If I don't kill myself,my family will.if not my country will

[Wintuer]

If I don't kill myself, my family will. And If my family doesn't. By law the country will.


I know this is really long. But, I tried to give every corner of my life to understand this problem, fully.
Hello, I'd like to first note that I want a solution for my problem, not pity nor unwanted attention. All I want is a solution.
Because the only solution I can see is suicide. I don't want to die before not living. But I need to because my parents will kill me instead. Also it's the best revenge for them.

At first I'd like to paint an image of how my life begun and how it became now My dad has finished college of medicine in his country
and had an arranged marriage which became successful and they had me after a year. After two years he went to get a scholarship in
Vancouver BC, Canada. As a two year old in Canada I've lived a very normal life other than seeing my mother deal with depression. Daily.
She was frightened and could not cope with the western society as she has lived her entire life in her country. It was rather strange and new for her.
Also, because she can no longer see her family except when she visits them every two year.

I was surprised of my vivid memory as a three year old waking up in the middle of the night seeing my mother sleeping in the couch
I got out of bed since my dad left the bedroom checking on my mother. I heard the conversation. In a tearful tone she said '' Why
have I married you? You're the reason I can't see my family anymore. I hate you! I wish I never married you." Now, I think. It's
natural she was 20 and it was uncommon to be separated from your family while living in a foreign country. I remember my mother
was too depressed she wanted to die. She used to go to a therapist. She was home sick. She tried to hide but I could see right through it.

It all lasted for 8 years. In these 8 years I got into a Muslim school. I wore the Hijab at first grade as part of the uniform.
I was convinced that Islam was the one. And Allah is the merciful. Although I have always questioned our existence
as a child no one knew how to answer me. Instead they quoted the Qur'an.

After 8 years, we got back from Canada. And lived in our hometown. A small area where everyone knows everyone. A very poor area. With a broken window house and a half broken car. Any girl who walks alone there might get raped. robbed. or even killed. it's scary.
My grandparents lives next to us. Although my mother still was depressed. She couldn't cope now in her hometown.
She thinks everyone treated her differently now that she came back. So she avoided everyone. I got to school there
and everyone treated me differently I did not know Arabic. Why did they make me go to an Arabic school? My dad
suggested that I should be in Arabic school to learn Arabic. While my mother wanted me to go to an international
school. I've been treated differently by everyone. Teachers, cousins, family. I had a hard time coping in their environment

I look European. My ancestors were turkey, Persian and so on. after
I've finally blended with their society in a way i could survive but not be satisfied. my dad decided to move to another city. Same country.

Here is where it all begun. This city is different from our hometown. The capital. I got to school there until now I am
in 11th grade. At first I was treated differently again. I didn't have any decent friend. until 9th grade. Now everyone
either admires me from my exotic European look. Or hated me because I looked like a foreigner and still be called Saudi.
They tell me to go back to my country. And they doubt where I come from. I don't even look like them. Not physically nor mentally.


I was informed to wear the hijab since I matured. Luckily though, I look twelve even till this day But because of my height.
I had to wear it. From this day I thought to myself why should women wear the Hijab? Why are women treated this way?
Why don't they drive and so on. it's not traditions. it's Islam. In 4 years of searching and thinking I became to the conclusion.
That Islam is not the right religion. It's not for me. If I had to become Muslim I would change who I am as a person. And that
god was just a myth. Although people might disagree. But my mind did not accept god without evidence. I do not need religion
to guide me in life. To tell me what's wrong or right. I hate the idea of being controlled by men. by society. to be a certain way. It's unacceptable.

I had to act like a muslim.As a non believer do you know hard that was for me? Pretending to be something I am not. I am now
17 years old. After one year. I have to go study abroad. Immigrate. Anything. I no longer can stay in a country that differs from
my views. As an atheist I can't live here. My mother knows about this. She didn't believe me she thinks it's a phase or this will go
away. My mother now has manic depression she takes her medication. She is now more monstrous than ever. At days she screams
and cry at days she becomes childishly happy. She tells me to go die or either to accept life here. I tell her I can no longer understand
their way of living. Nor can I accept my parents family. They think I am a filthy whore because of just wearing a hijab. They tell to cover
my face. And I refused. My dad is having a tough time with this. But he can't do anything about it. I'm clever. I cannot easily be
brainwashed like all the girls here.
I have common sense I don't need a holy book to guide me. Nor a certain religion to advice me.

My father is my problem. I talked about studying abroad my father said no. you will live here for the rest of your time and get married to
a decent saudi guy. He still does not know I am an atheist . He once said that if you ever left Islam i will disown you. His barbaric family
will kill me. I know it! I begun to hate everyone around me and treated them as trash. I envy girls who travel and not wear the hijab yet still claim
they are Muslims.While my dad tells me you have to wear it and pretend to be a Muslim. I hate going outside of my country as a Muslim. Sometimes enough is enough.


With all of this on my shoulder I've started to suffocate myself to try and drown myself to make it end. And it got worse from a year to another. Sometimes its worse when i'm in that horrible mood. I start having the thought of killing my father with so much hate in me. Knowing he was the reason for this.
I start to change. I am no longer the same person I was. My personality changes. Sometimes I explode and cry and no one would know. They
made my dream unworthy. They want me to be brainwashed as them. I hate my father so much he has the ability to live anywhere yet he
chose here. The thought of killing him is so tempting. Knowing he is a misogynist and treats women poorly. his father once yelled at my
mother for being a terrible mother to me. and his father once told me to cover my face. It is tiring. I can no longer live with this plague of stupidity.

And in this country anyone who leaves Islam should be executed. My father says I am stupid all the time he says
I highly doubt you will ever go to college. My grades started to drop right now. And if I don't go to college here I will
end up living in this prison. My dad puts me down every time. My grades are really good but now they dropped since my
father said I will not study abroad. I started to stop caring about school. I knew they aren't going to be a future for me. So, why study hard like the rest?

I have one year to decide how to get out of the country or else I have no
choice but to kill myself before they find out I am an atheist.
Mohammed said: "Whoever changes his religion, kill him"
How barbaric can this get? This is proof that in islam they will kill you if they find out.
Also, a woman can not leave the country until the father approves regardless of her age. The father is still in charge.
When the women is married the husband becomes in charge. Women here have less rights than men. I can no longer
stay in a misogynistic country that might even kill me for believing in what's right. I suppose that if there is no way. I
will eventually must. Yes, must. Commit suicide. Death will be my only freedom.

I absolutely have no other choice. And I blame parents every single day. and to kill myself is the best revenge for making my dreams unworthy.

[Lydie]

When you figure out how to get your life started.YOUR life meaning the way you want to live the way you believe and view things... you can write a book about your experience and struggles and really change anothers life,someone who might be going through the same thing who would choose death, although death is only a permanent fix answer to a temporary problem. We get one life. try your best to live it to its fullest,you are living yourlife and you can change anything no matter what!