I've been feeling bad

[dehumanames]

Hi. I'm a teen and recently (for the past year or so) I have been feeling really awful. I enjoy the arts immensely and it's something I really want to pursue in later life (writing, directing, painting, drawing etc.) and these have always been my strongest subjects at school. However, I have become incredibly doubtful of my abilities. I feel like I am not good enough to do these things or do them well, and have become completely paranoid about it.

Sometimes I am confident but other times I am completely distraught by my lack of ability. I have this constant urge to create and write and paint but I never feel that any of it is any good. As a result I have been feeling very low and quite depressed. Things just don't seem to matter at all on some days. When I walk into school and when I'm sitting in lessons I feel that there's no point to any of it and it is all completely worthless. I am worthless as well.

I write poetry almost every day as just an instinct. It's something that helps me get my thoughts out of my system but anything I am proud of eventually seeps into the collecting pool of what I come to despise. I am usually a very sociable person but on some days I really hate talking to people. Sometimes I do really ridiculous things like scream at people in the face during a completely normal conversation, or I start moving around strangely or 'fold up' on myself. I stare at people and feel like just yelling in public because I just get so angry sometimes. Some days I hate everyone including my family. Once I was told to cut the grass so I started clapping really loudly in the garden and singing. Then I started filling a jar full of daisies because I was so pissed off.

I have bouts of wanting to just start dancing whether that be in public or whilst I'm doing homework. But it's not relaxed dancing it's really intense and it feels so important and vital, as if I am venting my anger through it.

I usually do very well at school. I am an academic scholar and an art scholar and I am often at the top of my class but now I feel like I am right at the bottom. I often consider leaving my school because I feel so pressured and upset with myself.

As I said, now and then I can feel on top of the world but that is a rarity to be honest. The concept of not being at the top of my fields is devastating to me and it's so stupid but sometimes I wonder whether there is any point in carrying on if I am not going to fulfill what I need to survive from day to day creatively.

I recently submitted a play script into a competition and it got rejected for being too dark. I couldn't breathe when I found out and thoughts of suicide stupidly crept into my head. I felt completely helpless and unnecessary and irrelevant. I have a girlfriend at the moment but it is nothing very serious. I used to enjoy her company and sometimes I still do. We still kiss but I don't enjoy it and I often want her to just go away and leave me alone. I don't want to be unkind to her but I often find her really annoying and sometimes I think she completely misunderstands me.

No one else seems to be acting like this or feeling like this at school. I try hard to push this stuff down but when it bubbles up people look at it in the wrong way. My mum always says I am attention seeking when I talk about this stuff and my sister always tells me to cheer up and get over myself, saying that there's nothing for me to be sad about and I am just being pretentious. I am at a total loss as to why I feel like this, and why I make everything seem so important the whole time. I feel like I should be at the same level as grown adults in terms of my skill which is totally irrational, and I depress myself when I come to realise that I am not as good as them. I get incredibly upset when others in my school do something that I believe exceeds my own capabilities and I drive myself mad with jealousy and the feeling of being mediocre.

I spoke with my dad about this but when I explained everything it all sounded so petty and silly. I have come to the point where I cannot tell anymore if this is something serious or if it is me just feeling sorry for myself. I feel like I have become progressively worse at everything even though my grades haven't even dropped, and sometimes I even wander if everyone has been lying to me the whole time and there is nothing unique about me at all. Sorry for writing so much, but if you could just give me your thoughts that would be incredibly nice of you and I am sorry for taking up so much of your time. Thanks a lot.