Really upset over psychiatry

[voracious_lemon]

Five months ago place A said they can't accept me because I've had too many hospitalizations and I'm a liability. Place B said they don't prescribe the meds I'm on and they're not accepting new patients anyways. I go back to the IOP for a while. Now I'm trying to get out of there but I need a psychiatrist and a therapist before I leave and now I call place C today and they say to call place B because I live "too far" and they're not going to give me meds until after a few months of seeing their therapist and she said it's likely that the therapist will say I'm not supposed to go there because I'm still "high risk" which I'm only going to be a high risk if I can't find someone to prescribe me clozapine and I go off of it again and think I'm ######6 Batman. I literally live in the middle of nowhere and I don't know of any other places, especially if place C is "too far" and it's only like a 45 minute drive.
*TW*
###$ it. I'm not going to take clozapine anymore. Don't even care if I end up jumping off a cliff. It's not my ######6 fault all these places won't accept me and are making me feel hopeless and are saying I can't take the medication that has saved my life. I was just thinking the other day how I actually handled going to work pretty well and I know it's because of the clozapine and was thinking clearly for the first time in years without ANY hallucinations. Yeah, there are side effects that suck. I couldn't do this if I was back on quentiapine, ziprasidone, or aripiprazole. On the other hand, I ######6 hate driving to the hospital and then getting my blood taken from me and driving back every Monday, and then going to the pharmacy every Tuesday. I can see myself commiting suicide because of this situation. ###$ being a liability.