Dysphoria feelings *may be triggering*

Trigger warning for mention of self harm and suicide

So, I'm ftm trans, and while dysphoria has bothered me for a long time now, recently it's been getting pretty bad. I am seeing a professional and we have been talking about getting me on testosterone and about having top surgery, so I am definitely getting somewhere, but summer break means she's been gone and we haven't been able to meet (though I will hopefully be called in to meet her soon now that the break is over).

The thing is, as stated above, my dysphoria has been pretty bad the past month or two, more than usual. I have been getting really strong self harm urges (something I already struggle with relating to other issues) about damaging my sex characteristics, etc..just brutal and graphic stuff I wont go into detail about.

I have been feeling just... so down and tired of it all you know? I have not felt ashamed or guilty or anything about me being trans as far as I can remember. While I definitely would have preferred being not trans any day, I've mostly just seen it as a bother to deal with as fast as possible. But its been really really getting me down lately, to the point of just wanting to end it all, as long as the suffering of not being right stops. Feelings of being a disgusting and delusional freak has also been very persistent.

While I mostly just wanted to get it out of my system, I would really appreciate people maybe giving advice on how you deal with it? Even just people telling about their dysphoria would be really appreciated, just knowing that I am not alone and that others feel the same way/have been feeling better after transitioning and that there really is hope. Also, sorry for any grammar mistakes made, english is not my first language. Have a good day/night

While I don't consider myself 'trans'... I am, strongly non-binary at times?

I don't get dysphoria a whole lot, but sometimes part of me just yearns to be the other sex and it feels sad.

Hang in there, sweets. While I've seen both MtF and FtM with self-harm problems in PF, from what I've read here and elsewhere makes me think that FtM is more prone to self-harm as a result of dysphoria. I could be wrong on that, but that's my impression.

If you have problems with the SH, or get particularly suicidal-feeling, please post in our Cutting & Self-Harm forum...

If you look back thru the posts there (doing a search, that is) you'll find you're not alone- we have a member, Electric Soul, that doesn't post much any longer, but he used to be a regular in that forum. He's FtM also, and had an awful time with giving into urges to SH in the same way your mind is dwelling on. But he's also proof things can and do get better, sweetie- he was in a bad home situation but things have improved, he's now well on his way to transition if I'm not mistaken, and feeling a whole lot better about himself. You'll get there, just need to have patience with yourself and faith that things will get better- they can, I've seen it in these forums. Hang in there!

Abelw I appreciate your post. I can relate to the self harm as I have engaged in hurting a certain area on my body off and on since I was a teenager whenever my feelings of guilt and anxiety intensifies. I am a cisgendered male with strong feminine characteristics and emotions at times. I have a hard time trying to understand just where I fit in actually....I have often felt and wish that I would have and should have been born female and often try to visualize what it would be like. I can easily see myself barefoot with some ripped jeans, belly shirt, and engine oil grease smeared over me lol...
Not sure if there is any studies on this but I think that I must have had a high level of estrogen in utero or something prior to birth to have some of these characteristics...

I think I would have been a tomboy as I do have male interest cars, power tools etc but I also love old black and white movies as well as my musical interest is very eclectic. I guess I am a complicated mess and I'm sure my story hasn't helped but if it did let me know...keep your head up