sigh.

[Tate]

There is a forum I have gone to for well over a year now, and it has meant so much to me over time. At first, some people were a little discouraging and they did not like me as I posted too often and they claimed me as a "spammer" though I told them numerous times I was simply bored and just wanted to post like on any other forum. To talk, discuss, debate and play games. I was out of the main "clique" which consisted of the mods and senior members, which I am both of those now. A lot has happened over time, and I figured I was well liked, but sometimes the members of this forum, who are of a younger age because it is a site for a book series, the average age is 13-16, I feel a little out of place because of that, but slightly okay because the admin, a friend, is older than I am. It has been a really amazing place to visit, good and bad times, fun events and talks, people I can't forget. But lately.. I felt as though I was being ignored. The chat was removed from the site due to bandwidth, so people would only communicate via forums/AIM. The chat was like our main thing to do on that site. Some people left, as they got bored, and I felt like our friendships started to mean nothing. I was taken advantage of, there was someone who talked behind my back, but would keep bugging me for forgiveness. It's a long story at that site, but all in all.. I decided to leave. Without saying anything. So far, no one has even asked where I am but one, a girl I talked to all the time. She knows about my self-harm and some of my past, and before I left, she had posted saying how sick she felt because she thought I was going to kill myself. I actually almost felt like doing so.. as I have been thinking a lot about that lately. But I truly feel like everyone there really does not care for me, or anyone else there and that they are in their own little worlds. No respect, nothing. My plan is to not come back for months. It's extremely hard because I would spend hours a day on there, working, helping, talking. And now it is just completely gone from my life. I feel almost like something is missing, but I know I had to do it. I think it was slightly unhealthy for me to continue going there.. and I know they will probably remove me as a moderator over time, but going to a site that made me feel like a piece of sh*t everyday.. does not help when you already feel like that all the time.