that I had s-e-x with him and will not believe me no matter what I say (I already have a problem with my mom not trusting me when I say I'm waiting until marriage, she will say "Sure..." and I've picked up some social stuff to know what that means, plus sometimes she will just say that I can't be sure).

If others think you had sex, then so be it. It shouldn't matter what they think or don't think..at least when it comes to you trying to be happy. Peer pressure sucks, it's not worth dealing with.

Dating isn't necessarily about sex. I've dated, a fair amount, in the past and trust me - it doesn't have to lead to sex unless you want it to.

Plus...sex is just sex, it's an activity. Don't let it ruin the idea of dating. Don't make too big of a deal out of it...but also don't necessarily engage in sex until you're ready. It can have life-changing consequences, especially if you're unfamiliar with it.

Hi Brianna, Welcome. You sound so much like a young "me", except that back then I'd never heard of aspergers, and I was still working on being able to talk to ANYone, after having selective mutism as a kid. (Not that I knew there was name for that either, I just thought I was extremely shy)
I think I know what you mean about "too young". It's not about the number of age you are, or whether 15 or 16 or 18 is "too young" for this or that, it's about what YOU are ready for. I was like you, not ready for anything until much later than my peers. I saw people being "boyfriend and girlfriend", and it meant nothing to me, I had no "feelings" of that type until I was at least 15. So, the "other stuff"? Forget it!
At least back then (early 1980's) I don't think there was quite as much peer pressure to be doing "things" as there is now. So that sucks if there's more pressure these days. For you, you need to be really strong in your opinions on what is right for you, and you need to have confidence in your opinions. That is to say, you can look at your friends and say "That's just not for me, so what?" And if anyone thinks you're odd in your opinions, don't let it bother you. The more confident you are, the more people will accept you for who you are. I know that is WAY easier said than done (it gets much easier as you get older though, trust me), but that's what you have to try and do.

As far as this guy, I think he sounds "two-faced". I know you are attracted to him, and at your age attraction can feel really strong, but don't be afraid to let your asperger-logic override your subjective thoughts. I don't feel like I have enough information to give any specific advice, just don't let peer pressure sway your decisions. Any stay strong in what you feel you're ready for or not ready for. You may or may not end up waiting for marriage, but that should be up to YOU, and you alone.

I'm a female aspie, in my 40's, and I've been through what you're going through. So if you would like, you can PM me, if you want to talk about things that might be too sensitive for the public forum. I'd be happy to talk about whatever you need to talk about.

At this age a man thinks he's a lion, but when push comes to shove he's only a mouse with a very loud microphone. Past silly, and with his foot in his mouth most of the time.

What I do appreciate, is that you have the decency to be a real woman, and I applaud you for that. I go down on my knees every night and pray that my daughter will be like this when she's your age.

If you have the opportunity and it might me possible, a group date could be a way to find out for yourself how he acts if he's away from school, and give you more of an idea of his true colors. A movie or such is also a low pressure way of getting to the next step.

Make contact with slugger, if only someone was around when I was young, this mouse would not have left his microphone at home when he needed to roar at a young lioness.

briannavon wrote:Before I explain my situation, here is some information to help you answer me :
- I have AS (of course)

- I'm a girl

- I am in high school

- Since middle school I have been bullied and whenever it seemed like anyone liked me, they insulted me and even threatened to get violent with me to prove they don't like me.

- I have never kissed anyone or dated anyone and I think I'm too young for the stuff (and don't get me started on the right age for "other stuff")

Anyway, I have a crush on this boy at school. There are times when I look at him and he catches me and his friend laugh. The thing is, he does not laugh at all when his friends are not around. At times I think he likes me but I think it's just in my head because he has told my sister he does not like me (but people tell me that he has called me cute so I am confused). I have tried many ways to get him to like me:

- Told other students I like him so it could travel back to him( but that was a bad idea)

- Took better care of my looks (he does not seem to care)

- Made letters (but I'm to shy to give them to him)

- Now I'm trying to learn this middle eastern lang he speaks, Urdu

There are many reasons why I feel I should stop myself from liking him :

- I'm too young to date (mom says I can date but I don't think so, plus she is not the best person to talk to about that since she got pregnant with me and my sister at only 21)
- He does act very outlandish (well, this is an urban area)
- If we date I might have to kiss him (too young, remember?)
- I feel bad when I think of him because I think of s-e-xual stuff "I don't want to spell the word" when I think of him and I'm way too young for that.

You're cool

How old are you? I'm a LOT like you. I'm 29 and have never dated, and have never had any desire to. I always felt that the ages a lot of kids start to date are way too young. Or marriage for instance....I personally feel way young for that stage in life. Not that I ever intend to get married, anyway and I think I will always feel like a kid, so maybe that's part of it. So as far as the crush stuff, I really can't relate to you on that note, but the feeling too young for a lot of things is totally me. And as far as the "s" word goes....yeah, that's not even in my vocabulary It's good to know that there are others out there! Feel free to PM me anytime to chat

I think talking to Slugger is a good idea. A lot of us are able to help, but there are likely unique things that females go through with AS, that males can't really relate to as well. Slugger has been very good about providing very useful advice on this forum, she's an excellent person to talk to.

If there are other things that you want opinions on, feel free to continue posting on these forums. In general, everyone's fairly helpful. There are many things that have been discussed that wouldn't have come up unless it was a crowd effort. As may have been said..and as you may be aware, just don't post personal stuff. We don't know how old you are, and quite honestly we shouldn't know really anything personal about you. You should keep it that way. While I doubt we have too many creepy people here, it's just a general internet rule to remain safe.

I agree that Slugger gives lots of awesome input! As far as asking about age, I do that for relativity purposes. That's why I tell mine, too. This way I can either say, "hey, I'm where you're at and going through that, too!" or "I've been there!" briannavon, I also want to let you know that I think your position on these ideas is very admirable. If only the majority of high school kids could be this way!

i'm a little surprised you think 21 is too young to have children. i think the legal age of consent in the UK is 16. and i get the impression that you think sex is in some way wrong. and that's causing you to have mixed feeling about being attracted to this boy. first thing you need to realise is that there's nothing wrong with sex between consenting adults. second thing you need to realise is that if you keep rejecting your natural desires you'll deny yourself the experience of what a sexual relationship is all about. that doesn't mean you have to jump into this feet first. but it does mean being a little more open to gaining some experience of the opposite sex. i candidly think you could loosen up a lot without having to loose any of your moral virtue. but it's up to you. if you do want to, i suggest you simply ask this boy he'd like to engage in some mutual activity with you. seeing a film is always an easy option. you both spend most of the time watching the film so there's less potential for awkward moments and it's a focal point for conversation too. the real reason people never ask is fear of rejection. provided you don't mind that you've little to loose. and if it doesn't work out, at least you've had the experience and will be better able to try again, until ultimately you find someone you think is right for you.