Intimacy problems

Hi,I thought of all these things I wanted to write and wanted to ask and now its like my mind is blank
Anyway...
Im quite confused, very embarrassed, very nevervous etc etc etc when it comes intimacy and sex.
I have had only a few relationships in the past and the whole intimacy thing causes me a real problem. My last relationship was with a guy who was fab, would have done anything for me and my little boy, he was the first relationship in my life where I felt intimate on a personal level but i know that sex played a big part in the reason I couldnt be with him. I used to dread him coming down sometimes (he lived 4 hours drive away from me) because I would really hate the thought of sexual intimacy with him, I tried really hard not to let this show but i know that i wasnt doing a good job at this. It got to the point that when he was coming down he was staying on the setee, i used the excuse because my lil boy would wake in the night and i was tired, and also my friend lived in the house so that made things extra uncomfortable. The longer this went on for the more i avoided it. I just dont know what this means...was it the fact that i actually didnt like him in this way, or is it because of my intimacy issues, or am i asexual (I recently discovered this, but i dont want to assume this is me if really it is all about sexual intimacy and my fear of it).

I want to enjoy and I want to want to have sex but i dont know if this ever going to be possible for me. And if it is not possible then i think i just want to avoid it completly because it causes problems otherwise...but then if i do continue to do this then i will always be alone on a relationship level- maybe that just the best.

Hi needadiagnosis,

There could be a combination of reasons why you avoided sex and intimacy with your last partner.

Was there a time in your life when you enjoyed sex or being physically intimate with someone?

How do you feel about sex in general? Do you like watching romance movies with sex scenes? Do you feel comfortable with your body and with masturbation? (You don't need to answer these questions here - they can be just something for you to think about.)

It can be awkward to have a sexual relationship when you have to share your home with other people. Worries about your son or your housemate could have made you feel anxious.

Maybe you also didn't feel safe or comfortable enough with this man to be physically intimate with him. It can take a lot of trust to enjoy sex.

I think you should try to explore your feelings about sex. If you feel comfortable doing so, maybe watch a sexy movie (it doesn't have to be pornographic - a sexy romance may be better) or read some erotic fiction. Think about what sexual fantasies you have. What turns you on and what turns you off? By thinking about it more, you may identify what is holding you back or what it is you fear. A therapist or counsellor could probably also help you with this.

Hey Platypus,
Thanks for the reply.

To be honest, I have spent my whole life feeling this way about intimacy (all types), there has never been anyone that I have felt comfortable with. I kinda think i may no why i became like this and have never been able to change...some sexual abuse by my brother which ive never really talked about (only a lil on paper mainly coz writing my better way of expressing myself), i also recently realised that every sexual experience that ive ever had has never been an unpleasant one, maybe thats why ive forgotten all these times till recently, also i have always been extremly concious of my body...or maybe just everything about me, body, face, hair, personality... bulimia played a big part in my life since i was about 12 i think (im 30 now), but ive been able to control this the last 4 years.

It feels like being naked in front of anyone really puts me on show...not just physically but emotionally. Even just being touched by someone makes me so anxious, my body just clams up and my mind goes into overtime. If I know that there a chance of having sex I will make sure I drink before because I know that will relax me a little bit.

I dont want to spend my life alone, but the thought of feeling so uncomfortable every time I am touched etc. is something I dont want either.

I'm really happy that you've managed to get the bulimia under control.
It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with over the years. Have you ever seen a therapist?

You have been hurt by people (such as your brother) in the past. So perhaps now it's very difficult for you to relax and feel safe with others. To be intimate with someone, you have to allow yourself to become vulnerable. It can be very scary, especially if people have not respected your boundaries and feelings in the past.

I think for the moment you should stop having any sexual experiences with other people. You don't owe sex to anybody. If you're not enjoying it, you will only be reinforcing the idea that it is a negative experience.

Can you think of ways to improve your attitude or relationship to your body? How can you get in touch with your body and appreciate how you look or feel?

If you're not in therapy, I'd consider finding a therapist you can talk to. I'd also like to recommend you SARK's books. See if you can find them at your library. She is an incest survivor and writes inspirational books for women that are fun to read.

Thanks for your advice

I hope you dont mind but ive added a post i put up today, its easier to explain the therapy situation. Ive seen a therapist back around 6 years ago for the bulimia, but they were only a certain number of sessions, so by the time it came to me feeling able to open up about my inner feelings the therapy had finished, and recently in january/feb i was able to get some counselling at my docs but only allowed 6 sessions and by the time that ended i was in a worse place than before dealing with all id talked about on my own again...and now im with the drug and alcohol therapy and if im honest i dont know if this is gonna work out....

Hi, ive read a number of the posts on this topic and its like some of them its like its myself talking. It so wierd how there is no one that I no of that has BPD (as far as i know anyway) and coming here its just amazing to feel so connected with a lot that is written, it is most definatly giving me more courage to try and speak out about how i feel as its made me realise im not the only person who thinks and feels like this.

But this is where i feel a bit stuck...well quite stuck. I want to sort everything out once in for all, this has gone on since i was a young age and i need to sort it!! I havent got an actual diagnosis of BPD (that another story), however, I finally have my doctor and a new therapist who have accepted and agreed that this is what i have.

Ive recently started this therapy a month ago, due to my recent drinking the only therapy available to me is through a drug and alcohol service...I was not sure about starting it but i knew i should give it ago, but now a month later im still not sure. On my last session, my therapist told me they mainly deal with changes and dont tend to deal with the past...but this is where im confused, i know that it is through my past that i became the way i am, and my doctor agrees that it is the underlying issues that i need to deal with and have never really done this before. I am not on any meds as my doctor has said that i have tried a number of antidepressants over the years but none have had very much effect and due to a couple of months ago i took an overdose i think she is dubious about perscribing me anything else. Apart from antidepressants is there any other medications available for those with BPD??? From what i have read on the internet there doesnt seem to be.

I want to get my head sorted, my drinking is coming down, at least im not drinking everyday now, but im scared that once i have stopped drinking my therapy will stop. I dont know what options are available to me, i read that their are all these tools that can be learnt in order to help with BPD symtoms, but how do i do this, where do i get this information from??

I know that i need to deal with so many different issues, and i just dont know where to start, i havent got another session till end of next week but i want to at least try learn in the meantime.

Yesterday for example, something happened and inside i just became so angry, felt like i was going to literally explode, i didnt know what to do to calm down, i hadnt had a drink and i made myself not have one either.In the end my reaction was to self harm, surface cut and punched my face some times, i ended up calming. This seems to happen, one distructive behaviour is replaced by another, drinking to self harm. Im scared that like always, when the most obvious symptoms are gone (now drinking, in the past bulimia), i will be expected to be ok, but its the inner feelings that i need to get rid of...and i just dont get how to do it.

I really need some advice please.

Thanks platypus for reading.x