Possible emotional neglect? Always so empty and lonely

[confusedMel]

I finally read something which explains a lot about me, and want to ask for help but because of my uni I'm still stuck waiting. I have spent my life generally surrounding myself with friends who I could help with their own problems, however I know our friendships weren't the healthiest either. Now I'm not around these sorts of friends anymore I am finding it impossible to maintain nearly all my friendships and think I know why.

Since noone can reply on here I will just explain my childhood without looking for justification from anyone else. I KNOW I was neglected. Once my parents divorced I lived with my mum from after I was 10/11, and for 2 years because she worked so much she left me in day care centres with lots of younger children. Then when I was too old for it, she would leave me alone several hours after school each day before she got back. It was worse on weekends as she would either be working all day, or most of the day, working overnight, and I got used to spending Sundays without her. And this was COMPLETELY alone. My brother lived with my dad, he's 7 years older and was never close to anyone and his girlfriend suspects he has autistic traits. Now he lives in Birmingham away from everyone. I had few friends and liked to count myself as independent but the truth is from so long being left alone, plus ignored when my mum was there as she'd clean the house, bake cakes for work, make jams and chutneys etc., I could never really stay disciplined at anything. Even though the friends I wanted to help had serious problems in their childhood of their own I realise now that I will look at basically everyone and be jealous that they have more of a place in the world than me. My mum's family live in Austria and I would see them once or twice a month, similarly with my dad's family in England, although they don't live far away my dad has never fit in with them either and from their own pasts there must be some trauma/mental illness. Either way when I look at people I just feel they can't comprehend the sheer loneliness of being alone in the house for the equivalent of 2 days a week for years of your childhood. From the complete lack of interest in my emotions I received I look at this even now and think pffff two days!? as if it's nothing but spending 2 days a week alone, 4 days ignored by your mother and only one day at your dad's who seems to be mentally ill in some way is NOT nothing. What's worse is it's likely led up to my current isolation and no matter what I do I can't break out of it. We're adults now, and are expected to get along and do our work, but to me doing work has been the only thing blocking me from recognising how alone I feel and now I just can't keep going. In everything I do I have to be better, successful and yet from a lifetime of having my efforts being met with silence and a family which is about as supportive as quicksand I can't see how anyone could have done better. I am not an only child nor am I an orphan, and yet I feel this pit of loneliness is worse than the only children and those without parents who I've met have.

I know it seems selfish. I know I will never convince myself that my mum doesn't actually love me, no matter how much she prioritises her boyfriends over me, ignores me, fights with me and manages to twist my feelings into making me apologise to her. No matter how much she leaves me, how many hours I spent watching for her to come back, how many days I spent wandering between friends' houses hoping someone would talk to me, or reading for hours in the library because I knew I'd be alone otherwise. It seems selfish that I happen to realise this now, just when I need to focus on my final exams at uni, and that now I've realised how deep a hole there is in me when I need to work I feel like I've crumbled into pieces and will fail my exams. It feels like a betrayal to everyone who told me I was good at what I did, successful, with the implication that I should be happy when I've long forgotten what that even means. Although I don't know how long, because my moods can be superficial so I will be lying that I'm happy to myself because I have to please others so they'll stay with me. Or they can turn up out of the blue and I will be irrationally angry with friends , strangers, the whole world, then madly enthusiastic about a band, or an author, or a pianist, or maths.

There's no need to worry about what anyone else thinks of it. I have serious abandonment issues. If you saw me I may look fine to you but the important thing I want people to know is the moment you leave I will crumble.