Young female with no libido?

Well I'm new here but I am having some problems.

I am a 21 year old female and as the title says, I have no libido. I usually only feel like doing things around the time I ovulate and right after my period ends. I have a boyfriend and we have been together for two years. He seems to have excess libido so we do tend to do things a lot, mostly touching each other. When we first started off I would be interested in it and get excited but I sometimes would have trouble having and orgasm. Lately though I just can't seem to get excited. I will think I want to mess around and orgasm but I just can't get wet. We started watching porn together (more like me watching it and him watching me) and that gets me excited. At the same time though I feel weird about it because we have both noticed a pattern that I enjoy and get most excited when I see another girl masturbating. I don't get it. I don't want to do anything with another girl, but that is what gets me excited and even now I've been having some trouble and we resort to using vibrators to get me.

I really don't understand. I just want to get excited on my own you know? At the thought of doing something with my boyfriend or at the sight of his naked body. But even though I enjoy it, I am not getting wet by it. And I just don't seem to have an interest in sex in the first place.

Could it just be because I don't exercise and have a poor diet? If I fixed that would I be cured?

Hi MzRoboto,

I'm sorry you're having problems with low libido.

Yes, I think your diet and lifestyle can definitely affect your sex-drive. Stress and medications (including the contraceptive pill) can also have a big effect. I think you've got little to lose by trying to eat healthier and doing some moderate exercise. Multivitamins can help too - especially if your diet is poor in nutrients.

Have you ever tried reading erotica (naughty stories)? Some women find it easier to get in the mood by reading rather than watching porn. Stories let you imagine the scene in your mind which can sometimes be more exciting. Women are often not as 'visual' as men. I know the sight of a naked man alone isn't enough to get me going, even if he is drop-dead gorgeous. It's perfectly okay if you need a bit more mental or physical stimulation to get aroused.

What's it like for you when you do have sex with your boyfriend? Are you enjoying it? If it's not very satisfying to you that could be turning you off as well.

I don't think there's anything wrong about being aroused by watching another woman masturbate or using a vibrator. But maybe if you're having difficulty getting aroused by thoughts of your partner, it could be because you are having some problems in your relationship at the moment. Sometimes if we are stressed and crabby with our partner, it doesn't matter how sexy they are, or how much they try to please us physically, the thought of them just isn't arousing because we have all these negative feelings towards them.

So I'd try to think about what could be affecting you, and make changes where you can. Don't be afraid to ask for a doctor's advice if you cannot see any improvements.

Well I am not on any medication so it is probably my poor eating habits and no exercise.

We did try but I couldn't really get into it. I would nitpick at the stories because they seemed poorly written and repeated the use of words. xP
This was all on a website that people could submit their own stories.

I guess I am not enjoying it that much. He is ALWAYS interested in having sex or messing around and most of the time I just can't get all the way into it mentally. Sometimes it is kind of uncomfortable because he doesn't wait until I am fully wet and I guess he doesn't understand that it doesn't feel the best. But it takes a long time to reach that point. He is also curved downwards so his favorite position is from behind (tmi?) and it hits my cervix or I suppose my g spot and gives me a burning, tingling sensation similar to I have to pee (I imagine most women would find this a good thing but it is an uncomfortable sensation for me).

I guess it is hard for me because I know that we aren't supposed to be doing anything since we aren't married and we are both religious. And when we do have sex (which we try not to and he never finishes inside) it seems risky since like I said, I am not on the pill and we don't have any condoms around. It is always right after I finish my period though but it still makes me worry a little. And we have been having a rough spot in our relationship too.

I guess I felt bad for getting aroused seeing women do stuff instead of the thought of my boyfriend. I don't want to do anything with them or to them.

MzRoboto wrote:We did try but I couldn't really get into it. I would nitpick at the stories because they seemed poorly written and repeated the use of words. xP

Haha, yes, it's true, a lot of erotica is just tedious or embarrassing to read. I often think that there's a lack of well-written porn and erotica aimed at women, but perhaps I'm too fussy!

Have you mentioned to your boyfriend about how you feel, for example which sex positions you prefer, or how you need to have foreplay before sex? I'm worried he doesn't sound like a very considerate person, and is putting his desires first all the time. But maybe he doesn't know what you like and don't like? Be sure to communicate with him - often it's the only way you'll get what you want!

If you're scared to bring it up, the easiest way to start is to make it sound positive. That way his ego won't feel so threatened. (Some people get very defensive if they think you're criticising their sex performance.)

So say he wants to take you from behind (and no, that's not too much information, this is the Sexual forums ), you could say "You know what I'd really like to try?" And then describe a different position that you want him in. If the new position feels better, let him know either during or afterwards. Give him positive reinforcement when he does something you like. (Sometimes just a little moan of pleasure is enough for him to know he’s doing something right! )

Then later, after you've had a more enjoyable sexual experience or some time when he's in a good mood, you can explain to him that one of the reasons you like that position better than from behind is because it doesn’t give you that uncomfortable tingling sensation. Hopefully once he understands this, he will be keener to try out a variety of positions with you to see which you both prefer.

If you just put-up with sex that is unsatisfying or uncomfortable for you, it could create resentment between you, and you may feel increasingly turned-off. So although it can be hard to ask for what you want, please give it a try.

I imagine it must be quite a dilemma being religious and not being meant to have sex outside of marriage, but seeing as you are sexually active, I would strongly encourage you to use contraception. If for no other reason than it will make you more relaxed about sex. It's hard to enjoy sex when you're worried about the risk of pregnancy. Are you able to buy condoms? You can buy them discretely on the internet.

And remember that having fantasies of other people doesn't make you unfaithful to your boyfriend. Maybe as you improve your sexual compatibility and enjoy sex with him more, you will feel less of a desire to fantasise about other women.

Yea...I really just don't think he knows. When we watch stuff he always just says, "I don't know what you like." Although we have spoken about what I do and don't like before. I don't think I am very clear on telling him though because I guess I have a hard time knowing precisely what I like too.

I noticed it really doesn't feel that bad if I am fully excited (physically and mentally). But the foreplay thing he does, but I don't think it is as long as it should be. I'm just not all the way excited. I'm still trying to train him on that though.

I did research and I think I am going to get on the pill. But I am on my period so I figured I would wait until I am off because I don't know if they plan on doing an exam or anything. It would make life a little less stressful.

I understand what you mean about not knowing precisely what you like. Maybe you can encourage your boyfriend to help you explore your body and how you like to be touched? Experiment together, rather than just doing the same thing all the time because that's what he likes best. Try to relax and make it playful. And good luck with that training!

There are a lot of different types of contraceptive pill available these days, so don't be afraid to ask your doctor for advice if you have any medical concerns, or if you experience any negative side effects. And remember it normally takes a couple of weeks for the pill to be effective.

I hope the situation improves for you soon.