I hate his fetish.

[TrickCyclist]

Externally:

I try to maintain an atmosphere of relaxation, encouragement and interest when we talk about it.
I have fought to encourage him to accept his fetish as a natural, healthy part of himself.
We have had sex as we indulge in watching it together.
I have masturbated to his fetish with him there.
We have mutually masturbated to his fetish together.
It's all cool, man.
I am the best girlfriend you will ever have.


Internally:

I hate his fetish. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know about it. I don't want to see it.

I hate that he probably thinks about it when we have "normal" sex.
I hate that after we've had sex to it, he will STILL be talking about the fetish whilst I'm laying there catching my breath.
I hate the daily bombardment of anecdotes. I hate the constant flow of ideas.
I hate that when we lay down to sleep, he's thinking about it - planning more, admiring the characters, thinking of how to dress them, what next thing to make them do. I hate that it's desirable to him.
I am laying there like an oversized sex doll, full of hot air, dreaming about being with HIM like a ######6 idiot.

I hate that I feel as though he is infringing upon my comfort zone when he brings it up in random conversation, when I'm not prepared for it.
I hate that I cannot do anything about it but accept it.
I hate that I feel as though I'm twisting my psyche to want to be a part of it to appease him.

I hate that it's origins stem from such a troubled past.
I hate that we almost broke up over the fact that he wanted to make a living from it.
I hate that it's so particular, that the only way for me to be a part of it, is for him to create a superior, fictional version of me for it to be arousing for him.
I hate that I cannot become it.

I hate that I get urges to try to become a part of it by increasing my already present disdain for women. - I hate that my disdain for women actually HELPS me be more suitable for his fetish.



Internally & Externally:

I take pride in my knowledge and understanding of sexual fetishes, and why and where they come to be. I know that, intellectually, his love for me is not compromised by this fetish. I know that, intellectually, my anger goes nothing positive or constructive to either of us, or our relationship, and it can never solve the problem, or remove his fetish.

And I understand my mind and human sexuality more than enough to know that I am the one in the wrong here. But I don't know what the F*** to do about it...

I just want the head-space to say:
"You know what? I don't much care for this. Or your intolerably huge slutty hoard of revolting fictional bitches. Take it all, and stuff it up your arse."

I feel attacked by it, which is why I want to just tell him, (I do not actually do this), repeatedly tell him about hot men. Men I find much more attractive than him. In truth, I find women more attractive than men but this man is simply stunning.



As I sit here, typing this, he is sitting but a couple of feet away from me, on his laptop creating more material for his fetish. Every so often he will ask me what I think of his new designs...
Earlier on, I told him his new character looks like the Monster High character Draculaura if she went wrong - trashy as ###$... It was lighthearted and comedic, but it was jam-packed full of the bitterest undertones.

He wants to earn money from it, but he has taken to posting it on an art networking site where he receives comments for his work. I don't think he will ever follow through. I spend hideous amounts of money, travelling to see him. I work hard to do so. He never comes to see me because he doesn't. ######6. Work.

Wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker, wanker.

Get off your ######6 ass and do something. Something real. Something tangible. Something that means something. Get your ass in gear and actually follow through. Stop wallowing in your own jizz because if you actually do care about me, come and ######6 SEE ME. Care about yourSELF.
Until you do this, your fetish is less than bare minimum to me.