I've decided. part 4. *TW*

[i!Poler]

My body and brain are doing weird $#%^. I think it's having spasms from withdrawal. It feels like my brain is zapping itself and then throughout my body. The medication didn't do $#%^ except act as a psychic pain-killer, the problem is still there, and will be forever. Too bad I can't MAKE people forget me, it would be so much easier. Maybe that's why some people act like assholes before they kill themselves, thinking it would be easier to be forgotten.

I never found anything to be happy about. I think I read about suicides a lot because them following through with it made the choice for me, so in a way it was relieving to read the note, because I had died with them, we both left our pain forever.

Life has no emotional dictation. No moral compass, no code of ethics, not even a competent Darwinism schedule. It can be as cruel and beautiful, if not more, than anyone can imagine.

I haven't slept all night. It's hard to kill yourself for logical reasons because there is no driving force. It just becomes a task, a responsibility. When the reason is emotional, there is something to escape, but for me, the reason is not emotional per se, but that it has effected everything INCLUDING the emotional aspect of life. I mean even right now, I don't want to die. Suicide? Who cares, just enjoy life. Enjoy the small things, write a journal, blah blah blah blah....no.

VERY hard to kill yourself because you know you have to, and not because you want to. Kind of like having terminal cancer. I'm sure the sufferer still wants to live even after finding out they have terminal cancer, but their logical common sense tells them that this will 100% end in a slow and painful death, so why wait?

I've said goodbye to everybody in my head, I'm not supporting anyone, and no one is dependent on me. It's only life.

It's completely agonizing when I read that a preteen child commits suicide. A side of me wants to give them the respect they deserve as a human being, one with a unique personality, and the trust that they knew their life and feelings better than anyone else. The other side wants to say that they didn't really have the life experience and enough of a past to have a sufficient amount of reference points to choose from where they didn't break down, but somehow got through an obstacle to pull example from. That would be arrogant of me though, and would classify me as non-human because it's a slap in the face to that person. It's to say that what they were feeling or dealing with could in no way warrant a date with death. Who the ###$ am I to minimize that persons pain? To step in and say 'I know what's best for you'. Either the people around didn't want to help or talk about it, or they themselves didn't.

It's not fair to the person who feels the need to, and carries out the act of killing themselves to escape something that perceptibly cannot be fixed. It's also not fair for the people that are left behind who didn't see it coming, and even if they did, there was nothing they could do to stop it and now have to live in forever agony missing their loved one every single day.