Confused and stuck about sexuality

I am 22, male, and I am confused about my sexuality. A lot of the time it doesn’t bother me too much, but sometimes it gets to me, and I feel like it’s a massive limitation. I have never been in any intimate or sexual relationship with anyone, and so I’m pretty inexperienced! I find myself attracted to men more than women, but because of my lack of experience I still feel unsure about what I really want. I recently met a guy who I got on with really well, and I feel I am attracted to him, but I just don’t know for sure if I would really want to have sex with someone of the same sex! I occasionally find women attractive physically, but I have never felt very strong emotions for women in the same way I have for men. I miss the company of this guy I recently met, but I’ve never missed the company of a woman.

This state of confusion really affects me sometimes, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I also feel utterly afraid to ever approach someone who I think I fancy, because I don’t know what to say, and because I am just not sure about how I really feel about men or women, so I don’t feel that I could ever even begin to deal with this situation.

I think it’s made worse because I really struggle to talk about this issue with anyone, including my family. I’ve told my mum that I think I might be gay, and she’s told my dad, and they both seem OK with it, and realise that I maybe just need to go out and start meeting people etc. I think posting this could help me think about it a bit more.

It’s the uncertainty that causes me to feel miserable and anxious about the whole thing. I’m embarrassed about my lack of experience and the uncertainty I feel about myself. I’ve told some of my friends that I am gay, but I’ve not told them that really I’m not entirely sure.

I want to grow as a person, and I feel that this ambivalence is preventing me from doing so. My relationships with people are limited, and I feel more or less isolated from others. I am however, off to university in just a few weeks’ time, and this is a huge opportunity for me in many ways.

I cannot give you any advice, unfortunately, but I wanted to say that I really feel you on this one. What you described could have been about me, the difference being that I am a girl. So it´s mostly the other way around. In any case, I wish you good luck. You seem like a reasonable, nice person to me from what I can say after only reading that one post. I hope you´ll be able to sort it out and others on here can give you better advice.

All the best.

Hey thanks for the reply. How have you gone about trying to move forward in this situation? This is what I want to do now, move forward and stop allowing it to prevent me from being who I am. Have you told your friends and family? If so how did they react? I think just talking about it is good.

I haven´t gone forward in this situation at all. I´m only seventeen, so whatever I say will most likely be downplayed to being in a puberty/adolesence type of identity crisis - which, to be honest, is probably not too far from being realistic in my case, as much as I don´t like this way of reasoning. I´m generally rather unsure about most things, so this may be only a part of that. This is why I haven´t told anyone. Too many things to check first.

So as I said, as much as I´d like to give you advice, I can´t. I do think though that writing your thoughts down will help you. In your OP you said you were confused and unsure about what you want. I don´t know you, obviously, but to me it sounds more like you might know what you want but are still too anxious to act on it. But that´s only my impression.

Keep posting.

When I was seventeen, I think I was implicitly aware that I had feelings for other guys, inasmuch as I would fantasize about them But I never properly acknowledged that maybe I was gay, or considered it as a possibility. Now, five years later, I may be more sure of what I feel, but still pretty uncertain, and certainly too scared to act on any feelings I might have.

I do not know anyone else in a similar situation as myself, and so the more I think about it, the more isolated I can sometimes feel.

Hmm. Not much I can add, but posting here again will make it more likely that people notice the thread and answer you and I´m interested in what they will say.

What do you think will happen if you tell people? What specifically do you fear?

I think I might fear the awkwardness of telling people. I don't want to make it a big issue by telling people. I know that it wont be a big issue though. I'm not sure why I am so uncomfortable with the idea of telling people, its difficult.

Do you live in an area where homosexuality is accepted? What are your friends´ and family´s views on the subject? What strangers think shouldn´t matter and whom you´re important to will want you to be just yourself and feel good about it.

Do you sometimes think about when or how you could tell people? I´m really just curious.

Hello Be,

It seems to me that there are at least three distinct though related issues at play here. First is your confusion about your sexuality, second is a general anxiety about (potentially) coming out, and third is a general social isolation.

To address the issue of your confusion about your sexuality my best advice is simply to jump right in and find out. As an analogy, suppose you're in a restaurant and you see something that looks interesting, it smells good, people have described to you what's in it, and it seems like something you might like. Well, you won't really know until you take a bite of it and there's really no point in worrying about it because if you do like you can order more, and if it isn't very good then you can stop eating it and get something else. Either way though you need to just try it.

There's really no other way to say this and there's no way to make it sound classy: explore your sexuality. With other people, with one special person, by yourself even, but whatever you do jump right in and test the waters. You'll learn what you like and don't like, just be honest with yourself about it, and protect yourself and others.

The general social isolation and coming out anxiety are probably bigger obstacles to overcome, but yeah, just go out there and meet people, and then meet their people, and then meet their people's people. You might not actually like and have things in common with the people you're meeting until the 4th or 5th degree, but keep going anyway.

Regarding the coming out anxiety it can be tough, but if you're more or less starting out forming new connections then that can actually make it simpler. Make sure the people you're befriending are open-minded and accepting, simply don't waste your time on them if they aren't. In the course of things if something comes up and they assume you're straight, DON'T make a big deal about coming out, just casually and calmly inform them that you're gay. It is a bigger deal when someone you've known for years comes out, because you have to completely shift the way you think about them. It's finding out a surprising new secret that you have to wrap your head around. That can take people awhile, even people who are completely accepting, simply because it's a surprise and an adjustment. If they find out you're gay relatively soon after meeting you (minutes, hours, days, a couple of weeks), then it's not really a big deal at all. If they have a problem with it they won't stick around (and so what?), and if they don't then they'll have that info to work with all along and there will never be a big surprising revelation. Put simply it's way easier to BE out than to COME out.

Good luck

Hi Be-,

Do you need a label? I've found that they're only really helpful for others to put people into neat categories for their own comfort. I'm into women, but I slept with a few guys when I was younger. Sexuality is very pliant, especially when you're younger. The trick is to transcend the need for labels and just go with the flow. Your sexuality is unique to you, so don't bow to other people's need to classify you.

In general, I'd say the sex you prefer (and that is what labels like homo and hetero are really about - preference rather than exclusivity) is what gets you off the majority of the time. If you'd rather masturbate using gay porn, then it's guys you're mainly into. If it's women that get you off most of the time, then you're into women. From what you say, I think you're more into guys. If you've never missed a woman, then it sounds like you're homosexual.

Personally any confusion I had was not resolved until I fell in love for the first time at 26. Until then, I had relationships, I had one-night stands, but when love hits you, you suddenly know... it has to be her (or him)... and then you basically know your sexuality. For me, love is with women.

Interestingly, I have a gay male friend who insights he is exclusively attracted to men physically but prefers women romantically. We're all different, so enjoy the uniqueness of your sexuality.