Confused about sexual tendencies

36 yr old male. Have had very limited time in relationships. Only 3 girlfriends and none longer than 9 months. Have always enjoyed pornography. Grew up in an average backwoods household and homosexuality was a sin. I had several sexual encounters as a child with both boys and girls and really it seemed harmless. We were all of similar ages and similar ignorance to what we were doing. The encounters were seldom but I developed an extreme amount of guilt from them. especially the ones involving other boys. I was not sexually active much until in my 20's. I masterbated frequently mostly to straight porn but occasionally to male porn.

At 21 I had my first adult sexual encounter. A friend had returned from the military and had come out of the closet. We lived close and became close friends. I would fantasize about having sex with him and finally I told him so. We had a few brief encounters that went no farther than masterbation. I was not turned on as I thought I would be and so it became awkward and we never brought issue up again. I had a few minor sexual encounter with dates for the next few years but I never used my penis. I was a virgin until I was 29 and at that time a much older lady I worked with made an advance towards me and I accepted. I was not attracted to her but felt that it was important that I have sex before I was 30. After that I started to cruise craigslist looking for sex ads. I tried for a long time to hook up with another woman but was only successful once. I began to suffer from depression, drug abuse, chronic pain issues as well as financial stress. I resorted to the M4M forums and soon discovered there was an abundance of men willing to have anon sex. I was apprehensive and it took me a long time to get up the courage. I only met a few guys in person and usually we went away with no contact. I did start to visit Arcades at adult book stores. Probably had 10 encounters there in 5 yrs. usually with the same man.

I was ashamed of these habits but would still find myself there once every few months. I decided to change things and deleted all the porn from my computer. Stopped masterbating almost completely and started to be more active on dating websites looking for relationships with women. In about 6 months a woman found me and we became sexually active, fell in love and quickly moved in together. The relationship exploded 6 months after the move in. We rarely had sex. Argued about money, kids and pets. I started to look at porn occasionally and to masterbate again. We lived together for several weeks after we broke up though we had seperate bedrooms and opposing schedules. I answered an ad from a man in another town and for the first time gave out my phone number. We talked dirty about what we wanted to do with each other and started to send pictures of our penises. The ex became suspicious and assumed I was texting another girl and soon had read my messages and seen more than I ever wanted her to see. She wanted an explanation and I tried to rationalize it to her but she usually became irate and screamed horrible things at me. I moved out a few months ago and we havent spoke since.

I guess the reason I am spilling all this is I am overwhelmed by the seeming immensity of my problem. Am I gay? I dont feel gay and am not attracted to males and I love womans bodies. I just kinda like penises and I dont feel that woman are attracted to me. I dont know where to turn for help and my small town has few resources avail for these kinds of issues. I have never been honest with anyone about my past sexual partners and this leaves me with a lot of shame and guilt. Any advice on this issue would be appeciated. at least get me pointed in a direction so I can procede from there. Thank you.

Anybody? a website even?

well if your not attracted to guys, your not gay. also i wouldn't feel guilty about your past experiences with guys, there's really no reason to be and don't listen to that it's a sin crap.

also beware porn use can morph your sexual tastes, which can lead you to be turned on by guys even if your not gay.

Is Internet porn making male sexuality more plastic?
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/can-you- ... ur-johnson

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-i ... ranssexual

also viewing sexual experiences with men as forbidden, sinful, and being guilty over them can be what's fueling the excitement over having sexual encounters with them.

Thanks big mike. Most of the guilt is from a lover calling me a #######1 at high volume. I do know the answers to my own questions but have needed somebody to reaffirm them to me so I can get some peace. Made an appt last week to visit a councilor and wanted to talk about my issues with porn, sex, masterbation, drugs, violence, gambling and anger but that person flaked on me and never even returned my calls to reschedule. Might have had a personal emergency themsleves but it left me feeling stranded and isolated when I needed somebody the most. Any more info from others as well as resources to get some clarification is appreciated. Thanks again dude. 8..)

Thanks big mike. Most of the guilt is from a lover calling me a #######1 at high volume

well if you look at it from her point of view, it must have come to a shock to her. but it also seems you guys had problems before that.

also that sucks about the counselor thing, have you tried to make an appointment with another?

and that site yourbrainonporn has tons of great resources, especially the solo tools

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/solo-tools
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/node/79