Our partner

phobos

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phobos

Postby bobok » Sat Aug 04, 2018 10:44 am

Saw my best friend the other day. Our friendship is unlike any other I have and goes back to elementary school. Can be too intense and must be dosed. She's unlike anyone I know.

She left the hotel in the middle of the night in Tnz looking for an m-exchange store and run into a complete stranger who offered to drive her on a motorbike outside town. Accepted the deal. Could have easily gone missing without a trace. Had nothing on her and told nobody where she went. (even if she did it wouldn't help much given the system)
This is not the same kind of impulsive I see in most people. Or in myself for that matter. She never lets go of control and is pure rational mind. Told me the other day she doesn't feel fear much. I looked back and couldn't think of a single instance where she did. It's true. I'm the feeler one in our friendship. The guy did precisely as he said, took her to only open exchange store in a half-abandoned building and brought her back.
Could be one of three things - intuition: she reads people well.
Her absolute confidence in herself influenced the outcome of situation.
Or it was sheer luck.
It wasn't though. She is never reckless nor does 'accidental'. Everything that happened so far in her life is a proof of that.
Lack of fear is not something I'm familiar with. I feel it, yet ignore it. It has disappeared few times when I sensed true life or death danger, probably some form of dissociation. Wonder what it'd feel like to stay permanently stuck in this 'mode'.
My ex tried telling me she's 'more similar to him that I'm aware of' few times and got told he'll be pushed under a bus next time he tries to comment on our friendship. i know the purpose of his comments on close people in my life.
Unlike him she's principled and exists beyond other people's views of her. She gives no crap about the world yet respects its laws. But does seem to understand his MO better than I do, always has. She just finds his behaviour weak. He doesn't feel comfortable around her, I assume he feels naked. He is right about one though, she is not a non. Someone told her she's a psychopath as 'nothing ever gets to her'. I'm certain the person who said it was projecting their own traits. Things do get to her. Just not often and as many.
Starting to wonder if anyone in my life is a non. Is this why I click with some and with others I can't?
-------
Was she in full control that night? Is the outcome always in our hands?
I feel like if I don't find a way to kill all trace of this fear that keeps creeping up for a year now, it'll ruin my life sooner or later. Fighting it is becoming exhausting. Putting all that effort into appearance of normal. It used to be spent on growth.
bobok
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